by John Pearson
Later, when I walked by his desk, I saw that the crayon wrapper was on the floor, and Samsonite was using a naked crayon. Upon further observation, I noticed two things. One, Samsonite had purple flecks on his prominent two front teeth, and two, there was a groove running the entire circumference of the crayon. Now I’m no forensics scientist, but I would have bet anyone a thousand bucks at that moment that those teeth would have fit that groove perfectly.
CSI is about due for a new spin-off, right? Think it would fly, a TV show about a teacher who solves classroom crimes and misdemeanors? This summer, CBS brings you, CSI: DISD. “Who spilled this paste? YOU, with the mouth full of white stuff, come here!” “Who’s been using my blue markers? YOU, with the Smurf fingers, stop right there!” I would propose it to the networks, but they never did return my phone calls about my other idea, “Fifteen Minutes, or It’s Free” — the reality show where a camera crew follows pizza delivery guys around. I even had a really catchy theme song ready — “Pizza boy, pizza boy, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they don’t tip you?”
Later,
One eyed, one horned, flying purple crayon eater
Date: Thursday, April 1, 2004
To: Fred Bommerson
From: Jack Woodson
Subject: (April) Fools!
Hey buddy, Really, you preferred the distinct flavoring of periwinkle to any other color? I always had an affinity for burnt sienna, myself.
Happy April the first! Or as they say around here, “What’s that on your shirt?”
This morning, during my morning duty, I was bombarded with shouts of, “Mr. Woodson, you have a spider on your back!” and “Look, your pants are ripped!” Even though I did not fall for any of these — not even after the forty-second time — the kids always shouted, “April Fools!” with looks on their faces that suggested that I was the most gullible idiot on the planet.
As soon as the bell rang, the process began anew in my classroom. Miguel came in covering his eye and pretending to cry, but really he was laughing. Christy kept acting like she was going to pour water on my shoes. Twenty minutes into class, Carlos actually got out of his seat to tell me my pen was on the floor, when of course it was not. Tereelia said something and pointed, but, as usual, I couldn’t really understand what she said. Everything was punctuated by shouting “April Fools!”
So I played my own little joke. We did our Minute Math, and afterwards I had the kids turn their papers over. Usually, we do some extra practice problems on the back. This morning though, I told them that Ms. Forrest, the principal, had informed me that all third graders would have to pass a new test or else they would not be able to move on to the fourth grade. I assured them that it would be easy, though, only two questions that they had to answer. I wrote this up on the overhead:
1) 456,214 X 3,074 = ?
2) 38,612 ÷ 21 = ? As I finished writing the second problem, I calmly looked up and said, “Aaaaand, go.”
The looks on the kids’ faces were priceless. There was a mixture of shock and horror. Their eyes bulged, their mouths hung open. No doubt Plakton’s bowels started to run again. Just a little bit.
I let the silence hang for about ten seconds while I looked around the room, and then I yelled, “April Fools!” The kids jerked in their seats as if they had received an electrical shock. They had been so mesmerized by those two problems. Then they slowly started to smile and laugh, and I declared that that would be the end of all April Fools jokes for the day. And amazingly, it was. I wonder if Kelly did something similar over in her room, because 3F didn’t try to play any jokes at all in my class.
Were there any good pranks played at HPU this year? Not that we ever needed an arbitrary date on the calendar to play jokes on each other. I especially enjoyed pranking Larry. He always used to (and probably still does) leave his computer up and running when he went home. So one day (this was before you started working there), I sat down at his desk and typed out a short resignation email. I made it appear as if I had sent it out to all of the company bigwigs, but the only people it really got sent to were Ron Philby, Latya, and myself. About two minutes after I hit send, Philby came tearing out of his office, completely frazzled, wondering where Larry was. I had some fun playing ignorant before telling him it had been a joke. It was definitely a shining moment.
Then there was the time that “somebody” — who shall remain nameless — left a revealing document on the copy machine. It was on Heat Pumps letterhead and supposedly from Bert, the company president, regarding the forth-coming move to Arlington. A move that was of course pure BS. Larry was the one who found the memo and started spreading “The Arlington Rumor” around, though I’m sure “somebody” knew he’d be the one to find it. Planned it that way even, you might say.
I didn’t play any pranks on co-workers today. Unless you count telling Frank Swanson that I was going back to work at HPU. That almost got him to stop checking his stocks online for a full two seconds.
Let me know what’s going on on your end. I’m sure Tom Winter did something funny today.
Later,
Jester Jack
Date: Tuesday, April 6, 2004
To: Fred Bommerson
From: Jack Woodson
Subject: The Force is strong in this one
Hey buddy, Thanks for the hilarious update on what transpired there at the plant on April Fool’s Day. I love it! And really, if the head of manufacturing promises his people a steak dinner if they reach a certain goal, then yes, he SHOULD expect an email from [email protected] warning him of direct retribution. I’m sure you have NO idea who this “cow” might be??
On to today’s lesson. The topic in science was Force. Cue the heavy breathing and blaster fire. Makes me wonder if Darth Vader ever made any obscene phone calls. “Hello, Princess Leia... Who’s your daddy? That’s right, I am!”
But no, not the Force, as in Star Wars. Force, as in the basics of push and pull to move an object. I came up with what turned out to be a fun and effective demonstration for the kids. And legal, in at least 37 states!
I used Thomson in the morning class and Marvin in the afternoon as my assistants, and we explored the effects of force on an object. I did pretty nearly the exact same things in both classes, but I know how much you enjoy hearing about Marvin and his exploits, so I’ll tell you about his role in the experiment.
Marvin sits in the desk at the very center of the room, for reasons I’m sure I don’t have to go into again, so I knew everyone else would have a clear view of what we were doing. We started off with a single force on an object. I had Marvin push his desk forward a foot or so, showing that force can move an object. Then I put my left hand on the desk and told Marvin to keep pushing. At the same time, I said to the class, “Now let’s see what happens if somebody applies a force in the opposite direction at the same time.” The desk was not moving of course, so I playfully looked at Marvin and said, “Go ahead and push.” He squeaked, “I AM pushing!”
I wish I had a video of the event. Marvin started to break a sweat while I just stood there serenely, with my left hand on the front of his desk. The only thing that could have made it funnier would have been if I were eating a sandwich or shaving with the other hand.
While Marvin put his whole body into the pushing, I looked around the room and told the kids that an object will stay in place when the same force is applied on it from opposite directions. Then, the kicker. I said, “Sometimes, one force might be bigger than the other. When that happens, the object will move in the direction of the greater force. In this case, Marvin is pushing on the desk with one force, but now I’m going to push the other way with a bigger force.”
By this time, Marvin was standing at about a thirtydegree angle with respect to the floor, pushing with all his might. If I had taken my hand off of the desk, he probably would have knocked himself (and several teeth) out from the fall. So needless to say, I was tempted, however briefly. Instead, I put both hands on the desk and
pushed hard. The kids started laughing even harder, and even Marvin had to grin in surprise as both he and the desk slid backwards across the floor.
I had to be sure to tell Marvin to stop pushing before I stopped, so there were no children harmed during the experiment. We talked about what had happened and discussed a few other examples of force. Gravity, pulling a wagon, a car’s engine, etc. No van der Waals, sir, these are third-graders!
And that’s the story of how I taught the Force to my class. Tomorrow, we’ll work on blindfolded light-saber technique and hyperspace course plotting — which, despite what you may have heard, is not at all like dustin’ crops.
May the Force be with you,
Darth Grader
Date: Monday, April 12, 2004
To: Fred Bommerson
From: Jack Woodson
Subject: Fun with computers
Hey buddy, What are you saying, you WANT me to rant and rave? Of COURSE I’m upset that Duke lost last weekend to Uconn, but I’ve been trying to keep that out of my emails. If Nancy really wants to know how I feel, tell her to call me, and I’ll give her an earful.
At any rate, March Madness may be over, but we’re down to our Final Four in March Mathness. On one side, we have Tereelia and Rafael; on the other side, Esteban and Miguel. Sure, the stage has been set for a David vs. Goliath match-up, but you know what they say about “Any given Friday...”
Today was relatively uneventful except for something that happened at the very end of the day. This week, my class goes to computer class at the end of the day. When I went to pick the kids up a few minutes before 3 o’clock, several of them started calling out to me, saying that they had something to show me. “Listen to this, Mr. Woodson!” they cried. Juan was closest to me, so I looked over his shoulder and saw his name in large print on the monitor. He hit a key, and suddenly the computer speakers blasted forth a loud “JUAN!” They had been playing with a voice modulation program, and I began to hear computers all over the room shouting out names. “SALMA!” “VICTOR!” “SATAN!” (Sa’tun’s computer pronounced his name just like the lord of the underworld, and he didn’t look too pleased about that.)
Mr. Stillings, who teaches the computer class, started yelling for the kids to turn their speakers down. I heard a few more names, at lower volume, when suddenly a big booming computer voice proclaimed, with perfect enunciation, “FART KNOCKER!”
Immediately all heads in the room whipped around towards Esteban, who was sitting there with a look on his face that was half terrified, half defiant, and half disbelieving that the computer actually said what he had written (yeah, I teach math).
Have I ever told you that one of the hardest parts of my job is NOT laughing when the kids do something they’re not supposed to? Especially when it’s something that I totally would have done myself. I mean come on, if we had ever had voice synthesizers at HPU, I know for a fact that you, Tom Winter, and I would constantly have been using it to say funny (and almost certainly inappropriate) things! I can just see it now, programming Larry’s computer to start up every morning with the words “PUT DOWN THE JELLY DONUT!”
Latya and I actually did something close to that a few years back. One day when Larry was at lunch, Latya accessed his computer, pulled up Bert’s ID picture (they were all saved on the HPU intranet), and applied it as Larry’s background wallpaper. Larry, being somewhat computer illiterate, had no idea how to remove or change his wallpaper, so he tried to put a spin on it by telling everyone that he was proud to show his loyalty to the Big Boss. He added that he only wished that there were sound to go along with the picture. As you might imagine, my ears perked up at that, and I was only too happy to fulfill his wish.
That night, I called Bert’s direct line and recorded his phone greeting. I transferred that to my computer, saved it as an audio file, and brought it on disk to work the next morning. While Larry was at lunch, I copied the file into his computer, and then set that sound to play with EVERY action. Open windows, exit windows, minimize, maximize, start program, end program. And everything in between. When I was done, I turned his volume up all the way, and then shut his computer off.
When Larry returned from lunch, the rest of us were nonchalantly milling about his cubicle, yet somehow he didn’t get suspicious. He sat down at his desk, and we all held our breaths. Apparently, when Windows starts up, there are a lot of programs being opened, because Bert’s voice started booming non-stop. “This is Bert Parker with Heat Pumps Unlimited. This is Bert Parker with Heat Pumps Unlimited. This is Bert Parker with Heat Pumps Unlimited.” All at top volume.
We were rolling in the aisles. Even Paul came out of his office cracking up. I glanced over Larry’s wall and saw that he could hardly breathe, he was laughing so hard.
That’s sort of how it was for me today in the computer lab. I stood there for a few long seconds fighting the laughter, while my outward appearance was no doubt one of rising apoplexy (look it up). Finally, I managed to turn to Mr. Stillings and say, “Excuse me, I need to speak with Mrs. Jones.” I left the room and practically ran down the hall to the copy room where I doubled over with laughter and just let it all out.
Thank goodness it was the end of the day, because I don’t think I would have been able to teach at all after that. I’m still having giggle fits just writing this, hours after it happened.
Talk to you later,
Mike Rosoft
Date: Thursday, April 15, 2004
To: Fred Bommerson
From: Jack Woodson
Subject: Something chicken this way comes
Hey now, I said we would use the voice modulation program to say FUNNY things, not vulgarities. I doubt that even Philby is deserving of what you wrote. And I for one am relieved that Esteban’s four-letter-word-that-begins-with-F was “fart” and not the alternative. I’m just glad that we didn’t have to hear the computer’s interpretation of “shout the fouk up.”
And speaking of our pal Marvin and his own private Bizarro world...
Today we were working on probability. The kids were spinning a spinner and keeping a tally chart for the colors it landed on. I was walking around the class observing, and I heard Marvin saying something. He didn’t seem to be talking to anyone in particular, or maybe he was just throwing it out there for anyone who had ears. I had to actually listen to it a few times to believe what I was hearing. He kept saying, “I taste like chicken!”
I don’t know if this is some kind of family saying for him, or if it was just a perversion of an actual commercial catch phrase. You remember how Larry always used to walk into someone’s cubicle and ask, “Can you smell me now? Gooooood.”
At any rate, after about the fifth time, I finally yelled across the room, “Marvin, stop telling everyone you taste like chicken!” So if anyone HADN’T yet heard, they knew Marvin’s alleged flavoring after that. But at least he stopped saying it.
For some reason, this made me think of the old G. I. Joe cartoons I used to watch as a kid. At the end of every episode, they would have a little life lesson. Like some kids would be looking through their parents’ medicine cabinet, about to pop some pills, and one of the G. I. Joe guys would suddenly be there at the window saying, “You should never take any medication without adult supervision.” Then the kids would say, “Thanks! Now we know!” But I always wondered why the kids weren’t alarmed that this guy in military fatigues and combat boots was peering into their parents’ bathroom. It should have been G. I. Tom, a real American peeper.
Anyway, I kept thinking it would be great if someone in uniform walked through the door to say, “Son, you should never tell anyone that you taste like a bird. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. And wipe that fish stick out of your eyebrow!”
Talk to you later,
Breast Man
Date: Tuesday, April 20, 2004
To: Fred Bommerson
From: Jack Woodson
Subject: Aren’t you on TV?
Hey F, I have no doubt that y
ou are right on the money. If I ever do publish a set of memoirs, it will be 400 pages long, with one 350-page chapter entitled, “MARVIN.”
I’m not really a teacher; I just play one on TV. OK, maybe not. But I COULD be on TV, according to at least one of my kids.
Today we took a walk around the school to get a little exercise. Since we don’t have a playground anymore (due to construction), the kids don’t get a recess unless I take them outside. And, hot as it is, it’s sometimes good to get out of the classroom.
As we were out walking around, Tereelia asked me if I watched The Bachelor. You know that reality TV show where one lucky guy makes out with thirty women before rejecting all but one of them, proposing to that last one, and then breaking up with her before the show actually airs? Yep, that’s the one.
Tereelia told me that she thought I look like The Bachelor. I asked her, “Because we’re both tall white guys?” She nodded her head yes. She then added that I also resemble Keanau Reeves, Conan O’Brien, Peyton Manning, and all of the guys on Friends.
The current The Bachelor is a professional football player who plays backup QB for the New York Giants, and in all fairness to Tereelia, he and I DO share certain attributes beyond height and skin tone. We both have short, brown hair, and, um... two eyes... and a mouth. So I guess Tereelia was right! I should probably prepare myself for the onslaught of autograph seekers that is sure to arrive any minute now.
Has anyone ever told you that you look like someone famous? We used to make a few celebrity look-alike references back in the day at HPU. I know we thought Reggie looked like Agent Smith from the Matrix. Some people thought Dan Taft kind of looked like Jerry Seinfeld. Steve Potts definitely looks just like Lt. Dangle from Reno 911! Thank goodness he didn’t walk around in Daisy Duke shorts all the time — only on casual Fridays. And let’s not forget how Latya looks just like Brad Pitt. If Brad were two feet shorter. And Indian. And perfectly spherical.
