by M. Robinson
“You want to know what the most frightening thing is, it’s change. Even though it happens every single fucking day, it still scares the shit out of us. That’s the difference between you and I. I look for change in my life, I am not scared of anything and I didn’t inherit that from you, Daddy. Call my mother whatever you want, but at the end of the day, I am The Madam,” I reminded.
He looked up at me. “I won’t be around for this. If you continue, I won’t see you again.”
“Is that supposed to stop me?” I laughed. “You haven’t been around my entire life; your threats don’t mean shit to me. Do you understand? You gave me life and that’s as far as it goes,” I stated.
The worst part of this whole conversation is that I didn’t mean one fucking word I was saying. As much as my father hadn’t been in my life, I still wanted the bits and pieces that I did have. He was the only family I had.
But…I don’t do ultimatums for anyone. I don’t care who you are.
He stood up, walked over to me, and pulled me into a hug.
“I can’t do it again. It’s like I am staring into the face of your mother. I have always been a selfish man and I never did right by you. I am fully aware of that, but I just can’t do it. You will always be the best thing I created. I have no one to blame but myself for the outcome of your life. I cannot stand around and watch it go down…I just can’t. My only hope is that one day you will understand and you will forgive me, Lilith,” he whispered in my ear.
I awkwardly wrapped my arms around him and he squeezed me harder. I could feel the tears coming down his face. We broke away from each other and he kissed my forehead, both cheeks, and the tip of my nose before he turned and walked out of my life.
I sat back in my office chair and overlooked my empire.
I had the world at my disposal. Absolutely anything I ever wanted I could have. Except love…
I was alone.
I shed one lonely tear and swore to myself that I would never cry for another man again.
Chapter 24
The year was 1992 and I was thirty-two years old. It had been five and a half years since I had taken over. The last five were probably the most pivotal in my growth as The Madam. I built a solid foundation for VIP with the clients, the city, and of course the girls. Miami changed in more ways than one. On August 24th of that year, hurricane Andrew made his appearance known to all of Florida, especially Miami, causing over twenty-five billion dollars in damage alone. It was the strongest hurricane to hit Florida in thirty years. The downfall was severe.
Miami was completely unprepared for a hurricane of that measure, during and after its effect. The city was in debt and it took a really long time for it to get back on its feet; slowly but surely it did. However, just because the city was in debt didn’t mean people weren’t spending money. The rich always get richer; it’s a well-known fact, the reality of life, my friends.
The nineties were also the time of mainstream sex. The seventies and eighties did everything behind closed doors. The nineties said “fuck that”. Women wore bikinis that showed off everything, thongs became a thing of the norm, including women walking around topless on South Beach. Playboy took over the world; it was everywhere. Hugh Hefner was the man of the hour, his empire was everywhere and it did wonders for VIP.
The nineties were also the time for blondes to have more fun, they were everywhere and men were crazy about them! They all wanted the California girl, and the face of beauty was a needle and a scalpel away from being you. Plastic surgeons were all over South Beach. Everyone wanted a quick fix. It started the era of instant gratification; from cell phones, to the internet. VIP became much more accessible to old and new clients. I had all black business cards made up with silver VIP lettering on the front and the number and address on the back. It gave clients the liberty to market for me without me having to lift a finger.
It was genius.
I spent most of my time in my office believe it or not. VIP almost ran itself…almost.
The door opened and Mika walked in with coffee in one hand and a box of donuts in the other.
“Get that shit out of my office, Mika. You know I can’t eat that, but I will take the coffee.” He sat down in the chair and opened the box; I could smell the calories from behind the desk.
“You never fucking eat, Angel. A donut isn’t going to kill you and you’re gorgeous, so shut it,” he said.
I rolled my eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you and to bring you breakfast. You’re welcome.” He grinned.
I rolled my eyes again. “Seriously…what are you doing here?”
“I came to ask you something.”
“You could have picked up the phone.”
“I wanted to see your face. I miss it.” He smiled at me again.
“Sweet talking me isn’t going to get you what you want. Just come out with it. I don’t have time to fuck around today. I have a plane to catch in a few hours,” I announced, trying to make sure I had all the paperwork I needed.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“Switzerland,” I responded.
“Want some company?”
“No,” I said without hesitation. “It’s not that kind of trip.”
“All the more reason for me to come. Literally.”
I laughed, “Oh my God! What do you want?”
“Fine. There’s a gala in a few months; I want you to go with me.”
I raised an eyebrow. “That’s what you came over here to ask me?”
“Mmm hmm, Scouts Honor,” he said, raising three fingers together in the air.
“I have to check my schedule but some of the girls are going, I can set you up with one of them,” I stated, trying to dismiss him.
“Angel,” he said in the tone that made my panties wet. “If I wanted one of the girls I would have asked for one. I didn’t. I want you.”
I sighed. “Mika, I don’t have time for your shit today. I told you that I would see if I could; if I can’t, then you’re out of luck.”
“Then make time,” he demanded.
This was Mika to a T. You would think that over the years, I would have gotten used to him playing games with me, but it was quite the opposite. He didn’t pussy foot around. The more I ran and pushed him away the harder he pursued, that’s definitely one thing I learned about him. It was just easier to give him what he wanted and I got used to digging myself deeper into a hole with him.
I was already ten feet under, how much further could I possibly go?
“I told you. I will see.” I smiled and my phone rang. I quickly answered it, trying to get Mika out of my office. The fucker leaned further back in his chair, folded his arms, and put his legs up on my desk. My eyes widened as I continued my phone conversation and all he displayed was a smug look on his face. I flicked him off and he laughed. I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote on it.
L: Get your feet off my desk.
M: Make me.
L: You are incorrigible. Fine. I’ll go.
He grinned and left my office.
<>-<>-<>-<>
Two months came and went and The Gala was upon us. It was a fundraiser for Hurricane Andrew and the wealthy of Miami came out to share their support, and by that, I mean their checkbooks. I dressed in a strapless lavender fitted gown that was low cut, and my hair flowed loosely in large curls. Mika dressed in a black tux with his hair tied back in a ponytail. He looked good enough to eat.
I had several girls working the event and they were all dressed to the nines. My girls were dime pieces, every last one of them. The night started off with its usual antics, mingling like you pretended to care what they were saying. I had that down to an art, as did Mika. We worked the room ridiculously well together and I always had men eating out of the palm of my hand.
We were about midway through the night when I felt something shift. Call it a sixth sense, woman’s intuition, or just basic instinct. Someone tapped on my shoulder and Mik
a and I turned. I recognized the man immediately; he was high profile in Miami and one of VIP’s regular clients. I smiled when he leaned in to give me a kiss on both cheeks.
When we pulled away from our embrace, my eyes caught something from across the room and I couldn’t turn away. I watched the next few seconds of my life happen in slow motion. He was speaking to me, but I didn’t hear a word that came out of his mouth. All I could hear was the sound of my heart beating its way out of my chest. My ears were ringing from the palpitations and I could feel my mouth hang open. It was the first time that I wanted the earth to literally open up beneath me and swallow me whole.
We stared into each other’s eyes as the whole room seemed to disappear in the background.
We knew who we were to each other.
All the memories came tumbling down on me and I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was suffocating from the emotions that I felt in a split second, all of them hitting me at once, one right after the other. I hadn’t felt any of it in almost two decades. I didn’t think it was possible to feel so much and not physically die.
I told you I never saw him again.
I wasn’t lying.
Lilith didn’t ever see him again.
The Madam did.
Julian…
Chapter 25
We continued to stare at each other from across the room, and our connection was strong and evident. We couldn’t take our eyes away from each other. There was this imaginary line that was pulling deep within my bones. I felt it in every part of me. It was flashes of a life that wasn’t mine anymore. I wasn’t that person. I hadn’t been that person in a very long time. It didn’t change the fact that he was there and so was I.
I could hear Mika saying my name in the back of my mind, it was like I was at the end of a tunnel and he was trying to pull me back in. I was terrified that if I looked away he would disappear, and a huge part of me didn’t want him to leave. I knew that if he left so did everything else, the feelings, and emotions, the physical need to feel something for someone else. The truth that I had been hiding for so long. The fact that I given her up, and that I had no idea if she was dead or alive. I had turned my back on something that I created, something that was mine, and a piece of me.
A part of me died that day and I had just realized it by looking across the room at the person who had helped me create it. I had given life and it was brutally taken away from me. I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran. I ran on pure impulse to pull myself from a situation I didn’t think I could survive. It was fight or flight mentality and I chose the latter. I ran as fast as my legs would allow me to go.
As soon as I felt the strong hand wrap around my arm, I turned around and I fought. I fought with everything I had in me. I pushed, slapped, and hit. I knew it was Julian and I just wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel like he was dying. I wanted him to think that I was fucking burying him in the ground, alive. I wanted to piss and spit on his grave. I punched him in the face with such force that he fell back and I thought I broke my hand. Mika’s arms wrapped around from behind me and lifted me in the air.
“Angel, calm down,” he repeated over and over again.
“You don’t know! You don’t fucking know what he put me through! You don’t know what he did! I fucking HATE YOU! I wish you were fucking dead!” I screamed.
“I’m sorry, kitten. I’m so fucking sorry!” he said.
“Don’t fucking call me that! I was sixteen! I was a fucking child. You could have done something; you could have done anything. You didn’t do one goddamn thing but tuck your tail in between your legs and walk the fuck out. You gave her what she wanted! You let her fucking win! How can you look at yourself in the mirror?” I yelled.
“I have no idea where the fuck she is! I don’t know what the hell happened to her and it’s your fucking fault!” I tried with all the force I had to get Mika to release me, but he wouldn’t. The more I tried, the harder he would hold me.
I hysterically cried big, fat, ugly tears. They poured out of my eyes and the pores of my skin. I was hyperventilating and my vocal cords felt like they were on fire.
“You didn’t do anything, Julian. Nothing. I hate you. I hate you so fucking much because I didn’t do anything either. I let all of it happen right before my very own eyes. I didn’t even get to fucking hold her or say goodbye. I didn’t get a fucking chance to do anything but cry. It was the only day my mother ever allowed me to shed one tear over my loss. I went through it all by myself. You’re to blame for all of it! DO YOU HEAR ME! ALL OF IT!” I shouted. My body couldn’t take it anymore and my legs finally gave out beneath me. I fell to the ground in Mika’s arms.
I cried for it all.
“Her?” Julian said barely above a whisper. I looked up at him and he was crying. He was still one of the most gorgeous men I’d ever seen; he had aged but it only made him look better. I took in his disheveled appearance, he had scratches all over his face and his lip was bleeding. The bruising around his eye was becoming darker and it had a cut from one of my rings.
I slowly nodded. “Get the fuck out of my face.”
“Kitten…”
I cocked my head to the side, “Madam, motherfucker, and if you don’t get out of my face I will destroy you. Do you understand me? You will never be able to show your face in this city again.”
“I’m so-”
“Listen, fucker, you heard her. If she has to say it again you will have to deal with me. Let me tell you a little something about me, I always let my hands to do the talking,” Mika threatened.
Julian placed his hands in the air in a surrendering motion. He wanted to say more, but he succumbed. He took one last look at me before he stepped back and walked away.
I breathed a sigh of relief and Mika picked me up under my thighs and behind my back and carried me to the limo that awaited us. We were back at The Cathouse fifteen minutes later. He carried me inside the house and we went straight for my bathroom. He turned the shower on and undressed me slowly and carefully and then did the same to himself. He helped me into the shower and as the water dripped from my head to my body, I felt like it was washing away all my sins.
Mika washed my hair, face, and body with tender touches and caresses along the way. He kissed all over my face, my neck, and down my body. Anywhere he washed me he would kiss right after. I closed my eyes, taking in the feel of him. Mika and I weren’t like this, we weren’t sweet, caring…loving with each other. That’s not who we were. He treated me like a doll that was going to break at any moment.
The truth was…I was broken.
I just never let myself admit it.
After he dried me and changed me into a silk robe, he put on a pair of boxers and I sat on my bed up against the headboard.
He got up off the bed; I panicked and grabbed his arm. “Don’t leave.”
He lightly smiled, knowing that must have been hard for me to say. “I’m not going anywhere. I was going to get you something to drink. What would you like?”
“Tequila.” He was going to say no but he thought about it before he nodded. He brought back a glass with the bottle of Patrón and handed me both. I grabbed the bottle and he sighed. I took three huge gulps straight from the bottle, so lady-like. It burned the entire way down and after a few seconds, it warmed my insides. I repeated the process three more times.
Have you ever tried to get fucked up when you’re upset? It doesn’t fucking work. I did feel nothing though, and I guess that was something. We stayed silent for a while, just passing the bottle back and forth between each other.
“I’ve lived a really fucked up life, Mika, and at the same time a very privileged one. It’s all I know,” I said in a Tequila haze.
“Angel, no one is perfect and you pretend to be all the time. You are your own worst enemy,” he declared. “What happened back there?” I took a deep breath.
I had never shared this with anyone before. I had never shared a lot of things with anyone before. I trusted Mika,
and somewhere deep within my subconscious and heart, I probably loved him. My guard would never allow me to say that out loud. I wasn’t made like that.
“You know my mother. I don’t have to explain the infant, child, teenager, and adult I had to be. I hated being told what I was allowed to do. I am my mother’s child, after all. When I found out about VIP and what my life would become, I wanted it then, right there at the ripe old age of sixteen. I had a very thought out plan, as best as any sixteen year old girl could have, I guess. I waited till my mother’s eyes weren’t on me for one fucking minute and I took what I wanted. Julian wasn’t anybody to me other than someone who gave me attention. Our encounter was brief and he was the first man I ever had sex with.” I took another gulp of Tequila not wanting to say the next words.
“I got pregnant.” I nervously laughed. “What a cliché right? First time I have sex and I get knocked up. Make a very long story short I ended up in a facility where I became someone else’s problem. I went into premature labor, there was a lot of bleeding, and they had to perform a hysterectomy.” I took another two gulps of the Tequila. I really didn’t want to say what was next.
“I can’t have children, Mika. I have no one to leave this empire to. I watched my child through a window in an incubator on machines that helped her stay alive. I never got to touch or look at her face. You could put hundreds of baby pictures in front of me and I couldn’t pick which one belonged to me.” I bit my lip, trying to control the tears that were threatening to flow. I cried enough that night. I wouldn’t allow for it to happen again.
“And Julian?” he questioned with some hesitation.
“He didn’t do one fucking thing to stop my mother. He signed all the necessary paperwork to make the baby and I go away. Tonight was the first time I had seen him since the day he walked out on his mistake.” I tried to take another gulp and Mika took the bottle away.
