Madeline frowned and looked down. It was like that now. When anyone mentioned Leo, everyone looked away, too afraid to see what was coming. Leo had explained that to Emma one evening when they were planning his party.
“And how are you, Em?” Madeline asked.
“Me?” Emma said. “Okay.”
Madeline smiled sadly at her. “I wish Cooper was here.”
Emma stilled. Her first instinct was to brush that off, but her shoulders sagged. “Me, too,” she said. More than she could ever convey.
The door of the RV opened and Libby hopped in with a tray of finger foods.
“Where’s Trudi?” Madeline asked.
“She decided she needed something a little more substantial, so she’s making a sandwich.”
Madeline laughed. “That’s my Trudi.”
“Hey,” Libby said. “I need to tell you guys something.”
“God, no bad news, Libby! No drama, please! It’s my wedding day!” Madeline pleaded as she reached for a pita square from the tray.
“Nothing like that,” Libby scoffed. She was beaming, Emma noticed. An ear-to-ear grin. “I know it’s your day and all, but I can’t wait another minute.”
“For what?” Madeline cried, fearing the worst.
Emma knew. Actually, she’d guessed it quite a long time ago. “Libby . . . that’s fantastic.”
“What?” Madeline demanded.
“I’m pregnant!” Libby squealed.
Madeline gasped. And then she leapt up and threw her arms around Libby. Libby managed to keep the tray from spilling, and Emma grabbed it from her hand. Libby wrenched partially free of Madeline’s grip and grabbed Emma’s wrist, forcing her to stand and join them.
“Oh my God, I hate group hugs,” Emma complained. But she laughed when Libby threw her arm around her neck and pulled her in close.
It was a joyous day, Emma thought when they finally untangled from each other. When she could forget her own troubles, she felt truly joyous. She had never really experienced a day quite like this, because for once, she felt part of something bigger than her narrow world as Libby talked excitedly about her and Sam’s plans.
She looked at her sisters chattering about Libby’s news. So much had happened to them, and yet look at them—they were family now. One marrying, one expecting, one drifting, but okay, Emma was here, she was present. In a strange way, that asshole father of theirs had made this happen. Not that Emma believed for one moment that Grant had intended to bring them together when he’d left the ranch to them. What he’d meant to do was unload a bothersome property and say he gave his kids something. But in spite of his intentions, he’d given them each other.
Not only was she part of this family, Emma wanted to be part of it. It was such an odd feeling, to want to be part of something instead of apart from it. It was a rusty emotion in desperate need of oil and buffing, but that’s exactly what she was feeling. She still hadn’t learned to trust her instincts entirely, but so much had happened to her here. For the better. It was remarkable, really. Emma had some gaping holes in her—one in her heart she could drive a truck through—but maybe there was enough here to fill it. Maybe.
And it felt good. It felt as good and real as anything had felt since . . . well, since Cooper.
The sisters dressed for the wedding together, chatting about everything. The weather was so bad that when the guests began to arrive, the Kendricks had no choice but to let them gather in the house. Trudi reported that there were too many of them—so many that the house was quickly too hot.
Emma had braided a green ribbon into her hair, then had the stylist wrap it into an artful chignon. “Wow,” Libby said, nodding approvingly at Emma’s dress. “Trust me, that never looked so good on Mom.”
“You’re adorable,” Emma said, admiring the short blue dress Libby had worn with her very high heels.
“It’s not exactly right for the weather,” Libby said, staring down at her stockings. “But what are you going to do? Adorable? Or warm?”
“Adorable, every time,” Emma said.
Madeline was more than adorable—she was gorgeous in a pale cream silk that skimmed her body, and pearls woven into her black hair. “My God,” Emma said approvingly. “I can’t believe that’s you. You’re stunning.”
Madeline laughed. “I can’t believe it’s me, either,” she said nervously.
“Well I can,” said Trudi. “Come on. You can’t keep a guy like Luke waiting.”
In preparation for the exchange of vows, everyone was ushered out to the tent. Naturally, the guests wore big parkas and huddled together like a herd of penguins. Emma and Libby stayed behind with Madeline to hug her once more and wish her the best, and then they dashed out, too. Libby found Sam, and Emma ducked into a corner, out of view of most, but with a line of sight to the back porch. It was the place she normally took—on the fringe, as Cooper had said.
The pastor appeared wearing a down coat. Luke followed, choosing not to wear a coat and looking very handsome in his tux. Behind him, also dressed in a tux, Bob wheeled Leo to the door. Someone had tucked a blanket in around Leo, so only part of his tux was visible.
The musicians Madeline had hired had set up in the shed. It was not exactly convenient, but at least the music could be heard. A little, anyway.
When they began to play the processional, Trudi and Madeline came around the corner of the house, holding their hems, smashed together under the umbrella. It was such a comical entrance that the guests couldn’t help but laugh.
When Madeline stepped in under that arbor, she looked as radiantly happy as Emma had ever seen any bride. Everything about her glowed with love for Luke. And Luke? The expression on his face, the pure joy, the pure adoration, made Emma’s heart stop. She had to look away before tears of happiness for the couple and bigger, messier tears of regret began to slide from her eyes. Her gaze landed on Libby, who was standing next to Sam, her head on his shoulder, her hand on her belly, her grin irrepressible.
Good Lord, just put a dagger through her heart! It was wretchedly, selfishly painful to see such happiness brimming from her sisters. As Luke and Madeline expressed their vows to each other, Emma felt a growing emptiness inside her. She imagined herself as the clichéd chick-flick friend, the one who attends wedding after wedding and never has one of her own. But unlike a character in the movie, no Prince Charming was going to come around the corner and sweep her off her feet. Emma had made a point of removing herself from everyone and everything, so that now, in a moment like this, when she should be clinging to someone’s hand, she was utterly alone. As far removed from what Madeline and Libby had found here in Pine River as anyone could possibly be. It was a bit astonishing to understand on that bitterly cold afternoon that what Emma wanted was to be loved. That she ached to love someone.
Emma was crying. Dani smiled at her sweetly, and Emma knew Dani thought Emma was the type who bawled at weddings. Emma was so not that type. These were not tears of happiness. These were tears of deep regret.
After Madeline and Luke were pronounced husband and wife, the guests spilled back into the house, packing into it. Emma lingered behind, sneaking into the shed, trying to put her face back together again before the whole world saw the splotchy skin and knew she’d lost it. By the time she came in through the back door, there wasn’t air to breathe. People were in the living room, the tiny kitchen, the hallway, and in the back, Emma could see some of them had even taken up space in Bob’s room.
Dani Boxer had enlisted the aid of the Methodist Women’s Group to help serve the champagne and finger foods. There would be no sit-down dinner here—money was as tight as the space. Emma made her way to Madeline and Luke and congratulated them, and wiped a bit of perspiration from Madeline’s temple. Someone had opened the windows, so if one was unlucky enough to be standing next to one, it was freezing. Any deeper in, it was boiling.
Leo was in his chair in the living room, strapped in like a baby in a car seat. He was smiling, but he didn’t seem to be talking much. Emma debated escaping with him to his room, but this was Leo’s element. He would never consent to leaving the party.
Emma stood in a tiny space where the living room turned to hall, nursing her champagne, feeling the prickly heat on her nape, watching everyone celebrate Luke and Madeline. But as she stood there, that prickly feeling grew stronger, and she began to realize it wasn’t the heat. She felt as if she was being watched and glanced over her shoulder, into the kitchen.
Her heart stopped beating. And then began to race so desperately she could hardly hold on to her flute of champagne.
In his dark trim suit and black silk tie, Cooper smiled at her. Emma all but tossed the champagne onto a small table in the hall. She pushed past a beefy man and dipped under the arm Bob had braced against the kitchen doorframe as he chatted with Leo’s aunt. She emerged on the other side of Bob to stand just before Cooper, crammed into the small dining space between several other guests. “You came.”
He nodded and touched his knuckles to her face. “Are you okay?”
“No. No, I’m not okay. It’s so hot in here I might throw up.”
He smiled warily. “Please don’t throw up. Madeline would not be happy.”
Emma doubted anything could douse Madeline’s happiness tonight. “That’s not even it. I’m not . . . I’m lost.”
He didn’t say anything to that, just held her gaze.
“I didn’t think you’d been invited,” Emma said.
Cooper chuckled. “Luke invited me without authorization. I hadn’t planned to come, but then I heard about Leo and I worried.”
“I know,” she said, nodding adamantly. “Everyone wants to see him.”
“Yeah, I can imagine,” he said. “But I was worried about you, Emma. I know how much he means to you.”
What was that, wrapping around her heart? “You did?” she asked weakly. “After everything, you still worried about me?”
“After everything. Before everything. During everything.”
Emma closed her eyes and sighed with longing. That was possibly the kindest thing anyone had ever said to her. She opened her eyes to Cooper’s soft gaze. It was liquid silver. Molten kryptonite. Her mouth went dry. “Was your brother released?” she asked, searching for something to say.
He nodded. “He’s already gone. Took off a couple of days ago.”
She hardly noticed that she’d twined her fingers in his. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’ve known for a long time that Derek is never going to do the things that most people do. He is never going to change his ways. It’s too late for him.”
“That must be hard for you.”
He shrugged a little. “It was too late for him, but not for me. I’ve changed, Emma. Seeing Derek, hearing him—it made me realize that you do the same thing he does. And I realized I can’t make you change, either.”
Her racing heart began to slow with dread. “I know,” she admitted. “I’m hard and flinty, I get that.”
“Hard and what?” he asked when she dipped backward as two men edged into their space. They were moving, shifting out of that tiny dining area and back into the living room.
“Flinty,” she said.
Cooper shook his head. “I don’t know about that, but what I am trying to say is that I realized Derek uses disappointment as a crutch. He was disappointed in Dad, so he acted out. He doesn’t want to disappoint Mom, so he takes off. I didn’t fully get it until he actually said that. But you know what was so ironic? Those were almost the same words you used. He was so scared of disappointing Mom he couldn’t stay, he had to leave. He didn’t even try. And neither did you, Emma.”
All the warmth and happiness at seeing Cooper had now bled out of Emma. He hadn’t come here to forgive her, he’d come here to get things off his chest. Today, of all days. She glanced down, away from those eyes, and took a step backward to allow one of the Methodist ladies to pass into the kitchen with an empty tray. “I understand,” she said low.
“Derek doesn’t know what he is capable of if he doesn’t try.”
That brought her head up. “You’re right,” she said. “Same goes for me. But I want to try.”
Cooper looked as if he wanted to believe her. But he also looked skeptical.
This, Emma thought, was one of those famous make-or-break moments Leo liked to talk about in his analysis of the Broncos season. How many times had she heard him say it on Sunday afternoons? This is a make-or-break moment, Emma. Gotta make it here or hang it up—the game is over. Emma reached for Cooper’s hand and took it between both of hers. “Cooper Jessup, I think I love you.”
Cooper blinked with surprise.
“I know, I know, it surprised me, too. I have thought all this time that it wasn’t in me, that I was missing some gene that allowed me to feel that way. That I can’t do ordinary relationship things, like fall in love and yearn to touch someone.”
“Emma—”
“What, am I saying too much after all that’s happened? I’m sorry if I am, but if I don’t say it now, I never will. You . . . you don’t have to love me back.” If he didn’t, she would be completely crushed. “Actually, I’ll be surprised if you do, because I really am hard and flinty, Cooper. I know that I am. I’ve never been able to be one of the gang. I say the wrong things, and most of the time I’m okay with that. But you’re right—there is more to me than that. I really do care, even if I don’t look it. It took you to make me see it. And for that, I love you. For a lot of other stuff, too, but for that. And I have to say it. Before you go, I have to tell you what you are to me.”
“I don’t know what to say,” Cooper said. “I’m a little skeptical, to be honest.”
“Believe me, Cooper. I’m telling you the truth. Look,” she said, and suddenly dug out a necklace that she’d tucked into her bra. She held it out to him. On a long chain was the compass Leo had given her, and Cooper’s St. Christopher medal. She’d had Tag weld them both onto the chain so she could wear them always, keep the two men she loved, closest to her heart.
Cooper looked at it, confused. “A compass?”
“I got this from Leo,” she said. “He gave it to me. He told me—” How mortifying that the tears would come at this crucial moment. She’d turned into a regular waterworks display in the last week. Emma swiped at one that fell down her cheek now. “After you left, Leo said I needed to stop thinking about the past and find calm water so I can get to a safe shore. He gave this to me so I could find it. But Cooper, I was already there. My calm water was right here, with you,” she said, touching the St. Christopher. “It was here in Pine River and that stupid, useless ranch, and with sisters I never knew. And you? You are my safe shore! You know what I am, and you still care about me. You! A man who is handsome and smart and accomplished and stubborn and demanding—”
“Demanding?”
“In other words, you’re perfect,” she said earnestly. “You can look past the physical and see the person inside. You did it with Leo the first day you met him. You didn’t look at him like there was something wrong with him, you looked at him like you saw the person he was. You are without prejudice, Cooper Jessup, and you are everything I never believed I deserved in a man. You are everything any woman would want, and look, you’re standing here with me. And I . . . I love you for it.” She pressed her fist to her heart. “I love you,” she said again, her voice breaking. “So much.”
Cooper stared down at her, almost as if he was waiting for the but. Waiting, Emma supposed, for her to say he should leave now like she had so many times. She was overcome with emotion. It was as if some internal dam had burst, and all the hopes and desires she’d secreted away came spilling out, washing over this man who wouldn’t give in to the barrier she’d erected. Who waited
patiently until he could see over it. “And if you never love me, that’s okay,” she blurted. “You deserve real happiness. If that’s not me, I understand.”
Emma stopped there, before she managed to ruin her speech by saying something painfully truthful.
After a long moment, Cooper let out a breath of relief. He put his arms around her waist and drew her in. “Okay,” he said. “Okay. That’s what I’m talking about, Emma. You just made a giant leap forward in the quest to change the direction of your life. And if you’re serious, if you really want to put your life back on track, I’m here for you. And while you’re trying, you should know that I love you, too, Emma. I love the unordinary. I love hard and, what, flinty?” He laughed a little at that. “I love you.”
“Cooper, really?” She thought she could actually feel her heart swelling. “I promise, I swear to you I will try and be what you need.”
“I just need you to be you, Emma. Just you.” He picked her up to kiss her as he turned them in a slow circle.
Emma kissed him, and quite passionately, too. She heard the cheers, heard Luke shout Yes! But she didn’t realize that the shout was for her and Cooper until Bob put his hand on her back and said, “Knock it off. This ain’t the time for that.”
Emma lifted her head and laughed. She laughed as brightly and as fully as she’d ever laughed in her life. This was exactly the time for that. This was the time for shouting and singing and dancing and whatever it was people did when they were delirious and drunk on love.
With Cooper’s arm securely around her, Emma joined in the raucous toasts to the newly married couple, lifting her flute of champagne, smiling at Cooper when the wishes for a long and happy life were tossed out. She kept her hand in his as they inched around that crowded little house, mingling with other guests. He was there beside her when conversation became stilted and she didn’t know what to say, stepping into the conversation to save her. He was there beside her when Leo declared dancing was in order, and everyone tried to move in that tiny room, their laughter pealing over the strains of holiday music.
The Perfect Homecoming (Pine River) Page 29
