by Jade West
Thirty-Seven
From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate.
Socrates
Abigail
There’s nowhere to run in this place. It’s completely enclosed. The only way out is back the way I came. Past Jake.
He knew it.
Of course he fucking knew it.
He’s playing with me.
I drop to my knees and tear my fingernails loosening that twine from my ankles.
I can’t get it from my wrists, but it’s better than nothing.
At least it means I can move without hobbling.
There’s barely any light to see by. I wonder if that will make it easier to hide instead of run, but I suspect Jake knows this place too well for that.
I can still hear him back there, lumping drums from his truck. The grind of wheels on tarmac.
I don’t even want to imagine what he’s doing. The guy’s fucking insane.
It’s so easy for my mind to play tricks on me out here. I’m prickled by nothing but the air, jumping as though Mariana’s ghost is out here with me, as though she’s calling me to join her.
I don’t want to join her.
It’s when the noises stop that I know I’m in trouble.
My breath quickens. The silence loud as I strain to hear him.
This game should be familiar but it’s not.
It’s anything but.
I back into the high fencing and stare at the warehouse. It’s big. Much bigger than I pictured.
I can only imagine the pyre it made when it was burning.
When Jake’s voice comes it chills me to the bone.
“Oh, Abigail… where are you Abigail? You love this game, right? Give me a clue so this can get exciting.”
I’d love to set fire to him my fucking self.
“I’ll make it feel good if you let it happen…”
I’ll never let it happen. He’d have to kill me first.
The most terrifying thing about the thought is that he might.
Leo, please. Where are you?
I scrap that train of thought as soon as it arises, and I guess it must be those silent tears getting the better of me.
I don’t want him to come here.
I don’t want him to walk into the path of this psychopath and his truck full of flammables.
The police is what I need.
A team of those elite snipers they use for overseas assassinations.
They could take him out from the fence before he even knew they were there.
I know I’m going insane when I laugh to myself.
I take a breath and force myself to get with the plot. I stare ahead at the warehouse and figure my best shot is the least expected one.
Straight through the building and out the other side.
I could be at his truck before he knows it. Maybe I’d head off Leo on the main road and send the fleet of police cars on up for Jake.
My plan is ridiculous and I know it, but it’s my best shot.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for this. I summon my breath as I prepare.
And then I see him. Oh fuck, I see him.
He looks fucking petrifying in the darkness.
My heart is pounding so loud I swear he’ll hear it if he comes any closer.
Which makes my decision for me.
Three, two, one and I run. Fast. Straight for the burnt-out building and whatever fucked up shit I find inside.
I have barely a headstart before he sees me, but I manage to make it inside before he slams into the back of me.
I’m screaming as he hoists me, lashing out with everything I’ve got as he holds me tight.
“Did you fight him like this?” he snarls. “I bet you fucking didn’t. This is what you wanted, remember? This is the shit that gets you off.”
My eyes are like saucers as he walks me on through an arch to a room beyond. The drums are stacked up everywhere. Liquid all over the floor.
Diesel.
No.
I realise how wet he is against my back. How much he stinks. Even worse than before.
“Neither one of us should’ve made it out of this fucking place,” Jake snarls. “If I’m gonna go and fucking join her, I’m taking him with me.”
“You’re insane!” I hiss and he laughs.
“And you’re the fucking bait, sweetheart. You know what my last request is?”
I don’t answer.
“Call it a last meal.”
But I don’t want to.
I don’t want any of it as he slams me down over one the barrels.
I’m crying as he hitches up my skirt. Sobbing with the bitter fucking irony as he tears my knickers off me.
“This is gonna fucking hurt,” he says.
Phoenix
I hope Serena hasn’t called the police.
The signs are good as I speed up the lane with my headlights off, both for there being no sirens and no flames either.
Last time this place caught alight it lit up the whole sky.
It means I’ve still got time.
My tyres screech against broken tarmac as I brake hard next to Jake’s truck.
I can smell the kerosene as soon as I step out.
Crazy sonofabitch.
I keep quiet as I take the same fateful fucking steps I took that night. My heart thumping just as it was back then.
The loading bay is empty, just as I expected. I step over the wreckage carefully. Quietly.
But he already knows I’m coming.
“So nice of you to fucking join us,” he shouts, and it’s game over.
“Let Abigail go now,” I bark. “I’m here, aren’t I?”
Oh how I fucking hate him as I approach the storeroom doorway.
My black swan is bound and trussed over a fucking barrel, her bare ass up in the air as my insane fucking cunt of a brother looks on.
“Don’t worry,” he laughs. “I didn’t fucking touch her. Just let her think I fucking would.” He waggles a finger in her face and she winces. “This will teach you to play with fucking monsters, won’t it? I hope you’ve learned your fucking lesson.”
“Let her go,” I say, and he smiles, points to a container at my side. It’s smaller than the others, already half empty.
“Show me you’re serious,” he says.
I can smell it everywhere already. The stench is already pooling under my feet.
“And you’ll let her go?”
“Yeah, I’ll let her go.”
In for a fucking penny. Abigail screams as I tip that chemical shit all over myself. It stinks so bad it catches in my throat.
“Wow. You really love her, don’t you?” Jake says, but I don’t grace him with an answer.
I breathe in relief as he yanks her to her feet and sets her off in my direction. She runs at me with too much force to hold her off, even as I’m soaking through.
“No,” I say. “Abigail, you’ve got to get out of here, don’t get this shit on you. Get into the truck and drive away.”
I tug the twine from her wrists as she shakes her head. Her eyes are streaming but open wide. “No.”
“Yes. Right fucking now.”
She’s trying to tell me something, but we don’t have time. She shrieks as I hoist her and dump her on the other side of the racking. She’s climbing back over even as I curse.
And Jake laughs.
He fucking laughs.
“Why do they love you so much?” he asks. “They’re all fucking crazy for you.”
“Maybe because I’m not a total fucking head case,” I tell him. “I don’t know what the fuck’s happened to you, Jake. What do you even fucking want from me?” I shrug. “Mariana’s fucking gone. Dead. It’s over.”
“Not for me, it’s not,” he hisses. “Phoenix. Fucking phoenix. There’s no fucking salvation for me, Leo, I’m still in the fucking ashes.”
“So you keep telling me, Jake. Christ. Set us on fire or stop fucking wallowing already, will you?”
“NO!” Abigail screams. “DON’T!”
But it’s alright.
Whatever happens, it’s gonna be alright.
I’m tired of dreaming of flames. Tired of hating myself at the thought that Jake’s right and I could’ve really saved her.
“Please go outside,” I tell her. “I need to talk to my brother.”
“I can’t leave you,” she sobs. “Please don’t make me leave.”
I sigh at the beautiful realisation that she’d burn for me, just as I’d burn for her.
If I ever get out of this fucking place, I’m gonna marry that girl tomorrow.
I tell her so and she smiles.
“Is that a threat?” she asks through the tears.
“It’s a fucking promise.”
And Jake slow claps. He slow claps and ruins the moment, just as he ruins fucking everything.
“This is how it should have been with Mariana and me,” he snarls. “I was gonna fucking marry her. Not as if you ever fucking did. Never came close to putting a ring on her finger.”
“She didn’t want one,” I tell him, and I’m not lying. “Said a ring was nothing more than an expensive shackle for the soul.”
He smiles. “Sounds like her.”
I lean in close to Abigail. My mouth is as close to her ear as I dare. “Did he hurt you?”
She shakes her head. “No. Kept threatening, but nothing.”
I kiss her forehead. “Wait for me, just outside that door.”
She looks back at it, at the warped metal all twisted and bitter. “That’s the one, isn’t it? The one you couldn’t get through?”
I nod. “That’s the one, but today it’s wide open. I just want to keep you out of the flames.
My eyes are dark on hers, I hope she sees me inside. I hope she sees that I’m sure.
“Just there,” she says and points. “I’ll be just there.”
“Good girl,” I say, and she is. She’s the very fucking best. Everything I ever wanted.
Oh, how fate is fucking laughing.
I breathe easy when she’s a little way away from all this shit. And then I step up to my brother.
“Good use of five grand, Jake. A lot of guys will go without their wages next week so you can burn us alive. I hope that makes you proud.”
He smiles. “You always were a funny fucker, Leo.”
“And you were always my fucking brother,” I tell him, and then I sigh. “If we’re both gonna burn in here tonight then I guess we should at least clear the air before we do.”
He stares at me with eyes like mine. So much like mine.
“You start,” he says.
I start with a truth I should have told him a long time ago. It feels surprisingly good to get it off my chest.
“She should’ve been yours. You were right. It was on the cards, you and her – was from the moment she saw you. I remember how loved up you were when you found the girl outside and dragged her into our office for that poxy interview.”
He smirks. “Had to drag her in, yeah. Claimed indoor work made her soul shrivel.”
“I know you loved her,” I tell him. “I know she loved you, too. What you had was more than I ever had with her. We were teeth and nails and crazy nights on the hills. You were steady. Kind. Exactly what she needed.”
He grunts. “You’re just fucking saying that to make me feel better.”
But I’m not. I shake my head. “Think what you want, Jake. It’s the truth.”
“Why did you take her from me, then?” he asks. “Why you and not me?”
“Because she had a darkness behind her eyes,” I admit. “She needed the chase. The hunt. The thrill. She needed it to feel alive, that’s what she told me.”
“I’d have given her a fucking thrill, Leo. Me.”
“Well, I guess I didn’t give you the chance. I regret that, but she was right there, too. She made that call along with me. Probably earlier than I did. That girl didn’t get swayed by anything other than the things she wanted, and you know it as well as I do.” I sigh. “I regret ever ending up with Mariana. I regret being the one who took a wild young girl and turned her into a bitter crazy woman. I regret being the one who pushed her far enough to lose her mind.” I pause. “But I don’t regret Cameron, and I don’t even care anymore whether he’s yours or mine. It wouldn’t make any difference. I’d love him all the same.”
His eyes flash with pain. “I love that fucking boy, too. You took him from me!”
I shake my head. “You think this is really anything to do with a fucking paternity test, Jake? You think I don’t know you were fucking her that whole fucking summer before she fell pregnant? I always knew there was a chance he might not be mine. I didn’t care, I loved him anyway.”
“Then why?!” he snarls. “Why fucking take him from me!”
I gesture around me. “Because you’re sick, Jake. You’re a fucking drunk with a death wish. Cameron doesn’t need your kind of fucking crazy in his life. His mother’s dead and he wets the bed at night. He’s barely spoken since she passed, and you know it. Why spring a load more shit on him? He’s taken enough already.”
I sigh again. “Seriously, Jake, if you want to burn this place, you’d better get on with it. Serena knows we’re here, she’ll call the police if she doesn’t hear from me soon. She won’t be able to stop herself.”
“Shut up,” he snarls.
“I’m ready,” I say. “I said my piece. I swear to God I did everything I could to pull Mariana out of here. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t curse myself for letting her go that night. There’s not a single day I don’t think about her and blame myself for what went wrong.” I take a breath. “You want to kill us both for that, then go ahead. I’m done.”
His voice is so low I barely hear him.
Just a grunt in the darkness as he drops himself to the floor.
“Go.”
I step closer. “Sorry?”
“Go,” he says again. “Go back to Cam. Tell Serena I love her.”
My heart fucking pounds. “What?”
“You heard me,” he says. “Get the fuck outta here.”
I know I’m as crazy as he is when I don’t move a muscle. “Wait,” I say, and I’m sneering. “You just made me dowse myself in fucking kerosene and follow you up here, just to tell me to leave?” I gawp at him. “You said this was my fault, Jake. That I’m the one who’s to blame.”
“Leo, please!” Abigail calls. “Please, let’s go!”
But I can’t.
Call me fucking insane but I fucking can’t.
Because my brother isn’t out to fucking kill me, and I know it. It’s not hate for me that’s in his eyes as he stares up at me, but hate for himself.
“Something happened, didn’t it? What happened, Jake? What triggered all this crazy? It wasn’t just not being able to see Cam, was it? There’s something else.”
He shrugs. “Just go, Leo.”
“Yes, Leo, please!” Abigail cries.
Jake smirks and gestures in her direction. “She’s a lively one. I wasn’t gonna fucking hurt her, Leo. You know that, right? Just wanted to shake her up. Wanted her to hate both of us.”
“Why?” The question is so obvious. “Why did you want her to hate me?”
“Because I wanted you to know what it feels like to love someone with all your fucking soul and not have them love you back!”
I smile. “Wow, Jake. That’s such bullshit. This thing with Mariana, it was you she wanted at the end, not me. She was seeing you the whole fucking time she was with me, you admitted it yourself! You think that’s what happens when someone loves you?! Mariana never loved me, if I’m honest I don’t think she ever really loved Cameron, either.” I can’t stop. Can’t hold back. I’m stinking with kerosene and still I’m fucking talking. “Mariana loved herself,” I say. “Herself more than anything else in the whole fucking world. Herself, and you.”
When my brother laughs it’s a terrible sound. It
cuts right through my fucking soul.
“She never loved me,” he says. “I lied.”
My stomach falls through the floor.
It takes me a long fucking moment to fathom it.
“You what?”
“I lied,” he admits. “I lied about fucking everything. I never fucked her, not even once. The boy is yours, undisputable.”
I’m reeling. Floundering as he stares up at me. “But why?”
“Because I wanted it to be true. I wanted you to think she loved me better. I wanted to believe it myself, so I wouldn’t have to face the fucking rest of it.”
I’ve not seen my brother cry since her funeral. I’ve never seen his eyes crumple into redness as he tries to find his words.
I ask him again, because I have to. I have to understand this fucking insanity.
“What changed?” I ask. “Something fucking changed, Jake. This isn’t right.”
And then the tears fall. Oh how they fall for him. Big sniffling sobs that choke his breath.
I give him a moment, cursing myself for my idiocy. I’m still cursing myself as he speaks.
“You really wanna know what changed, Leo? Really?”
“Really,” I say. “I have to fucking know what changed, Jake, or it’ll be just another fucking mystery on top of all the others. I’m done with unanswered questions. I’m done with guessing.”
He stares right at me, and the look in his eyes makes me question my decision. It’s fucking horrible.
“I got my fucking memory back,” he says.
My mouth drops open.
No. No fucking way.
I’m shaking my head even as he carries on, and already, in some deep part of me, I already know what’s coming.
“It was me,” he says. “I’m to blame for that night. I started the fire.”
I can’t stop shaking my head. “No.”
He nods. “It’s true.”
And it is. I see it in his eyes.
“I’m the one who killed Mariana, Leo. It was me.”
Thirty-Eight
Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t goin’ away.
Elvis Presley
Abigail
I can’t believe he’s still in there.
