by Liz Durano
Mom and I don’t talk as we watch them walk back to the car where Dad is sitting in the back seat with Piper. He gets out as they approach and they talk for a few moments before Addison gets into the passenger seat and Jordan gets behind the wheel. As they drive away, I look away, my vision clouded by my tears.
It hits me all of a sudden, the stupidity of it all, the hiding, the lying. And for what?
“I’m so sorry for messing up Christmas, Mom,” I wail. “Jory’s right. I should have known better.”
Mom wipes the tears from my cheeks. “I don’t know about Jordan being right about you and Campbell knowing better. Besides, you two have always gotten along great together. Ever since you were kids.”
“You’re not angry? Disappointed?”
“Why would I be? You and Campbell are adults. He’s always been protective of you and I always thought it was cute,” she says. “So things change. Do you like him, at least?”
“Mom, I slept with him, didn’t I?”
She chuckles as she pulls away, wiping away my tears with her fingers. “That’s not really an answer, Cait, but you don’t have to answer right now.”
I start crying in earnest again. “I just ruined a friendship, Mom. He’s always been like a brother to Jory and look what just happened! Now he’s upset.”
“Jordan may be upset right now but I’m sure he’ll also realize that you and Campbell are two consenting adults.” She pushes a lock of hair behind my ear. “And that his baby sister is all grown up.”
“Aren’t you even upset?”
She smiles. “Oh, honey, you and Campbell are like two peas in a pod, and honestly, your dad and I have always wondered what was taking you two so long.”
Twelve
The man in front of me drums his fingernails against the table between us. He’s older now, graying at the temples, with wrinkles lining his forehead and the corners of his eyes. Funny how much I yearned for this moment ever since he abandoned us thirteen years ago only to almost miss his call because I thought it was work, a local number I didn’t recognize.
When I finally answered the call, I almost fell off my chair and had to make my way to the living room to take it. Jordan knew better than to eavesdrop. He simply continued playing the game although when I started to get dressed, he was right there, wanting to know if everything was alright. I wish I could have told him but I didn’t know where to begin. I just wanted to know if it was real. It could have been the world’s cruelest joke.
And so here we are at the Midtown hotel he’s staying at. The bar’s closed and except for the two people behind the check-in desk, there’s no one else in the lobby. We could go up to his hotel room and talk but I also want something neutral. I’m on guard in front of my own father.
After all, it’s been twelve years since he left. Twelve years since he pretended he wasn’t married or had a son who kept wondering what the fuck he did wrong that his own father would simply desert him without even a letter? Mom and I lost everything because of him, even the house that I loved so much.
I take a deep breath. So why am I here? Is it because I want bygones to be bygones? Is it because I realized when looking at the tree that’s in my living room every night since Caitlin talked me into putting one up, that I’ve been holding on to my anger ever since he left us with nothing? Is it why I keep every woman at arms’ length, never letting them close for fear that I’d turn out like him?
He’d fallen in love with someone else, a woman he said was smarter than Mom, a fellow ad rep for the company he worked for. They’d been sleeping together for a year, all his excuses about needing to work late at the office nothing but lies. When she told him she wanted to set up her own ad agency, he went all in. That’s why he forged my mother’s signature and took out that second mortgage, giving his mistress every dime.
The divorce papers he served my mother almost broke her, the woman who made sure I had everything I needed even when she didn’t have enough for herself. After the O’Hallorans took me in, assuring me and my mother that no one was using the guest room anyway—and that Jordan and Caitlin had promised to behave for the rest of the year (Caitlin apparently promised to pick up after herself), it was a no-brainer. Jordan also needed someone to tutor him in Algebra so he’d graduate and that’s where I came in.
“Why are you here?” I finally ask, tired of seeing the past played out in my head. “What do you want?”
“I saw your picture in the papers last month and I wanted to stop by and tell you how proud I am of you.”
“Is that all you came into the city to tell me?” I don’t even ask him where he’s living now. I don’t care.
“I also want to apologize for what I did to you and your mother,” he continues. “I have no excuse.”
“I just need one reason. Just one.”
His gaze drifts around the empty lobby before settling on his hands. “I don’t know what to tell you, Campbell. I thought I was in love.”
“You had a family, Dad,” I say through gritted teeth. “Weren’t we enough for you?”
“I don’t know what I was thinking then, Campbell. I wish I could do things over again but what’s done is done and while I don’t expect you or your mother to forgive me. I... I just want you to know I’m very sorry.”
“What do you want me to do, Dad? Forgive you just because it’s Christmas? After twelve years of not even wishing me a happy birthday once. Hell, not even a Christmas card. Instead, you call me in the middle of the night asking to meet just so you can tell me something you could have easily said in a letter or a phone call so many years ago.”
“I’m sorry, Campbell.”
I look away, doing my best not to let my anger get the better of me. He’s not worth it, not after twelve years of pushing myself so hard just so I would never feel helpless again... or homeless for that matter. I ask myself why I haven’t gotten up from the chair and headed home. There’s no point going back to the O’Hallorans anyway, not when I know I won’t be good company for the next few days after this hell of a surprise. But I also can’t stay. I’ve seen him and he’s fine and that’s all I need to know. Sometimes it’s better not to draw things out, not when there’s really nothing left to say.
Jordan’s text message comes as no surprise the next morning. I knew it was coming. I’d prepared for it. I just don’t expect the sense of relief that hits me and it’s like a load that lifted off my shoulders. It doesn’t even matter that I’ve just lost the best thing that ever happened to me—my friendship with the O’Halloran family. I’m too numb to feel anything else.
Jordan: WTF???
Three letters. It wouldn’t have taken a rocket scientist to know that he’s heard about what happened between Caitlin and me. It wouldn’t have taken much for Caitlin to tell her family the truth, not that I’d have wanted her to keep up the pretense this long.
For as long as I’ve known her, she’s a terrible liar. Cute as a button but a terrible liar nonetheless.
I set my phone down on the bedside table and go back to sleep. After my meeting with Dad, I’d gone home and sat in front of the Christmas tree, a glass of scotch in my hand. It’s one of the habits I’ve acquired hanging out with the higher-ups who invite me to their private clubs to discuss business. They taught me the ways of Manhattan’s elite, introduced me to the models Marissa had seen me hanging out with on social media, and allowed me the opportunity to taste flavors of orange and cinnamon spice in a certain whiskey and how, with the addition of water (not ice), even a hint of chocolate. But I would have traded all that for waking up at the O’Halloran home with the family, handed out presents and opened them, laughing and joking like a real family. By the time I crawled into bed, the sun had begun to rise.
But now the doorbell is ringing and there’s no way I can go back to sleep. I get out of bed and make my way to the front door. I don’t need to look through the peephole to know who it is. Only one other person is on the list of people allowed to come up without need
ing to be buzzed in.
“What the hell, man? Is it true? You fucking slept with my sister?” Jordan exclaims the moment I open the door and he barges in. I know better than to stand in front of him, stepping aside as he storms inside carrying a paper shopping bag.
“If you’re asking me that question, then you know we did,” I reply, rubbing my eyes. “And no, I didn’t force her to do anything she didn’t want to do. It was consensual.”
He curses under his breath, pushing me against the wall. I can see his jaw clench. “I hope to God she isn’t just one of your side chicks because I’m going to kill you myself if that’s the case.”
I push Jordan away and he takes a step back. “I thought you’d know me better than that, man. I’d never do that to her and unless you’ve got something else to say, we’ve got nothing else to talk about.”
“Who ended it? This... this fling or whatever it is. She’s been beside herself since this morning.”
“She did. It was her idea for it to end it,” I reply, exhaling. “Satisfied? Because I’m done talking about this.”
Jordan sets down the paper shopping bags on the floor. “These are your presents, by the way. They were already in the truck when I heard about it.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
He exhales. “Look, Campbell, you’re like a brother to me... but my sister? Come on. Do you like her, at least?”
My anger flares. “What kind of question is that, Jordan? Of course, I like her. No way would I do such a thing to her.”
Jordan glares at me for a few moments before he takes another step back, exhaling. “Alright. Just checking.”
“Look, you can say whatever you want. Punch me if you want, hell, I don’t care. But it was over even before it started and I’m not going to push it. She wants to focus on her studies and if that’s what she wants, then I have to take a step back.” I lean my shoulder against the corner that juts out from the hallway to the living room. “I would never do anything to hurt her or your family. I had no intentions of playing around with her.”
Jordan’s brow furrows. “You really serious about that?”
“I’ve always respected Cait. You know that.”
“You do know she’s stubborn as hell, right? And that sometimes, she can’t make up her mind?”
I chuckle. “Of course, I knew that. I wouldn’t have expected any less from her.”
Jordan walks toward me, resting his hand on my shoulder. “Look, Campbell, you’re family. You’ve always been family and I just hope everything will work out for the best between the two of you. Hell, if any man can handle her, it’s you but I’m also not going to tell you what you should do. If you guys don’t work out, you and I will just have to cross that bridge when we get there. Right now, I have to accept that she’s all grown up and that you know what the hell you’re doing.” He takes a deep breath. “I also don’t want to lose both of you.”
As I look into Jordan’s eyes, I realize it must have taken a lot to say what he just said to me. But I also get it. He’s caught between a rock and a hard place, between protecting his sister from getting hurt from the man he’s known to date casually only because I could never open myself up to woman for fear that I’d turn out like my father.
And while he could have chosen to beat the crap out of me, I’m grateful he doesn’t do that. I’m too tired to fight back anyway, too emotionally spent after seeing my father again after so many years spent wishing he’d actually see me or, at least, call. Funny that when he finally did, all I wanted to do was leave. He’d become a stranger to me, a ghost from my past that I need to walk away from.
“Thanks, man.”
“You look like shit,” Jordan says as he pulls me in a brief hug, patting my shoulder when I pull away. “So, what happened last night? Who called? My folks called your mom and she’s fine.”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
Jordan’s eyes narrow for a few seconds before he gets it, his eyes widening in surprise. “Hell froze over?”
I nod. “Yeah, after twelve years. I guess something good actually came out of that article that had me listed as one of the top twenty analysts in the country last month. He thought he’d stop by to tell me how proud he was of me.”
Jordan snickers. “How convenient of him. What took him so long?”
I shrug. “Who knows?”
“Where is he now?”
“I don’t know and I don’t want to know.” I pause, frowning. “It’s sad that everything I did to get to where I am today was driven by that need to be appreciated and to be acknowledged by him. I carried his rejection of me so much that sometimes I couldn’t remember why I did things. Was it for me or him? And when that moment finally came, when he finally showed his face to tell me he was so proud of me, I didn’t feel any different. I didn’t feel satisfaction. I felt nothing. It’s probably how he felt about Mom and me when he left us. Nothing. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make me any different from him, does it? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
Jordan doesn’t say anything for a few moments. He studies my face, his eyes searching. “Cam, listen to me. Everything you’ve achieved, you did it because you knew what you wanted and you went after it. Your degree, your career... everything.” He pauses. “Still, just because you didn’t feel anything when you saw him again doesn’t make you just like him. You’re different. And you wanna know just how different you are from him?”
“How?”
“Never once have you forgotten what matters,” he says, tapping my chest with his knuckles. “Never once did you forget family.”
Thirteen
“I can’t believe you hid all this from me all this time.” Roxy glares at me from the foot of my bed. She’s stopped by the house to drop off her present only to get dragged up to my bedroom so I could pour my heart out to her. “I had a feeling you were hiding something from me but... but Campbell?”
“What’s wrong with Campbell?”
“Nothing! You know why I never paired him with anyone?”
“Because he canceled both times?”
Roxy rolls her eyes. “Because I could tell no one was good enough for him. That man makes six figures a year and he’s smart and gorgeous and kind. He also lives in Midtown which is a huge plus with all my nurse friends since the hospital is just Uptown.” She holds up her forearm. “I had a list of friends this long who wanted to be paired with him. But do you know what his real problem was?”
I shake my head. “He’s too busy?”
“He was never available for any one of my matches. Ever. I tried, Cait,” she says. “But do you know who he always had time for when it came to hanging out?”
“Jory?”
“You!” She exclaims. “He always made time for you.”
“He makes time for Jory more.”
“Jordan’s a guy so he doesn’t count. They do guy things together. They play video games or shoot hoops or whatever. They don’t go shopping at the holiday market all day or have drinks at some fancy schmancy place and then see a play.” She peers at me suspiciously. “Are you sure there’s nothing wrong with your guy-dar?”
“My what?”
“Your guy radar,” she replies as she finally sits on the bed. “Come on, Cait. Campbell has liked you forever. And you know why I know? Because he never made time for my two matches for him even when he told me he wasn’t seeing anyone at that time. He always had an excuse.”
“I’m sorry for your two friends.”
“That’s okay. They were never his type,” she says. “But you’re his type. That’s why he always makes time for you. Come on, Cait, he set up a Christmas tree in his apartment because you asked him to, for Pete’s sake. Any man who does that for a woman does it because he likes her.”
I blush, remembering the things we did in front of that tree. “I kinda figured that out after a while.”
“Anyway, admit it, Cait. You messed up. Big time. But I only do the matchma
king. I don’t do the stuff that comes after. Too complicated.”
I roll my eyes. “Thanks.”
“But you’ll figure it out. You got yourself into this mess without my help. You can get yourself out of it.” Roxy brings the rum-infused chocolate bar I’d given her for Christmas to her nose and inhales deeply. “Now that’s my kind of chocolate!”
Fifteen minutes later, Roxy leaves so she can get ready for her shift. As crazy as she can be, she’s right. I messed up—big time. And for what? Because I was afraid that if we did pursue the mutual attraction and it wouldn’t work out, that it would ruin his friendship with Jordan and our family? Am I that scared of taking a chance on something that has never felt so right? And even I have to admit, whether he’s Jordan’s best friend or not, Campbell has always been there for me for as long as I can remember, always supportive no matter what. And I trust him. There’s no other man I’ve ever felt comfortable with, whom I can be my geeky and nerdy self with but Campbell Murphy. Just because I never allowed myself to appreciate the grown up parts of him before that morning after the holiday party doesn’t mean I never did. I just never focused on it because he was my brother’s best friend. I didn’t want to mess anything up. I didn’t want to hurt anyone.
By the time I make it to Campbell’s apartment, it’s mid-afternoon. The city is blanketed with snow and there’s this happy feeling all over. But my happiness is clouded by doubt. What if he’s not home? What if he says no?
But there’s only one way to find out and that’s what I’m doing. If anything, at least, he gets to hear my apology.
With the doorman announcing my arrival to him in a phone call, Campbell is waiting at the door the moment I step out of the elevator. My breath quickens and my heart rate speeds up. The sight of him makes my stomach clench and the butterflies residing inside flutter to life. What kind of sorcery is this? I’ve been with other guys before but none of them have made me feel this way—at least, not all sensations happening at the same time.
