by Simon Brett
‘Well, some people, not for the first time, were wrong.’
Jude thought she must make one more attempt to fulfil her brief from the SPCS Action Committee. ‘From what you said earlier, Josie, you don’t seem to have much sentimental attachment to Fethering …?’
‘I’m glad I made my attitude clear.’
‘Is there any particular reason for your disillusionment?’
‘Other than the fact that the place is full of stuck-up bitches?’
‘Yes, I admit the village does have its fair share. But, putting that on one side—’
‘Fairly hard to put on one side, given that it’s the predominant feature of the place.’
‘Yes, but on the other hand—’
‘Jude, I have run Polly’s Cake Shop and I have lived in this flat for over ten years. I have smiled winsomely at the stuck-up bitches of Fethering as I have served them endless pots of tea and cinnamon toast and éclairs. And have any of them ever shown any interest in becoming friends with me? That was in fact a rhetorical question. Not one. In all the time I’ve been here, I have not been invited to a single person’s house. So why should I feel any sentimental attachment to this breeding ground of snobbery?’
‘And you think that’s the reason why you’ve been kind of … socially excluded? Because the stuck-up bitches regard someone who runs a café as their inferior? Like you’re “trade”? Well, I know this village is old-fashioned, but I can assure you that there are a lot of people in Fethering who don’t—’
‘It’s not to do with my being “trade”. Or at least, it’s only partly that. No, the reason why I’m, as you put it, “socially excluded” is pure, old-fashioned anti-Semitism.’
Jude was knocked sideways by that; the last thing she’d expected to hear. It hadn’t occurred to her that Josie Achter was Jewish.
‘Oh, it’s very subtle in a place like this,’ the café owner went on. ‘No overt discrimination, no shattered windows, no spray-painting on the walls; just a genteel assumption that just being a Gentile puts you in a superior position to anyone Jewish.’
‘Since I’ve been in Fethering I haven’t been aware of any—’
‘No, I’m sure you haven’t, and that’s because you’re not Jewish. You don’t hear the sniggers and the mumblings about the “chosen race” and “buckles”.’
‘Sorry?’
‘Rhyming slang. “Buckle my shoe – Jew.” Haven’t you heard it?’
‘No.’
‘You would have done if you were Jewish,’ said Josie bitterly. ‘Well, I’ve had to put up with that all my life. I thought maybe I’d put it behind me when I “married out”, but no, my bastard ex-husband turned out to have his own private brand of anti-Semitism.
‘And it’s not just me who’s suffered. Rosalie, my daughter, has had to put up with the same thing over the years. In her teens she joined the local tennis club and the Fethering Yacht Club – she used to be quite handy in boats. But I had to take her out of both clubs because of the way she was insulted there.’
‘Are you sure you weren’t—?’
‘If you’re about to say: am I sure I was not being hypersensitive – no, I was not!’
Jude, who had been about to say something on those lines, kept quiet as Josie Achter continued, ‘This country, England, so proud of its human-rights record, the diversity of its population, is still riddled with anti-Semitism. And it’s at its worst in a “nice, middle-class” area like Fethering.
‘So no, I don’t feel any sentimental attraction to the place. When I sell up, I’m going to move to Hove, where at least there is a substantial Jewish community, where we can gather together for self-protection.
‘I don’t know the precise reason for you setting up this meeting, Jude, but if it was in the hope that I might be ready to co-operate with your precious “action committee”, forget it. Also, don’t attempt to contact me again. If you ask to see me, I will refuse to see you. And, since everyone in this place has already categorized me as the hard-bitten grasping Jewess, then I’m going to live up to that stereotype. My only concern about Polly’s Cake Shop is that I sell it as soon as I can and that I get as much money for it as is humanly possible. I have no interest in what happens to the place after I move out.’
SEVEN
Carole was back at High Tor that Friday evening. Gaby had been checked over at the hospital in every possible way and passed as going through a normal pregnancy. But the sudden summons from Stephen, and the stay in Fulham, had unsettled her mother-in-law. They had reminded her of the potential perils of childbirth, and Carole knew she would not relax again (even to the small extent that she ever did) until the baby had safely arrived.
Jude was spending the weekend leading healing workshops at a Wellbeing Festival in Hastings so, apart from a quick handover of Gulliver on the Friday evening, the two women did not spend much time together. Though Carole was aware that Jude had attended the SPCS Action Committee on the Wednesday, she did not know that her neighbour had ended up being voted on to it. Nor that she had been delegated to talk to Josie Achter.
And because of the strict client confidentiality rules that Jude imposed on herself, she had not mentioned to Carole anything about Sara Courtney’s real – or perhaps hallucinatory – sighting of a dead body at Polly’s Cake Shop.
The second meeting of the SPCS Action Committee at Hiawatha, a fortnight after the first, was a smaller affair because only those who had been voted on were invited. Phoebe Braithwaite, who hadn’t been elected (her husband had been worried about opening himself up to charges of nepotism – or perhaps uxorism), lurked in the kitchen. The door was half open, so that she could in fact hear all of the committee’s proceedings – but more importantly be instantly ready when the Commodore demanded she produce refreshments for the assembled company.
There was one man sitting at the table who wasn’t a committee member, but from the way the Chair venerated him, it was clear that Quintus Braithwaite was very proud of his new social acquisition.
The man was around fifty, toned and tanned, as if he knew how to look after himself. He wore a blue linen suit over a coral-coloured open-necked shirt. On his wrist was a chunky gold watch, which even Jude, who had no interest in such things, could recognize to be very expensive.
Quintus Braithwaite hurried through the necessary early business – Item 1: Apologies (England must surely be the only country in the world where all meetings start with apologies) and Item 2: Signing the Minutes of the Last Meeting. Then, unable to contain himself any longer, he announced: ‘I would now like to introduce to you—’
‘On a point of order, Mr Chairman …’ The interruption came, inevitably, from Arnold Bloom.
‘Yes?’ said the Commodore testily.
‘According to the Agenda which was circulated to members – with great efficiency, may I say, by our secretary Wendy Roote – the next item after the signature of the minutes – “Item 3” – is not introducing an outsider to our committee. It is “Matters Arising”, meaning “Matters Arising from the Minutes of the Last Meeting”.’
‘I know what “Matters Arising” means, thank you, Arnold, but I think possibly the gentleman I am about to introduce has more relevance to the work of this committee than any pettifogging adherence to the order of the meeting’s Agenda.’
‘I’m sorry, Mr Chairman, but if you are describing me as “pettifogging”, I must ask you to withdraw the remark.’
‘I’m not describing you as “pettifogging”, I am describing the meeting’s processes as “pettifogging”.’
‘But,’ Arnold persisted, ‘we members of the committee represent the processes of this committee, and to describe those processes as “pettifogging” is tantamount to describing us as “pettifogging”.’
Commodore Quintus Braithwaite had never had a very long fuse, and Arnold Bloom’s arguments were shortening it by the minute. ‘Oh, for God’s sake!’ he burst out.
But the voice of reason that interrupted him ca
me from an unlikely source, the man in the blue linen suit whom he was so keen to introduce. ‘Listen,’ he said, ‘the last thing I want to do is to disrupt the normal business of your committee. Quintus, why don’t you go through the rest of the Agenda items in the normal way and then introduce me at the end?’
‘Well, because I …’ But the Commodore could recognize he was being offered a lifeline, and took it. ‘Very well.’ He looked down at the Agenda. ‘I’ll introduce you when we get to “Item 8 – Fundraising”. That would be appropriate.’
‘Sounds fine by me,’ said the man in the blue linen suit.
Arnold Bloom sat back comfortably into his Hiawatha armchair, another small victory registered.
Quintus Braithwaite rather grudgingly then went through Items 3 to 8. There were no ‘Matters Arising’ from the reading of the Minutes which would not be covered under future Agenda items. ‘Item 4’ was a subject which Arnold Bloom had managed to shoehorn in – ‘Location of Future Meetings’. This was a continuation of the discussion he had initiated at the previous meeting – whether the SPCS Action Committee should continue to meet at Hiawatha or in some other venue. Without actually saying that the Chair might benefit too much from home advantage and some of the weaker committee members might be over-impressed by his lifestyle and hospitality, Arnold did make a strong case for other meeting places to be considered.
Eventually, in the traditional cop-out favoured by all committees, it was decided to appoint a subcommittee to investigate alternative venues.
‘Item 5’ was ‘Publicity and Profile’. Lesley Tarquin immediately produced an iPad mini, to the consternation of some of the older committee members who were still using paper notebooks. ‘Well, I assessed the local publicity outlets,’ she said. ‘I’ve talked to Vince at the Fethering Observer and he’s virtually given me carte blanche to put in as much stuff about the SPCS Action Committee as we want to. We’ve left it that I just send him press releases and he’ll print them verbatim. I’ve contacted the West Sussex Gazette and Sussex Life, though the latter’s a monthly lifestyle magazine and might not be right for us. I’ve also followed up on local radio and I’ve got Jezza from FOAM FM virtually eating out of my hand. I’ve emailed Will at Radio Solent and Flick at Radios Surrey and Sussex, but haven’t heard back yet. Same goes for Barry at South Today and Fizz at Meridian. And obviously I’ve been busy on Facebook and Twitter.’
‘Obviously,’ said Quintus Braithwaite, as if he knew what the hell she was talking about.
‘That’s it so far,’ said Lesley Tarquin, ‘but I have made a start.’
There was an impressed silence. Publicity was an area in which all local Fethering societies fell down. However much effort there was put into organizing events, most of them failed because no one knew they were on. To hear someone talking about media outlets with the confidence and professionalism of Lesley Tarquin was unfamiliar to most of those present that evening at Hiawatha.
‘Well,’ said the Commodore, choosing his words carefully. He was very impressed by Lesley – and also rather attracted to her – but he couldn’t quite keep the patronizing tone out of his voice as he continued, ‘You’ve done frightfully well and I’m sure when your contacts are joined up with those I have built up over the years through the Naval Club and Fethering Yacht Club, we could be looking at an excellent media profile for the SPCS Action Committee.’
Lesley Tarquin smiled her satisfaction at this endorsement.
‘Anything else you want to add?’ asked the Chair.
‘No. Not at the moment.’
‘Good. Splendid work, Lesley. And we move on to “Item 6” on our Agenda …’ He glanced down at his papers with disapproval. ‘It says “Possible Alternative Uses for Polly’s Cake Shop”. I personally feel that discussion of this kind of thing is premature. We need to get the funding and ownership of the property sorted before we get into this kind of detail. In fact, I’m quite surprised you put it on the Agenda, Wendy.’
But the Secretary wasn’t about to stand for public criticism of that kind. ‘It was agreed at the last meeting that any elected committee member could put forward items for the Agenda.’
‘Yes, but you should have checked it with me first,’ came the testy response. ‘I could have told you that this was not relevant.’
‘You’ve had the papers for nearly a week,’ Wendy Roote defended herself stoutly. ‘If you wanted to raise any objection, you had plenty of time to—’
‘Well, all right I didn’t. But I’m objecting now. We don’t have any ownership rights – or indeed any other rights – yet in Polly’s Cake Shop, so discussing “Alternative Uses” for it would seem to me to be a complete waste of—’
‘No, it’s not. It’s very necessary. It’s very important that everyone on the committee is sharing the same mind-set.’ The interrupter, perhaps inevitably, was Flora Claire. Jude felt pretty sure that she was the one who had infiltrated ‘Item 6’ on to the Agenda as she went on, ‘I’ve been talking to various like-minded friends in Fethering during the last couple of weeks, and there’s a strong feeling amongst them that—’
‘I don’t think you should be discussing committee business with your friends,’ the Commodore objected through clenched teeth. ‘Even “like-minded” ones. It’s important – particularly at our planning stage – that we maintain confidentiality about our plans.’
‘But it’s an issue of great relevance to the people of Fethering, and my friends are all people of Fethering, so I believe that their views are valuable. And there is a general view in the village that we have a great opportunity here, not just to maintain Polly’s Cake Shop as it is, but to broaden the scope of its activities away from the crassly commercial to something more spiritual.’
‘“Spiritual”?’ echoed Quintus Braithwaite despairingly.
‘Yes. Fethering is a place of great spirituality. There have been many independently accredited incidents of paranormal activity in the area – especially in the village of Clapham. And ley lines travel directly from Stonehenge – or “Stone Hinge”, as it should be called, because it acts as a hinge from which the sun, moon and planets are suspended – right through the centre of Fedborough, which is just up the river from Fethering. Also a lot of psychic phenomena have been recorded in the Chanctonbury Ring area and …’
The Commodore tried to cut off this flow of psychobabble, but once again Flora was shown to have a surprising amount of support in the room. Jude kept quiet. She knew that a lot of people in Fethering thought her healing work was at least as bonkers as the stuff Flora was going on about.
It was a good twenty minutes before the Chair managed to end the discussion about Fethering’s ‘spirituality’, and then he only did it by conceding that ‘Possible Alternative Uses for Polly’s Cake Shop’ should appear as an item on the next meeting’s Agenda.
He moved on with some relief to ‘Item 7: Response from Current Owner of Polly’s Cake Shop’.
This didn’t take long. It’s was Jude’s cue to report, and she did so very succinctly, relaying the news that Josie Achter’s only interest in her business was how much money she could get for it. And, as for ‘Community Spirit’, she didn’t have any.
Now, finally, Quintus Braithwaite was able to produce his prize exhibit. ‘Right, now we come to “Item 8: Fundraising” – and I don’t think even you can now object, Arnold’ – he smiled viciously at his opponent – ‘if I introduce a very important guest.’
He paused for effect, but unfortunately allowed long enough for Arnold Bloom to voice his dissent. ‘Well, I think the principle of introducing non-members to a committee meeting without consultation is something that goes against the rules by which this sort of democratic organization should be—’
But the Chair had had enough. Riding roughshod over Arnold, he continued, ‘I am very honoured to welcome here Kent Warboys, who is very much a local boy made good. We have met,’ he said with some pride, ‘through Fethering Yacht Club, of which we are both members
, and I’m sure a lot of you present here tonight will know of Kent and his work.
‘But for those of you who don’t, I should tell you that Kent was brought up right here in Fethering. He attended the local comprehensive school but, in spite of that, still managed to train as an architect. And there are many fine buildings and developments in the Fethering area which are a tribute to Kent’s distinctive style.
‘In recent years he has moved away from the, as it were, “hands-on” business of architecture towards the bigger challenge of overseeing major construction projects.’
Again Quintus Braithwaite made the mistake of leaving too long a pause. Arnold Bloom came straight in with: ‘You mean he’s a property developer?’
‘I wouldn’t say that, no.’ The Chair was well aware that such a description in a place like Fethering was tantamount to an insult. ‘I mean, Kent is very aware of both heritage and harmony with the landscape. He’s … um, he’s …’
Quintus was in danger of losing it, so the subject of his speech came in to rescue him (and himself).
‘If I may speak a little on my own behalf …’ Kent Warboys’ voice, though cultured, had a reassuring undercurrent of local Sussex in it. ‘For want of a better description, yes I am a “property developer”, but this doesn’t necessarily make me the bogie man of the popular press. As Quintus said, my concerns in the work I do are heritage and harmony with the landscape.
‘Now those of us down here are fortunate to live in one of the most beautiful parts of England – as a proud Sussex man I’d even say one of the most beautiful parts of the world. I’ve grown up with that beauty and the last thing I want to do is to spoil it in any way. Projects I’ve worked on recently – the Smalting Lifeboat Centre and the Clincham Haymarket Gallery—’ the mention of these names drew appreciative murmurs from his audience – ‘have, I’m glad to say, received very favourable responses and indeed won a few awards for the way they have married contemporary facilities with traditional design.
‘You see, I’ve now got to the stage of my life when, looking back on all the benefits that living in this beautiful area has given me, I’m asking myself: What can I do to pay back some of that good fortune? In what way can I use my skills to give something to the Fethering community? And developing Polly’s Cake Shop as a Community Amenity is exactly the sort of project that I think could answer my need. I am proposing that my company, Warboys Heritage Construction, should buy Polly’s Cake Shop.’
