by Eric Vall
“I’ve been here the whole time, friend,” the Sister of Wrath shot back. “I’ve just been enjoying this, what did you call it, ‘doobie?’”
The imp nodded in confirmation.
“I’ve been too busy enjoying this doobie to say anything,” Ira continued. “It makes my mind feel somewhat numb and sluggish. It may just be the depressant I’m looking for to keep my submissive half in line…”
“So, it’s you?” I asked. “Like, the real Ira?”
“Whatever do you mean?” the succubus purred playfully. “My submissive and dominant halves are the ‘real’ me.”
“But you’re whole again?” I continued.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, bro,” Todd shook his head, “we don’t need to be talking about anyone’s ‘holes’ here. Save that shit for the bedroom.”
“That’s not what I--” I started, but the imp cut me off with a wave of his hand.
“It’s alright, bro,” he snickered. “I’ll give you a pass this one time. Just because I like you.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled as I rolled my eyes.
“Soooooo,” Tris’ voice sprang up from the other side of the couch, “has anyone RSVPed yet? I really want to know if we’re gonna have to clean this place, or if I can just shove everything into a closet and call it a day.”
“Oh, we got an RSVP alright,” Eligor grumbled, though she was somewhat more airy than normal. “Abbadon, the King of the Seventh Circle, sent Alphamegnon into our domain.”
“Wait, wait,” Todd rubbed his forehead in confusion, “Algernon sent Manbearpig after us? I guess that means they got our message, Slothy.”
“Abbadon,” Eligor corrected.
Todd put his hands on his hips and turned his head to the side as he stared down the knight.
“Goldilocks,” he sighed, “you should know by now that I’m bad with names.”
“I’m surprised you know your own,” the blonde woman shot back sassily.
Todd matched her sass equally as he did a snap in the shape of a “z.”
“With all the kinda shit I’ve been smokin’,” he warned, “I wouldn’t be so sure.”
“How do you know it was Abbadon?” Ira questioned. “I thought the demon bear was being held in the Sixth Circle? He hasn’t allied himself with our enemies, has he?”
“Because he sent a note,” I elaborated, “I don’t know if he’s allied himself with the unholy trio, but I think it’s safe to say he’s not on our side.”
“Abbadon is what we like to call a ‘sociopath’ in the political world,” Ira coughed. “A force of nature who’s going to do whatever the fuck they want with no thought or care about repercussions.”
“So, he’s just in it for the lolz,” Todd agreed. “Essentially a demonic internet troll, only with a lot more death and violence.”
“At least he’s still standing between us and Beelzebub,” Eligor reminded us. “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”
“That sounds like a good way to get shanked, Goldilocks,” Todd scoffed.
“I think I’m with Todd on this one,” I agreed. “We should just leave him alone and see what happens. At least he didn’t bother us until we intentionally tried to bring him into it.”
“Oh!” Tris mumbled off in the distance. “Speaking of allies, you had a phone call while you were gone. Todd said it was a Decepticon, whatever the hell that means.”
A Decepticon? That had to be the Archangel, Metatron. Or, as Todd so lovingly referred to him, “Megatron.”
“Shit, Metatron called us?” I asked the room. “What did he say?”
“Nothing too major,” Tris explained. “He just said he needed to speak with you about some stuff.”
“Some stuff?” I mused. “What kind of stuff?”
Tris made a “pffft” sound with her mouth.
“I dunno,” she continued, “like, Archangel business and shit. In all honesty, I was even more far gone than I am now when we were talking.”
“Great,” I mumbled as I headed toward the nearby hallway, “I hope it wasn’t anything too serious.”
“Maybe he was warning Slothy about an Autobot attack?” Todd snickered. “Maybe Starscream was being a little bitch and trying to overthrow him again. Or maybe, just maybe, bro … he’s letting you know that he’s been promoted to Galvatron.”
I just ignored the imp’s jokes as I walked over to the small oak door of the study and opened it gently.
“Try not to get too high in there!” I called out as I entered through the threshold.
This was one of my favorite places in the entire castle, even though I never really had the time to use it. My study was on the smaller side at approximately one-thousand square feet, but I made it my own.
Right across from the door sat a rather large desk made out of shiny, polished brimstone. A soft-lighted lamp sat atop the piece of furniture, accompanied by a few scattered pieces of paper and a book I’d been reading for the last few months. To top it all off, I had the coffee cup I’d bought on our first adventure. It still read “Rocky Mountain High” in bold red letters, and just the sight of it brought back memories of a simpler time.
Or, at least, as “simple” as it was to try and free two gorgeous succubi from their abusive pimp.
All the walls of the study had been converted into bookshelves that now housed some of the greatest literary works known to the universe. There were original works of some of the great authors like Dickens and Twain and even ancient writers like Sun Tzu and Aristotle. My heart skipped a beat, however, when I saw what was right next to those.
The Cave, written by none other than Plato.
Sure, I knew the work had been written by the actual philosopher, and not my father in disguise, but it still bothered me to see the name. Lucifer had held his charade for months as he allowed us to think he was Plato and, more importantly, that he was a close ally.
I forced myself to look away from the book as I marched over to the small “reading nook” Libidine had made for me. I plopped down in the comfy seat of brimstone, fabric, and stuffing, and then I adjusted my body until I was perfectly content.
Finally, I reached over to the large, boxy HAM radio on the nook’s side table and picked up the small square microphone that hung from its side. I twisted the knob on the chassis until it clicked, and then the radio crackled to life.
It was ridiculous we needed to communicate via amateur radio, but there wasn’t great cell phone service in Hell. Besides, the Angels were all about the old technology, so it was kinda fitting.
“Black Knight calling Shining Knight,” I announced into the mic as I pressed the button. “Do you copy, Shining Knight?”
Even though the radio was supposed to be secure, Metatron and I had agreed to use call signs at all times. The last thing we needed on top of all of the shit going on was to have our correspondences exposed to the rest of the Demonic world.
There was nothing but static on the other side of the line, but then I heard the speaker crackle to life.
“This is Shining Knight,” Metatron’s deep voice announced. “I hear you loud and clear. I tried to contact you earlier, but all I got was somebody named ‘Alita Dick.’ Is that one of your new associates?”
“No,” I explained as I tried to stifle my laugh, “that was Han Jobe.”
I rolled my eyes as the ridiculous code name came out of my mouth.
“Impossible,” he protested, “it was clearly a woman’s voice I was speaking with.”
“Then it was probably Half-baked talking while Han fed her the lines,” I noted.
Translation - Todd was telling Tris what to say.
“Oh,” the Archangel mused from the other side of the line. “How strange. Anyways, I was just calling in to give you a few updates on what is going on up here.”
“I’m assuming bad, if you’re calling me,” I sighed.
“On the contrary,” Metatron continued, “things have been going quite well up here in the last few months. Under the
leadership of Silver Falcon, and his two human associates, your cult has all but won the war against the Cult of Beelzebub. They’ve completely eradicated Beelzebub’s followers in the United States, and they’ve pushed all other demonic-worshipping cultists back to the state of Kansas.”
“Holy shit,” I whistled as I leaned back in the nook. “So, does that mean I control the entire state?”
Raphael had outdone himself this time.
“Even better, Black Knight,” the Archangel announced happily. “Your cult is the only one currently in the southwest. The entire territory is yours.”
I let out an audible gasp when I heard the news. I knew I could trust Raph to oversee things while I was gone, but damn. The entire southwest? If they kept things up at this rate, I would be in control of the entire continental United States in no time.
“That’s amazing,” I giggled like an idiot. “Tell Silver Falcon he’s a fucking miracle worker.”
“I regret to inform you I haven’t heard much from Silver Falcon,” Metatron sighed. “Since you left, he’s been spending most of his time in one of your bases. The Velvet Lips, I believe?”
I couldn’t help but laugh at the prospect of Raphael in a strip club.
“Uh, that’s definitely one of ours,” I said as I tried to control my amusement. “That’s the one Weeaboo Wetdream used to work out of.”
Todd had chosen Sia’s codename and, much to my dismay, she loved it.
“Ah,” Metatron mused. “Then I can see why he feels it’s productive. I have heard he’s taken quite the liking to one of your generals, the one called Meghan.
Oh dear. Meghan, or “Meghan Miracle” if you only knew her from her shows, was one of the strippers who worked in our gentlemen’s club. She was fucking gorgeous, with pert breasts, platinum blonde hair, and a smile that could melt even the most icy of hearts.
Good for Raph. It was about time he loosened up a little and enjoyed himself. Especially if he was being as productive as Metatron claimed he was.
“Meghan’s the best,” I lied. “Silver Falcon and her are going to have a good time.”
“Let’s hope so,” the Archangel agreed. “How are things going on your end? Has anything of note happened since we last spoke?”
I let out an audible “ha” before I started to talk.
“Shining Knight,” I warned, “you have no fucking idea. First and foremost, I found out who my father is.”
“Do tell,” Metatron pleaded like a sixteen-year-old waiting to hear the newest gossip. “Not even the Exalted One is aware of that.”
“It’s a doozy,”I admitted with a sigh. “My father is … well, Lucifer.”
There was radio silence on the other side of the line, but I wasn’t sure if it was the Archangel’s shock, or if I had just lost the signal.
“A-Are you sure?” Metatron demanded after a long moment. “That sounds like something Lucifer would make up to get inside your head. You are a threat to him, you know.”
“He sounded pretty serious,” I explained. “He’d been disguising himself as Plato and helping us out on all of our journeys down here. Honestly, I wish he was just fucking with me, but I don’t think that’s the case.”
Silence once more.
“That’s very troubling,” Metatron sighed. “I can assure you, we did not know this part of the equation. However, I will have to report it back to my superiors, and then they will decide what to do next.”
“What do you mean ‘what to do next?’” I growled. “Don’t tell me they’re gonna turn on me just because of my parentage.”
“I don’t think that will be the case,” he continued calmly, though I could tell there was a twinge of nervousness in his voice. “I’m just letting you know this will come as a shock to all who hear it.”
“Tell me about it,” I agreed. “It was a pretty fucking big shock for me, too. But you don’t need to worry about me. I’ve already got a plan on how to take that fucker down.”
“Lucifer?” Metatron gasped. “You--You want to take down Lucifer?”
“Isn’t that the end goal of all this?” I shot back. “This never-ending battle between Heaven and Hell? Doesn’t the whole chess game end when one of the kings is taken?”
“I suppose,” he conceded, “but … that’s quite a large task, Black Knight. The Exalted One himself hasn’t even been able to do that, and he’s been trying for many millennia.”
“That’s where my heritage is helpful,” I explained. “I’m currently trying to make friends with some of the other Demon Kings down here in Hell. Then, once I consolidate power, I can try to convince them to overthrow Lucifer. If I do that, then--”
“Have you told anyone else about this plan?” Metatron interrupted.
“Uh, just my succubi, Han Jobe, and my lead general,” I answered.
“Good,” the Archangel sighed. “Please listen to me. You cannot tell any of the Demon Kings what you are intending to do. In fact, you probably shouldn’t even trust your own Demon Lords with that information. If it were to get out that you were trying to overthrow the King of Hell … let’s just say, it wouldn’t end well for you. Demons are backstabbing creatures, Black Knight. Trust no one.”
“That’s a great way to look at life,” I joked, but the Archangel didn’t seem to see it as a laughing matter.
“I’m serious,” he warned. “We cannot help you while you’re in Hell, and if Lucifer is coming after you on Earth, our hands are tied. Azazel may have broken our peace treaty when he entered the church all those years ago, but we operate by a strict set of wartime rules. No angel, Archangel, or Demon would be crazy enough to try and face Lucifer head-on. That would escalate things to apocalyptic levels of bad.”
“Then I guess I’ll have to be more subtle,” I retorted, “and I’ll have to strike while the element of surprise is still on my side.”
“I don’t think you understand the severity of what you’re saying,” the Archangel sighed sadly. “If you try to go after Lucifer, you will die. Whether it’s by his hand or the hand of one of his minions or by the hand of one of your own allies is all that remains to be seen.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I agreed. “But look, even if I decide not to go after Lucifer, I’m still going to need Demon Kings on my side. Beelzebub’s forces are ready to invade, and the only thing that’s stopping them is the fact that they have to go through the Seventh Circle to get here.”
“Abbadon,” Metatron sneered. “The most ruthless of the Demon Kings and the most sadistic, twisted monster of a man next to Lucifer himself.”
“Yep, that’s the one,” I noted. “He even sent a demon bear to try and kill us.”
“That sounds like him,” the Archangel sighed. “Please tell me you’re not trying to ally yourself with the King of the Seventh Circle.”
“I’m not,” I only half-lied. “He’s too crazy, even for me.”
“Good,” Metatron continued. “Abbadon is not good news. I must be going now, my friend. But, before I go, I want to leave you with one final warning. Beware your allies, even the ones you hold closest to your heart. In the end, a demon will always put himself first. They’ll stab your back the second they see it as an opportunity. Don’t let that happen.”
“I won’t,” I promised. “I don’t trust these fuckers as far as I can throw them. And, judging by the size of some of these dudes, that’s not very far in the first place.”
“Agreed,” Metatron said somberly. “Farewell for now, my friend. I look forward to our next conversation. Shining Knight, over and out.”
“Black Knight, over and out,” I repeated and then placed the mic back onto the radio.
The words of the Archangel echoed in my brain as I rubbed my hands through my hair. Surely my own followers wouldn’t betray me, would they? I’d saved them from a life of eternal torture and given them more leeway than any other King gave his Demon Lords.
Maybe Metatron was just being paranoid?
He was right about o
ne thing, however. Even if I was able to get Mammon on my side, I shouldn’t trust him. Or Asmodeus. Or any of the other Demon Kings. They would turn on me the second they thought I was weak enough to bring down, and they wouldn’t hesitate for a second.
Now, I had two of these backstabbers coming into my domain in a matter of hours. If I wanted to keep them on my side, I needed to show them just how powerful my friends and I really were.
And that was exactly what I was gonna do.
Chapter 6
“Alright, you know the drill!” Cupiditas announced to the small-yet loyal army of Shades that stood before us. “I want you to find a sparring partner and then test out the new armory Ariel has so graciously given us. Remember, you’re all Shades. Use your full force.”
“Yeah,” Todd added as he threw his voice to sound deeper, “just like those old Timex watches, you can take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’. Or, was that the slogan of the Red Light District in Amsterdam? I always get the two confused … ”
Cupi rolled her eyes at the imp’s antics, and then she raised her left hand straight up over her head and slowly made a fist.
The Shades responded with a “haroo!” before they dispersed to find their sparring partners.
Each one of them was now adorned with the armor Ariel had shown me back in her workshop, and they all wielded some sort of hand-made weapon that had Divine Light coursing through its form.
The redheaded angel herself was standing up on the grandstand at the front of the coliseum, along with all seven of the succubi, Todd, Eligor, and myself. Daniel was down amongst his peers, as he claimed it was “what a good leader would do.”
“I see you have them trained very well, Cupiditas,” Eligor mused. “I’m impressed.”
“Maybe you should stop by the coliseum more often,” Cupi shot back somewhat snarkily, “you could see Jacob’s army in action, and maybe I could even give you a few pointers on combat.”
Eligor couldn’t hide her bemusement as she placed her hands on her hips and snorted.
“I am a great knight of Hell, Cupiditas,” she scoffed. “I know every possible battle strategy and fighting style ever created. Why do you think Jacob takes me on so many missions with him?”
