“Dad,” I start.
“You single-handedly destroyed my good name in this town. How am I ever going to be elected regional Lions Club president now?”
I pull the pillows over my head, blocking myself from him.
“Honey, why did you do that? You’re a good girl from a good family, it’s not safe,” my mother says, on the verge of tears, her voice breaking. Or maybe she’s been crying already.
All I want to do is get out of here and find Steel.
“Leave me alone,” I say, my voice muffled by the pillows.
“How am I supposed to recover from this? I’m the president of the Lions Club, and your actions are going to cost me that.”
I fling the pillows off and sit up.
“I am an adult. My actions are nothing to do with you and your stupid club.”
“I don’t give a damn what age you are, I will not stand by why my daughter drags my name through the mud!” my father screams.
“Honey, I’m just so worried about you, it’s not safe to be hanging around with those types, you’re liable to end up dead in a ditch,” my mother says through her sobs.
“You two are ridiculous. And selfish. I’m leaving.”
Grateful I still have my dress on, I leap out of bed and stomp to my door. My father moves faster than a wide receiver and reaches the door before me.
“Over my dead body,” he says through gritted teeth, his nostrils flaring.
“You can’t stop me, I’m an adult. Get out of my way.”
“Don’t you dare speak to me like that in my house,” he says.
“So get out of my way, and I won’t have to.”
My mother latches onto my arm and pulls. Her tears are flowing uncontrollably and she tries to wrestle me back to the bed.
“They’re all drifters who are lying cheats and criminals. It’s not safe. I need my baby to be safe. I couldn’t live if something happened to you,” she says.
“Let me go,” I say, shaking my arm, “I mean it!”
My father steps over the threshold and beckons my mother. She goes to his side and he slams the door.
I yank at the door handle, twisting and turning, but it won’t budge. He’s holding the handle from the other side. The hiss of his whispering to my mother comes through the door, but I can’t make it out.
“This is confinement, you can’t do this to me.”
“Emily, I’m going to bring you up some supper,” my mother says in her most caring voice. It’s as though I’ve fallen off my bike and skinned my knee.
Growling, I storm back to my bed and grab my phone from my bedside table. As fast as I can, I type Maddie a text.
My parents are holding me captive
-Good then you won’t go back to that creep carny today
Unbelievable. I thought she’d understand, unlike Courtney.
He isn’t a creep
I hit send, slam the phone down and cry myself back to sleep.
13
I Remember You (Steel)
It’s November, we’re in Georgia, near the Florida border, and it’s the last night of the carnival before the winter break. Traditionally, it’s the biggest party night of the year. Only I don’t feel like partying.
“Going to be a great night, this is always the best night for choice pussy. Remember last year? You had two at once,” Razor says.
I grunt at him. He knows I’ve lost all interest in it. Emily still hasn’t left my head. Pretty local girls keep throwing themselves at me, and all I’ve done is curl my nose and push them off me.
It kills me that she thinks I left without saying goodbye.
“Zombie went and found a whole truckload of girls for tonight.”
“Don’t care.”
“Come on, man. You can’t get hung up on that chick. Face it, you’re never going to see her again.”
“I’ll find her.”
“Then what? You get married and have babies? Keep it real, none of these townies see us as anything other than one of the carnival rides. One weekend a year is all the fun they want from us.”
I don’t feel the need to respond to him. Something happened that night between us, something more. I’ll be damned if I don’t find her and keep her for good. Whatever it takes.
Every night since Papa Smurf sent me away with the twenty-four hour man, I’ve been trying to find out what the name of her town is.
Papa Smurf had something big on the twenty-four hour man, and whatever it was, it was big enough that he wouldn’t even give me a whiff of a hint about the name of the town. The minute the carnival season finished, he took off, never to be seen or heard from again. Whatever Papa Smurf had on him must’ve been big.
I kick myself every day for not paying more attention to the names of all the small towns we go to. But it’s the same with Razor and Whiskey and all the other carnies. You’d think at least one of us would pay attention to the names of towns. But no, apparently not, and now I’m paying the price.
I sit and party with them every night, but as soon as I’ve had enough, I go back to my bunk and spend forever on my phone to try to figure out what town Emily lives in.
It’s costing me a fortune in data charges on my phone, but I’m been looking at photos of every potential town to find hers. Not that I saw anything about the town, other than my look of it from the Ferris wheel when we first put it up. There are a whole lot of Golden Arches out there, and they aren’t much of a landmark to go by.
When I’ve had enough of that, I close my eyes and remember her scent, her taste and the way she responded to me. After I’m spent, I think of the rest of the night with her and the things we talked about. Nights always end in me making a new resolution to find her again.
The season finished a couple of weeks ago. We’ve gone further away from North Carolina, and are in Mississippi, near the Gulf. Only the core ride staff is working here over the winter: me, Razor, Whiskey and Zombie. Everyone else is on their own over the winter months, and many will join us again in the spring. Of course, lots will never be seen or heard from again.
“Tell me, dammit. I finished the fucking season. Now tell me the name of the town,” I say to Papa Smurf.
“You expect me to remember the name of some shitty town? Do you know how many we’ve been to this year?” he says.
“I know damn well you know it, I’ve been asking since the day we left.”
“Maybe I’ll remember it after the painting and yearly maintenance on the rides.”
Asshole. I’d be out of here today if he told me the town. Now he’s using it to make me do the shit work. Maybe my fists could make him change his mind about telling me it.
Except I know him too well. If I break his nose, there’s no chance in hell that he’d ever tell me the name of the town.
14
All by Myself (Emily)
It’s December, and I’m standing in the line at the coffee shop. I hear others in line chatting to neighbours, friends, nobodies. I used to be that every time I went out, everyone smiled and said hello. Since the carnival, no one says hello. It’s like I have a scarlet A stitched to my shirt.
Steel gave me one thing that night, and that’s the courage to be my own person. They can judge me all they want, but I’m going to walk around Colmar with my head held high. They can snicker behind my back all they want.
The Lions Club sponsors the annual carnival, and as the president my father has vowed to never allow Steel’s carnival -- or Steel -- to set foot in this town again.
“I’m praying for your family,” the old bitty Barbara behind the counter says.
For my family. Not for me, because I don’t matter one bit to these people. It takes everything in me not to tell her to fuck off. Barbara’s the biggest gossip in this town, and I’m positive I’m her number one topic.
I still haven’t forgiven my parents for barricading me in my room. They wouldn’t let me out until all trace of the carnival was gone. The tension in the house is still thick. There c
ertainly wasn’t any ‘I’m thankful for my family’ at Thanksgiving. On their part, or mine.
The thing that upsets me most is that Steel thinks I didn’t come back for him. He probably long forced any thoughts of me out of his head. I feel so terrible.
I don’t remember the name of the carnival. All I remember is that the logo had a clown on it. A zillion carnivals have clowns in their logos. I never knew there were so many clowns before I spent hours online trying to find out the name of Steel’s carnival.
Too bad my best friends won’t help me. I can’t believe they’ve taken the side of my parents on this. I feel so alone, which only makes me more desperate to find him.
“Actually, Barbara, I’ll take my coffee to go.”
“Uh huh.”
I always have my coffee here, it’s part of my Saturday routine. But today, I’m tired of it. Tired of it all.
With cup in hand, I get into my car. There’s something I’ve been thinking of ever since that night with Steel, and I’m finally going to go through with it.
First, I send a quick text to my mother.
Going Christmas shopping in Raleigh
I wonder what she’ll get me for Christmas this year, a chastity belt or something nicer.
I Google tattoo parlors in Raleigh, I know better than to step anywhere near one in the remote area, and phone the one with the highest rating.
“The Ink Spot,” a gruff man’s voice says.
“Hi, do you have any appointments free today?”
“What were you thinking of getting? Is it something big or small? Do you know the design?”
“I just want a small rose, but I don’t have a design for it.”
“That’s okay, we’ve got plenty of roses to choose from. Can you make it for two?”
“I think so.” It’ll be tight, and I’ll have to put my foot down a little on the highway to make it.
“Okay, I’ll put you down.”
I give him my name and number and hang up. After ramming my phone into my purse, I turn on my car and head to Raleigh. My chest is bursting with anticipation.
Steel’s right. If I want a tattoo, I should get one. No one ever has to know but me, and hopefully him. Even if someone does find out, it’s my body and none of their business anyway.
By the time my hands connect with the tattoo parlor doors, my tummy is fluttering with equal parts nerves and excitement.
“Hi, I’m here for my two o’clock appointment.”
A man who looks twice my age stands and says, “The rose?”
“Yep, that’s me.”
The man pulls out a big binder and opens it to some laminated pages of rose designs.
“These are the roses,” he says.
“I want to be able to wear a bikini without it being seen.”
“No problem, I can put it anywhere you want.”
“And the size?”
“Whatever you want, I can do.”
I’ve always pictured having a red rose bud, and it doesn’t take me long to zero in on the one I like best.
“That one,” I say.
It’s perfect and I’m crazy excited. I’m finally going to have something I’ve wanted for a long time, and it’s all because of Steel. I need to find him again, whatever the cost.
15
The Memory Remains (Steel)
I am so sick of looking at, smelling and being covered in bright yellow paint. Papa Smurf has me painting the whole damn Zipper by myself. Asshole.
Any other year I would’ve loved it, because it means not finding a job for the winter months. This year it just feels like he’s abusing me because he knows he has information I want. Information I’d do anything to get.
I can’t help this feeling in my gut, that I should be hitching around North Carolina, going from town to town to find Emily myself. It would be faster than playing his fucking game. Assuming I didn’t freeze to death sleeping on park benches in the middle of winter.
My Googling must be getting close to finding her town. It would be a lot easier if they didn’t all look the fucking same, but I have to be getting close. I have to.
Razor said I’d forget all about her by Christmas, but she’s stuck in my head even more.
I have to find her. And I will.
Papa Smurf walks across the lot, and I fling down the paintbrush to chase after him.
“Tell me the name of the town,” I say, balling my fists.
“The painting’s not done.”
“I don’t fucking care. The painting’s never going to be done, because I’ve had enough. I’m going to find her, with or without your help.” I puff my chest at him, my nostrils flare.
“Steel, calm down,” he says putting a hand on my shoulder. “It’s not what you think. I seen carnies like you fall hard for townies before, and it never ends good for them. You’ve been with me since you was a teen, and I don’t want to see you get hurt like that.” His voice is smooth, and he is saying the most genuine thing any male father figure has ever said to me in my life.
“It’s not like that, she’s different.”
“I heard that before, too.”
“I’m going to find her, with or without you.”
“Think about it long and hard first is all I’m saying. One night is one thing, but you’ll find out the hard way that you’re from a different world than her, and that the outside world don’t approve of us. Her folk ain’t ever going to think otherwise. The prejudices against us run deep, don’t never forget it.”
I shake my head at him and walk away, trying to digest his words. Everyone always paints carnies as no good, but Emily’s different. I’m sure of it.
16
Love Walked In (Emily)
“My regular latte, please, Barbara.” Each of my Saturday lattes marks another week since I spent the night with Steel. It’s already February, and in my heart I thought I’d find him before Valentine’s Day. But that’s this week, and now in my heart is heavy with the fact that it’s not going to happen.
I still look at my tattoo in the mirror every day, picturing what it will be like to show Steel. And what his reaction will be.
My Googling still hasn’t gotten me very far, despite the number of hours I’ve spent searching the internet. But I have a new plan. A plan that will solve three of my problems at once — my over-protective parents, the snitty snits of this town and, most of all, finding Steel.
I’m going to apply for a job at the carnival. I found a website that’s exclusively for carnival jobs. And I’m going to apply for all the ones in the Carolinas. Then I’ll figure out which one is Steel’s, and join it.
I’ve sent emails to all of the ones I could find already, but I said I was looking for Steel instead of looking for a job. Not a single one responded to me.
My mind's made up. I am running away to join the carnival.
“Here you go, Emily,” Barbara says, passing me my coffee to go. I haven’t had it to stay since I got my tattoo.
“Thanks.”
“I’m still praying for your family.”
Barbara still says that, every Saturday without fail. I’ve never acknowledged her comment. Because her comment doesn’t acknowledge me.
Without regret, I turn and open the door to the main street in town. Or rather, the only non-residential street in town. I take a step out, hoping I don’t run into any other gossipers.
“Goldie,” Steel’s deep voice coats my skin in goose bumps and makes my heart starts pounding at ninety miles an hour.
I turn around to find him walking up behind me, his Hollywood smile beaming at me. My heart melts at his sight, and my entire body starts buzzing.
“You came back for me,” I say, my face beaming.
“Course I did.” My heart leaps at his words.
“Listen, we can’t really talk on the street, all the town busybodies are out.”
“Sure.” Steel makes a grunting noise. He probably thinks I’m crazy, but he doesn’t understand what it’s lik
e. Or maybe, he doesn’t care what anyone thinks and thinks I’m being silly.
But I have to be careful, no one can think we’re together. Otherwise my dad will be on my ass before I knew what hit me. And lord knows what he’d do to Steel.
He follows me to my car, and I make him get in the backseat and lie down.
As I hop into my car, I glance in the backseat. Steel’s face beams up at me from his position lying curled up in the backseat. Good thing he had the foresight to put his legs behind the driver’s seat so we can talk.
“Stay down so no one can see you. Do you have any idea how much shit I’ve been through because of that night? My parents locked me in my room when they found out. That’s why I didn’t come back to see you the next night, I couldn’t.”
“You didn’t?” He heaves a sigh of relief. “My boss got pissed off and made me leave that day, so I wasn’t there that night. I’ve been worrying all this time about you thinking I skipped town on you.”
My eyes widen at his words. I’m so relieved he didn’t think I bailed on him.
I want him in the front seat, but can’t risk it in town. I start driving and head out down one of the country lanes. When we’re a little ways out of town, I pull the car to the side of the road.
“You can come up here now,” I say.
“About time,” Steel says, climbing into the front passenger seat.
As he’s doing up his seatbelt, our eyes catch and we freeze. Our faces are inches apart and neither one of us moves. My insides melt and explode at the same time. I still can’t believe he came back for me.
“You’re even more beautiful than I’ve been fantasizing about,” he says.
“You’ve been fantasizing about me?”
“Only every second I’ve been out of this town.” The comment makes me burst with joy.
“I might be guilty of that too.”
“Yeah, I’d be fantasizing about myself if I was you, too,” he says with a broad smile.
Carny: A Bad Boy Small Town Romance Page 6
