Another great triumph of the day was Libby finding the perfect bridesmaid’s dress for our wedding and I thought my mother was going to faint when seeing the price. Libby obviously had done her classic trick of not looking at the label before trying it on which, I knew from experience, was something she did often. I looked behind me to see Draven speaking closely with Frank and I knew what he was doing.
And I was right. After getting Frank’s permission, Draven bought Libby the dress, telling her it was also a thank you for welcoming him into their home and lives. I thought my sister and mother were going to cry and it was only little Ella that saved Draven having to deal with two weeping Williams girls, when she shouted, ‘And me, and me, I want!’ Which meant Draven was next on a mission to find the perfect small dress for our little flower girl…one that also cost a small fortune.
All in all, it had been a wonderful day and one that had completely managed to take my mind off everything. Holding hands with Draven as we walked down the busy London streets and stopping to check out the sights with my family will always be a moment I will never forget. Which brought us back to tonight and my Hen do. As far as Draven was concerned we were having a fairly quiet night in the hotel suite, ordering room service, playing fun games, listening to what Draven called ‘Girl Music’ and drinking pink champagne. Even to me this sounded like a great night and I would have been more than happy if this had been it, however, the large snag in that plan was time or the lack of it. We needed to somehow sneak out of our own party and get into another one so that I could speak to a certain person.
I had no idea how I was going to do this and Pip’s ‘leave it to me’ comment was making me more nervous about it than relaxed.
“Time to get your little booty dressed!” Pip said pushing me towards one of the bedrooms.
“Your dress is hanging up in the closet.” Sophia added as she started popping champagne bottles open. Thankfully, I had already showered, applied a bit of makeup and tied up my hair in a twisted style, allowing a few curling bits to escape. Granted my handy work had been nothing compared to Sophia’s genius when doing my hair and makeup but I didn’t think I looked too shabby.
I opened the wardrobe to find the beautiful red lace dress hanging there that Sophia had picked for me the day we all went shopping. I lifted it out, unzipped the back and laid it down on the bed before getting undressed. I was just down to my underwear when the door burst open.
“Your Mum and Sister just arrived…ooo cool outfit.”
“Pip, I’m just in my underwear.” I told her and she winked at me and said,
“I know, a little daring for you but I like it, shows your cracking Tootie knockers!” Well I don’t think I had ever had my boobs referred to in quite that way before.
“I’m wearing the dress, Squeak.” I told her nodding behind me and she popped her head around me and said,
“Ha I get ya! Don’t want to outdo us all eh? Nah its cool, the dress is nice and stuff but you just wait until…”
“Pip!” Sophia called her interrupting what she was about to say.
“Ooops, gotta go…oh and there’s this other skinny chick turned up.” She said stopping just before she rushed out the door.
“Really? Who?” I asked as I was slipping the dress over my head. It was halfway on making me look like a red sausage with my hand up in the air when I stopped dead as Pip gave me the name.
“Oh what did she say, she’s got the same name as that Clinton chick…” Pip said and I could just see through the lace at her rolling her hand around like this would somehow help her remember, meanwhile my blood had run cold.
“You mean…Hilary?” I said having to pause before I said her name.
“Bingo, beep, beep, ding, ding, three points! That’s the one!” She said yanking my dress down all the way over my head and zipping it up with one swift movement. Then she kissed my cheek and was gone.
“Oh no, this could be bad.” I said to myself only hoping that the Hilary I had loathed was gone for good and never to return.
“So what are the boys doing tonight?” My mum asked sweetly as she sipped at her champagne flute. My mum wasn’t a big drinker but that might have had something to do with a Christmas work’s party about ten years ago when my mum got escorted back home by the police. It was for being drunk and disorderly when she tried to steal one of their hats and was chased down the street for it, needless to say she swiftly moved jobs after that.
“Didn’t they mention just a few drinks at the hotel bar?” I asked Sophia who nodded as she continued to hand out glasses. I was sat in between my mum and Libby sipping our drinks and my mind shifted to wondering how the Stag was doing? The party had just started and I was thankful, in an ‘over the moon’ kinda way that Hilary’s personality transplant was still in good working order. She had congratulated me and even bought me a gift, which Pip being Pip had quickly swept straight in there to take it off me. She then added this to the ‘Gift table’ where I was surprised to see quite a few different presents waiting for me.
“It’s just lovely finally getting to spend some time with you and your friends,” my mum said and I put my arm around her and hugged her close.
“Even if they are all a little colourful,” my mum whispered smiling as Pip opened the door to RJ.
“They also have colourful hearts.” I told her softly and my mum being the type who would never judge, simply smiled at me and said,
“Of that my love, I have no doubt.”
“Now it’s really time to get this party started, bitches!” Pip screamed and I quickly added,
“And colourful language.”
“Yes, I did notice.” This time Libby laughed along with us, hearing everything we said. As soon as Ari walked further in I got up and hugged her close, as I was worried that seeing me with my family would be too hard on her, but she was grinning like a Cheshire cat.
“So introduce me to everyone then!” I gave her a tighter hug before letting her go, telling her in that moment how much I appreciated her doing this. After introducing everyone to everyone else Pip started the music, which started with the ultimate party classic, ‘Footloose’. Pip started throwing her head around creating a halo of green to follow. Then she started handing out hair brushes to everyone in a serious attempt to get us all singing. Bless my mum as she looked down at the roller brush in her hand and then shrugged her shoulders and just as the beat kicked in started singing her little heart out. Libby and I both looked at each other and burst out laughing before joining in and pulling mum to her feet.
“Right time to dress up the Tootie Hen!” Pip said pulling a bag from under the table and handing everyone around the room something from it. At the end of being swamped by hands I was now wearing a white veil with condoms attached, which Pip nearly wet herself over, no doubt because of what we were in fact trying to achieve by getting me knocked up. I also had on an L-plate pinned to the back of my dress, a flashing ‘I’m the Bride’ tiara and a sash that said, ‘Toot’s Rockin’ Bride’. This was all done with Pip’s song choice of ‘White Wedding’ by Billy Idol.
After this came the games and I thought Pip was going to burst with excitement. The first on our list was called the ‘Junk on the Hunk’ game and I ending up spitting out some of my champagne when Pip and Sophia revealed a giant cut-out of my husband to be. Thankfully though, Draven was fully dressed in a suit or I think my mum might have started with palpitations before her third glass of bubbly.
The aim of this game was for them to blindfold me and hand me cartoon cut outs after spinning me around. Then they told me what ‘man parts’ they were and I had to feel on the cardboard Draven cut-out before sticking them to where I thought was the right place. This had everyone in utter hysterics and once pulling off the blindfold I could understand why. Of course before they did this Sophia thought it was a great idea to get me to stand next to it, still blindfolded so that she could take a picture to send to Draven. I didn’t know this was happening at the tim
e but needless to say everyone else did. Even my mum got involved telling me to move a hand this way and that and then do a thumbs up with the other.
When I finally was allowed to take off my blindfold I turned to see how well I had done in my task, only to find that poor Draven had a pair of balls half way down his legs, balls which Pip had named ‘Hairy man danglers’. He had his penis on his stomach off to one side and slightly bent and very wonky nipples that were closer to his armpits than on his chest. After this poor Draven became our official mascot and ended up wearing a pink feather boa, my flashing tiara and also now sporting a very dashing curly moustache, thanks to Pip and the black sharpie pen she always kept handy.
We also played‘Willy Hoopla’ where we all took turns throwing a plastic ring trying to get it over the large penis in the middle of the floor. Everyone cheered my mum on as she beat us all, blushing when she won the chocolate mint nipples.
“It must be all those years playing ring toss,” she said before I caught her hiding her prize in her bag.
“What are you doing, mum?”
“Well I thought I would take these back for your father, he loves After Eights and these look like the same thing.” Libby laughed and said,
“Mum, you do know they are shaped like nipples don’t you?”
“Yes but he won’t know that! Give that man chocolate and he won’t stop to take note what shape it is…it could have my face on it and he wouldn’t know!” We both burst out laughing as we knew this was true, Libby and I had spent years having to hide our chocolate in the freezer from our dad as it was the only place he never looked.
The night was a raging success and Pip had really gone to town on everything. There were more games like, Willy bingo, dare cards and a shot Russian roulette drinking game that sent most of us over the edge of tipsy. This included my mum who we had to convince to stay in the room as she wanted to go in search of one of the bellboy’s hats.
“What is it with mum and hats when drunk?” Libby asked me, slopping a bit of bubbly down her chin.
“Beats me but I think she might have a thing for a man in uniform.” I told her and we both started giggling.
“Time for gifts!” Sophia shouted and RJ helped her pile them all on the coffee table in front of me. I was sat down in the middle with everyone sat around watching as I opened all the gifts. The first was a beautiful underwear set made of purple lace from my sister, obviously to go with the wedding colour theme. It was stunning and I couldn’t wait to wear it for Draven.
“Next!” Pip shouted clapping and passing me one from my mum.
“Your Gran gave me this same gift before my wedding day,” my mum told me and I grinned, loving the family connection behind it. I opened it, knowing instantly it was a book of some kind.
“Mum it’s brilliant!” I told her and then held it up for everyone to see the title, one that read, ‘Sex Tips for husbands and wives from 1894’
“And I will tell you what she told me, ‘They must have been doing something right ‘cause we are all still kicking around’.” Everyone laughed and just after reading the first page to everyone, I couldn’t believe how spot on it was, just not for the reasons it referred too,
“Okay, so it reads, ‘To the sensible young woman, who has the benefits of a proper upbringing, the wedding day is ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life’,”
“Oh Mama Toots, that ship sailed long ago and that girl of yours is now the captain!” Pip said making everyone double over with laughter. My wonderful mother placed a hand on Pip’s arm and said,
“I know love, who do you think she gets it from?” then winked at her. Pip’s eyes got wide and she shrieked,
“Oh put it there, Mama Toots!” giving her a high five.
“MOM!” Libby shouted sounding more American in her shock.
“Get over it dear, you know where babies come from and the stork was sick that day.” Libby rolled her eyes smirking at our mother and Sophia shot me a look as if to say my mum was the coolest. And right at that moment I was so proud I couldn’t help but give my mum a high five.
My next few gifts were your usual Hen do gifts, which included everything from a giant penis jelly mould from RJ, a box that said, ‘for the girl who likes a big 1’ on the front, only to find a giant chocolate number 1 inside. This was from Hilary and it went down well with everyone having a laugh. Ari bought me penis shaped lipsticks in a raspberry colour and Pip laughed saying,
“If it’s ever that colour I would call a doctor!” Ari and Pip seemed to hit it off but that wasn’t surprising as Pip hit it off with everyone, even my mum was ready to adopt her and Pip had the sharpie to sign the paperwork!
My next gift couldn’t have been more Sophia if she tried. I had wondered being from her if it would be something with a designer label, but oh was I wrong. It was the perfect gift for a naughty demon to give the bride at her Hen party.
“I don’t think your brother will approve.” I said laughing as I held up the voodoo doll which had white pins around his heart and inside it said, ‘Tell me you love me’. There was a different message all over his body that I guessed whatever you wanted him to do was where you placed the pins. I was half tempted to ask Sophia if it actually worked, as with her you would never know. The other messages included things like...
Clean the house.
Take me on Vacation.
Cook me dinner.
Give me a foot rub.
Which so far was a whole list of things Draven had never done, but if it had said,
Give me multiple orgasms.
Make me scream.
Feed me.
Protect me.
Make love to me on a bed of roses.
Then I think that would have been more fitting. I was tempted to borrow Pip’s sharpie. And speaking of Pip, we had only one present left and I couldn’t wait for it.
“Mine next!” Pip shouted, passing me an outrageous box covered in boobs and a card that read,
“To one of the original Boobie Bad Ass Bitches’ Love Pipperlicious’. Nice touch Pip.” I said after reading it out for everyone.
“But of course…I have a way with words, Joyce,” she told my mum, leaning into her.
“I know, love.” My mum replied giving me a wink.
“Open it!” Ari said getting excited to see what Pip had bought me. I opened the box pulling off the mountains of ribbon and then tackling the same mountain of tissue paper inside.
“Oh…My…Good Lord.” I said as I lifted up the craziest underwear set I had ever seen. I mean I knew they had candy bra and knicker sets but this was something else…entirely!
“Do you like it? I made it.” She told me almost climbing over RJ to get closer to me.
“You made this?” I asked shocked at how something so crazy could be so utterly brilliant and beautiful at the same time. She nodded and I suddenly felt like I was going to cry. Everyone else was also talking about how amazing it looked and I just held it up looking at the rainbow of colours in utter awe.
What Pip had made me was an underwear set like no other. It was entirely made out of sweets which had been sewn together with strawberry laces and glued with heated sugar. It was a full size bra that laced together at the back with fizzy belts that you knotted to tie it on. The briefs were the same that tied at each side of your hip and the thong part was a string of Jelly beans. She even put two gobstoppers on there as nipples. But there was everything in it. Jelly babies, Fizzy Bubblegum Bottles, Love Hearts, Flying Saucers, Sour Suckers, Cola Cubes and those were only the ones I could remember the names of. It was so much fun and after seeing how Draven reacted down the sweet aisle, I knew he would think so too, especially when he got to eat it all off me. I was thinking of all the delicious fun we were going to have with this awesome outfit.
“It’s perfect Pip, thank you!” I said grabbing her to me and hugging her tight.
“You’re welcome, my friend,” she told me getting teary.
“Right, enough of the mushy woman love, time for cocktails and party fun bags!” Pip shouted bouncing up off the floor and grabbing Sophia as she went. I knew time was getting on and I still had no idea what we were going to say to the rest of them as to why we were leaving for a short while. Because that’s what I was hoping for, the quicker we go in the quicker we get out.
“Here’s one for everyone but wait, you have to drink this to go with it.” She handed out a black bag to everyone and people started pulling out the purple tissue paper before diving in.
“Everyone wait to try your lollies at the same time as I made those too.” She said once my sister pulled hers out first. I saw Sophia whispering over by the window with Ari after she passed her one of the bags. I wondered if that was about what was happening tonight? The sound of my mum’s laughter made me turn my attention back to the rest of them as they all discovered the items in their bags.
“Purple willy straws?” I asked Pip with a smirk on my face.
“Hey for all we know it glows purple in the dark…you know, when he’s rising up to the demonic occasion.” I laughed and then asked,
“Yeah but did you have to attach the little signs that say ‘Suck me’?”
“What can I say, I’m a practical girl.” Now this really made me laugh and I continued to do so as they all pulled out one funny thing after the next, including personalised ‘Club Afterlife’ condoms. Especially when my mum handed hers to Libby, saying,
“You will need this more than I do, dear.”
There was also Fortune Fish that you placed on your palm and they told you your emotion. There were multicolour rubber wristbands that said ‘Party like Pip’ in white writing, key rings that said, ‘Party like an Afterlife girl’ on one side and on the other a green skull with wings that said ‘Chase the Green Fairy’ underneath.
Then there were her little coffins which had a sticker on the top that had a skull puking out a rainbow and the words round it said ‘Toot’s sweets, Pip ‘n’ Mix’. Inside these there were a variety of gothic naughty sweets, like fizzy vampire teeth, Jelly willies, Blood balls, hard candy willies, Vampire balls, white chocolate skulls and let’s not forget, Jelly men with willies…I quickly guessed the theme. But what made me nearly choke on my drink again was the ‘Oracle Cookies’ that were really ‘fortune cookies’ that had been put in a little brown bag and stamped with the new name on the front.
Sacrifice of the Septimus: Part 1 (Afterlife saga Book 7) Page 32
