“Their mom had left them alone in an apartment—they don’t know how long. Ayla was almost two. Old enough to remember, at least emotionally.”
Jax nodded.
“I knew all kinds of things rationally. That Regan was too young to know she had a sister. That it was likely Ayla would have attachment disorder, and there would be problems down the line.”
“Hey.” Jax put his hand behind Oz’s neck and pulled him forward into a hug. “I said I didn’t want to be the reason for anybody’s tears.”
Oz realized one might have leaked out. He’d made up his mind to put them first from the minute he decided he wanted to raise a child. But he’d never had to weigh that against something he wanted as much as he wanted Jax.
“You’re already pretty damp.” Jax lifted his head from Oz’s shoulder.
“Hazards of childcare.”
“Something you mentioned back in October, along with ‘their needs come first.’”
“Yeah.” Oz met Jax’s gaze, arms around Jax’s waist.
“It was a lot all at once. I get that.”
Oz let go and stepped back. Jax wasn’t saying anything Oz hadn’t thought of on his way downstairs, but some ridiculously emotional part of him wished Jax wouldn’t make it so damned easy. He could at least act disappointed that the sex Oz wasn’t in any shape for wasn’t going to happen.
“So.” Jax’s voice was thick, and he had to stop to clear his throat, but it didn’t make Oz feel any better. Neither did the thin smile Jax couldn’t even fake decently. “You’ve still got my number. Keep in touch.”
Chapter 19
“KEEP IN touch?”
Jax almost tripped backward at the unexpected flash of anger on Oz’s face. Jax had thought he was handling things pretty well, considering Oz had been the one pushing toward something more than fucks and now they weren’t going to be doing either. But Jax got that the kids came first.
Oz followed up by demanding, “Is that it? It’s complicated, so you’re not interested?”
“No. I mean, yes, I’m—you’re the one who was giving me a big explanation why we had to back off.”
“A big explanation?”
Hadn’t it been? The stuff about how Oz adopted the girls. Well, Jax guessed it had been Oz and Joaquín, but it sounded like mostly Oz.
“If that’s what you think what I told you was, just some kind of explanation or excuse—” Oz’s voice was hard.
“No. You don’t owe me—” Everything was coming out wrong. Jax let out a deep breath. “I’m trying to help. Not piss you off.”
“I’m not pissed off.”
Jax felt his forehead ripple as his brows climbed toward his hairline.
“Okay,” Oz admitted. “But I’m not angry. I’m frustrated.”
“Me too, I guess.”
“You might think, after yesterday and meeting Joaquín, that I do things without thinking them through, but that’s not true. I—Jax, being bare in you, you said it was the first time you did that, and for me, that’s not something I do either. It meant something to me, means something to me. And inviting you here, with Ayla and Regan, that means something too.”
That all made sense. “I get that.” Would Jax have said it was fine, let Oz keep going without a condom, if he was some random hookup? Definitely not. And the kids. Jax knew how important they were, that Oz wouldn’t have invited Jax over tonight if it was only about orgasms.
After that first minute of panic when Regan snuggled up on him—Oh shit, what the hell do I do now?—Jax had felt like he might not suck at the whole being-around-kids thing. Not that he had a ton of experience with what nonsitcom families were like, but he was thinking he could learn.
Then he’d heard Ayla crying like the world was ending and knew it was his fault. He got where she was coming from. He’d never stopped resenting the show that had replaced Family Daze in its old time slot, had had to remind himself it wasn’t any of the actors’ faults when he’d see them on calls. Ayla was missing a dad. She had way more reason to want Jax’s head on a platter.
“You asked me what I wanted,” Oz said. “I’m asking what you want.”
People didn’t ask Jax that. Come to think of it, he couldn’t remember the last time anyone had. He knew Oz didn’t mean Jax’s dream of the superpower to remove carbs from the foods Jax hadn’t been able to eat like he wanted since his metabolism shifted, but Jax didn’t know how to answer.
He knew what he didn’t want, thanks to Oz. He didn’t want the good-bye he’d been choking on a few minutes ago. Even if Oz had been a little scary all mad—frustrated, whatever—Jax was glad Oz had called him on it, stopped the noble gesture.
“I don’t want things to be over between you and me. But like I said, I don’t want to be the reason for your daughter to cry. I know they’re your priority.”
“Like your career is to you?”
Jax didn’t know about that. It wasn’t as if he had one to brag about at the moment. But he was still trying to make good for his mom. “Kind of. I think that there’s really no such thing as an overnight success. Everyone I know puts the work in. So if you need the time and space—”
Oz stepped into him, pushing Jax’s back into the kitchen counter. After dragging his head down, Oz kissed him. From the first brush of lips, it got messy fast. Hard, wet, hungry. Oz’s tongue drove against Jax’s, rough pressure demanding, and Jax’s body answered immediately. He grabbed Oz’s ass and rolled their hips together.
Oz left biting kisses along Jax’s jaw. “I have had all the fucking time and space I need.”
Jax heard that all the way to his knees. They wanted to bend. He wanted to slide down Oz’s body, drag out his beautiful, fat cock, and suck him dry in the middle of his kitchen.
But when Jax tried to move, Oz kept Jax pinned tight against the counter.
Jesus, some kind of adult he made, forgetting already that there were kids upstairs, right overhead.
Oz cupped Jax’s face, a thumb stroking over his spit-slick lips. Jax licked at it, then sucked it in.
“Fuck.” Oz’s velvety brown eyes shone black as they fixed on Jax’s. Oz took a shuddered breath. “I don’t need more time to know I want to be with you. But I don’t get to make those decisions just for myself anymore.”
Lips tight, Jax drew his mouth off Oz’s thumb. “I know.”
“Shit. Stop being so understanding for a second.”
Jax lifted one corner of his mouth. “You want me to be… frustrated?”
“Maybe.” On his next exhale, Oz’s shoulders sagged. “I want to know that this actually matters to you.”
He knew Oz could feel some of how it mattered to Jax, hard, eager proof. Sex wasn’t the only reason Jax was looking into a close place to sublet, but it still mattered a lot. If he felt this kind of rush with every guy he fucked, they wouldn’t be having this conversation. And he knew it was the same for Oz.
Jax wasn’t Dane, needing to fuck around to keep himself from getting bored, or Gideon, too afraid to admit he felt anything, or Theo, with his big romantic gestures. Jax was practical—stubborn according to some people. And he didn’t leap before he’d looked really carefully at the landing.
He slid his hands up Oz’s back, urging him into a kiss, slow but deep. “It does matter. The whole package.”
IN THE restaurant bathroom, safe from Dane and Gideon’s comments, Jax pulled out his phone and sent an update text to Oz.
Sorry. My friend is really late.
No problem. Meet you when you’re free.
Jax wouldn’t care, but he had to fly out to Vancouver for some voice work, then next week he’d be shooting. Not a lead on a pilot, but playing the obnoxious boyfriend who gets dumped. He only had two scenes, but if he was going to sublet in New York and spend all this time flying back and forth, he needed the work.
It is a problem. I want to see you before I leave today.
It’s only been a couple of days.
Exactly. Daysssssssss.
Not to mention the days coming up when he wouldn’t see Oz—his boyfriend.
It felt illicit, like he was having an affair, hiding out in the bathroom to exchange texts. The alternative was sitting at the table with tension burning through the bonds he’d thought would last a lifetime. Dane and Gideon were doing that thing where they were keeping a secret that would either simmer until they disappeared to fuck or explode into a fight where Jax would be ducking shrapnel as they sniped at each other.
To Jax, it was obvious nothing the three of them said would change Theo’s mind. Jax might think the impulsive, flash mob proposal and now this rush to get married in Hawaii with a daytime talk show filming the ceremony was crazy—and far removed from a rational next step like finding a sublet in Queens—but the three of them should have known once Theo made up his mind he couldn’t be dissuaded. Maybe he was in love for real this time. Not that Gideon could ever be convinced of it. He was still dead set on bringing Theo to his senses.
When you get here, I’ll make it up to you and give you something to hold you for a few days.
As Jax read the message, his dick pulsed and filled. Rearranging his tackle at least gave him some kind of cover as Gideon came in.
“Thought maybe you got lucky.” Gideon stepped to a urinal.
Not yet. “Nope. Theo get here?” Jax started washing his hands.
“No. He’s really taking passive-aggressive to the next fucking level. Christ. Even Dane’s been here five minutes.”
And they all knew Dane made being late part of his rules-kill-brain-cells manifesto.
Gideon turned on the water at the next sink and met Jax’s eyes in the mirror. “Dane look okay to you?”
Now that Jax thought about it, Dane’s green eyes had been a bit bleary, and when he’d finally taken off his knit hat, his curls had been flat, like he hadn’t washed his hair.
“He seemed tired.” Jax smiled at Gideon’s reflection. “Something probably kept him up all night.”
Gideon shot him an expression that managed to suggest Jax was both an idiot and right at the same time. G should have been the actor.
“Maybe Dane’s finally aging like the rest of us. We all have to grow up sometime.” Jax hoped he could get Gideon to back off before Theo got here.
“That’s rich, coming from Peter fucking Pan.” Gideon shook his hands over the sink.
Jax loved Gideon, but damn if he was going to be the peacemaker today if it turned him into a target. Especially not when he was giving up time he could be spending with Oz. Jax remembered the second tumbler of Chivas Regal waiting for Gideon at the table. “Hey, remember when you didn’t drink?”
“Remember when you could still eat bread?”
“Fine. Fuck you too.” Jax tore off a paper towel and wiped his hands dry, aiming the wad at Gideon’s head.
Theo had better show up soon.
When he did—hungover and sporting some ugly high school class ring—he only proved Jax right. Nothing any of them had said made any difference. He was still marrying Kieran, who was apparently younger than even Jax had thought. And doing it in Hawaii on camera for a talk show. At least the four of them would get one last time to hang out together before it all changed.
Theo asked Jax if he wanted to bring a date, and Jax weighed the private thrill of texting Oz in the bathroom against the mocking shit he’d received when he’d said he was seeing someone who lived in New York. Besides, the way things were going, Theo’s wedding was going to be the last time for the four of them to be together.
Jax decided against inviting Oz, which opened him up to another dig from Dane about not coming out publicly. At this rate, they wouldn’t be speaking by the wedding. Even if it was only two weeks away.
Jax pushed Theo out of the booth. “Sorry to run, but I’ve got a—”
“Nooner?” Dane suggested.
They all knew him too well, and Jax had never been able to control the flush on his cheeks.
“I’ve got a plane to catch. ADR tomorrow.” He threw some sound-tech babble at them along with the fifty he put on the table, and hurried out.
TRAFFIC WAS the usual joy. Jax swore if he ever did get another decent part, he was going to negotiate for a full-time driver. Now even meeting Oz at the airport hotel was cutting it damned close to his flight time. Jax still had to return his rental car and needed to find something to put his clothes in besides a shopping bag from Nordstrom’s.
And the whole to-do list was meaningless when he got his hands on Oz in the hotel room.
He’d find a later flight if he had to and wouldn’t care if it routed him through every hub in the country, because he was not leaving this coast without—“Fuck me.”
“Mmm, yeah.” That deep vibration in Oz’s chest went straight to Jax’s balls.
Jax was only going to get to hear that purr through the tiny speakers on his phone for the next two weeks. Why did it matter so much now? They’d been handling—God, Oz was handling him, all right—things fine through long distance before.
But this wasn’t. It was here and now, and Jax was going to store it all up.
Jax stepped back from their kiss to kick out of his jeans. When he straightened from peeling down his boxer briefs, Oz grabbed him from behind, shoving Jax’s shirt up to rake nails over his nipples, cock sliding between his thighs. He concentrated on the feel of it, solid, thick, rocking back and forth, and his ass clenched with need. Sparks of heat spread from where Oz was tugging, pinching Jax’s tits, and from his nape where Oz’s beard scraped and his lips tingled on bare skin.
Bending over, Jax stretched his palms out on the bed. Oz gripped Jax’s hips, wet dick dragging over his taint to press the slick head into Jax’s ball sac. Oz thrust again, snugging his hips up tight and rubbing over Jax’s balls, the base of that heavy cock putting teasing pressure on Jax’s asshole.
“Cocktease,” Jax huffed out.
“You gonna manage standing up?”
As much as Jax wanted to say yes, he knew he’d be climbing up on the bed in a minute. He shook his head and tossed his shirt away while Oz yanked back the covers and dropped to the mattress, running a hand over the dark fur on his chest, down to his dick.
Jax’s mouth watered, and he crawled between Oz’s legs. It always seemed like they were in a rush. Damn Theo and his drama queen lateness. Jax wrapped his hand around the shaft and licked the warm, satiny head.
With a kiss on the slit, Jax looked up at Oz’s face. “Fuck. It never seems like there’s time to appreciate what you’ve got here.”
“Probably because I’m as eager to get my dick up your ass as you are to have it there.”
“Yeah.” Jax stroked and licked again. “There is that.”
“But keep looking up at me like that, and I may just slam it into your throat.”
The filthy promise jolted through Jax, redlining every system with need. He opened his mouth and sucked, then stretched his jaw and took Oz farther in than he’d managed on anyone, gagging and drooling while Oz petted his hair and nudged deeper. Then deeper.
“Swallow. C’mon, babe. Swallow.”
Jax dragged in what air he could get and tried.
“God, yes. So good.” Oz palmed the base of Jax’s skull. “You look so fucking hot.”
Maybe if he wasn’t crouched, he could do better, could unkink his neck to make more room. He bobbed, and Oz tightened his grip on Jax’s neck for a minute before pulling him off with a groan.
“Get up here and kiss me.” Oz reached over his head and grabbed the lube. “Fuck, look at your mouth.”
He hadn’t been blowing Oz for long, but the ache in Jax’s jaw made it seem like it had been an hour. His lips were hot, swollen.
“So pretty.”
Jax slid a hand over Oz’s cheek. It was something he always ached to do when they were video chatting, when their dicks were soft and they were just talking. He wanted to hold this man’s face and kiss the full lips, feel the curves under the pads of his thu
mbs.
“You have no idea how much I miss this—” Jax cut himself off from the rest of it. This face, this smile. You. It all sounded like scripted lines. Too glib to be as real as the tightness in his throat told him it was.
Straddling Oz’s waist, Jax leaned down to kiss him. If he couldn’t make the words come out right, maybe his lips and tongue could get it across another way. Oz’s mouth opened, took Jax in, breaths and tastes tangled together, Oz cradling Jax with arms and chest and legs and body.
Jax ground his hips down, friction relieving some of the ache in his dick, but not the one behind his eyes, in his throat, his upper chest.
Right then he understood some of what Oz had been saying, about this being more than fucking. Because of course he wanted that rush of sensation, the incredible high of Oz pounding into him, but more than that, he wanted to hold him and be held. He wanted to take more than Oz’s dick inside and make them part of each other. Keep them locked together. It wasn’t just about getting to that sweet end together. The end was sweeter because it was them.
Oz’s hands left Jax’s back, and when they gripped his ass, the thumbs pressing on his hole were slick with lube.
As Oz pushed one in, Jax tore free from the kiss to catch his breath.
“Ready?” Oz followed the question with a kiss and a lick of Jax’s neck.
“More than.”
Oz alternated those quick jabs for a minute, a steady stretch, a building excitement. Then both at once, a leap in pressure that brought a sting before easing to the burn Jax loved.
“Yeah. More.” Jax tried to pitch his voice low, but it ranged up as Oz nipped Jax’s throat and worked deeper, thumbs tugging him open. “Yeah. Fuck me. Want to feel you in me all week.”
“Yeah?” Oz moved his mouth to bite at Jax’s jaw. “How much?”
“Every time I move. Want that echo.”
Oz took his hands away. Jax scooted back to watch Oz fill his palm with more lube and stroke it over his cock. His bare cock.
Oz met Jax’s gaze. “Need me to suit up?”
It had only been three days since they had that conversation, so why ask? Right. Quick cleanup. Plane ride. He’d manage.
Risk Everything on It Page 19
