by Eric Vall
“Damn, Lib,” Todd whistled. “What did the poor thing ever do to you?”
“What about your hatred Hellfire?” Superbia questioned with a hint of awe in her voice.
Libidine snapped her fingers, and the Hellfire in her hand turned from a deep red to a vibrant yellow. The Sister of Lust tossed a handful of yellow daggers into the pile of ash in front of her, but nothing seemed to happen.
“Huh,” she sighed. “Maybe that power wasn’t--”
The dark-haired woman’s words were cut off when a shockwave rang out from the daggers and knocked us all onto our asses.
As we pulled ourselves back up to our feet, Libidine looked completely over the moon.
“Impact spikes,” I mused with a laugh. “Who would have thunk it?”
“Certainly not me,” Liby giggled, “but this opens up all sorts of new possibilities for my combat!”
“I can’t wait to see it in action,” I mused. “Badass, as usual.”
“What about you, Superbia?” Cupi spoke up. “Have your powers increased, as well?”
Sia brushed a bit of dust off her shoulder, shook her head, and sighed.
“I don’t know what could possibly be powered up,” she admitted. “Most of my powers are not offensive.”
“Nonsense!” I retorted. “Your black Hellfire has gotten us out of more jams that I could have imagined. Hell, when we were first starting out with the whole ‘demon hunting’ shtick, having you around to weaken the bastards with your magic was a necessity.”
“What about now?” she questioned sassily.
“Now, you’re just another badass cog in the machine that is King Ralston’s loyal Demon Lords,” I chuckled.
“Brooooooo,” Todd gasped. “We totally gotta get matching shirts with those names on ‘em. I totally know a guy who could do it, too.”
“The same guy who made you your ‘Higher Than a Giraffe’s Sack’ shirt?” I groaned. “The one with the stoned giraffe wearing a reggae hat?”
“The one and only,” the imp snickered. “He could probably get us them in like, two or three weeks tops, and for the excellent deal of fifty bucks a shirt!”
“That’s … that’s a terrible deal,” Sia explained. “I’d even go so far as to say it’s a rip off.”
“The Toddster demands quality,” Todd scoffed and crossed his arms, “and quality ain’t cheap, Strawberry Shortcake.”
“Indeed,” Sia said with a roll of her eyes.
“Well?” Libidine prodded. “Go on, Sister. Let’s see what your black magic can do now that you are a Demon Lord.”
“Now, now, Libidine,” the redhead clicked her tongue, “haven’t I taught you anything about patience?”
Sia summoned her black Hellfire into her hands, took aim at another nearby table, and then caught it in her spell. As she raised it up into the air, there was a loud groaning sound emitting from the wood. Suddenly, the sound grew larger, and the legs on the table began to twist and contort as it vibrated faster and faster.
“Are you doing that, Superbia?” Tris gasped.
“I-I am!” The Sister of Pride grinned. “I’m controlling what happens to the table inside of my spell. Observe.”
Sia squinted her eyes, focused, and then watched as all four legs snapped off their bases. The succubus released her spell, and the heap of furniture crashed to the stony ground.
“You need to teach me that, right away,” Ira observed gleefully. “That sorta thing could open up all sorts of new avenues for me to play with myself. Pun intended.”
“Oh boy,” Todd whispered to me, “what ever happened to the good ‘ol french tickler and whip? Isn’t that enough for whatever crazy shit she’s got goin’ on in the bedroom?”
“Todd,” I mused, “you have absolutely no idea what she’s capable of.”
“And I intend to keep it that way, bro,” the imp reassured me. “What a consenting demon does with her sadomasochist other half in the privacy of her own castle is totally not my business. Also, those are words I never thought I’d have to say in my entire life.”
“We’re all going through a lot of firsts, Todd,” Liby dismissed, “for example, this is the first time I’ve ever been in such formal clothing and armor. I feel like a Demon Princess.”
“No,” I reminded her, “you are my lover. If anything, that makes you a Demon Queen.”
“Don’t let Eligor hear you say that,” Cupi interjected. “Titles are really damn important down here. If you thought turning us into Demon Lords was bad, just try to show us off as your ‘Demon Queens.’ I think some of the powers that be would try to kill us on the spot for even thinking that way.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I mused as I wrapped my arms around Libidine and Sia’s waists. “Here in the Fourth Circle, you guys are my Queens.”
“Awwww, thanks, Jakey,” Todd sniffled. “No homo, though.”
“No homo,” I laughed as I agreed with the imp.
“We should call the Shades,” Cupi suggested. “If we go out to the coliseum, we could test out our new powers and weapons on them. Who better to act as test dummies than immortal spirits of the damned?”
“That’s not a terrible idea.” I nodded. “Maybe we should go and find--”
Before I could finish my sentence, there was a loud, muffled bang off in the distance. The entire castle seemed to shake violently as if it were under siege from a powerful earthquake, and then instantly returned to normal.
The second it did, however, there was the distinct sound of brimstone collapsing onto the ground.
“What the fuck was that?” Ira demanded.
“I dunno,” I admitted, “but it came from the northwest quarters of the castle.”
“Mephisto!” Liby gasped. “That’s where Mephisto’s quarters are located!”
I drew the Unhallowed Sword from my belt and took off in the direction of the Master of Whispers, with my posse right behind me.
When we finally arrived at the northwest quadrant of my castle, we saw what we’d feared.
The entire roof and eastern side of the wall had been destroyed. Broken bits of brimstone littered Mephisto’s room like a toppled Jenga tower, and the Master of Whispers himself was trapped underneath a pile of rubble, with his hand being the only part we could see.
A horrific, human-like shriek rang out from above, and my eyes darted up to see a figure looking down on us from the remnants of the roof.
“What the fuck … ” I groaned as I took in what I was seeing.
The creature was nearly six feet tall and covered with dark black fur. His chest was thick and bulky like that of a football player’s, and he stood leaning against his muscular arms. The creature’s hind end was much more narrow and tiny, but I could still see razor-sharp claws attached to its feet. This thing’s face was flat against the bushy, red-and-black fur of his head, and I seriously wondered if he even had a nose at all.
Then it smiled at us.
The monster grinned, and his pearly white fangs stood out like a speck of blood in a pile of snow.
“That’s a fucking Lakhey, bro,” Todd muttered. “I totally didn’t think they were real.”
Shit. There was no false alarm this time.
We were under attack.
Chapter 11
“What are we dealing with here, Todd?” I asked the imp as I stared down our assailant. “You said you knew what this thing was.”
“It’s a Lakhey, bro,” Todd explained. “An ape demon thing from Nipple.”
“Nepal,” Superbia corrected.
“Right,” the imp nodded, “the Nipplese think they’re protectors, but all the shit I’ve watched talks about how that’s all just a front so they can eat the locals without resistance. Poor Nipplese … ”
“Too bad for you, I no pretend now!” the Lakhey snarled in a deep, stupid voice. “I paid to kill Mephisto, and you try and stop me. Now, Lakhey kill you!”
The ape demon somersaulted over the edge of the hole in the roof, caught
the ledge with his hands, and then used his momentum to swing backward. The claws on his feet dug into the bricks in the ceiling, and the monster began to run along the roof, completely upside down.
“Mongo’s on the move!” Todd exclaimed.
“Light him up!” I commanded.
Instantly, the room was illuminated by a combination of red, yellow, blue, and silver Hellfire. The flaming magic shot across the room at breakneck speed, but the Lakhey was too agile.
Still upside down, he twirled, spun, and sidestepped our attacks as if they had come at him in slow motion. All the while, his lanky arms dragged behind his body like elegant ribbons.
Elegant, hairy ribbons.
“They’re dancing demons, bro,” Todd explained. “I always thought it meant they did like, the Macaraena or some shit like that, but I guess being swift and agile fighters makes waaaay more sense.”
“Sia,” I ordered as the Lakhey continued to dodge our attacks, “go make sure Mephisto is alright. The rest of us will handle this asshole.”
“Jacob,” Cupi gasped as she watched the Lakhey flip down onto the floor about fifty feet away from us, “this guy is one of the most feared assassins known to Demonkind. How are we supposed to take him on?”
“That right,” the monkey-man announced proudly as he beat his chest. “Lakhey number one!”
“Pffffft,” I guffawed at his comment. “Tell me, Mr. Lakhey … are you a Demon Lord?”
“It not matter,” the Lakhey retorted. “Me am strongest, fastest, most powerful killer. Puny succubi no match for me.”
“That’s the thing … ” I grinned and looked around at my friends. “You’re not dealing with succubi any more. You must have a death wish, because you just ran straight into a building with a Demon King and not one, not two, but eight Demon Lords.”
The cocky look on the Lakhey’s face completely disappeared, replaced with a twinge of fear. However, he still tried to play it cool.
“You not know what Lakhey capable of!” he demanded angrily. “I kill hundreds of dozens of demons and humans. Now, I kill you too!”
“Man,” Todd whistled. “This guy may look like King Kong’s trailer-park cousin, but he’s a fucking idiot. Permission to cock-slap him around, Jakey?”
“Kick his ass, Todd,” I said with a sly nod.
“Imp hurt Lakhey?” the assassin chuckled. “There no way--”
Before he could even finish his sentence, Todd surrounded himself with black Hellfire, rose up into the air, and shot over to his enemy like a bullet. There was a spray of crimson mist as Todd hit the fucker with his claws, and the Lakhey’s head whipped back around with five massive gashes across his face.
“Imp hurt Lakhey!” he roared with rage. “Now imp get crushed like bug!”
“Should we help him?” Cupi asked.
“Not yet,” I reassured her. “I want to see how powerful he is now.”
The demon ape lashed out at the swooping imp with his ribbon-like arms and razor-sharp fangs, but all he caught was air.
Finally, Todd’s hand lit up with silver Hellfire.
That was definitely new.
“Check it out, Jakey!” the imp giggled as he dodged the Lakhey’s blows. “Now, it’s gonna look like I’m getting a handjob from Rosie the Robot!”
I honestly didn’t know if that was supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing. All I wanted to know was how Todd’s silver spell was going to be different than mine or Invidia’s.
It didn’t take long to find out.
As the imp swooped down at the Lakhey, he tossed a ball of the glowing fire directly into its face.
The demon stumbled back for a moment, and then his beady eyes turned a dark shade of red. The Lakhey tried to take another swipe at Todd, but his timing was way off. Punches were missing the imp by a mile, and they all looked like they were moving in slow motion. Almost as if …
No fucking way.
“Todd?” I gasped. “Did you just insta-stone that guy?”
The imp floated down above the assassin’s head and cackled as he watched the ape demon try in vain to grab him.
“Sure as fuck did, bro,” he confirmed. “How fucking cool is that?”
“Please use that spell on me!” Tris begged. “Like, pleassssseee. An even easier way to get high? Sign me up.”
“That’s nothing, bro,” Todd announced, and then he summoned red Hellfire into his hand. “Watch this. The Toddster’s fire has gotten a little more juice, too.”
The Lakhey sluggishly tried to reach up for the imp once more, but his actions were cut short by the basketball-sized fireball that hit him in the face. He screamed as he fell back onto his ass and slapped at the flames furiously.
“Holy shit, bro,” Todd whistled. “Did I just take out the terror of Nipple all on my own?”
“I knew you could do it.” I smiled. “You’re a fucking Demon Lord now.”
“Damn it,” Ira sighed. “Those wounds look like they’re going to be fatal. I kinda wanted a chance to play around with him for a bit.”
“You’ll get that chance,” I confirmed and turned over to see what Sia was doing.
The redheaded madame now had Mephisto out of the rubble and was healing him with her warm, golden spell.
“Superbia!” I commanded. “When you get a chance, can you—”
Sia already understood what I was getting at, and she smiled devilishly at the prospect. Then she extended her shimmering hand toward the Lakhey and blasted him with her healing spell from all the way across the room.
That was definitely new.
The fire on the Lakhey’s face instantly went out, and his ugly mug returned to its original state. He was totally confused by what was going on, but he sprang to his feet anyways.
“What the Hell you do?” he demanded. “Lakhey thought--”
Without warning, the glowing, green, double-sided dagger of Invidia shot across the room and stabbed the bastard in the neck.
It took him a second to process what had just happened, but then his eyes went wide as the enchanted weapon was called back to its owner. As soon as the blade was yanked out of his neck, a geyser of blackish-red blood erupted from the wound.
However, he didn’t even have enough time to die.
Invidia dashed over to the fucker, hit him with silver Hellfire, and separated his soul from his body. Before the Lakhey’s empty shell could collapse, Invidia caught her blade, flipped it around, and then stabbed it repeatedly into the demon ape’s chest. Then she hit him with another blast of silver, and his soul returned.
The Lakhey tried to let out a gasp of pain, but his punctured lungs wouldn’t allow it. Instead, his eyes went wide as he crumpled to the ground and began to gasp for air as he bled out.
“Shit, bro,” Todd whistled. “Remind me to never insult Elvira’s taste in music like, ever again.”
We still weren’t done here. I wanted to see what each and every one of my new Demon Lords were capable of. So, I nodded to Sia, and she responded with another spray of golden flames.
“W-Why you do this?” the Lakhey demanded as he was reanimated. “Why you no let me die?”
“You wanna die?” I mocked. “I thought you were supposed to be a powerful demon assassin? Tris, your turn to show him your power.”
“Hell to the yeah!” The Sister of Sloth lazily skipped toward the Lakhey and unleashed a flurry of bullets from Harold and Kumar. The fire-encased projectiles shot across the room like a swarm of angry hornets, intent on tearing their target to shreds.
The Lakhey attempted to jump up out of the way of the incoming assault, but he wasn’t anywhere near fast enough.
Gore sprayed across the floor of Mephisto’s quarters as the demon ape was riddled with the enchanted bullets. His eyes rolled back in his head, and then his swiss-cheese of a torso landed in the pile of his own viscera with a wet plop.
“Well crap,” Tris sighed. “I think I may have actually killed him. Easy mode. I can’t believe how much more p
owerful I am now.”
“Not a problem.” I shrugged. “Now would be a good time to see if your necromancy powers have gotten stronger.”
“Touché, my dude,” the brunette agreed, “touché.”
Tristitia opened up her palm, summoned forth orange Hellfire, and then surrounded the Lakhey’s remains with its life-giving shimmer.
Suddenly, the demon’s eyes shot open. He frantically looked down at what was left of his torso and let out a scream of horror.
“Don’t worry,” I reassured the assassin, “Sia can fix you all up.”
“N-No!” the assassin pleaded. “Me no wan--”
Sia’s spell surrounded the Lakhey’s body, and his was quickly restored to full health.
This time, however, he wasn’t going to wait around for us to attack. He made a running start for the hole in the ceiling he’d entered from, and his arms dangled behind him as he ran. Once he got close enough, the demon ape sprang up into the air, extended out his hands …
And was then hit with a blast of Cupi’s freezing spell.
The blue Hellfire struck the Lakhey’s arms with its icy embrace and turned them completely into ice. His appendages smashed into the side of the wall and then shattered into a million pieces. With nothing left to grab with, he smacked into the brimstone face-first and tumbled downward.
Right into Cupi’s polearm.
The blade of the weapon fanned out as it expanded through his chest. Then, without missing a beat, Cupi spun around and used her weapon like a makeshift catapult. She slammed the bleeding demon into the walls repeatedly, all while he tried in vain to pull himself off the polearm.
Finally, Cupi stepped up to the bastard, summoned blue flames into her hand, and froze his right leg. Next, she spun around acrobatically and struck the frozen appendage with the blunt end of her weapon.
The Lakhey’s leg exploded into a mess of ice and gore, and he fell down onto his knees.
Gula swooped in with her massive battle axe, hauled it back, and then lopped off the fucker’s head.
“That’s gonna be waaaay harder to fix, bro,” Todd observed. “Even if you get it back to life, it’s gonna be all Evil Dead up in here.”
