by Trudy Stiles
“What are you hoping?” she asks me with a deep look of concern on her face.
“I’d like to meet them. I’m just hoping you can help make that happen.” I don’t know if this is selfish of me to ask this, but I feel like if I met Emily and her family, it might help me find the closure that I need.
“You want to meet them? The Finnegans?” she asks and I quickly nod my head in agreement.
“Okay, I’ll make it happen. As soon as we get home, I’ll email Carly and ask her.”
I’m suddenly worried that a call from Tabby will cause the Finnegans to worry about my intentions. “That would be great. But please let them know that I just want to meet them, and that I don’t have any ulterior motives.”
“Of course,” she says and grabs my hand. “I know that you have good reason for wanting to meet them, and I’m going to do everything I can to make it happen. I’m going to help you through this as best as I can.” She throws herself against my chest again and nuzzles into my neck.
“I never stopped loving you, Alex,” she whispers.
My chest clenches and I squeeze her tight against me, folding her into my side. “Say it again, please?” I beg her.
“I love you,” she says loud enough so I can hear her. “Thank you for still loving me after everything I’ve put you through.”
“I love you, too, Tabs.”
What matters is right here, right now. We’ll get over the past, in time.
We hold onto each other for what seems like hours. She eventually falls into a deep, exhausted sleep. I scoop her up and carry her into the room where Sara is, placing her in the other double bed. After tucking her in, I look over at Sara who is peacefully sleeping.
Her sweet innocent face looks so serene, and she seems to be smiling in her sleep. I hope that she’s dreaming about her mother and what a wonderful life she is about to begin.
Present
Age 24
Dear Tabitha,
(Dictated by Sara, Age 4)
Nona Marta told me all about you today. I can’t believe that I have a ‘real’ Mommy! Nona told me that I look just like you. I looked in the mirror at my face and I tried to picture what you look like today. But it’s hard to. Do you have a big smile? Nona says that I have the biggest and prettiest smile in the world.
I’m sad that I never met you before, but Nona says that I will meet you someday. I really hope it’s soon.
Nona wants me to tell you that I love Disney princesses! Especially Ariel. She’s my favorite.
Okay. Bye!
Sara
A picture of a four-year-old Sara, smiling and hugging an almost life sized Ariel doll, falls onto my lap. The same doll now stands in her room here in my apartment. I wipe the tears streaming down my cheeks and have no words to describe the feelings that I have right now. This letter is one of many in a large bundle that sits on my nightstand. The package arrived with all of Sara’s belongings, and when Kirsten gave it to me, she detailed the explicit instructions that came with it. I’m to open one letter at a time and not read them all in one sitting.
Marta had Sara write letters to me, starting when she was four years old. Apparently, that’s the age that Sara started asking questions about me, wanting to know more. Marta thought that this would be a way for Sara to connect with me, even though I wasn’t there. I’m completely overcome by my emotions as I think about all of the letters that I wrote to Sara when I was held prisoner by Tony.
I place the picture and letter on my bed next to me and burrow my face into my pillow. My sobs turn to wails as I realize the intentions of Marta’s act. She wants me to live through all of the special moments that I missed, all through Sara’s own words. Had she been planning to give her back to me all along? Was she just waiting for Tony to die to make that happen? She clearly put a lot of thought into this, and it shows me that she really did try to keep my memory alive with my daughter.
It truly astonishes me that, after all that Marta went through and put me through, she worked so hard at giving Sara this foundation. Marta was never my enemy in Portland, but she certainly wasn’t an ally. I can’t fault her for her shortcomings, honestly. I know exactly what it’s like to be abused. She lived through it for countless years at the hand of her husband. I don’t think she taught Tony to be the way that he was, but it’s obvious he learned by example. His father beat Marta into being the woman that she became. I begin to feel bad about the way that I treated her when I saw her, knowing that she might only have a few more days left on this earth.
I need to talk to her. I need to thank her. I need to tell her that I forgive her. These letters are proof that she meant well. She overcame her own abuse in a way, and Sara’s presence in her life seemed to have helped. This doesn’t excuse her behavior, but I can now almost understand why. The letters from Sara are proof that she intended for Sara to meet me someday. I don’t have to like her or everything that she did to me, but I respect what she attempted to do with Sara.
I wipe the snot running down my face, and pick up my phone to call her.
“Constantino residence,” a soft voice answers.
“Hi, it’s Tabitha Fletcher. Listen, I know Marta’s probably resting, but I really need to speak with her. Even if she’s not up to it, just please, put the phone next to her ear,” I beg the voice on the other end of the phone.
She’s silent for a few moments, and then says with a shaky voice, “I’m so sorry, Miss Fletcher, but Marta passed away this morning.”
Oh no! I thought she had more time. It’s only been a few days since we left. I’m suddenly feeling horrible guilt over how I left things with her, and now, I won’t have the opportunity to finish thanking her for this incredible gift that she just gave me.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “Thank you.” I end the call, and pick up the smiling picture of Sara. Her face is so innocent and pure, and I don’t want that to come crashing down around her. I make the decision that I can’t tell her just yet. I need some time to process Marta’s death and decide how I’m going to tell Sara.
When we got home on Sunday, Kirsten practically jumped on me, anxious to tell me everything that happened while I was gone. After giving me the package with Marta’s instructions for the letters, she told me about the delivery of Sara’s belongings. Apparently, a large moving van showed up on Saturday followed by several cars and trucks. An entire decorating team descended on my tiny apartment, completely transforming my spare room into Sara’s new princess cottage. Pink exploded in her room, and apparently, Disney did, too. It’s a stunning masterpiece and her reaction to it was priceless. This may not feel like home to her yet, but these little things will certainly help her get there.
The decorating SWAT team placed a few other additions around my apartment. On my desk sits a brand new Mac desktop computer, along with two iPads and two MacBook Pros. According to Kirsten, Marta instructed them to make sure that Sara has the latest technology and gadgets to support her education.
And speaking of education, she will attend a private elementary school here, tuition paid in full. One of several trust funds due her when she comes of age will fund high school and college. My life suddenly feels small and meager when compared to the opulence that Sara is used to living with.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled I don’t have to scrimp for her future education, but I’d rather not have it already mapped out. I want her to live and experience new things that help drive her to make her own future choices. I don’t want to make them all for her. I’ll let the elementary school decision slide, because I really do like the school that Marta chose for her, but the rest of her life is going to have to take its own twists and turns.
In addition to my apartment, the SWAT team also went to the bookstore. They transformed a small portion into a children’s creative space for kids to hang out, read books, and create art.
I’m not sure how Kirsten feels about this, but I love it. I also think it will be good for business, but Kirsten rarely cares about the financial
side of the store. She is so not profit focused, it’s unreal. Her love of books outweighs her desire to earn money. She’s been like this for as long as I’ve known her and I secretly wonder if she has a trust fund or something that helps pay her bills because the bookstore certainly doesn’t pull in enough to do that.
A few moments after the toilet flushes, Sara walks into the living room, a sleepy smile on her face. I still can’t get over how happy she always is.
“Hi Tabitha,” she says.
I hope she’s too sleepy to notice if my face is swollen and streaked from my tears.
“Good morning. You can call me Tabby if you want. Most of my very close friends call me that.” I really want her to call me Mommy, but that will take time. We have all of the time in the world now. I still need to learn how to be a mother, because right now, I feel like I’m babysitting Dottie’s daughter, Caitlin.
“What would you like for breakfast?” I ask, and proceed to give her options. A fully stocked refrigerator and pantry also surprised me when we arrived home.
“Waffles and strawberries, please.” She walks over to the dinette and sits. “Can I call Nona to see how she’s doing?” she asks.
What am I going to do? How do I tell her that she can’t call Marta because she’s dead? I think on my feet for the moment. “It’s a three hour time difference, so it’s only five in the morning in Portland right now.” I hope this technical detail diverts her for the time being. I’m not ready to tell her.
“So, is it like yesterday? Or are we in the future?” she asks.
This question makes me chuckle. “Let’s pretend we’re in the future,” I say with a smile on my face.
“That’s fun! I can tell her what happened and what’s going to happen with her,” she muses.
My chest pulls suddenly as I think that Marta is now gone. She no longer has a future.
“Waffles and strawberries coming right up,” I quickly say as I push Marta’s image from my head.
While I make breakfast, I run through all of the ways that I can tell Sara about Marta. I’m upset with myself for wanting to hide this from her. It isn’t fair and I need to make sure that I do it right.
“When can I meet Caitlin?” Sara asks, interrupting my mental volleyball match.
“Today if you want,” I answer her. “I’ll call Dottie after breakfast and set it up.”
This will give me some time to think and prepare for the inevitable conversation.
I sit at the table across from Sara and begin to scoop fresh strawberries onto our plates. “Do you know that strawberries happen to be my favorite fruit?” I ask her.
“It’s mine, too,” she says smiling.
I squirt whipped cream onto her waffle, and she sticks her finger into it, brings it to her mouth, and cleans off every last drop. “Mmmm, how did you know that I love whipped cream on my waffles?” she asks.
“Doesn’t everyone?” I reply as I scoop some onto my fingertip and touch her nose.
She giggles and digs into her waffles, finishing them all. I get my first glimpse of her serious expression when she asks, “Why didn’t you come find me sooner?”
I inhale deeply, not expecting this question. What do I say to her? How can I possibly tell her that her dead grandmother kept her from me for all of these years? That her monster of a father stole her from me and tried to kill me? I rub my sweaty hands on my legs. “I would have come sooner, but,” and I pause, “she didn’t know where I was or how to find me.” This is somewhat truthful since it did take a private detective to actually find me.
“Were you hiding?” she asks curiously.
Well, yes, I was, but I can’t tell her that. “I didn’t know that anyone was looking for me.” I need to give her answers that she can understand and accept, but this is so incredibly difficult for me.
“Sara, this is really hard to explain, and you may be a little too young to understand what I’m about to say. I never wanted to leave you, but I had to go. I was young and I didn’t know how to be a mother. I was afraid and wanted to make sure that you were raised in a good home. I thought that I was doing the right thing, and I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there to see you grow into the princess that you have become. I thought about you every single day, hoping and praying that we’d be together again.” I pause and fight tears. I need to stay strong and not show her how upset I am over what has happened. “Maybe someday you’ll be able to understand all of the reasons why I had to leave. But you need to know that I always loved you and still do.” I hope this explanation is enough, because I can’t be any more explicit with her about what really happened. I hate Tony more than anything, but it’s not fair right now for me to paint a picture of a horrid monster to his daughter. She never saw him the way that I did.
“Okay,” she says quietly and looks down at her plate. I can tell that she doesn’t understand. “Are you going to leave me again?” she asks as she sticks her fork into her last strawberry.
My heart clenches, and I feel sick to my stomach. I want to scream and yell ‘NO’. Of course, I won’t leave her ever again. I won’t ever leave her. But, I’m afraid to speak these words, knowing full well that they could be a lie. Trina told me that she would never leave me, and then she died. How do I assure this precious little girl that she’ll never be alone?
“Honey, I never want to leave you ever again,” I state simply and grab her hand. Her little fingers squeeze mine back and she smiles.
“Good, I’m glad,” she says as she swallows the last of her food.
“So, how about a play date with Caitlin?” I ask her.
“Yay!” she answers as she skips away from the table. “Can I bring Ariel?”
“Of course,” I answer as I pick up the phone to make arrangements with Dottie. I’ve been friends with Dottie since I came back to Philly years ago. She’s been my other rock next to Kirsten and I’m thankful for her presence in my life. Her daughter is such a great little girl, and I know that she and Caitlin are going to be life long friends.
I decide while Sara is on her play date, I need to talk to Kirsten about something very important. Like NOW.
~
I spend an hour with Sara at Dottie’s house. While I’m perfectly comfortable with Sara spending time with Dottie and Caitlin, I need to see for myself that she’s going to be okay without me there. After I’m fully satisfied, I leave to meet Kirsten at her apartment.
“What’s so urgent that it couldn’t wait until later?” she asks, curious about why I demanded to see her right away.
“Kirsten, Marta’s dead,” I whisper and sit down on her couch.
“Oh no,” she says, grabbing my hand. “Does Sara know yet?”
“No, and I’m afraid to tell her.” I need to make sure that what happened to me when I was seven never happens to Sara. “I need you to agree to something,” I say to her.
“What? Anything.”
“I want you to be Sara’s guardian should anything happen to me,” I blurt out and feel faint.
She’s silent for a moment and covers her face with her hands. I can tell that she’s overcome with emotion over my request. Finally she says, “You’re kidding me, right?” She blinks back tears and reaches for my hands.
“I’m dead serious. It would absolutely kill me if Sara wound up in the system like I did. She has no other family, and well, you’re my family. Please, say yes. I need you to say yes,” I beg her as my eyes fill with tears.
“Oh, honey. Of course I’ll do it. Anything for you and that precious girl,” she says as she pulls me into an embrace. “I promise I’ll do it.”
Relief floods through me when I realize that Sara will have a family if I’m gone. I love Kirsten like a sister, and she’ll be a wonderful influence on her life.
“Of course, I don’t plan to go anywhere anytime soon, but I need to know that I’ve got this covered. Trina didn’t and look what happened to me.”
Kirsten pulls me tighter against her. “You’re perfect, Tabby. I k
now your life was very difficult, but you wouldn’t be the same person you are today if you didn’t experience what you did while growing up. You have an appreciation for things that most people just take for granted. You’re something special, you know that? I love you, girl,” she says into my ear.
“Thanks,” I say softly while pulling away. “I’ll contact someone this week to draw up the official paperwork.”
“My uncle is a lawyer. He can handle it for us. Easy peasy,” she says, smiling.
“Now I need to figure out how I’m going to tell Sara that Marta is dead. I’m dreading this,” I say as I shake my head.
“The right words will come to you, honey. It’s not going to be easy, but you need to do this. Please, don’t put it off. She deserves to know.”
Kirsten is absolutely right.
A pit forms in my stomach. I need to get home and tell her that her Nona is dead.
Present
Age 24
I PULL into the beach town that Tabby and I spent time in many years ago. It seems so long ago but I remember it like it was just yesterday. My heart swells with hope that we can find that love again.
I’m in Spring Lake, New Jersey. The Finnegan’s home town.
Tabby emailed Carly and told her all about me. She arranged for us to meet, and now I’m scared to death. What do I say? How do I act? Are they going to judge me? What do they even know about me? I wish that Tabby could be here with me, but she’s dealing with so many things with Sara right now that I understand completely why she can’t. It’s probably best that I do this on my own, anyway.
I step out of my car, walking toward the sandwich shop where Carly suggested we meet. My hands begin to tingle and get clammy, sweaty. Shit, why am I doing this again?
Tabby has given me a brief history and background on Kyle and Carly. They are both teachers. Carly teaches at the local high school while Kyle is a professor at a private university. They were unable to conceive a child of their own, and after many infertility treatments, they decided on adoption. Tabby picked them because she immediately felt a connection to them. She was drawn to their warmth and kindness. She felt that they would be able to give Emily the best life possible. It was an easy decision, according to Tabby, and now I’m about to find out why.
