A Man Melting

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A Man Melting Page 10

by Craig Cliff


  ‘The rules change when two people come together,’ he would say, and lean in to kiss whoever he was talking to.

  It didn’t work often, and certainly not in South Africa, where people couldn’t understand his accent when alcohol was involved.

  After a while he stopped going to parties. This coincided with no longer being invited to parties.

  Some days he could not get out of bed.

  On the days he could get out of bed he would stare at thorn trees for hours while drawing lines on the dusty pavement with the tip of his shoe.

  Then one day his pillow, which had been just the right balance of softness and hardness, was suddenly too soft. He got up in the middle of the night and searched his house for something firmer.

  He tried a sofa cushion. Too soft.

  An old VCR. Too hard.

  A stack of two phone books. Just right.

  When he woke in the morning, Ken from Canberra was possessed by the sudden desire to list everyone he had ever met.

  He called in sick and wrote the name of the colleague he spoke to in permanent marker on the wall above his telephone. He wrote the names of his immediate family in a line as he inched his way towards the bathroom. He wrote all of his cousins and second cousins and great-aunts and uncles on the way to the kitchen. While poaching two eggs, he wrote the names of all of his school teachers on his cupboards, the names of his sports coaches and piano teachers and university tutors on his fridge-freezer. When he made it to his bedroom, he wrote the names of all of his friends and their family members, then his school classmates who were not quite his friends but who he did not dislike, then, right down by the skirting board in tiny letters, those he did dislike.

  By mid-afternoon, he had run out of names, but was surprised how much of his apartment was covered with permanent marker.

  He returned to work the next day. The names of people he had left off his walls would pop into his head now and then. He wrote them down on Post-its and placed them in his pockets.

  When he met someone new he also wrote their name on a Post-it and placed it in his pocket.

  And so the week passed, Ken settling into the routine of adding the names from his pockets to his walls when he returned home each evening, before fixing dinner. Filling a blank piece of wall with another person he knew gave him a sense of enormous well-being. He wasn’t sure where he had heard this phrase before, but he didn’t want to Google it.

  Until he Googled it, he could believe a sense of enormous well-being was his phrase.

  2.

  Logan and WayCoolMic had never met in person (Logan didn’t even know WayCoolMic’s real name), but they were gmail chatting about how their fathers were failures and how it seemed inevitable they too would fail in almost identical fashions.

  At the same time, Logan was looking up unconnected things on Wikipedia:

  Cherry Coke

  Orbital Resonance

  Ziggy Marley

  When he typed ‘Tug-of-War’ he was redirected to ‘Tug of War.’ He wondered why he’d even used hyphens in the first place.

  Under ‘History’, Wikipedia said:

  The origins of tug of war are not clearly known. But there is evidence that tug of war was practised in ancient China and Egypt[citation needed].

  Logan cut-and-pasted this into his conversation with WayCoolMic and typed:

  me: that would have to be one long rope

  WayCoolMic: huh?

  me: a tug-of-war between China and Egypt

  WayCoolMic: oh

  me: GoogleMaps won’t calculate the distance between Beijing and Cairo. It looks like about 6000 miles

  WayCoolMic: long rope

  me: yeah

  WayCoolMic: my father had huge hands

  Another person wanted to start a gmail conversation with Logan, someone he had met in person but not seen since middle school. This person was called Oliver Carol, but everyone called him Oh Carol, even though nobody their age had ever heard the Neil Sedaka song — it was just one of those things, Oh Carol had told Logan once in a gmail chat, that every person in the Western world absorbed through the placental wall.

  A few years ago, Oh Carol had written a one-act play called Cultural Osmosis in which the main character lay in a foetal position in the middle of the stage for the whole play and the other cast members circled around him doing impersonations of Buddy Holly, Henry Kissinger and Doris Day.

  The play was never performed.

  Logan typed:

  me: did you know that unstable resonances with Saturn’s inner moons give rise to gaps in the rings of Saturn?

  Oh Carol: Wikipedia?

  me: yeah.

  The special case of 1:1 resonance (between bodies with similar orbital radii) causes large solar system bodies to clear the neighbourhood around their orbits by ejecting nearly everything else around them; this effect is used in the current definition of a planet.

  Oh Carol: just clicked on Clear the Neigbourhood: Earth, Mars, Jupiter and Neptune have not cleared their orbital neighbourhoods either.

  me: if everyone knew everything, the world might work

  Oh Carol: unlikely

  me: pessimist

  Oh Carol: playwright

  me: procrastinator

  Oh Carol: guilty

  me: I have been looking up unconnected things on Wikipedia since 4pm

  Oh Carol: me too

  me: I am going to copy and paste my browser history to you and you should paste yours, then we will look at the same stuff in reverse. Really connect y’know

  Oh Carol: I lied, I was looking at cheerleader porn

  me: me too. a little. I don’t care. Here’s mine:

  Ziggy Marley - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Basketball - Standings

  Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Basketball

  Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Basketball

  With starters chosen, West coaches have tough job

  trying to pick reserves at guard - NBA -

  Welcome to Facebook! | Facebook

  Welcome to AdSense

  VISIT KIMSPLAYGROUND.COM

  Ur target Advertising

  Typewriter - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  tyler.mpeg (video/mpeg Object)

  Tug of war - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  turkey buzzard – Google Search

  Turkey Vulture - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Toto’s Biography – Last.fm

  Tim Burton - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Their Satanic Majesties Request - Wikipedia, the free

  encyclopedia

  The Maltese Falcon (disambiguation) - Wikipedia, the

  free encyclopedia

  The Maltese Falcon - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  The Impressionable Jon Culshaw - Wikipedia, the free

  encyclopedia

  Teen sex videos

  Styx’s Biography – Last.fm

  Styx (disambiguation) - Wikipedia, the free

  encyclopedia

  Styx (band) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Styx - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Stellenbosch University - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  StatCounter - My Projects [loganberryyeah]

  StatCounter - My Projects [loganberryyeah]

  StatCounter - My Projects [loganberryyeah]

  Snake - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Short Story - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  short story definition - Google Search

  serj tankian torrent - Google Search

  See My GF - Homemade Sex - seemygf.com

  Search - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Search - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Search - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Search - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Sausalito, California – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Rhinoceros beetle - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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  Rhinoceros (disambiguation) - Wikipedia, the free

  encyclopedia

  Rhinoceros - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Returning Visits (loganberryyeah)

  reader of depressing books

  Ramhorn - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Queen (band) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Queen (album) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Po River - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  PO - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Piñata - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  pic014.jpg (JPEG Image, 400x600 pixels) - Scaled (93%)

  pic013.jpg (JPEG Image, 400x600 pixels) - Scaled (93%)

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  pic003.jpg (JPEG Image, 400x600 pixels) - Scaled (93%)

  pic001.jpg (JPEG Image, 400x600 pixels) - Scaled (93%)

  photo.php

  Peregrine Falcon - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Pau Gasol - Los Angeles Lakers - News - NBA -

  Yahoo! Sports

  Orbital resonance - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  NBA - Philadelphia 76ers/Charlotte Bobcats Recap

  - Yahoo! Sports

  NBA - Philadelphia 76ers/Charlotte Bobcats Box Score

  - Yahoo! Sports

  NBA - New Orleans Hornets/San Antonio Spurs Box

  Score - Yahoo! Sports

  NBA - Los Angeles Clippers/Memphis Grizzlies Recap

  - Yahoo! Sports

  NBA - Los Angeles Clippers/Memphis Grizzlies Box

  Score - Yahoo! Sports

  NBA - Indiana Pacers/Miami Heat Box Score - Yahoo!

  Sports

  My Friends Hot Mom

  My First Sex Teacher

  My Account

  Mr Mister – Music at Last.fm

  Mr Big – Music at Last.fm

  Mozilla Firefox Start Page

  Monkey - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Monique Allen - Digital Dreamgirl

  Minty - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  minties - Google Search

  Minties - Australian-Food.com

  Mike Starr (I)

  Mike Starr (actor) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Mike Schwartz (II)

  Mike Schwartz - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Mammal - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Magnify User (loganberryyeah)

  login.srf

  login.srf

  Login Failed

  Login | Facebook

  List_of_amphibians

  List of universities in South Africa - Wikipedia, the free

  encyclopedia

  List of placental mammals in Orders Tubulidentata

  - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  List of placental mammals in Order Perissodactyla

  - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  List of placental mammals - Wikipedia, the free

  encyclopedia

  List of mammals - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  List of amphibians - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Kim Carnes’s Biography – Last.fm

  Kenny Loggins’s Biography – Last.fm

  Jazz (album) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  index.cgi

  Image: Mammal species pie chart.png - Wikipedia, the

  free encyclopedia

  Image: Kasza gryczana 01.jpg - Wikipedia, the free

  encyclopedia

  hanging pot plant - Google Search

  hanging pot plant - Google Image Search

  Google Mail - Inbox - [email protected]

  Google Mail - Inbox - [email protected]

  Google Mail - Inbox - [email protected]

  Google Mail

  Google Mail

  Google AdSense - Reports

  Google AdSense - Reports

  Google AdSense - Reports

  Google Accounts

  FREEGONZO.COM Free Sex Movies and Sex

  Pictures

  FreeGonzo.com

  Free porn pictures and movies galleries

  FreaksOfCock.com

  Fling.com Horny Babes looking for Sex

  Fantasy on Yahoo!Sports - News, Scores, Standings,

  Rumors, Fantasy Games

  Facebook | WayCoolMic’s Photos - xmas & New Year

  holiday

  Facebook | WayCoolMic’s Photos - xmas & New Year

  holiday

  Facebook | WayCoolMic

  Facebook | Ryan’s Wall

  Facebook | Oh Carol

  Facebook | Photos

  Facebook | Message: looks like you are having a great

  time

  Facebook | Inbox

  Facebook | All Friends

  Exploding animal - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Ed (TV series) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Donate

  Donal Logue - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  DiscreteSex Free Erotic Stories With Hardcore Pictures

  creator minties - Google Search

  Corey Maggette - Golden State Warriors – News -

  NBA - Yahoo!Sports

  Complete trips near your ideal times

  Come Sail Away - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  COLLEGE INVASION MOVIES

  Cleared the neighbourhood - Wikipedia, the free

  encyclopedia

  Chris Kaman - Los Angeles Clippers - News - NBA

  - Yahoo! Sports

  Cherry Coke - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Celestial mechanics - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Category: Exploding animals - Wikipedia, the free

  encyclopedia

  Category: Animals - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Call Kelly Secret Free Porn Pictures and Movies

  Caeciliidae - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Buckwheat - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Browser Check

  Broadband Wireless from AOL Broadband | Includes

  wireless router and speeds up to 8Mbps

  Brazzers Network

  Boulengerula boulengeri - Wikipedia, the free

  encyclopedia

  Blogger: Sign in

  Blogger: Dashboard

  Big Tit Patrol - Massive Tit Porn

  Beggars Banquet - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  BarelyLegal.com - No.1 Teen Mega Site On Internet

  At sign - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Animal - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Amphibian - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  Aardvark - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  A Night at the Opera (Queen album) - Wikipedia, the

  free encyclopedia

  7.jpg (JPEG Image, 800x533 pixels)

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  me: are you there Oh?

  Oh Carol appeared to be offline.

  WayCoolMic appeared to be offline also.

  Logan opened a new tab which, in time, displayed pictures of naked cheerleaders.

  3.

  Mitzi Visitacion had done everything right.

  She had the pseudonym, randomly generated from US census data.

  She had the MFA.

  She had permission to quote her manuscript assessors’ words of praise (‘Ms Visitacion writes as if English is our second language …’; ‘Blue Belly Blues is unforgettably … memorable’).

  She had the perfectly crafted submission letter.

  And of course — of course! — she had perfectly crafted stories.

  But all this got her was rejection. Rejection letters, rejection slips, rejection emails, rejection text messages, rejections scrawled on Denny’s napkins and slid under her bathroom stall, rejections instead of prizes in her cereal box.

  When she received a rejection note from a journal she had never submitted to — she’d thought she was signing up for an annual subscription — enough was enough.

  She opened a new Word document and typed:

  Dear Famous Writer,

  We here at Xyzphage are looking to publish writers at the peak of their powers, though it is admirable that you are still toiling away. So it’s a no from us.

  Yours in pre-emption,

  Xyzphage Editorial Board

  She looked up ‘American writers’ on Wikipedia and copied and pasted the names into an Excel spreadsheet. One by one she tracked down each writer’s email address and rejected them. If she could not find their email address, she left a comment on their website or advised their agent of their rejection. Rejections for deceased writers were sent to their estates.

  It felt good to reject Ernest Hemingway (‘not butch enough’), Hunter S Thompson (‘too constricted’) and Grace Paley (‘reads like another writing workshop prodigy’s pale imitation of Grace Paley’).

  If a writer was really old but still writing, like Philip Roth or Elmore Leonard, she still addressed the rejection, ‘To the Estate of …’

  She was surprised at how many replies she received to her rejection emails. The audacity. It had never occurred to her to respond (let alone object) to a rejection email. Maybe this was what was holding her back.

  But she was having too much fun writing rejections to worry about her own perfectly crafted stories.

 

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