by Alexa Land
“Please don’t say that. I really want you to have this, especially now that I know what it means to you.”
“Seriously, it must have cost a fortune.”
“It wasn’t as expensive as you might be assuming. It was listed in very good to fine condition, because there’s some wear on the cover. I’m sure you know what that means, but I had to educate myself. I read up on the grading system and found out it’s about a five on a scale of point-five to ten. I thought you’d still like it though, even if it isn’t perfect.”
He grinned at me. “I do know how the grading system works. I’ve also been following the price of this comic book for the last several years, so I know exactly what you would have paid for it in this condition, assuming you didn’t get ripped off.”
I shrugged and said, “The seller had excellent ratings on eBay, I doubt he ripped me off.”
Shea looked at the comic book and ran a fingertip over the protective plastic cover. “This was so nice of you, Christian. I mean, it really was incredibly thoughtful. But I just wouldn’t feel right about accepting it.”
“I really want you to have it, though. Please? I hate sounding like a spoiled brat, but honestly, I can afford it. I rarely do anything extravagant with the money my dad gives me, but I just really wanted to do this for you. And why not? I mean, I might as well spend some of my money. It’s not like I can take it with me.”
That should have been an innocuous statement. It was just a cliché, something people said all the time. But as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew I’d slipped up. I tried to cover my reaction, but it was too late. Shea spotted it immediately.
He stared at me as I tried to fix a neutral expression on my face. “What do you mean?” he asked quietly.
“Nothing,” I said quickly, trying to backpedal. “It’s just, you know, what people say about money.”
His voice was low as he pinned me with his gaze. “Christian, what aren’t you telling me?”
I felt like everything was falling apart around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. He was so good at reading my reactions, he’d probably already guessed what I was hiding. I wished I could wind back time just a few seconds and correct my slip-up, but there was no fixing this. There was already pain in his eyes. It was too late. “Oh God, I’m so sorry,” I blurted. “I didn’t mean to tell you like this, especially on Christmas.”
His voice was almost a whisper as he asked, “Tell me what?”
I took a deep breath, hating myself for having made that mistake and for how much I was about to hurt him. But he had to know, I couldn’t take it back. Besides, I owed him the truth. I’d owed it to him all along.
“I’m dying, Shea.”
Chapter Sixteen
The look on his face was one of sheer devastation. Shea was just frozen there, staring at me, his hands splayed out on the counter. His eyes brimmed over and then tears spilled down his cheeks, while the rest of him remained completely immobile.
Finally he whispered, “You can’t be. Please tell me it’s not true.”
“I wish more than anything that it wasn’t.”
“Oh God.” It came out as a sob.
“I’m so sorry. God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do this to you on Christmas,” I stammered. He stared at me as he raised a shaking hand to brush away his tears. I added softly, “This is why I told you when we met that we couldn’t get involved. I didn’t mean to let you get attached to me, but I just couldn’t stay away from you.” My chest was so tight that it was hard to breathe. “I never, ever wanted to cause you this kind of pain. I’m so incredibly sorry, Shea.”
It hurt so much to see the look in his eyes that I turned and fled from the police station. The night had grown cold and windy, my hair whipping in my face. The Jeep was parked in the small visitor lot and I ran to it, then dropped my keys when I took them out of my pocket. I bent to retrieve them and when I stood up, Shea spun me by the shoulders and grabbed me in a fierce embrace. I hadn’t heard him follow me.
I burst into tears as he held me. “I’m sorry,” I said again, clutching him to me. The words seemed so feeble.
“Please stop apologizing.”
That just made me want to apologize again. I buried my face in his shoulder and we held each other for a long time. But after a while I felt him shiver and pulled back to look at him. “You need to go back inside. It’s cold out here and you’ve barely gotten over being sick.”
“I don’t care.”
“Please, Shea? You’re also in the middle of your shift.”
“Come back inside with me.”
“I know you must have a million questions and we need to talk about this, but not in there.”
“I need to know what’s going on with you.”
“I’ll tell you everything. But please, not here,” I said, pushing my wind-blown hair out of my face. Just then, a police cruiser pulled up at the side of the building and two big cops got out. One of them was Finn. He shot us a look as he went to get someone out of the back of the car.
Shea frowned as he watched his brother and muttered, “I need to go process that arrest.” He turned back to me and said, “I’m coming over tonight, the minute my shift is over.” I nodded and he hugged me again. When he let go, he paused for a long moment and looked at me, reaching up to touch my hair. There was raw heartbreak in his eyes as he turned and headed back into the building.
I was so miserable as I drove away. Why did I have to let that slip on Christmas, of all days? That was just such incredibly bad timing. Not that there’d ever have been a great time to tell him, but still.
Once I was a couple blocks from the station, I pulled over and just sat there for a while, trying to calm down. I was sick about the hurt I’d caused Shea. I needed to get a grip, though. By the time he came to see me tonight, I needed to be able to talk about this calmly. The last thing I wanted was to upset him more.
Eventually, I put the car in gear and kept driving. The police station was in a dicey part of town, and I had to cut through an even dicier section on the way home. Prostitutes regularly worked this neighborhood, but not many were out this cold Christmas night. A few were though, hunching their shoulders against the sharp wind. I recognized one of them and muttered, “Shit.”
As soon as I pulled to the curb, two boys approached me. I rolled my window down and Chance glanced over as they propositioned me. When he recognized me, he hung his head in embarrassment, then walked slowly to the Jeep. I delivered a thanks-but-no-thanks to the boys, both of which were probably barely eighteen, and when Chance reached me I said softly, “Get in the car, Chance.” He did as I asked.
He was quiet for a while as I pulled away from the curb and continued down the street. Finally he said, “I like to pretend I’m someone else when I’m with you. I mean, you know what I am, but...I don’t know. I feel like you don’t just think of me as some rent boy. Maybe that’s why it’s embarrassing to have you find me like that.”
“What happened to the plans you’d made with friends?”
“I lied, I didn’t have any plans. It sounded too pathetic to tell you I was going to spend Christmas selling myself. I actually only have two friends, you and Zachary. He’s a prostitute too and was booked with a client for the whole weekend.”
“What about your mom and brother, didn’t you want to spend the holiday with them?”
“They’re in Wyoming. Rather than spending money to go see them, I just sent them the cash. They need it more than they need to see me.”
“You should have told me, Chance. No one should be alone on Christmas.”
“It’s just another day,” he said, shrugging his slender shoulders. “It’s not like we ever really celebrated when I was growing up, so I’m used to it not mattering much.”
“Why didn’t you celebrate?”
“My mom...I mean, I don’t want to totally put her down, but she has a lot of problems. She could never really get it together to celebrate holidays or
birthdays or anything like that. Part of it was because money was so tight. You’re not going to spend money on a tree when you can barely afford to keep the heat on through the winter. Beyond that though, she was always just too wrapped up in some kind of personal drama to ever really think about doing anything for my brother and me.” Chance sighed and looked out the passenger window as I drove us across town. “Whatever, though. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t celebrate or get any Christmas presents.” He was trying so hard to hide the sadness in his voice, but wasn’t quite succeeding.
I stopped at a red light and pulled the camera case out from behind his seat. “This year, you did get a present. Merry Christmas, Chance,” I said as I put it on his lap.
“What’s this?”
“A gift. I was going to come by your apartment tonight and give it to you, but now here you are. I bought it online, so if I got the wrong thing the retailer said you can exchange it. You’re not allowed to return it and send the money to your family, though. Sorry, but this one’s just for you.”
He opened the latch and folded back the cover on the padded case. Then he whispered, “No fucking way.”
“Please don’t tell me I spent too much,” I said as the light changed and I rolled through the intersection. “I just really wanted to do something special this Christmas for both you and Shea.” A fresh pang of regret echoed through me as I recalled my earlier slip-up.
“How could you afford this?” he murmured, staring into the case.
“My dad has a lot of money and he gives me an allowance. Basically, your assessment of me when we first met was dead-on, just another over-privileged white boy.”
“This is astonishingly generous. Too generous. I can’t accept it.”
“Oh no. I just had this discussion with Shea and I’m not having it again. Please just indulge me, Chance. I know it’s a lot, but I really wanted to do this for you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re a good friend, and because I really believe in your talent. You’re a gifted photographer and I want you to have the right tools for the job.”
He turned his head to look at my profile. “Plus, you want me to stop working as a prostitute.”
“I’m not judging, Chance. But in the few weeks I’ve known you, you’ve gotten severely injured twice on the job. I know you said that was a fluke and it’s not usually that bad, but what kind of a friend would I be if I didn’t try to offer you an alternative after witnessing something like that?”
“I really hate being a charity case.”
“How are you a charity case?” I asked. “You’re an awesome photographer and I believe in supporting the arts. That is not charity.”
“Damn it,” he mumbled.
“What?”
“I feel like crying. I’m such a wuss when I’m around you.”
“Whatever. I’ve lost count of the number of times I teared up today. I always tried to live behind this mask before, pretending everything’s fine when it so totally isn’t. But you know what? Fuck it. Sometimes we just need to let that shit out.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Oh no,” I said. “We’re not talking about my shitty life on Christmas. I accidentally just dropped a huge bomb on Shea when I went to see him at work. No freaking way am I going to do that to you, too.”
“That bad?”
“Yeah, it’s that bad, but we’re not talking about it today. For now, tell me how far off I was with the camera I selected. There were so many choices and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.”
He gingerly picked up the box the camera body was in and turned it over in his hands. “It’s perfect. Man, I’m afraid to touch it. I’ve never owned anything even remotely this expensive. If I drop it, I’ll pretty much have to kill myself.” I smiled, and that brought out a little grin at the corner of his mouth. “My imminent suicide is funny somehow?”
I rolled my eyes at that. “No. But you’re accepting the gift! You’re thinking of it as yours, so that must mean you’re done arguing about trying to get me to take it back. That makes me happy.”
“It really was way too much. Also, it’s weird to find out you’re insanely rich.”
“I’m not rich, my dad is.”
“Well, I know what this cost, so you’re insane either way.” He picked up a box containing one of the lenses and said, “This was so nice of you, though. But still insane. It makes the gift I have for you seem like a joke.”
“You didn’t have to get me anything.”
“Oh no. Don’t even try to go there after this grand prize lottery winner of a Christmas present!”
“Fine. Not going there.”
When we reached his apartment, I selected the nicer of the two remaining trees in my backseat and brought it upstairs for him while he carried the camera case carefully, as if the whole thing was made of glass. I put the tree on his tiny kitchen counter and plugged it in, then gave it a little water using a tea cup that had been in the sink.
Chance said he approved of the little tangerine lights. “Appropriately offbeat for my first Christmas tree,” he said with a grin. When he saw me looking at him sympathetically he added, “Oh, put your pity away.”
He offered me a beer and we carried the cans over to the little daybed, where we raised a toast to Christmas. After we took a sip, he said, “This seems so anticlimactic now.” He set the can on the floor and wiped his hand on his jeans, then reached under the daybed and pulled out a twelve-inch-square cardboard box, which he handed to me.
Inside was a dark blue album, its black cardstock pages lined with copies of the photos Chance had taken of my murals. “There are blank pages at the end, and it comes apart to add even more,” he told me. “I know I haven’t discovered all of your murals, and I also know you’ll be producing lots more in the years to come, so now you’ll have a record.”
That made me feel more than a little choked up, for a number of reasons. I put the album in my lap, then grabbed him in a hug and kissed the side of his head. “Thank you so much, Chance. What a great gift. I really appreciate that you took the time to make this for me.”
“Damn it! If I make it through the day without you driving me to tears, it’ll be a Christmas miracle.”
I grinned at that and let go of him. “I promised you a guided tour around the city to show you my hidden murals. We still need to do that.”
“We totally do! I can bring my new camera and document them, although it’s kind of too nice to actually use.” When I shot him a look, he said, “Okay, okay, I’ll use it anyway.”
He unpacked the camera and all its components, and as the battery charged I told him about the features that the retailer had mentioned. Chance then pointed out a million more features as he looked the camera over and flipped through the thick instruction book. He was so happy, his eyes bright, a big smile on his face. It felt wonderful to see him like that.
As soon as the battery was charged a bit, he selected one of the lenses and made me pose for him. I hammed it up and struck some ludicrous poses, which made him laugh. We hung out for a couple hours, until he started to get tired. He walked me to the door and grabbed me in a hug. “Thank you so much, Christian, not just for the insanely wonderful gift, but also for being such a good friend.”
“Right back at you on both counts.” I carefully cradled the album in my arms.
On the way home, I drove past Skye and Dare’s apartment. The lights were still on, so I knocked lightly. When Skye answered, he exclaimed, “Hey! Merry Christmas!” We hugged each other and I gave him the envelope with the gift certificate. “Come on in,” he said.
“Nah, I’m not going to disrupt your Christmas with your fiancé. I just wanted to give you that and tell you I love you. Sorry for dropping by so late, the day kind of got away from me.”
“I love you too. Your present’s at my studio, I’m still putting the finishing touches on it,” he said with a smile. “It would have been done on time, except a crazy
little old lady made me go on a Dotsy cruise for a week.”
I grinned at that and turned to go. “Next week. You and me. Major art supply dumpster diving with bonus criminal trespassing! I’ve missed doing illegal and disgusting things with you,” I called over my shoulder. The sound of his laughter followed me as I returned to my double-parked car.
All in all, this would have been an absolutely perfect Christmas. In fact, it would have been the best one I could ever remember. If only I hadn’t slipped up and said what I did to Shea.
I was dreading the conversation we were going to have tonight. I’d attempted to shove it to the back of my mind while I tried to make Christmas merry for my friends, but it had been hanging over me all night. I remembered the pain in his eyes and knew it was only going to get worse. With a sigh, I swung the Jeep around in an illegal U-turn in the empty street and headed for home.
Chapter Seventeen
I still had a couple hours before Shea got off work, so as I waited, I read the book my mother had given me. The album from Chance and the envelope from my dad sat beside me on the coffee table. As I read, I idly played with the pendant around my neck. I’d taken it off the key chain and had put my dad’s lucky charm on a long black cord, the way he used to wear it.
Shea must have driven like a maniac to get across town, because he knocked on my door only five minutes after his shift ended. He was still in uniform, again with no jacket, and was cold to the touch when he grabbed me in an embrace. “There’s something I need to say to you,” he told me. He pulled back to look at me and blurted, “I’m in love with you, Christian. I didn’t tell you because I was worried you’d think it was too soon, and you’d said we were supposed to be taking this day by day. But I love you so much, and whatever you’re going through, I want you to know I’m going to be right there with you.”
