Cowboy 12 Pack
Page 96
It took two hours to write Sidewinder. It ended up a rocking country ballad. Amazing what a little self-torture could do for a songwriter.
The sun went down, and he moved inside to his studio and kept writing, fueling himself with beer and leftover fried chicken. Six songs later, he felt like a human again. The first time since the night of Reno’s award in DC.
Adrenaline flowed, pumping his heart faster, winding his brain into a tight coil like an old-fashioned toy. He could write all night, but he had to do something else first. Something he’d been putting off to spare himself the hurt. He needed to read her letters.
Sitting in his family room, which was damned ironic because he had absolutely no one, he sorted her letters by date and opened the first one; the one she’d sent with his suitcase from DC.
She apologized for not telling him about Drake, and asked for his forgiveness.
“Aw Reno. That’s not why I walked.” He felt lower than a snake.
In the letter, she promised to be more attentive to him, give him what he needed. She’d make it work.
He held the letter in a shaking hand. Goddamn, she blamed herself, but it was his insecurities, his low-class upbringing, that made him not good enough for her. In DC, she’d been the focus of attention, and he’d been too immature to accept that he was just her guest. Nobody special. Shit, had he really been that selfish? Why hadn’t he explained it to her?
He dropped the letter on the table. Because she would have tried to talk around it, make him see things differently. At least she wouldn’t have lived with guilt all these months.
He ripped open the next envelope. Airmail from France. She talked about the school, what she taught, the friends she made, and the beauty of the country. She invited him to visit. She was lonesome.
He looked at the liquor cabinet. Yeah, he was lonesome too, and bourbon was his only friend lately. No one else could stand him.
Two hours later, he’d read her letters twice. The last one talked about her birthday coming up, and she offered to fly him to France first class if he’d just come for a short while so she didn’t have to spend the day alone.
The vision of her sitting by herself in some foreign country on her birthday damn near killed him. His chest hurt, pain radiating down his arm. Was he having a heart attack? He deserved to die for what he did to her. He deserved…
No! Hell no! All the sudden, it came together. He finally saw what he was doing to himself. “Fuck. Me!” He was living his father’s life. Something he said he’d never do.
Running a hand through his hair, he gasped for breath. He wouldn’t deny himself happiness, just because the woman he loved was out of his league. He could step back and let her shine. He could stand in her shadow whenever she needed him to, supporting her, encouraging her, and…loving her.
What a fool. What a fucking idiot! He stood, his mind clearing, his thoughts straight for the first time in a hell of a long time. He didn’t have to let Reno go so she could find a man good enough for her. He had to become a man good enough for her.
Before he could do that, he first had to do something for himself. Something he’d been promising himself for years. He fired up his laptop and searched college registration.
*
OCTOBER IN SOUTH Dakota was lovely. The golden wheat crop swayed in the fall breeze, rustling softly. Reno sat in her lawn chair in the wheat field, only about twenty feet from her house because that’s the farthest her baby monitor worked. She wrote story ideas on her pad of paper, free-forming plots as they popped into her mind.
The technique usually worked, but today, every few minutes, her mind shifted to Chase. The idiot. He never called, never gave her a moment’s thought as he plowed through his glamorous life, leaving a wake of destruction in his path. He was the big country star, so no one mattered but him.
Dropping her head back, she looked up at the darkening sky, dusk settling as the sun dipped below the horizon. “Stop the bitterness. Think of good things.” She’d adopted the mantra when she came home four months ago and faced the reality that she’d never see Chase again.
Breathing deeply, she relaxed and focused on the bounty of her life. The earth and wheat smelled so familiar. Elemental. This was where she belonged and where she’d raise her little one.
Thanks to Mitzi’s first-hand knowledge of what a baby needed, her spare room was now a nursery. She’d convinced her brother to paint the room for her, and made him promise not to call Chase or go after him and beat him senseless.
Her mother was more pragmatic. Excited finally to have a grandchild, she offered to be Reno’s labor coach. Which was weird. Having her mother massaging her big belly and telling her to breathe, when she should be yelling at Reno for getting herself into this predicament.
In the labor room, it had been Reno who yelled, and thanks to Chase’s insistence that she swear during sex, she had no compunction against cussing like a sailor for the last three hours of labor. Much to the shock of her mother and the hospital staff.
Tracy had come for a visit when Reno brought her little bundle home and had blessedly helped her through that first difficult week.
A hawk soared overhead, and a chill wind slid across the field. Through the baby monitor, her daughter’s tiny voice cooed, and she waited to see if she was awake or just talking in her sleep.
For a month and a half, she’d had Joy to herself. Her family warned her that she needed to let Chase know about her, but fear kept her putting it off until another day. Would he ignore her? Or would he set up some kind of elaborate legal custody schedule? She clicked her pen closed. Her mind wouldn’t focus on anything but him, and it was a sign. She should do it tonight. No, right now. It wasn’t fair to keep this information from Chase.
Of course, she dreamt he would sweep her and baby off their feet and beg her to come back to him. “Yeah, that’s never going to happen.”
Reno pulled out her phone and pulled up Tracy’s info. She typed a text. Wish me luck. I’m going to call Chase and tell him about Joy. She hit “send.” Her thumb hovered over the call button next to Chase’s name and she had to take a lot of deep breaths to calm herself.
In seconds, her phone chimed and she jumped. It was from Tracy. Good for you. I’m with you in spirit. It’ll be okay, Reno. You can do this. Hugs.
Tracy was filming the music video with Steele this week in LA, and Reno wished her friend were closer to lend support as she prepared herself to make the damn call. With a sigh, Reno set the phone in her lap and recited the words she’d said aloud at least two hundred times. Words that would tell Chase he was a father. Her nerves spiked and she flubbed it a dozen times, never finding the right sentences.
Flipping her notebook to a new page, she wrote the speech, made corrections, then started over again and again until it was nearly too dark to see. She should just do it. Just dial her phone and talk to him…
Thankfully, the sound of a car coming up the driveway gave her a reprieve. Her sister-in-law stopped by every day to visit, prompted, Reno was sure, by her brother’s worry about his little sister’s mental health.
She stood and stretched backward, taking a couple deep breaths and lifting her arms to the sky. As she turned toward her house, a big, silver SUV pulled up and stopped, the driver’s door opened, and a man in a black cowboy hat and black T-shirt got out.
Chapter Twenty
‡
OH GOD. RENO’S heart thudded and panic threatened to overtake her. As Chase closed the SUV’s door, he looked around and froze when he spotted her in the wheat field.
It was too late to duck, and Joy chose that moment to chirp over the monitor. As he stepped toward her, Reno held up a hand. “Stay where you are.”
He jerked to a stop.
“What do you want?”
“I’ve come to talk to you.” He took a step toward the field.
“No!” She held up another hand. “Say what you want to say from there.” She needed to hear what was in his heart without
fatherhood clouding his decision. The ten extra pounds she sported around her middle and her now-double-D breasts might give that away. She looked down at the monitor. Of course, his daughter’s voice would be a dead giveaway, too.
With an index finger, he tipped back his hat. “Okay.” He sounded confused, but he continued. “I’m an idiot.”
She bit her lips to hide her grin. “Yeah, I already know that.”
He glanced down and shuffled his boot on the gravel. “I made a mistake, Reno.” He looked at her across the wheat. “I let myself believe that you’d be better off without me.”
Warmth spread through her. This was what she’d waited so long to hear.
“I’ve asked you this too many times already, but can you forgive me? Will you let me try again?”
She couldn’t speak. Every ounce of her love for this man bubbled up and caught in her throat.
He pulled off his hat and held it over his heart. “I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m standin’ in the need of prayer, Reno.”
Such a poignant Southern phrase. But all the soulful expressions in the world wouldn’t make the past go away. Things had to change, and she needed to be sure of him. “Why would this time be different?”
“Because I’ve set goals for myself, and I’m committed to accomplishing them.”
This was unexpected. She’d braced herself to hear something about loving her more, or trying to understand her needs better. “What kind of goals?”
“First, I’m a college student now. I enrolled in both Black Hills State University and UTSA in San Antonio.” He smiled. “So wherever we are, I can take classes.”
“You did?” She had no idea he wanted to further his education. Why had he kept that a secret from her? “That’s wonderful.”
“And I’m not gonna stop until I have a doctorate degree.”
A smile curled her lips. Dr. Chase Tanner. He’d do it, too. She had no doubt. “What are you going to study?” This was the strangest conversation she’d ever held across a wheat field.
“I want to learn things about the world. Philosophy. Psychology. Art. Your world, too. I want to understand literature and stuff that will make me as smart as you.”
His self-confidence would be bolstered by a college degree, but he needed to realize his main issue was his distorted image of himself. “Chase, you are as smart as I am. Your business sense is extraordinary—”
“Yeah, but my common sense…horseshit.”
“True.” She grinned.
“I’m gonna study French, too. I want to take you to Paris for your next birthday. I…” He batted the wheat with his hat. “I missed your last one, and I feel like crap.”
So, he did read her letters. “I’d like that.” She loved that he wanted to erase the pain of the past eight months and replace it with new memories.
He squared his shoulders. “And I’m gonna take some time off. I’m booked too tight. I need to step back and look at my life, decide what’s important to me, and what I can let go of. I want to spend a lot of time with you.”
She’d like that, too. She needed him close by, especially now, when she had her hands full. She looked down at the baby monitor. Her nerves jittered. How would he react to learning about Joy? God, how was she going to tell him?
“I’m coming to talk to you.” He stepped forward.
“No, stay there, Chase. I’ll come out.”
“Whatever you want.” He moved back to the truck.
Turning up the volume on the monitor, she left it on the chair. The dirt clumps crunched under her sandals as she marched down the narrow dirt path she’d worn through the field over the last four months. Brushing wheat chaff off her white and pink floral sundress, she stepped out of the field.
His gaze took in all of her then he sucked in a breath. “You’re so beautiful, Reno. You don’t know how much I missed you.” He slid his fingers along the brim of his hat. “You are everything to me. I want to be part of your life again.”
His quiet plea rattled her like a gale force wind. She needed to touch him, to confirm he was finally, really here. She went to him and cupped his face then slipped her hand to the nape of his neck. His silky hair in her fingers felt so achingly familiar, but his face looked older, tired out. Dark circles arched under his eyes, and new wrinkles furrowed his brow.
“Reno, I love you.” His gorgeous blue eyes glowed with sincerity and her worry about his health slipped away.
Did she ever think she’d hear those words from him? She let them sink in and expand, filling every ounce of her with joy.
His face contorted. “Can you forgive me for all the horrible—”
“Forgiven.” They would deal with their past later. Right now, she had a few things to tell him about his future, and there was only one way to start. “I love you too, Chase.”
He buried his face in her hair. “You did say that to me in Chicago, didn’t you? God, I thought I was dreaming.”
“No, you weren’t dreaming. I blurted it out. I’d hoped it would plant a seed, and you’d come back to me as soon as it took hold.” She ran her fingers through his hair. “I had no clue it would be so slow to take root in that thick, stubborn brain of yours.”
He put an arm around her shoulders and they strolled to the house. “It took me way too long, but I’ll make it up to you. I promise. For the rest of our lives.”
No words had ever sounded that marvelous. A chill of excitement skittered through her. “Forever?” he’d asked her all those months ago at his ranch, but she’d answered, “for now.” Even then, she’d known that they’d need to go through a lot of hell before they found their heaven.
They climbed the steps to the porch. The windows stood open, and a chill fall breeze blew through and out the screen door. He held it open for her, and they stepped inside.
The table held a stack of baby clothes her friend, Mitzi, brought for her that morning. Reno scooped them up and stuffed them in a drawer. She scanned the room, making sure there was no other evidence lying around. She needed to talk things out with him before she sprang Joy on him.
Chase wandered around the great room. “This is really nice.” He gestured to the fireplace and the bear rug and pillows in front of it. “Can I light a fire?”
“Sure.” While he was busy, she skittered around the room and grabbed all the baby paraphernalia she’d left out. “I’ll be right back.” She hustled down the hall to the spare bedroom where Joy lay in a pink bundle. Her Joy, the most lovely, perfect creation she’d ever brought into the world. The books Reno wrote had been her babies for so many years. By comparison, they seemed almost frivolous. She’d never stop writing, but this little angel would always come first.
Joy’s tiny mouth worked in her sleep, preparing for her next meal, and Reno’s milk let down. She stuffed a couple extra pads in her bra, imaging Chase seeing wet circles on her dress and asking a hundred questions.
When she came out, she found him sitting on his heels starting the fire. He’d closed the windows and door, and he’d turned on the little Mount Rushmore nightlight in the kitchen.
She headed toward the kitchen. “Can I fix you something to eat?”
“If you’re not too hungry…” He gestured to the pillows. “We should talk first.”
“Yes, we should talk.” Over the last ten months, she’d come to hate those words, but their talk today would be different. A happily ever after for her, and the surprise of his life for Chase.
He helped her down and the soft pillows cushioned her back. He lay next to her, his head braced on his bent arm. “I wasn’t thinking straight, Reno, that weekend in DC, and the last eight months.” He brushed her hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. “But you have to trust that I’ve got my shit together now. I want to be your man.”
She closed her eyes. She’d always told him she could forgive him for anything. She glanced at him. The look on his face—fear mixed with expectancy—humbled her, and she reached out and touched his cheek. Sh
e would forgive him again, and things would be different now. “I do trust you, Chase. I do love you.”
Their gazes fixed on each other in the flickering firelight. She wanted this man. Babies, mini-vans, ponies, and sunny days on sandy Gulf beaches. The perfect family. A log snapped, startling her out of her reverie.
He leaned closer, his hard, flat abdomen pressed against her chubby belly. “I love you, Reno. More than I can explain.” He kissed her, a soft brush of lips.
She laced her hand in his hair and pulled him down. Teasing his lips with her tongue, she awakened the sexual beast in him, and the kiss turned fierce.
He kissed her thoroughly, his tongue tasting every inch of her mouth as if he were starving for her. The zing of lust brought back all the memories of their intense lovemaking, and her pussy lips swelled, creaming for him.
His arm slid down her back to press her tight to him. “I’ve missed this, baby. You’re the only one…” He took a breath and looked into her eyes. “I wasn’t with anyone else.”
She drifted deep into his gaze. “Thank you, Chase.” The knowledge that he’d been faithful erased the pictures she’d conjured in her imagination and melted away so much of her pain.
“Reno?” His face held an expectant look.
She wanted to laugh at the ridiculous question, but she gazed at him as sincerely as she could manage. “There was no one else.”
He visibly relaxed.
“Chase, make love to me.” She wanted a few minutes to reconnect with him. Just the two of them.
The spark in his eyes flared and he tugged her strap down.
“No, wait,” she blurted. He couldn’t see her breasts right now. “Let me make love to you.”
He smiled but his brow wrinkled. “Okay.”
She rolled him onto his back and sat on him, pinning his hands to his sides. In this position, she could keep her dress on.