by Eric Vall
“On that note,” I chuckled and pointed off to the horizon, “let’s get back to the castle. We’ve got a lot of work to do.”
Cupiditas gave me a nod, and then the blonde succubus summoned her dark angel wings in a flash of purple. The fit woman backflipped into the sky, zipped around behind me, and picked me up just underneath my armpits. Cupi’s skin felt soft against my own, and I swore I could feel her perky nipples erect against my back. Then she lifted me up into the air, and we were off.
The journey back to the Castle was one I’d made many times. It was the main living quarters of myself, my succubi, my Demon Lords, and now even my parents. We all had rooms and sometimes even entire wings all to ourselves, but we shared a common dining, training, and living area.
It was a regular Brimstone Hilton.
In no time, I saw the shiny black castle appear in the distance, just beside the village where my Shades dwelled. Even though I had modernized most of the Fourth Circle, I wanted to keep the whole “medieval” aesthetic for my domain.
I mean, how many other people can say they live in a fucking castle made out of black brimstone? That beats a condo any day in my book.
The succubi, Todd, and I finally landed in front of the castle gates, and the Shade who was manning the guard tower quickly lowered the massive wooden door down for us. We crossed into the castle’s main courtyard, where we found Ariel training with a bunch of Shades.
The redhead was originally a blacksmithing angel who we’d encountered in Heaven, but she now dwelled down here with us. The beautiful woman with the fire-kissed hair was now the blacksmith for my entire army, and so far she’d done a damn good job.
Ariel was standing there with three other Shades, all of whom were clad in black armor. When she saw us approaching, the angel released her defensive stance and gave me a large, welcoming smile.
“You’re back!” she exclaimed. “Just in time to see our new weapons demonstration, too.”
“I’m afraid I’ll have to pass on that one,” I said sadly. “We’re holding an emergency War Council meeting in the situation room in twenty minutes.”
“I’ll be there,” Ariel grinned and gave me a salute, “I can’t wait to find out what we get to test my inventions on next!”
“Neither can I,” I joked as we entered through the main door of the castle.
The main lobby of my dwelling still looked the same as before, with its large velvet rug and “regal” aesthetic. The only difference was that now, since Eligor and Ariel were officially part of my team, they had their own portraits commissioned.
Eligor insisted that hers be as formal as possible, so she ended up posing in a chair, decked out with a bedazzled version of her skimpy armor. She held her dual swords behind her head threateningly, and the knight had a scowl on her face that could freeze even the warmest of hearts.
Then there was Ariel’s portrait. The angel opted for a picture of herself in her beloved armory, in front of several of the Hellfire-powered weapons she’d created from scratch. The redhead wore a skin-tight white tank top on her torso and a pair of pitch black leggings on her bottom. She had a welding mask in the “up” position on her head, and her expression simply screamed determination.
Much like the beauties themselves, both of these portraits were a welcome addition to my home.
We passed through the foyer and up the stairs, until we came to the main living area of the castle.
Tris, the Sister of Sloth, was passed out on the couch and snoring loudly like a buzzsaw.
Meanwhile, Superbia and Libidine were sitting in the chairs across from her, chatting excitedly as if they were teenage girls gossiping about their friend’s latest fashion faux pas.
Invidia, the gothic Sister of Envy, was nowhere to be seen, but the faint sounds of All-American Rejects in the distance told me she was probably sulking in her room.
“Hello, my beautiful lovers,” I said as the five of us entered the room.
The two women at the table perked up at the sound of my voice, and then they grinned from ear-to-ear as they stood and ran over to embrace me. I held them tight for what felt like an eternity as I soaked in the sweet smell of their hair and the warmth of their bodies against mine.
“Sheesh,” Todd mused. “We were only gone for a few hours.”
“Every second away from Jacob feels like a million years,” Libidine shot back. “Especially now that we know, well, you know … ”
“Now that Jacob has been confirmed as the heir to Lucifer’s throne, the entire world will be after him,” Sia added. “There will not be a single second of the day where his life won’t be in danger.”
“Relax, Sia,” I reassured the redhead, “right now, the only people who know about this are the people in this room, Lucifer, and my parents. In fact, I haven’t even told the rest of my War Council yet.”
“Wait … ” Todd gasped as he clapped his tiny hand over his mouth. “This was supposed to be a secret?”
“Uh, yes?” I shot back along with an angry glare.
“Sooooooo, let’s just hypothetically say somebody jumped on a hypothetical podcast and maybe, just maybe, told all their listeners they had a showdown with the Devil,” the imp mused. “Would that hypothetically be something that’d be a problem?”
“What did you say on Tuesdays with the Toddster?” I sighed deeply. “Like, what exactly did you say?”
“I told my loyal listeners the full shindig, bro,” Todd admitted. “About the fiddle made of gold, the epic rock-off we had … all of it.”
“What about the whole ‘the Dev--Lucifer is my father’ thing?” I questioned with an extended finger.
“Wellllll,” Todd sighed, “I told ‘em something along the lines of ‘I fucked up Jakey’s dad real bad, bros and broettes--that’s what I call my fans, by the way. I never technically came out and said Lucifer was your daddy, but I’m sure some of the smarter cookies who listen to the show might figure it out.”
“It’s alright, my love,” Libidine promised. “The fandom for Todd’s show is pretty small. I’m sure nobody will notice.”
“She’s right,” Sia nodded, “based on my calculations, seventy-percent of Todd’s listener base comes from right here in this castle.”
“And the other thirty?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Raphael, Chort, and some random mortal in Kansas make up the remaining thirty percent,” the succubus madame explained.
“Wait,” I pondered, “that means--”
“I’m still workin’ on expanding my audience, bro,” the imp muttered, “but as long as that beauty in Kansas keeps listening to my show, I’m gonna keep making it.”
“You think it’s really her?” I chuckled as I remembered the redhead Todd had gone head over heels for during our first adventure. “There are a lot of people in Kansas, Todd.”
“But are there a lot of people in Kansas who love to listen to the paranormal musings of an imp who is also best friend to a King of one of Hell’s Circles?” he asked rhetorically. “It’s gotta be my woman of destiny, bro.”
“You don’t even know her name?” Eligor scoffed. “How can somebody be your true love if--”
“Destiny doesn’t need a name, Goldilocks,” Todd shot back without missing a beat. “There ain’t no fate but what we make it, anyway.”
“Alright,” I observed, “so really, only Chort and Todd’s true love know about my parentage. I guess that’s fine for now, as long as Chort doesn’t go blabbing it to everyone.”
“Please,” Todd said with a wave of his hand, “that sorry excuse for a pig-fucker is so stupid, he probably tries to organize M&Ms in alphabetical order. There’s no way he puts two and two together on Lucifer being your daddy.”
“Let’s hope so,” I shook my head, “I don’t want my Shades and our allies looking at me in a different light. They’d probably think I was some sort of monster … ”
“You could never be a monster,” Libidine consoled. “My sisters and I ha
ve been under the influence of cruel, heartless monsters for millennia. You, Jacob, are the polar opposite of a monster.”
“I second that,” Gula added. “You are one of the most selfless, kindest, and caring souls I’ve ever met. Even if your other allies find out about your heritage, they’ll know you’re still the same Jacob Ralston they’ve been following for the last few months.”
“Yeah, Jacob,” Tris’ groggy voice called out from the couch, “you’re fucking awesome, dude.”
“Thanks for the pep talk,” I chuckled and placed my hands on my hips. “Now, if we can just recapture this energy when it comes to overthrowing Lucifer.”
The second the words left my mouth, the room fell silent.
“Is that what your end game is?” Superbia asked through a shocked whisper. “You want to overthrow the King of Hell himself?”
“It’s the only way I’ll ever have a chance at freedom,” I explained. “I think he wants me to be his second in command, but I’m sure as fuck not going to work for that evil bastard. It’s either try to overthrow him, or die. And I dunno about you guys, but I would rather go with the first one.”
“Not to sound like a sour grape,” Sia sighed, “but you’re nowhere near powerful enough to take on Lucifer on your own.”
“That’s why we need to spread my influence,” I agreed. “We need to take out Beelzebub and his little fuckbuddies, and then that’ll be three more Circles for the taking. That’s three Circles full of Shades and succubi and Demon Lords who will all be looking for a new master to follow.”
“It would be a good start,” the madame agreed, “but I fear not even that would be enough. Lucifer isn’t like the rest of the Demon Kings, Jacob. He’s, well, he’s the second-most powerful being in the universe. Next to the Exalted One, of course.”
“The Exalted One is on our side,” I reminded her. “If we can somehow get him and his forces to help us--”
“They’d never break interdimensional law like that,” Sia protested. “Besides, the last time the Divine tried to storm Hell, they only just barely made it to the First Circle before they were driven back by the combined efforts of the Demon Kings and Queens.”
Suddenly, it looked like the lightbulb went on in Cupiditas’ head. The blonde succubus’ eyes lit up as a devilish smile spread across her lips and she raised a finger to speak.
“If Jacob’s plan is successful,” she began, “they won’t have to start at the Gates of Hell. If Beelzebub is out of the way, the Eighth Circle will be ours. And if the Eighth Circle is ours … ”
“We’ll have four times the real estate we have now!” Todd interjected. “That’s a lot of fucking room to grow weed, bro.”
“That’s not what I was going for,” Cupi sighed. “If Jacob is the King of the Eighth Circle and also a double agent for the Exalted One, then the forces of the Divine can enter there. And if they enter through the Eighth Circle, they’ll be right next to Lucifer’s domain in the Ninth.”
“That’s a fucking brilliant idea,” I admitted. “But I see one issue … the Demon Lords are never gonna go for it. If Lucifer is defeated and the Exalted One claims supreme victory, don’t they all die?”
“Not necessarily,” Eligor spoke up. “It’ll be up to whoever the Exalted One appoints to be the new King of Hell, and I’d assume that would be you.”
“So, you’re suggesting I just straight-up tell my demonic allies our plan and promise them mercy when I am King?” I questioned.
“Absolutely not!” Liby interrupted. “The second any other Demon King catches wind that you’ve allied yourself with the Exalted One, they’ll turn on you. If they turn on us … well, we’re all going to be feeling Lucifer’s wrath.”
“So, I have to play the political game?” I sighed. “Try to manipulate my allies into doing what I want them to do, and then ask for forgiveness later?”
“Unfortunately, that sounds like your best option.” Eligor nodded. “Luckily for you, we already have a perfect excuse to go after Beelzebub.”
“I second that, bro,” Todd agreed. “You don’t get a better excuse to whack a mother fucker than when he tries to make you Batman and then threatens to invade your turf.”
“Make me Batman?” I implored with a raised eyebrow.
“Yeah, bro,” the imp explained. “He kidnapped your parents and tried to kill ‘em. Dead parents are, like, the origin story of every single superhero I’ve ever heard of.”
“Wonder Woman?” Tris asked from the couch.
“Doesn’t count, Slothy,” Todd retorted. “She was sculpted out of fucking clay by Zeus.”
“Superman?” I questioned.
“Ma and Pa Kent don’t count, bro,” he shook his head, “his real parents died with the planet.”
“What about Thor?” I argued. “His parents are both still alive and well.”
“Depends on which story you’re reading,” the imp shrugged, “I’m telling you, bro. You want to be a superhero? Just kill your parents.”
“Excuse me?” I heard my mother’s voice gasp from the doorway.
Todd’s eyes went wide, and he nearly twisted his head one-hundred and eighty degrees to see my parents standing in the threshold of the living room.
“Oh, uh, hey Mr. and Mrs. Ralston,” he chuckled. “Me and Jakey were just--”
“Todd just made a joke that was in bad taste,” I explained. “You know how he is.”
My parents both looked at each other, shook their heads, and laughed.
“That’s not surprising,” my dad mused. “Todd always seems to be sticking his foot in his mouth.”
“Whoa, Mr. Ralston,” the imp gasped as he put his hands up. “I dunno what kinda kinky shit you’re into, but the only thing that goes into this mouth right here is grub, weed, and pussy. Speaking of which, how you doin’, Maria?”
My mom’s face contorted into a look of disgust, but she tried her best to ignore the imp’s words.
“Your father and I just wanted to come check in on you, Jacob,” she explained. “We wanted to see how your mission went and how you were holding up after, well, you know … ”
“Plus,” Dad added, “we wanted to get out of our quarters. Your girlfriend who lives in the wing next to us won’t stop blaring music at all hours of the day, usually that crap you listened to in high school.”
“Nooooooo,” Todd gasped. “Jakey, you listened to emo music in high school?”
“Sure,” I chuckled, and then I turned back to my parents. “The mission went fine. We caught our guy and got the information we needed out of him.”
“But how are you feeling, Son?” Dad asked sadly. “Or should I say-- er, I don’t know what to call you anymore.”
I placed my hand on my father’s shoulder and looked sharply into his blue eyes.
“You’re still my father,” I reassured him. “I may not have your DNA, but you still raised me like I was your own. And you sure as hell were a better Dad than that other fuckwit who calls himself my ‘father.’”
“Honey,” my mom sighed, “you sound like you’ve got a lot of repressed anger. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I’ll be fine,” I promised. “In fact, we were just talking about our plan to get that guy out of the picture.”
“Uhhhhhh,” Dad groaned curiously, “how exactly do you plan on doing that? I thought he couldn’t be killed, other than by you know who. And even then, that’s only going to happen during the End Times.”
“I don’t know, Dad,” I admitted, “but I’m going to do my damnedest to try. I’ve got thousands of loyal subjects and some of the best friends a guy could ask for. Lucifer is as good as toast.”
“Once you gain more followers and take on more territories,” Superbia added. “And gain more powers. And come up with a more cohesive plan. And--”
“I get it,” I interrupted. “I’ve got a long way to go, but we can make it happen. We’ve been an unstoppable team so far, right? None of the Demon Lords even stand a fuckin chance
.”
Our chances are increased when we work together.
I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard Mephisto’s voice. The Master of Whispers may have been a large, orange-skinned demon with giant horns and a mouth that was eternally sewn shut, but the slithery, telepathic way he spoke was far more intimidating than anything about his physical appearance.
“Doesn’t anybody knock around here?” I grumbled as I turned toward the Demon Lord.
Mephisto and Gamigin were entering up through the staircase from the main foyer of the castle. The Master of Whispers was hovering silently above the brimstone, but his companion was about as subtle in his approach as a rhinoceros. The other demon’s massive, hoof-shaped shoes plodded against the stairs and clopped loudly as he walked. Gamigin was out of breath when he reached the top of the stairwell, and I swore his breaths were coming out as whines.
“There--there are no doors here, my master,” the horse-faced demon joked. “We could not knock if we wanted to.”
We come bearing news, Jacob Ralston. Some that is fortunate, and some that is unfortunate.
“Great,” I mumbled. “I was just about to call everyone to the War Room so we could have a meeting, but since we’re all right here in the living room, we may as well talk here.”
Excellent. We have already summoned Daniel, as well.
I couldn’t help but wonder what was going on here. Why were my Demon Lords making decisions without consulting me? Were Mephisto and Gamigin up to something? Surely they wouldn’t try to betray me after everything I’d done for them.
“Next time,” I stated as I tried to reassert my authority, “please give me some sort of warning before you barge in here unannounced. And if you don’t mind, I’ll handle the assembly of my Shades.”
Mephisto bowed his head, and Gamigin instantly got down on one knee to do the same.
“Yes, master,” the horse-faced demon apologized. “I should have known better. I assure you, we meant no ill will by our gesture.”
“I know you didn’t,” I lied, “it’s just an FYI. That’s all.”
Right on cue, the leader of my Shade army, Daniel, appeared in the stairwell.
“I heard there was a party going on up here?” the blond man joked as he entered the living room.
