by Mark Tiro
“I just need a little space. Please?”
“Okay. But come get me if you need me.”
I took off my shoes and walked up the stairs, toward my room.
As I passed it, the door was closed to the room Tom and Sean shared. I went into my room, and I closed my door, too.
I slammed it closed.
Then I tore off my coat and dove onto my bed. I reached over for the list that had caused so many problems. I moved my hand over the comforter, feeling around it for the pen. I found it after a few seconds.
That’s it. The list. It was still lying open to where I had erased those last entries. I remembered. I took it in both hands, held it open, and began to read.
As soon as I began reading, my eyes immediately landed on what had been written there, underneath.
My hidden wishes.
These were the ones that had been written there, underneath, back who-knows-when. These are the ones that had been there before I’d covered them over in that one final manic session.
Those frenzied, manic, final wishes—I had erased them all tonight before I’d gone to the basketball game. And now that they were gone, I could finally see, for the first time, what they had concealed.
This. They had concealed this. My secret hidden wishes.
So this is what I had intentionally written over long ago. They’re starting to come back to me now.
But why had I covered over these?
Or maybe there never really was anything there before? I racked my brain, trying to remember. Had I really written over anything? Why would I do that?
But as soon as my eyes lit them though, I knew.
I knew these were my words.
I knew these were my deepest wishes.
Before my desires for a normal family, before Angel and Steve and all those desires to control everyone and everything and make them all into nothing more than I would have them be—I’d had these wishes.
These were what I had really wanted… before. And yet, these were also what I’d been afraid to even think about or remember. I’d been so afraid that I’d intentionally written over them. I’d tried to push these things down. I’d tried to cover up what I’d really wanted… to obliterate them.
And yet… here they were.
And now… I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t afraid to look.
I had never felt strong enough to look at what was right here in front of me.
Now I did.
“I am determined to see the truth.”
Just that. Just those words.
Those were the words. They were written there, in my own handwriting. Those were the words, clear as day. Underneath all my fevered attempts to cover them over, to forget the truth, to avoid ever raising my eyes up to look at it again—my simple desire was still there. It had never really gone away, and now it was right in front of me. Again.
“I am determined to see the truth.”
I read this again, playing the words over in my mind. They were simple, obvious, beautifully clear….
And too late.
Like watching a dam break in stunning slow motion and realizing too late that this breathtaking thing you were seeing was the exact thing that was about to overwhelm you—the truth flooded in now.
It flooded into my mind, overwhelming me.
Yes, above all else, my deeper wish had been to see the truth.
And now the deluge was here… and there was absolutely nothing I could do so stop it.
I held my list up as tightly as I could. In one defiant, determined sweep, I ripped its pages out as hard as I could.
I tore them apart.
No more magic. No more wishing for things.
I. Am. Done.
The last shreds of the list fell in scraps on the floor at my feet.
I didn’t notice.
I didn’t notice because as they drifted down, I knew there was still one more thing I needed to do.
Now, I was ready. And determined.
I was finally ready to look at what I’d forgotten, what I’d sworn never to look upon ever again.
I was determined to see the truth.
I turned around and walked.
I walked with my eyes wide open.
I turned around and with my eyes wide open, I walked back… into the room.
Into that room.
24
Twenty-Four
The whole room—my room—dissolved. Suddenly, I found myself in a different room… watching from the side, like seeing a movie.
A girl walked into the room.
There was an older boy in the room. The girl talked with him a little. It looked like she was… not uncomfortable. That’s not the right word. It’s like they knew each other, but… wait. Wait a minute, this girl looks familiar. I think maybe I know her, but… who is she?
I can’t place her.
It’s becoming a little clearer now. No, she isn’t uncomfortable. It’s the opposite. She’s too comfortable. I don’t know how I know, but I know. She doesn’t know, but I know. She has no clue.
I know. I don’t know how, but I know. Reflexively, almost unconsciously, I cringed. It only lasted a second. The next thing I knew, I was bracing myself.
It was instinct.
For what—I didn’t know. But I found myself clenching up anyway, bracing myself for… what?
Then I gulped—also a reflex. In this case, it was the reflex to resist the urge to throw up.
I took a step back and tried to catch my breath. I surveyed the scene. It was unfolding in slow motion… devastating slow motion, like a cross between a daydream and imagination.
Or maybe a nightmare.
But like a bad movie when you’re already in too deep, I forced myself to keep watching. I tried to detach because I hate watching these kinds of things. But still—here I was. I couldn’t take my eyes off it.
And that’s when I forgot.
I had been watching everything unfold from the outside, like watching a movie. Or a dream. But then, just like that—I forgot. I was becoming mesmerized now. Entranced and drawn in, deeper and deeper….
He’s going to do a very bad thing to this little girl. I just knew it. I decided to cover my eyes, like you might do the moment before a crash you know is about to happen. Half instinct, half self-preservation….
Only I couldn’t do it. This time, I couldn’t bring myself to not look. This time—I was determined to go into this with my eyes wide open.
I forced myself to look.
She’s not so little, this girl, I thought. Then I hesitated, but I knew. There’s no point of denying it anymore. This girl… she’s… she’s…
Me.
I am this girl.
And just like that, I was back. “Oh my god!” I screamed. “No!” It felt like a kick to the gut, and I keeled over in one devastating blow.
Then I looked up. “Mom!!!”
No more denial. I am this girl.
I am Maya.
Looking out from my own eyes, I cried out for help again, “Help me! Mom, please! Help, Mom! I’m up here, please, please… please….”
Nothing. No answer, no sound. No mom.
Mom wasn’t coming. It was brutally clear now—no one was coming. No one was coming to help me. No one was coming to save me.
I stopped shouting and let my voice trail off.
Now, only silence.
Looking out from where I lay, curled up on the floor, I watched as Tom walked toward me. Step… step… step… He was moving towards me, one agonizing step after another.
I closed my eyes as tight as I could. I tried to shut him out. I tried to shut out the entire world. Please just go away. Please.
But then something happened. My eyes were still clenched shut, but something gave me just enough strength to open them. It was a small, still voice, reaching up to me from deep within. Barely perceptible, I heard in a whisper: I am strong. It is okay. Just look.
Then I remembered. I remembered—and I roared.
It is NOT okay!
I am raging now.
I look around the room. Where is he? There’s no one here but me and this… Tom… this… monster. But it’s not right. I am not alone! I know I am not alone!
Why am I alone?
I am here. I am always here with you, Maya.
So quiet, the voice was no more than a wisp… a memory….
I remember someone, someone kind… someone. David…. But who are you? Who…
I opened my eyes to look. I opened my eyes, hoping to see him… hoping….
I am strong. It is okay. Now, look.
And for just the tiniest instant, I was strong. For just that instant, I knew—and despite that, I was strong.
I knew as I’d always known, though I’d covered my eyes and refused to look. Now it was obvious: even when I’d forgotten, when I’d been off, away, when I’d clenched my eyes tight against it, even then… even then—there had never been an instant when I had not known.
I opened my eyes now to look.
I opened my eyes and he was here. He was here now because as far as I’d tried to go, as hard as I’d tried not to look—he’d never gone away.
And he was here now.
Tom. Tom was here.
The quiet, still voice seemed quiet now, distant. A million miles away.
Now I could see only him. I could hear only him.
Tom. I remembered his name—though I knew now I had never really forgotten it. It came roaring back to me. It all came roaring back. This bastard. He’s not… he’s not… he’s not supposed to be here. But he was here, right in front of me.
The voice of peace—I couldn’t hear it now. Like a long-forgotten memory, it was drifting now, away, carried on the winds of my mind, off and into the memories beyond. And then it was gone.
A different memory rushed in to take its place now.
It was Tom. No Mom. No Sean. Just Tom.
I pulled my legs in close, tight to my chest like a ball. And then I braced myself for the pain about to come.
“You snuck out, you little slut.” Tom was talking crazy now. “You went to be with a boy, didn’t you?” It was half-crazy and completely slurred.
‘What? Huh?’ I tried to stammer… but no sound came out of my mouth.
“You went to have sex with some boy, didn’t you? You little slut, that’s what you want? Okay then, I’ll give you what you want.”
I was frozen. But I was also still present. This time, I stood my ground. This time, I fought to keep my eyes wide open. I struggled against the dark shadows that were just one thought away from engulfing me and pulling me back into dark denial. My eyes were open, and I knew now there was nowhere to back away to. My vision became a narrow tunnel, and my body sat paralyzed. But this time, I refused to shut down. Even as the whole world began to cave in, I fought to keep my eyes wide open.
And then… he was on top on me.
25
Twenty-Five
Tom was in a frenzy now. He was tugging down his pants with one hand, holding down my shoulder with the other. He ripped at my clothes. I tried to scream again, but still no sound came out. I tried to push him off me, but he was too big… too strong… too much.
It was no use. He just kept coming.
I was drifting again.
I was drifting away, off, into that silent, distant nothingness. I could see myself. I was still there, still pinned under him. But now, it was as if I was looking again from the outside. It took everything I had, but I struggled to keep my eyes open. I fought to not shut down.
He was ripping away my clothes, still struggling to get them off me as I struggled right back to stop him.
I was still fighting. It was a two-front war I was fighting now…. I was fighting him to get him off me, and I was fighting myself to stay present. So far, I was just barely holding my own on both fronts. I realized this and was proud of myself.
Maybe it was that thought. I don’t know. But just like that—I felt a sharp surge of pain. I winced, and just like that, I was fully aware. Pinned down on my back under his crushing weight, I looked out at the only thing I could see. It blocked out everything else, every bit of light, almost every bit of hope.
Almost.
Nooooo!!!
It was a primal scream, but not a sound came out.
I was helpless now to move.
And still—I fought on.
I don’t want to watch this. I don’t want to see. I want to close my eyes, to protect myself—to make all of this go away. I wish I could wish it all away. I wish I could make it stop.
But I’m still fighting. I want to fight. I’m fighting the urge to close my eyes, to drift away. It’s pointless, I know, he’s so big. He keeps trying to get my clothes off. I fight back, and yet, he just keeps coming.
I know it’s pointless. I know I don’t stand a chance. But still—I know now, I will keep resisting until I die. Here’s where I make my stand. Right here. Right now.
This monster is tearing at my skirt, trying to get at it… trying to rape me.
And that’s when it hits me. The horror. A thousand-ton dump truck full of lead and boulders and chains, full of weighted steel—and all of it, falling on top of me now… covering me, suffocating me, pinning me to the ground. And now, he’s pulling my panties off… he’s trying, trying…
Oh my God… nooooo! I scream again. And again, and again. Still—no sound comes out.
Why? I roared to myself. Why? I roared again It was power, I felt the strength of the lion. I would not surrender.
In the end, my body gave out. It just lay there. Just like this girl… just like me…. Just like I had before. Paralyzed, motionless and silent, my body lay there, broken, motionless, awaiting the inevitable end.
And that’s when I noticed it. It was something quiet, something powerful, inside—something… wonderful!
This is not the end! I knew that now. This strength will not let me fail. You can kill my body, I silently roared. But you can never kill me! Not this time. Not now. Not ever!
My body lay paralyzed, my mouth, unmoving.
But I will not surrender! I will never surrender! Kill me now, I don’t care. You cannot win! You bastard!
That’s when Sean walked in the door.
Again. Just like before. And he threw that bastard off of me. Just like before.
I fell back, exhausted. Just like that, it began to fade. Again. Just like before. The fight was done, and I lay back and let go. Everything was fading now, and I was fading, too, right along with it.
Fight, Maya, fight! I heard the voice from within. It was my voice.
I was drifting again… distant, far away. Fight, Maya, fight! It was the last thing I heard before Sean’s voice. But I did hear Sean’s voice.
And at last, I passed out, exhausted. Done.
The next thing I knew, I saw my body in the corner, curled up in a ball, clutching my legs tight to my chest, slowly rocking back and forth.
I came to. In shock, not moving, my mind dazed. For all intents and purposes, I was… catatonic.
I rocked slowly, back and forth, eyes still fluttering.
Catatonic.
I was fading again, fading to… numb.
I sat motionless, dazed. Still, I could sense the tiniest little point of… light. It was coming from somewhere deep within, lying quietly in some hidden wellspring of strength. I felt its power. I felt it there… but just barely. And so, I clung to it.
I clung as it slowly turned into my strength. I clung with everything I had. I clung, giving it the space within me to grow… bigger… stronger… firmer. It took every last ounce of strength I could muster, but I held on. This was my stand, my sheer defiance.
I held on for dear life.
As I did, it grew. Just a little bigger now, just a little stronger. Just enough.
And I didn’t move.
I turned inward, nurturing, protecting… holding onto my fight… this fight, this source of my… defiance
. A little bit of energy surged through my body now. My body may still have been catatonic, but I wasn’t. My body may not have had the physical strength to move. But I did.
I am not my body.
I am strong.
I am Maya.
I held on, nurturing my little embryo of resistance like my life depended on it.
Then I slowly opened my eyes, rising from the catatonic death I’d been hurdling towards. I opened my eyes. And then… I roared.
This time, a sound came out. This time, I let it go.
I let everything go.
My fight was born that day. My defiance was born that day, and my resistance, and my resolve.
I was born that day.
I heard the smallest, faintest voice. It was just a wisp in the background, nothing more. But it was a voice with which I was intimately familiar. It was a voice of kindness, and compassion.
I knew this voice. It was David’s voice.
It gently said one word.
“Forgive.”
“Nooooo!” I roared, pushing it away as hard as I could. “No!” I shouted. I resisted. I had my own strength now. I had my own power.
“Nooooo!” I roared at this voice again, as loud as I could. Anger and power and strength coursed through me now. “I am strong!” I roared again, to drown out the idea. And then I roared one last time—to silence this still, small voice forever. “There is nothing to forgive!” I was angry now. I was furious.
I was strong.
And I looked out as Tom finally tumbled out of that room in one final shove from Sean.
“Never again!” I swore. “Never again.”
I was angry, furious, strong—and it was all directed outward. It was all directed at that bastard, that monster. At him… at Tom.
Now there was no more still, small voice. At least none that I could hear. I had completely drowned it out. No whisper of forgiveness, no gentle voice of kindness. That was the voice of weakness, I told myself. And now I am strong. That was the sound of pity, and now, I am powerful. I will never be a victim again!
Outside, all was quiet now. Inside, the ferocity of a lion filled my mind! I am free now, and I will fight back.
