by Jade West
“My God,” I cry, but he shakes his head.
“Cam’s had his issues, but he’s okay. Me and Serena, we do everything we can to make sure he’s okay. He’s elective mute, but he’s getting better. Don’t let that put you off him. He’s a great kid. Really great. He just started speaking again, just a few days ago. It’s early days, but he’ll get there. He’ll be a regular kid by the time he starts school, I just know it.”
The picture is still between us. I stare at his son’s big brown eyes as my heart breaks.
“He’s beautiful,” I say.
“He is. And ours will be too.”
But it won’t be.
“You don’t understand,” I say, and the desperation in my tone finally cuts through. He stops. Listens.
I guess he finally gets it.
I’m sobbing and I can’t stop even as I say it.
“There were complications, at the hospital. The operation that saved my life went wrong. It left scars.”
I close my eyes, just to find the strength to say it aloud.
“I can’t have children, Leo, and I can’t… I can’t be around other people’s children either.”
Thirty-Four
The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
Ernest Hemingway
Phoenix
Oh fuck, how I’ve said the wrong fucking thing.
I feel like a fucking idiot as my black swan sobs in front of me. She crumples in my arms as I hold her tight.
I tell her it’s okay, that she can take her time with Cameron. No pressure. No worries.
I tell her she doesn’t need to worry about having kids now, that we’ll sort it out, that there are ways. Options. So many things to consider.
I tell her everything I can think of to walk us both back from this shitty abyss, but I don’t think I reach her.
“Fuck, Leo,” she says. “Look at you, looking after me. Like you haven’t been through more than enough of your own shit.”
“We get stronger at the broken places,” I tell her. “I did and you will too. Everything was in ashes when Mariana died, the business, Jake, Cameron. I knew I had to pick myself back up and keep on moving. We only lost one of the trucks in the fire, the one by the loading bay. The rest were intact. We had no insurance pay-out and our customers lost a fortune in the blaze, but I took those trucks and I set up again. I re-mortgaged the house and worked my ass off, even though it hurt, and slowly. Slowly.”
Her fingers are so soft against my cheek. “You’re amazing,” she says. “Truly. Cameron’s lucky to have you.”
“You’ll be okay,” I tell her. “You’ll be strong at the broken places just like I am.”
“I hope so,” she whispers.
And she will be. I know she will be.
I’ve seen the sparkle in her eyes, the fire in her belly. I’ve seen her work a crowd like she owns it. Owns me.
I squeeze her fingers tight in mine. “When I met you I was still running. Soulless. Her ghost was everywhere, and now it’s not. I didn’t even use my own name, couldn’t face the man I’d been before.”
She stares right at me. “Phoenix,” she says.
I smile. “Something like that.”
“It was your username online. Phoenix burning.”
I nod. “And I was still burning, until I met you.”
She takes a breath. “We’ll take it slow?”
“As slow as you like, as long as we’re moving.”
“And what about the kids? What if I can never…”
“We’ll worry about that when it comes up.”
I hold my breath.
I’m so fucking relieved when she smiles.
Her voice evens out when she speaks again. “I ran here and found nothing. You brought me back to life, and I found everything. I love my life here. I love it all.”
And I love you.
I don’t say it. Not now.
I’m well aware that dawn is shining through the curtains. Well aware that Cam will be waking up for his breakfast in an hour or so back at home.
“I need to go,” I tell her.
She nods. “You have a little boy to get back for.”
I kiss her forehead. “I don’t want to leave you.”
“I can’t come with you,” she says. “Not yet, anyway. He doesn’t even know who I am.”
And she’s right.
I know she’s right.
“I’m not gonna say anything stupid, Abigail. Now isn’t the time for grandiose declarations or mushy words, but I will tell you that monsters stay on your tail, always.”
She laughs. “Is that a threat?”
I smirk. “It’s a promise.” I get to my feet and pull her with me. “Maybe I’ll knock at the front door next time.”
“Maybe you should bring chocolate.” She wipes her eyes. “I’m clearly a hormonal wreck who needs it.”
“Or a beautiful woman who lost something very dear to her.”
Her eyes well up again. “Thanks. I’m grateful you can call me beautiful when I’ve been a snot monster for the past half hour. It must be the real deal.”
She’s joking, but I’m not.
I get dressed, even though it pains me. I’d give anything to fall asleep with her in my arms.
Maybe one day soon.
I take a look back up at her window as I leave. I watch the lights go out.
It’s dawn as I cross the road to my truck. I barely even think to check my jacket pocket for my phone, but when I do it’s there and flashing.
Five missed calls.
Serena.
Shit.
I call her back but there’s no answer. I call the landline and she doesn’t pick up.
On the third attempt, I leave a message on her mobile and tell her I’m on my way.
My foot is to the floor the entire way.
Abigail
He has a son. A beautiful little boy.
My belly flutters at the thought, but there’s no pain.
Not anymore.
I guess sometimes it’s the confession itself that provides the most solace. It’s by letting our demons free that we’re able to see they’re not really demons at all, just scared children hoping to be loved.
I know I can love Leo’s broken pieces. It’s a welcome surprise to find that I believe he can love mine, too.
I roll onto my side to watch the sunrise through the window.
Fuck, this is all moving so fast. Crazy fucking fast.
But it doesn’t feel crazy at all.
I wonder if he’ll like me, Cameron. I wonder if in time he’ll ever come to love me, if we even get that far. I hope so.
For the first time in forever, I wonder if there is really any hope in surgery. If maybe my scars can heal, just like Leo’s have. Just enough to function.
For the first time in forever, I think maybe there’s a chance.
I log into social media before I attempt sleep. It makes me smile to find the barbeque pictures have been uploaded.
I flick through the photos of my new friends, grinning at their laughter and their stupid drunk expressions once the party got wilder. I’m almost sad I missed it.
Almost.
I hitch my breath as I catch a picture from earlier in the afternoon. There we are, me and Leo, completely unaware of the camera, and smiling regardless. His hand is on my back, my cheek pressed to his collarbone, staring at each other, totally oblivious of the people standing by.
It’s perfect.
It’s us.
And damn, he looks damn fucking fine in a tux.
Goodbye cathedral backdrop.
A couple of clicks and I’m done. It’s official. We’re my phone lock screen.
I guess that means I’m going to be meeting Cameron for sure. I’m laughing even at the absurdity of my train of thought.
Too long a night, too many revelations. Too much cock.
No. Never too much cock.
My parents have a
lways been early risers. I guess that’s why my messenger pings when Mum shows online.
Are you up??
I type out a simple yes and hit send, and then I wait for it.
Who is the guy in the suit?
I take a breath. Ask myself if I’m really ready for this. Really, really ready.
I’m smiling as I call her number.
And I’m smiling even harder as I tell her about Leo Scott.
Phoenix
My heart is thumping wild. My throat dry all the way home.
My tyres screech as I pull into the driveway. I don’t even bother locking the truck.
I find Serena on the terrace. It takes me a moment to realise she’s smoking a cigarette.
She hasn’t smoked since she was a teenager.
“Was it–” I begin, but she doesn’t need the question.
“Jake,” she says. “I guess I wasn’t the only person who caught you skinny dipping with Miss Pretty in the swimming pool.”
The panic flares. “Cam, is he–”
“Cam’s fine,” she says. “Didn’t even wake up.”
I breathe. Allow my thumping heart to settle. And then I ask her what happened.
She stubs out her cigarette and takes out another. I realise it ended pretty badly if he left without his smokes.
“He was drunk,” she says, as though he was likely to be anything other. I tell her as much but she shakes her head. “This was different, Leo. He’s been drunk before, this was…”
“Really fucking drunk?”
She shoots me a glare. “Desperate. He’s really desperate. I’ve never seen him like this.”
“Desperate enough to do what exactly?”
She drops her eyes. “Fuck, I don’t know, Leo. He was spouting on, about you, about Mariana, about the goddamn paternity test. He said he’d given you an ultimatum. That your time is up.”
I shake my head. “There is no fucking time limit, Serena. I never agreed there would be. He’s not getting a paternity test, and he never has been.”
“He said you’re too busy cavorting with the new girl to take care of your own family mess.”
“He’s not my fucking family.” My voice is harsh. I regret it as soon as I’ve said it.
“We’re family, Leo. All of us. Don’t forget what he did for us. Don’t forget what we did for each other.”
“A long time ago,” I say, like it needs pointing out. “The guy’s off the rails. I’m calling my lawyer back on Monday morning. We’ll get the police involved.”
She stares into the distance as she takes a drag. “How the fuck did it come to all this?”
“Mariana,” I say, because it’s the truth.
That makes her smile. “I wonder if she’d be laughing, if she was still here.”
“Probably.” I lean over the railings with her. “I told Abigail about Cameron.”
“And?”
“And I think she’ll meet him. Not yet, but soon.”
She nods. “That’s good news. A step forward for some of us, at least.”
She holds out her arm. “He grabbed me. Hard. I had to hit him with the ashtray.” She points to the tray at her side. Chipped. I bet that fucking hurt.
“May have knocked some sense into him, you never know.”
“We can hope.” She sighs. “I think it’ll bruise. I’ll give a statement to the police if it’ll help keep him away from Cam.”
I raise an eyebrow. “You’ve changed your tune. What really went down here?”
“Nothing you need to worry about, trust me.”
I do trust her, but not about this. Not about Jake.
She stares at me. “I mean it, Leo. Nothing. He barged in, spouted a load of shit, said he was going upstairs to see Cam and I told him I’d call the police if he did. I went for the phone, he grabbed me, I hit him with an ashtray.”
“And then he left?”
“And then I called you and he went really ballistic. Charged upstairs before I could stop him.” She’s aged so much this past year, my sister. I notice fine lines around her eyes as she looks away. “I thought he was heading for Cam’s room, but it was shut when I followed him. I stood outside to guard his door and I called you three or four times straight.” She quirks her brow. “Guess you were busy, hey?”
“Talking,” I say. “We were talking.”
“Yeah, and the rest.”
I change the subject. “If you were outside Cameron’s door and Jake was upstairs, what the hell was he doing?”
She shrugs. “Your guess is as good as mine. You probably want to check your stuff, make sure nothing is missing.”
“He was in my room?”
“You know how fucked up he is. Mariana’s room.”
I could strangle the sonofabitch quite happily. Choke his drunken throat for all his bleating on.
“You’re sure he’s definitely gone now?”
Serena nods. “Drove back toward Malvern. I’d hear his truck a mile off.”
I kiss her cheek. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here. It won’t happen again.”
She laughs. “What? You planning never to see her again? I don’t think so, Leo.”
“No. I’m planning never to leave my phone in another room again.”
And planning to make sure that sack of shit doesn’t come within a fifty mile radius again, but I don’t point that out.
I head upstairs to check my boy. He’s sleeping soundly with his mouth wide open, catching flies. His spaceman PJs are getting too small. He’s turning into a proper grown up kid in front of my eyes.
I only have chance to venture into my bedroom for a few minutes before Cam wakes up for the day. I check my things but nothing looks amiss, until I see it. The missing picture of Mariana from my dresser. Piece of shit. I take a deep breath and count to ten, assuring myself that things could be a lot worse.
I only notice my laptop is on when the screen switches to sleep mode in front of me. I lift it from the bed and log back in, wondering what the holy fuck he was looking for.
It’s easy enough to figure it out. The browser screen is still on our banking homepage. I log in to find the sonofabitch has withdrawn five grand into his bank account.
I need that money to pay wages next week. I curse him under my fucking breath.
I’m still seething as Serena appears in the doorway, she shakes her head in horror when I show her the withdrawal listed.
“What the fuck does he want with five grand? You’re still paying him?”
“Same as always,” I tell her. “Plus his dividend payments.”
“You think he’s running away?”
No, I don’t. It doesn’t stop me hoping all the same.
“I don’t like this,” Serena whispers. “It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right at all.”
But nothing about Jake ever does. Hasn’t done since the fire. Maybe even before that.
“I’ll sort it,” I tell her. “I’ll get right onto the lawyer and the police on Monday morning. We’ll fix this. Try to get him the help he’ll need, if he’ll take it.”
She looks so sad it breaks my heart. “You’ll get him help?”
“I said I’d try.”
She nods. “Thanks, Leo.”
“Don’t thank me yet,” I say, but it makes no difference.
She’s still hugging me tight as our little champ wakes up. It makes my heart smile when he joins in too.
Thirty-Five
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.
Marianne Williamson
Abigail
I sleep into the afternoon. There’s a message waiting on my phone when I wake up.
Late dinner? I’ll knock this time. Court a little traditionalism.
It’s the best way to wake up.
Scrap that. Waking up next to him will be the best way to wake up. This is just a good runner up.
It feels weird to text back.
I’d like that. Bring c
hocolate. I’ll cook.
I’ve already sent it by the time I realise I have no idea what he likes to eat. Crap.
Luckily, I have some resources close by these days to help me. Sarah is watching TV with her hand in a big bag of Doritos when I call round there. I fill her in on my crisis and she springs into action.
“Italian,” she says. “Everyone likes Italian.”
I hope she’s right.
I’m pleased to have a companion as I venture out to the local shop. We pick the best ingredients we can muster and she talks me through the best way to prepare them.
“My grandma was married to an Italian,” she says.
“You’re part Italian?”
She shakes her head. “No, that was her first marriage. She had four.”
I laugh. “Go Sarah’s grandma.”
“Sour old bitch.” She giggles. “But she could cook.”
I only hope Grandma’s special recipe works a treat for me this evening.
I’m choosing what to wear when a familiar but unfamiliar ping sounds on my mobile. My fingers are shaking when I call it up.
Fuck.
My heart pounds even at the sight of his name. It’s in email form, but it’s there.
Phoenix Burning sent you a personal message. Reactivate your account?
How could I not?
A couple of clicks and I’m back in.
I’m grinning as I fire a message back to him.
So much for deleting my account. I played fair.
He replies in a beat.
Still want to meet the monster?
It makes me laugh out loud.
Always, I type back. I hope he bites.
I wait for another ping. It doesn’t take long.
You will be ready for me later. You will make sure the bottom door is unlocked.
I reply in a flash.
Is this before or after dinner? I’ve got to time the vegetables.
I hope he knows I’m joking.
Eight. Be ready.
So much for humour, but that doesn’t matter.
I’ll be ready, I say.
And I will be.
Phoenix
