He pulled her close and crushed her mouth to his. Lizzie felt his relief in that kiss and knew he must have been worried. She let tears slide down her face as she let herself feel the fear she had fought so hard against.
“Where is Shadow?”
“Inside.”
Lizzie’s heart broke for her brother. She knew he had come expecting to kill the men inside that house. She hated that he’d had to do that for her. There were no sounds as she and Spec made their way further from the yard. Lizzie saw flames, but didn’t see Shadow. She knew he would understand what she had done even if he didn’t understand why she had done it. He would see that there had been no struggle and he would know her to be the murderer that she now was. She couldn’t think about that now though. She was already feeling sick over it and she knew it would only get worse.
“Where is he?”
“He will meet us here Lizzie. Don’t worry about Shad. He can take care of himself.”
“What if he’s hurt?” She tried to pull away from Spec. She wasn’t sure what she planned to do as the house blazed, but she had to make sure Shad was alright. She remembered him as a lost little boy. He was older than Lizzie, but had always seemed so lost. She had always tried to reach him. Always tried to make him smile or make him understand how much he meant to her, but she knew he never did. He had always been so unreachable.
Then he was there. One moment there was nothing and the next he stood before her. Shadow tilted his head and studied her in the dim light. Lizzie knew he could see her better than she could see him. He had always been able to see better in the dark. She heard him exhale once and saw him shake his head.
“Stop trying to save me Lizzie.”
Her heart broke. “I’ll always try to save you Shadow. I love you.”
He just stood as if he didn’t know what to say. Then he pulled her in and hugged her. She felt as if she were drowning and the only thing that could save her was her brother she loved so much even if there were times she wanted to strangle him and even more times when he scared her to death. His voice was so quiet when he spoke that she almost mistook it for the wind.
“I love you too Lizzie. You should have let me do that.”
“I couldn’t let you do that for me. I know what it does to you.”
“What will it do to you?”
“I don’t know.”
He squeezed her tighter for a beat and then whispered, “let’s go.”
They climbed into the black van and drove away from the blazing house, but Lizzie left a part of herself there. She closed her eyes and felt the warmth of blood as it flowed over her fingers. This was differed than the feel of the blood of a person she was trying to save, this blood was hot and scalded her skin. She smelled her own flesh burning as it mingled with the coppery scent of blood and she screamed.
Spec settled in beside her and pulled her into his arms as Shadow drove through the inky darkness keeping his headlights off. She was glad for his comfort and his strength because she was almost out of strength.
“It will pass Lizzie. I promise you, it will pass.”
“How?”
“You’ll see how you didn’t have another choice really. I know what you did and I know why. No good deed goes unpunished.”
He leaned his forehead against hers and took a deep breath.
“You could use a bath there cupcake.”
Lizzie smacked his chest and felt a smile curl her lips. She’d never thought she would feel it again.
“I want to see Rider.”
“I know. We are heading that way now, but thought you’d like to clean up first.”
“I would.”
She looked up into his eyes.
“Thank you Spec.”
He kissed her head.
“Anytime cupcake.”
Eleven
Rider opened his eyes and closed them again. He was hallucinating again, he had to be. How many times had he seen her and she had disappeared when he’d reached for her? How many times had it all been a trick of the mind? How many times had his hand almost touched her…
He cracked his eyes open again and let himself study her. Even if it was just a trick, he still craved the sight of her. She moved and Rider stopped breathing. Her beautiful green eyes opened and he couldn’t move.
“Rider? Are you alright? Are you in pain? Should I call for the nurse?”
Her voice was better than the drug that took him to heaven.
“Are you real this time? Are you really here?”
She smiled. “This time?”
“You always disappear when I reach for you. Are you real this time? Will you stay?”
She walked to him. Placed her hand in his and squeezed tight. “I’m real. I came to see you, but they won’t let me stay.”
“Are you hurt Lizzie? Did those fuckers hurt you?”
“No. I’m okay. They didn’t touch me, okay?”
Rider nodded. “I’m so sorry Lizzie. I’m sorry for all of it. I thought if I left you would find someone who deserved you, but it killed me to leave you. It fucking killed me. I had to though. There was no place for me there anymore, not the way I was. My own brothers looked at me like I was a fucking traitor. I couldn’t take that shit anymore. Now this…” He remembered hearing that she was safe. Preach had told him, but he hadn’t believed it until now.
“I know. You can’t worry about it now though Rider. You have to get better. I wanted to see you. I wanted to show you that I’m alright, but I have to go back home. I just had to see you. I hope you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind.” He let out a humorless laugh. Damn Lizzie, I have been wanting to see you since I left you. Please tell me you know how full of shit I was that morning and that you know I was just pushing you.”
“I think I’ve figured that out.”
“Good. I know I hurt you though. I’m not real good with apologies, but I am sorry I hurt you Lizzie.”
“I know.” She took a deep breath and let go of some of the hurt. “You can’t just come home Rider. You need help.”
“I know. Lacey found a place for me to get it. She said the worst part is over, but she wants me to check into a hospital for a while. If she can beat the charges anyway.” He shrugged, but it meant something that she cared.
“I’ll be here when you get out, of you still want me to be. There are things I need to tell you too. I have changed. You may not want me anymore.”
Rider felt his eyes water again. “I want you Lizzie. I’ve always wanted you and I don’t mean that I just want to fuck you.&nb [ fus wsp; I can’t give you babies Lizzie and I’ll never be the man you need, but I want to be. Nothing you can say will change it. Not ever.”
“It’s enough Rider. I just want you. I just need to be with you.”
“What about Spec?”
“Spec was fun, but that’s all we were to each other. We both knew it when we began. We are good friends that just needed more sometimes.” She shrugged as if it made perfect sense. “I won’t give up his friendship, but I could be persuaded to give up the extra.”
He laughed then. “Well that nerdy little shit can’t beat me in bed so I’m not real worried.”
“You’d be surprised.”
Lizzie raised her brows.
Rider pulled her in and kissed her. She tasted like watermelon candy and smelled like some kind of flowery shampoo. He wrapped his arms around her until he was sure he was crushing her, but she didn’t protest. The feel of her breasts pressed against his chest had him groaning. She kissed him back and when he started to let her go she pulled him back again. His body reacted to her almost painfully.
“Fuck. If we weren’t in this damned hospital I’d have you stripped and on your back right fucking now.”
Lizzie was breathless. “I’d let you too.”
Rider smacked her ass and pulled her up onto the bed until she was straddling him. He gripped her hips and ground himself into the cleft of her legs.
“Shit, no
woman does this to me like you do.”
Lizzie threw her head back and laughed.
“Every woman does this to you.”
She rode him slowly until he thought he would die.
“Why the fuck didn’t you wear a skirt. Damn it to hell.”
He ran his hands up her body and cupped her breasts. He squeezed hard enough to make her catch her breath.
“Take this off and let me see your tits Lizzie.”
Her eyes rounded. “I can’t do that!” She smacked at his hands, but didn’t fight him when he lifted her shirt. He pulled her cups down so he could pull her breasts free. He stared at them until the nipples hardened and she groaned.
“I can’t wait to have you again. Best damn night of my whole fucking life.”
Lizzie fixed her clothes and climbed off the bed.
“Soon. I think we need to get to know each other first. I have changed. I’m serious when I say that Rider.”
“I’m different too Lizzie. I’ve finally grown the fuck up. Think we can get to know each other and learn to be together as adults?”
“I think we can sure give it a go.”
She leaned over and pressed her head against his shoulder and breathed him in.
“I really missed you.”
“Me too Lizzie.”
Rider held her hand and tried to believe that it was all real. If this ended up being a trick of his mind he wasn’t sure he could take the disappointment. Lizzie pulled her chair close to the bed so she wouldn’t have to let him go. She stayed there until he fell asleep.
Twelve
“Wake up Rider. They’re letting us take you home.”
“What do you mean Lace?” He looked around the room, but Lizzie was gone. It had been just a dream after all then.
“The charges were dropped. Seems that the girl’s brothers were killed in a house fire late last night and she recanted her story this morning. She said that they had forced her to lie. It was all to get back at you for not running their drugs. It’s all over.”
“Lizzie?”
“She’s fine.” Lacey tilted her head to the side. “She is recovering from the whole thing. She has been asking for you.”
Rider shook his head. “I’m not fit for her to see right now Lace. I can’t even figure out what is real and what’s not anymore.”
He ran his hands through his hair. It was longer than he used to keep it and felt dry and brittle. That pretty much described him altogether. He was dry and brittle to the core. If a strong wind blew he would be gone like ashes in the wind. He knew he wasn’t strong enough to go home.
“So I can get out of here and into rehab?”
She nodded. “We can go straight there from here if that’s what you want to do.”
“Then what?”
“That’s up to you. You can become a citizen or you can come back and be a brother.”
Rider nodded. He wasn’t sure what he would do, but it was nice to know he still had a family and he still had options.
“Thanks Lacey. Thanks for everything. I can’t even begin…”
She smiled and he knew she understood. He was thanking her for more than her legal services.
She drove him to the rehab center and helped him check in. Lizzie had been able to secure him a place here since she knew some of the staff. He felt his heart squeeze when Lacey told him that. She still cared enough to help him.
“Lacey, do you think I could call Lizzie? Before I go in? Do you think she would want to talk to me?”
She raised her brows.
“Just give me the fucking phone.”
“That’s more like it. This nice stuff isn’t like you.”
“I was always nice to you Lace.”
Lacey handed him her phone after dialing the number without comment. Lizzie answered on the first ring.
“Hello Lizzie.”
He heard the smile in her voice and knowing he put it there made him smile too.
“Oh Rider, you sound so good! I wasn’t sure I would hear from you today.”
“That’s my fault and I aim to change it. You will learn to count on me.”
“I’m going to hold you to that.”
And just like that all of the past few months melted away, maybe it had been years since they had talked this way.
“I’m starting to feel good again. Are you alright Lizzie? I was worried out of my mind.”
“I’m ok Rider. I came to see you last night, don’t you remember?”
He heard a hollowness to her voice when she spoke and he knew he’d hurt her feelings.
“I wasn’t sure it was real.” He let a self-depreciating laugh slip out. “I have dreams like that all the time. I sure was hoping though.”
“I have missed hearing you laugh.”
“I’ve missed having something to laugh about.”
“I’ll see what I can do about that.” She paused.
" align="jwidth="3em" align="justify">“What is it Lizzie?”
“Do you regret last night?”
“I wanted to see you Lizzie but not like this, not the way I am. I need to get better first. Last night was like a dream. It was the most amazing dream. I don’t regret it and I don’t regret the night we spent together the day I left. I can never regret anything with you except hurting you. I need to get better before I can be what you need though.”
“I know. I understand Rider. I really do. I will be here when you get out.”
It was a promise. He heard it in the tone of her voice and he trusted it with everything he was. He would get through this and he would go home. Home to Lizzie. Home to his brothers.
“Write to me? Real letters that I can hang onto? Real nasty stuff to keep me going.”
“Every day.” She giggled and Rider felt like his heart would burst.
“Ok. I will see you soon Lizzie.”
He hung up the phone and handed it back to Lacey who was looking like a water pot.
“Stop that shit Lace. I already feel like a pussy I don’t want to start bawling like one too.”
Lacey let out a little laugh and nodded as she dabbed her eyes. “I’m just happy for you Rider.” She hugged him before he could stop her and really he didn’t want to.
“Hell yes! This is a thrill for me too. You just know how much I fucking love hospitals, now I get to spend ninety days in one.” He looked around the front of the building and gave Lacey a grin.
“It doesn’t look like a shithole though. Thanks for that.”
“You’re welcome, you asshole.”
He smirked at her and felt alive again for the first time in a long time. He could see the light at the end of the tunnel and this time he knew it wasn’t a train.
Thirteen
Lizzie didn’t sleep anymore. She worked as many hours as they would allow her to work at the hospital to try and make up for the lives she had taken. She wrote to Rider every day and sometimes she let him know how bad she was hurting. Mostly she tried to keep it light for him, but there were days…" er every dont>
Shadow watched her like a hawk and so did Spec. She didn’t know who all knew what she had done, but she felt like it was written on her skin. She felt like everyone accused her. She felt evil.
She looked up when a shadow moved near where she sat in the back yard of the club house. It was after three in the morning and she knew who watched her.
“You should be sleeping.”
“Seems like the ghosts are out tonight.” Spec said as he stepped into the moonlight. The moon reflected off his glasses as he adjusted them.
“I guess that’s something I’ll get used to.”
“Should have let Shad handle them Lizzie. We know how to deal with it. This shit is tearing you apart. You can’t keep going like this.”
“I couldn’t let him do that for me.”
“So you did it for him instead?”
She nodded
“I thought so.” He nodded. “It was noble. It does bother him. He has a lot o
f blood on his hands. It haunts him. He wouldn’t have wanted you to do that though, you are too good. He wouldn’t have wanted you to corrupt yourself for him, neither would any of us.”
“I know, but I couldn’t stand to see that look in his eyes.” Lizzie rubbed the chill from her arms and Spec settled down beside her. She knew he was offering his body heat and she was thankful.
Rider (Defenders M.C. Book 3) Page 5
