by Marisa Logan
And that my heart is true.
“I know it's no good,” he said, looking away and rubbing a hand through his hair. “I'm a horrible writer. But I just wanted you to know how I feel.”
I read the poem over a second time, unable to find any words. No one had ever written me a poem before. And while maybe it wasn't exactly Keats, it was really sweet, and it made my heart strum in my chest.
I looked up at him, smiling. My eyes felt a bit misty. I held the poem against my chest.
“Do you...like it?” he asked.
“Yes. Very much.”
I leaned forward and kissed him. Long and slow and sweet. The speech I'd been practicing vanished from my mind. I pulled him close, feeling his warmth, and letting my worries fade away as I was swept up by the kiss.
When we pulled apart he blushed, giving me a bashful smile. “So,” he said, laughing nervously. “I, uhh. I mean. I also wanted to ask. If maybe you'd like to have dinner with me one night soon.”
“I'd love to.”
There was a little voice in the back of my mind reminding me of all the reasons why I shouldn't have been getting involved with anyone right now. But Conner was just so sweet and adorable. I couldn't bear the thought of pushing him away or rejecting him. I didn't know how a relationship would work, or if it even could, but I felt the need to find out.
I kissed him again, then we took a long walk around the campus, hand in hand, enjoying each other's company and talking about what we'd like to do together. I forgot all about the Lyrical Alliance meeting for that day. I'd already read the only poem I needed to see.
* * *
Over the rest of the semester, Conner and I saw each other two or three times each week. Most of the time we got together on campus, either having a meal in the cafeteria, or finding a secluded corner somewhere to fool around.
Some nights, when Ariella was either at her after school art class or spending the evening at her grandfather's, he took me out to dinner or a movie. We ended up missing the ending of the latest Marvel movie when we spent half the film making out in the back row. I felt like a teenager again, though unlike my teenage years, this time I made sure to get on birth control.
By the time the end of the semester rolled around, I was pulling a C average in my chemistry class, and Conner was asking me when he'd get to meet my daughter. We sat in one of the student lounges talking about it one afternoon.
“I mean,” he said, “if you don't want me to, that's fine. I just figured since we've been going out for awhile, I'd like to meet her.”
I toyed with the straw in my drink, thinking it over. “I think I should talk to her about it first. I haven't exactly told her I'm dating someone. I mean, I'm pretty sure she knows, since I never used to stay out late. Not that she minds having some extra time killing alien marines or whatever it is at her grandfather's house.”
“Well, you let me know,” he said. “No pressure.”
When we finished studying for finals that night, I went to pick Ari up from her art class. On the way home I stopped to get us some water ices and we sat out at one of the picnic tables at Rita's so we could talk.
“So, kiddo,” I said. “I've got something to talk to you about.”
“Oh boy,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Here we go.”
“Hey! You make me feel like you don't like our mom/daughter talks.”
She sighed and stirred her water ice. “This isn't another sex thing, is it? Cause, eww.”
“No, it's not a sex thing.” I balked at the idea of her asking me about my sex life with Conner. Though I silently promised I would be open and honest, and explain to her about birth control. I just hoped we could avoid that talk for a few more years. At least until she was a teenager.
“So, what's up?” she asked in a bored tone.
“Well, I don't know if you know this, but I've sort of been seeing someone.”
“Yeah, Conner, right?”
I dropped my plastic spoon and stared at her. “Wh-what? How? Ari, how did you...?”
She giggled, a mischievous smile on her face. “Come on, Mom. You use the same password for everything.”
“Have you been reading my emails?” My eyes widened, and I made a mental note to delete a few text messages and pictures from my phone as soon as we got done here.
She shrugged. “Not really. Your emails are boring.”
“You wouldn't know that they're boring unless you've been reading them.”
She shrugged again. “So, do you like this guy?”
I was still reeling over the notion that my ten year old daughter had hacked my email. Not that Conner and I had sent anything illicit over email. He'd sent me a couple of poems and sappy love letters, and a few times he'd sent emails about our dates, like when we were going to the movies and it was easier to email me the list of show times than it was to call or text it. Though I silently prayed that she hadn't gotten into my cell phone. I wasn't ready to explain to her why a grown woman might feel the need to send her boyfriend pictures of herself doing...certain things.
“Yes, I like him. He's really sweet, and he treats me nice.”
She shrugged. “Cool. So do I get to meet him?”
“Do you want to?” I fiddled with my spoon, trying to figure out if she was being so casual about this because she just didn't care, or because she was in some kind of denial.
“Sure. Does he play video games?”
“I...I don't know.” I pursed my lips together in thought. Conner had never mentioned video games, but I wasn't a gamer, so I'd certainly never brought it up. He certainly seemed like the type, though.
“How about I invite him over for dinner one night?” I asked. “A real dinner. I'll cook.”
She gave me an uncertain look. “You're going to cook? Like, actually cook, not microwaving?”
“Yes.” I gave her an offended look. “I can cook.”
She snorted and shook her head. “Mom, the last time you cooked was french toast Christmas morning. And you burnt it.”
I pouted, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. “Well, I'll cook something else. Spaghetti. You like my spaghetti.”
She shrugged, tilting up her water ice cup to slurp up the slush in the bottom. I sighed, glad that she was so nonchalant about my dating life.
I'd been expecting more of a dramatic affair, possibly with denials of “He's not my father!” Though I wasn't sure if “father” was really part of Ari's vocabulary. She hadn't seen her father since she was in diapers, and the only contact she had with him was once or twice a year when he called her from jail. She never even talked about him, or asked me why he was in jail. I dreaded the day she found out her father was on the national sex offender's registry.
“Can we go home?” Ari asked.
“Yeah. Okay.”
I finished the rest of my water ice, earning myself a brain freeze for rushing. We headed home, I did a deep cleaning of my cell phone's picture gallery and text messages, then I texted Conner and invited him to dinner.
Then I changed my email password, just to be on the safe side.
Chapter 10
I'd been cooking for an hour by the time Conner showed up to meet Ari. The pasta was almost ready, but I'd forgotten the garlic bread. I was standing in the kitchen, reading the directions on the box, when the doorbell rang.
“Ari, please get that.” I read over the instructions a second time, remembering how badly I'd burned the garlic bread last time I'd made any. I couldn't imagine making something like this from scratch, considering how easily I messed up when using the premade kind from the freezer aisle.
The doorbell rang again while I was setting the garlic bread on a tray. “Ari, please. Get the door.”
“I'm in the middle of a boss fight!”
“So pause it!”
I heard her grumbling, then she came out of her room, still holding the wireless controller. She passed by the kitchen and to the front door, opened it, said, “Hey,” then headed straight back to her room.
/> Conner came in holding a bouquet of flowers. “Hey,” he said to Ari's back as she retreated into her room. He came into the kitchen just as I was closing the oven. “Hey, you.”
“Hi. Sorry it's such a mess. Dinner's almost ready.”
I took the flowers and gave him a kiss, then dug out an old collectible cup from Burger King that was big enough to use as a vase. I set the flowers in the middle of the table, then gave Conner a bigger, sweeter kiss as a thank you.
“Eww, gross,” Ari said as she came in, sans controller, and caught us kissing.
I pulled away from Conner, giggling and blushing. “I thought you were in a boss battle?”
“I died.” She scowled at me as if it were my fault.
“What game?” Conner asked.
“Arkham Origins,” Ari said. “Copperhead keeps kicking my ass.”
“Ari!” I snapped. “Language.”
She rolled her eyes at me and sat at the table.
“I haven't played Origins yet,” Conner said, sitting across from her. “But I loved Arkham City. Is it the same gameplay?”
“Pretty much,” Ari said. “Except they replaced the Freeze Blast with Glue Grenades, which is pretty retarded, but they do the same thing. And Riddler's called 'Enigma' for some reason.”
“Well, that's his origin in the comics,” Conner said.
I lost track of what they were talking about as they started nerding out over Batman stuff, most of which didn't make sense to me. But I was glad they'd found a common ground and were getting along so well.
I finished cooking while they were talking, then we sat down to enjoy a nice meal together. Conner asked Ari about school and her art classes. I was impressed that she actually talked to him, and her cell phone didn't even make an appearance during dinner, which was a rare treat.
After we finished eating, I got up to go to the bathroom. When I finished, I was about to step out when I overheard Ari and Conner talking about me.
“So, are you and my mom going to get married or something?” Ari asked.
I paused in the bathroom with the door open just a crack, straining to hear Conner's response.
“I don't know,” he said. “I don't think we're at that point yet. Most people date for a few years before they talk about marriage.”
“But like, if you did date long enough, would you marry her?”
Conner let out a nervous laugh. I pushed the door open a little further to listen in.
“Maybe,” Conner said. “I care about your mom a lot. I think we'd probably both want to finish school before we started talking about that kind of thing. But it's definitely possible.”
“Okay.”
“Would that be okay with you?” Conner asked. “I mean, it'd be a long time from now. But I'd hope you'd be okay with it.”
“I guess,” Ari said. She paused for a long moment. “Did you know my dad's in jail?”
“No. Your mom never mentioned him.”
“Here, I'll show you.”
I silently cursed, leaning a little further out the door to peek down the hall. I could only see Ari's back from where I stood, but I caught a glimpse of her pulling her phone out of her back pocket.
A moment later, Conner said, “Oh, damn. I had no idea.”
“Yeah,” Ari said. Then she lowered her voice to a whisper. “Don't tell Mom I told you. I don't think she knows that I know.”
I suppressed a groan and took a deep breath. I could only imagine that she'd shown him either her dad's profile in the national sex offender's database, or some kind of online news article about his sentencing. I had never realized she'd looked such things up, but I shouldn't have been surprised. She was practically a little hacker. Of course she would have Googled her dad at some point.
I waited a few moments, then flushed the toilet again with the door open so they'd hear it and know I was done in the bathroom. By the time I got back to the table, they were sitting there talking about video games again, hopefully with no idea that I'd been eavesdropping.
I started cleaning up the dishes. Ari got up from the table and asked Conner, “You want to play Gears?”
“Co-op or versus?” he asked.
“Pfft. I'm gonna kick your as—I mean, butt.”
“Bring it.” He grinned, then gave me a questioning look to see if it was okay. I smiled and nodded.
I joined them in Ari's room after I finished cleaning up, and I watched them shoot each other for a little while until all the blood on the screen started to bug me. Conner seemed to sense my discomfort, and after he lost the next match (I couldn't tell if he lost on purpose or if Ari was just that good), he set the controller down and said, “Thanks for the game. Is it cool if I go spend time with your mom now?”
“Yeah.” Ari shrugged, resetting the game to set it back to one-player mode. “I'll keep the door shut so you guys can make out or whatever.”
My face heated up and I gave my daughter a shocked look. She giggled at me, then turned her attention to her game.
“I'm glad you two are getting along,” I said after we left and shut Ari's door. “I was worried.”
“She's a cool kid,” he said. “And she seems way smart for her age.”
“Oh, I know,” I said. “Her teacher said they're thinking of skipping her ahead a year. And she's already reading at a college level.”
“That's pretty cool. I guess smarts run in the family, eh?”
“Yeah, right,” I said, smacking him lightly in the chest.
We put on some music and sat down on the couch together for awhile, though we didn't do anything since I wasn't comfortable fooling around with my boyfriend while my daughter was in the other room.
We talked for awhile, and while Conner didn't bring up the things he and Ari had talked about, I couldn't stop thinking about them. I was nowhere near ready to start talking about marriage or anything like that, but I couldn't stop wondering whether it was a possibility. Whether Conner would one day be ready and willing to become a part of our family.
I never wanted or expected him to take on a father's role with Ari. But I knew that if our relationship was ever going to have a future, that future would have to include him being a part of my daughter's life.
“You okay?” he asked me later in the night. “You seem a little distracted.”
“Just thinking,” I said.
“About what?”
I smirked and looked down at my lap. I wasn't ready to bring up such sensitive subjects yet. So I evaded the question by simply answering, “Just the future. How school's going to go. Whether I'll ever graduate, or even pass this chemistry final. What I want to do with my life after graduation.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I think about that a lot.”
“Do you know what you want?” I leaned my arm against the back of the couch, propping my head in my hand.
“Well,” he said, “I've definitely decided on studying astronomy. And after graduation, I don't know. Maybe if I do good enough I could get a job with NASA or something. Or maybe just become a college professor.”
I laughed, trying to imagine him in front of a classroom teaching students about the stars. When a hurt frown touched his lips, I reached out and patted his arm.
“Sorry. I was just thinking about how you've been teaching me chemistry all semester long. You do seem to have a knack for it.”
He shrugged, looking down at his feet. “What about you? Do you know what you want to do?”
I looked off into the distance, trying to figure out if I even had an answer to that question. “I don't know. I kind of like psychology, but I couldn't imagine becoming like, a therapist or something. And I guess I kind of like writing, but not enough to become an author.” I shrugged. “I guess I'll see what happens. I'll probably just end up somebody's secretary somewhere.”
“No way,” he said. “You can do a lot better.”
“You think?” My mouth twisted up in an uncertain smile.
“I'm positive.” He reached out
and caressed my cheek. “You're amazing. And I'm sure you're going to do amazing things.”
He kissed me, and I held him close, filled with thoughts of the future, and wonder about what it might bring.
Chapter 11
Things between Conner and I continued to go well as the semester ended and the summer wore on. I managed to survive chemistry class with a C-, which was good enough for me. My summer classes were a bit more intense, since they met four days a week in order to cram everything into half as long of a semester, but I kept up with it well enough.
I also got the opportunity to meet my nephew, Liam. Casey and I met at a park one nice summer day, without Jimmy knowing about it. I held my nephew in my lap and listened to his laughter. He was a beautiful child, and I immediately fell in love with him.
“I've been talking to Jimmy about you,” Casey said.
“How's that been going?”
“He was hesitant at first.” She reached out to Liam and he wrapped his little hand around her finger. “He's been holding on to a lot of anger for a long time. I told him I want to get the chance to know the rest of his family. And that I want our son to have a relationship with all of you.”
“How did he feel about that?” I still felt guilty about the bad blood between us. Jimmy and I hadn't spoken since the reading of Grandma's will. I could still hear the anger in his tone when he yelled at me about only coming to him when I needed money.
“Well,” she said, hesitating. I waited, giving her a pleading look. “He said that after six years now, he doesn't know if you and he can ever repair the problems between you. And that it would take a lot of work, maybe even family therapy. And he said he's not sure if he thinks it's worth the effort.”
I looked down into my lap, feeling like I'd just been slapped across the face. I'd known for a long time that Jimmy and I had problems that wouldn't be easy to solve. So did Amanda and I, for completely different reasons. But I'd always held out the hope that when enough time passed and the anger started to fade, we'd be able to make amends and put it all behind us.
I wasn't sure if I was just being naive, thinking that it would be so easy to forget about what had happened. Or if Jimmy was holding onto his anger because he didn't know how to cope with emotions the same way most people did.
