Thank God Old Charlie had decided to hit the road again.
“Here we go.” Kevin twisted around to wink at him as Brock met Jen in the aisle, held his arm out then walked down the white runner leading to the gazebo.
With Cole standing up front with Connor, Kade paused to appreciate the momentous occasion. It had taken a few decades and a couple of missteps, but one of the county’s most eligible and beloved bachelors was about to officially be taken off the market. It did his heart good to see his best friend so happy and utterly content. This still left his cousin to hold up the reins, but Kade knew there were several unhappy women crying in their beers today.
“We meet again,” his cousin said to a beaming Megan as he held his arm out to the Californian bridesmaid and escorted her down the aisle.
Steeling himself against threatening emotions, Kade set his shoulders and smiled at Brandi as she hooked his offered arm and stared up into his face with those fathomless eyes, brown gaze open and warm and full of all the things he didn’t deserve.
God, she was beautiful. In a knee-length dress of deep purple that hugged her ample chest and flared out at the hips, she took his breath. How he got down the aisle he didn’t know, only that he did, because they were miraculously in the correct positions when Jordan walked past and everyone stood to catch a glimpse of Mr. Masters approaching with the bride.
Wearing a white lace dress with purple rose accents, matching white and purple flowers in her hair, and a pair of purple cowboy boots, Kerri positively glowed. Her blissful expression was soft and sweet and exuded so much love for the cowboy waiting for her at the end of the aisle it was nearly tangible enough to touch.
His buddy’s indrawn breath had Kade turning to see emotions brighten the cowboy’s eyes and puff out his chest as adoration and love emanated from his brown gaze. Bittersweet, the happy emotions warmed his heart, yet intensified the hollowness in his gut. Life would be so much easier if he just didn’t feel.
And in front of family and friends, he watched his best friend marry the woman of his dreams in a ceremony he admittedly only half heard, thanks to the pounding in his head.
It had started before he’d walked Brandi down the aisle, then manifested as the beautiful woman played an incredible piece on the violin—the one he’d given her to replace the bow he’d broken. He hadn’t expected her to use the violin, too, although, when he’d seen the used instrument in the music shop where he’d gone to buy a bow, he knew…he knew the violin belonged with Brandi.
And hearing her play, watching her handle and hold the instrument as if it were an actual person she loved and cherished with all her heart, had touched something deep inside him. For a brief, wonderful moment he’d felt warm and good…and whole, as if he was the instrument.
Then reality set in when he’d caught a glimpse of Shayla and the fatherless baby sitting in the back row. He’d condemned the innocent child to a life without her father. Sergeant Nylan would never walk Amelia down an aisle. Loved? Fuck no. He didn’t deserve to be loved. Not when the little girl would never know the love of her father.
Thanks to him.
And an hour later, as he stood behind the bride and groom, staring down into Brandi’s sweet, accepting face, he told himself he didn’t deserve the warmth of her kiss, or the love in her touch he was forced to endure in front of family and friends.
When he drew back, intent on getting away from feeling, she grasped his arms and squeezed.
“Are you okay?”
He was so fucking sick of hearing that damn question.
“I’m fine,” he said, pulling free to go to his seat, and repeated the words in his head for most of the evening.
He’d laughed and toasted, danced and smiled, made all the motions necessary for his best friend to have a great celebration without him ruining the night. But now his friend was getting ready to leave on his honeymoon, and Kade was nearly home free.
“You sure you can handle things here while I’m gone?” Connor asked his smiling brother.
Cole nodded. “I’m sure. You just worry about yourself and your pretty bride.”
“Will do,” the cowboy said, happy gaze turning serious as he glanced from Kevin back to Cole. “You’ll take care of that thing we talked about earlier? ’Cause if you need me to—”
“We got it covered. Now go. The jet is fueled up and scheduled to leave in two hours,” Cole stated, apparently needing to reassure his pigheaded brother the ranch wouldn’t fall apart without him while the two honeymooned in the Caribbean for a week.
Connor turned and shook his hand. “You take care, and thanks for today.”
He laughed, more than confused by his buddy’s sudden touchy, feely moment. “No thanks necessary. I’m very happy for you and Kerri.”
He meant it. And would be happy when he could leave and get away from such a caring environment, and the woman he loved so close and so willing—
Shit…
His heart crashed into his ribs. No. He didn’t want to love Brandi Wyne. Didn’t want to feel. Didn’t want anything to do with the beautiful, giving woman he did not deserve.
“You okay, buddy?” Connor grasped his arm and frowned down at him.
Son-of-a-bitch. The damn question again. He inhaled and forced his jaw to relax.
“I’m fine, but you won’t be if you miss that flight.”
His buddy’s gaze cleared. “You’re right.” Connor winked, then picked up his squeaking bride, slung her over his shoulder and lumbered from the party.
Downing the last of his cola, Kade mentally relaxed. The bride and groom had gone. He was free to leave now. And, oh hell yeah, he was out of there.
After saying goodbye to the Masters and McCalls, he was almost through the living room when Brandi cornered him.
“Kade, wait,” she said. “I haven’t had the opportunity to thank you.”
He reeled back. “Thank me? For what?”
“My violin.”
A sweet smile stole across her lips and interfered with his pulse. He clenched his jaw and shook his head.
“Jesus, don’t thank me for that. I don’t deserve thanks. You shouldn’t have needed it. If it weren’t for me—”
Warm fingers pressed against his mouth and cut off his words.
“If it weren’t for you, I would never have had the opportunity to play something so sweet and beautiful and perfect.” Sucking in a breath, she lifted her chin, a sheen of tears evident in her eyes. “So just stop it right there. I don’t want to hear it. I know you didn’t mean to break the bow, but I’m glad you did. That’s all I wanted to say.” She released his mouth, and a lone tear streaked down her face. “Except that I love you, and I miss you. And I know you feel the same way.”
“Brandi, don’t.” His voice was low and rough because, hell, he was barely holding it together. “I have to go.” Grabbing her arms, he picked her up and moved her out of his way, then strode toward the hall.
Would the nightmare ever end?
“Hey, Kade, there you are,” Cole said, walking toward him. “Would you mind coming with me for a minute. There’s something I need your help with.”
Ah hell.
He let out a breath and nodded. Probably something to do with the ranch. The guy had a billion dollar software company to run. No doubt cattle didn’t fall into the scheme of things.
“Sure,” he said, walking into Cole’s home office.
He was a little surprised to find his cousin leaning against the desk. Maybe it was company business he needed help with? He turned to ask, then stopped dead when the younger McCall leaned against the closed door as if guarding it.
“You might want to sit for this, Kade.” Cole motioned to one of the plush leather chairs in front of his desk.
With his head beginning to really pound, he folded his arms across his chest and stared the guy down. “I’ll stand. What the hell is this about?”
“You, you idiot,” Kevin replied, straightening from the desk. “This
is an intervention, cuz.”
His arms dropped to swing at his sides. “A what? You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me.” He strode to the door. “Get out of my way, Cole. Now.”
The only movement the younger McCall made was a slight lift of his chin. “No. You need to hear your cousin out.”
“I don’t need to do shit. I’m the sheriff, and still on duty.”
“My wife will handle any calls that come in. Now sit down.”
Wrong answer. He swung, Cole blocked, but wasn’t ready for the right hook that followed.
“Son-of-a—”
The guy body checked him, but Kade’s training kicked in and he remained upright. Barely. Jesus, Cole was strong.
“What the hell? Kade, cut it out,” Kevin said, grabbing him from behind, and helping his buddy bring him to the floor.
Kade shook off his cousin, and scrambled to his knees, but McCall knocked him back down.
“Get the fuck off me,” he growled.
“Really, Kade? You’re not that stupid, are you?” Kevin said. “You think we want to do this? You’ve left us no choice. You’re just lucky Connor isn’t here. We had to badger him to get him to leave. But if you keep this up, I’ll call him back.”
He stilled.
Is that what the cowboy had meant about taking care of the thing? Christ. Was he the thing? He hated that his friends were worried about him. Didn’t want to be a burden to anyone.
“I’m fine. Why don’t you all just give it a rest?”
“You are far from fine,” Kevin said, sitting up and resting his back against the nearby couch, gaze intent and dark with worry. “You don’t sleep, barely eat…hardly work with the abused horses anymore. Christ. You love those horses. You would never abandon them. Ever. For you to do so now means you are so far from okay you’re not even on this planet. Brock had to take over the care of that mare. And then there’s this.” His cousin waved a hand at their friend. “You’re not violent, Kade. So how the hell do you explain this odd behavior?”
He closed his eyes and sighed, torn between the urge to continue to fist fight his way out of the room, and reassuring his cousin and friend that he was fine.
“Talk to us. What’s going on in that head of yours, cuz?”
“I don’t eat because I’m not hungry. And yes, I’m tired, but every time I close my eyes I see that damn soldier, or his fatherless kid, or…” He sucked in another breath, not ready to bring Brandi into the conversation.
“Why the hell hasn’t Brandi tried to help you?” Kevin asked, accusing tone way too pissy for Kade’s liking.
The woman was sweet, warm, loving and caring and didn’t deserve the attitude. He opened his eyes and glared. “Leave her out of it. She’s tried.”
“Ah hell, Cole, you were right.” His cousin sat back and shook his head. “The idiot did break up with her.”
How the hell did they figure that out?
Cole nodded, walking to a small bar in the corner to pour out three glasses of scotch. “Several weeks now, by my estimate.” The guy handed them out before settling his large frame against the desk, a red mark appearing on his jaw.
A sparkle of remorse trickled through his anger. He shook hit off. With the door no longer blocked, Kade contemplated his chances of escaping.
“Forget it, Dalton. It’s locked.” McCall held up the key before shoving it in his pants pocket. “So, drink up, and let’s talk.”
He downed the scotch, got up off the floor, and set the glass on the desk. “Done talking. Drank your damn drink, now let me out, or I’ll break down the damn door.”
“Kade, look at you.” Kevin jumped to his feet and shook his head. “You need help, man. Professional help.”
“Oh, for the love of Christ, would everyone just stop fucking saying that?” He began to pace, walls closing in, heat overtaking his body. “What I need is to be left the hell alone. Why won’t you all just leave me the hell alone, already?”
“Because we love you, you idiot,” Kevin stated. “Everyone is worried. Your family, your friends, Brandi.”
He stilled and stared at his cousin.
“Who the hell do you think came to us, asking us to intervene?”
Anger set his already heated blood to boil. Dammit. “Why doesn’t that woman leave well enough alone?”
Kevin shrugged. “Like I said, she loves you.”
“She needs to stop.”
Cole laughed. “It doesn’t work that way. Believe me, I tried it once. Women are more fucking stubborn than men.”
Kade snorted, not at all amused, but in total agreement. Especially since it was the truth.
“And that woman loves you, so you might as well accept it.”
“No way,” he protested. “She deserves better. I won’t let her.”
More laughing. “Listen to you, you idiot.”
McCall nodded. “You don’t let women do anything.”
“She needs to move on. I’m not worth it.”
“That’s fucking bullshit,” Kevin said, curling his fists. Anger glistened in his cousin’s eyes.
Kevin never curled his fists. He didn’t even know his cousin knew how to make one.
“You’re letting the guilt win.”
He blinked at the guy. “Yes, because I am guilty.”
“Of what? Being human?” Cole asked. “Then we’re all guilty.”
He twisted around and glared again. “It’s not the same and you know it.”
“You’re right. I do.” His friend nodded. “So, you’re saying it is my fault Bess died.”
“What?” He tossed his hands in the air, beyond disgusted with the conversation. “No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. This has nothing to do with you or your first wife.”
“Sure it does. It was my fault Bess was on the road that night, therefore it’s my fault she was hit by the truck.”
“You know, I don’t have to listen to this shit. Let me out of here.” He strode to the door.
“Why? Because you’re not the only one who lives with guilt and you don’t want to hear it?”
He twisted around and glared at his captors. “Are you going to let me out or do I need to take the key from you?”
“Jesus, Kade. Calm down,” Kevin frowned.
“I am fucking calm. Now let me out.”
“No,” Cole stated calmly. “If you’re guilty of that soldier’s death, then I’m guilty of Bess’ death. Jordan’s guilty of Eric’s death.”
“And I’m guilty of my dad’s death.”
Kade reeled back with Cole to stare at Kevin. “What?”
“It was my fault he was in that pasture,” his cousin said, tone low and sad. “I was supposed to put those horses out before school that day. I forgot, so Dad did it and…”
“Christ, Kevin, you were just a kid.” Kade clamped a hand on his cousin’s shoulder, heart squeezed tight at the thought of the guy carrying around the unfounded guilt for years. “How were you to know something would spook your dad’s horse and he’d hit his head?”
“How were you to know the enemy would open fire on that convoy, in that sector, on that day?” Kevin remarked. “Did you think by doing your job and ordering your men to do theirs, they wouldn’t come to any harm? You were in a war, for God’s sake, Kade.”
He shook his head. In fact, his whole body shook. “It’s not the same.” They just didn’t get it.
“It’s exactly the fucking same,” Kevin barked. “What? Only you get dibs on guilt? Hell no. It’s like Cole said, we all carry some kind of guilt. Doesn’t make us bad. Just makes us human.”
His friend pushed from the wall and turned to face him. “You think you deserve to be punished, so by living with the pain, your suffering is justified.”
Kade inhaled and nodded. That was exactly what he thought.
“Here.” Cole handed him a business card.
“What’s this?”
“The name of a therapist.”
Son-of-a-bitch… His insides sque
ezed so tight he swore they were now on the outside.
“She’s mine.”
He blinked at the serious brown gaze. He hadn’t expected that.
“She’s good.”
Kevin touched his arm. “You need to get help.”
“Think about it,” Cole urged. “Your family needs you. Your friends need you. Harland County needs you. Brandi needs you. But if you let this guilt eat up anymore of you, then there won’t be anything left but bitterness. I know. I was a bastard for months.”
“Years,” Kevin corrected.
Kade grunted. Cole had been really bad. God, was he acting like that?
“Yes.” His cousin nodded as if reading his mind. “It’s getting to the point where Cody’s afraid to ask you a question.”
“What?” His heart dropped. “I never realized…” He sank down into the nearest chair.
“You’ve been worse lately, snapping at everyone.” Kevin slipped into the chair at his side. “My guess, about the time you left Brandi.”
He sucked in a breath. Hearing it in laymen’s terms brought it home a lot harder. “I can’t be with her. Can’t subject her to my…”
“Bad moods?” Cole nodded. “Then you need to ask yourself a tough question, my friend.”
Kade inhaled. Jesus, he didn’t want to ask what he knew he had to ask. “What question?”
“Knowing you’re causing your family, friends, and the woman who loves you to suffer…” Cole folded his arms across his chest and held Kade’s gaze. “You have to ask yourself, who’s pain is more important? Yours? Or theirs? Because you can’t put an end to theirs, without stopping yours first.”
Chapter Fifteen
‡
BRANDI STARED AT her computer screen, watching her brother’s mouth move, but only half-hearing what he had to say during their call. It had been two weeks since Kerri’s wedding. Two weeks since she’d approached Kevin and the McCall brothers for help. Two weeks since Kade’s intervention.
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