by L. A. Witt
“Tell me if this is too much,” he said.
It was already too much. Way too much. But I just bit my lip and rocked back against him, trying to drive him deeper, because I needed more.
Anthony adjusted his grasp on my hips, and I held my breath.
Please…please…please…
He slammed into me, forcing all the air out of my lungs, and my vision clouded over, and before I could recover he did it again. Deeper, so hard it was almost more than I could take, and when he did it a third time, I couldn’t stop the helpless, choked half sob that escaped my throat. And he still didn’t stop. Didn’t let up. Holy fuck, he didn’t back off at all, and I had never in my life experienced anything so amazing.
I was only distantly aware of Anthony’s fingers digging into my hips. My consciousness was completely consumed by every stroke, every powerful thrust, and he was right: he did know how to make it hurt, and it was perfect. For the first time in my life, sex was perfect. It was right. This was what I had been missing all along, what I’d craved, and if it got any more intense, I was sure I’d shatter.
To hell with it. If I shattered, so be it, because I wanted to know just how painfully incredible this could get.
I shifted my weight onto one arm, intending to reach for my own cock, but a deep thrust knocked me off balance. I smacked my palm against the headboard for support. Cool panic rushed through me but quickly dissipated as Anthony continued fucking me without missing a beat.
“You all right?” He sounded like he’d clenched his teeth.
“Yeah,” I said, still bracing myself against the headboard. “I’m…I’m fine.”
“Good.” He gripped my hips tighter and kept thrusting, kept hitting that perfect spot inside me.
Never in my life had I experienced anything like this. Tears burned my eyes. Sheets bunched in my supporting hand. Anthony was inside me, thrusting to the perfect depth. He stretched me to the very limit, that line where pain was delicious instead of unbearable. Fuck, he was perfect. Our bodies fit together like mine was made for no other purpose than this.
The ache of my impending orgasm bordered on unbearable, but I gritted my teeth and fought my inevitable climax. I didn’t want to come yet. I’d waited too long to feel like this.
Anthony’s hand drifted up the center of my spine, leaving goose bumps standing at attention in its wake, and hooked over my shoulder. Then his other hand followed the same path, but instead of going to my shoulder, it slid up into my hair. He closed his fingers around my hair, and my scalp stung and we both swore and he fucked me harder still.
Everything about this was so, so right. His cock inside me, his iron fist in my hair, and this perfect, natural surrender.
Surrender. That was it. Like no one before him, Anthony subtly, quietly, and unmistakably demanded complete surrender, and I gave it to him. I wanted to. I needed to. If he’d asked me to, I’d have knelt at his feet and begged him to let me. I was completely at his mercy, and there was never a more liberating moment than when I realized that. I’d always had to hold something back when I had sex, but not now.
I just…let go.
Anthony fucked me hard, fucked me deep, and my body ached and my eyes stung and it was perfect.
“Fuck, Jesse…” His strained, breathless voice made me shiver. “Oh my God, you feel…” His fingers twitched on my shoulder and in my hair, and he moaned as he forced himself into me again and again and again. “I’m gonna fucking lose it, Jesse, you’re…oh, God…”
Of everything Anthony did to arouse me, nothing held a candle to the way his trembling, faltering voice chipped away at what little control I had left. Knowing he was close, he was falling apart, he was this turned on, sent me into depths of oblivion I had never imagined possible.
“Come for me, Jesse,” he breathed. “I want…oh, fuck, I want you to come.”
That was all I needed. One more thrust and I lost it. My whole body threatened to come apart at the seams as an orgasm beyond any orgasm I’d ever experienced surged through me, curling my fingers and toes as electricity and fire and ice crashed through my veins. Just as I reached my peak, when I was sure I couldn’t take another second, Anthony forced himself all the way inside me and fucking roared.
I shuddered and struggled just to breathe as the whole room reverberated with Anthony’s release, with his complete, spine-tingling loss of control. His rhythm fell apart with every tremor and every violent, desperate thrust, and his carefully composed exterior fell apart right along with it. God, could this really be Anthony falling to pieces with me? Against me? Inside me? No way. It wasn’t possible. I might have even convinced myself his powerful roar had come from any other man on the planet if not for the distinct smokiness, that roughened edge that said yes, this was pure, unrestrained Anthony.
With one last shudder and a soft sound that might have been a whimper, Anthony slowed to a stop. He leaned over me, his chest warming my back, and his hand came down beside mine on the sheet. He kissed the base of my neck, panting against my sweaty skin. His breathing was unsteady, ragged, and his arm trembled beside mine.
Anthony. Shaking.
I bit my lip and barely kept myself from shuddering. I couldn’t even begin to understand how I had reduced him to shaking and panting, but here he was. Here we were.
He rested his cheek on my back. His hand ran up and down my arm, and I closed my eyes, struggling to comprehend that this warm, gentle touch came from the same hand that had gripped my hips in the throes of such violent, powerful sex.
I shifted my weight onto one hand. No man had ever made me come so hard my eyes teared up, but as I wiped my eyes, my fingers came away wet.
Anthony lifted his head. He dropped a light kiss between my shoulders. “You okay?”
I blinked until my vision cleared, but it quickly blurred again. My heart still pounded. My arms still shook. Was I okay? Oh, God, yes.
I was more than okay.
I thought.
Wasn’t I?
The only thing that made sense right then, the only thing I really understood, was that what had just happened was the kind of sex I’d been waiting for my entire goddamned life.
Chapter Thirteen
Anthony
It had been a foregone conclusion that sex with Jesse would be hot. He was like a powder keg of pent-up sexual frustration, and from that first kiss beside his front door a lifetime ago, I’d been dying to light the fuse.
And now, here we were, in the aftermath: tangled beneath my sheets, long past catching our breath but nowhere near ready to leave. The dust had settled. We’d gotten up on shaking legs, grabbed a long shower together, and settled back into bed, but I swore the air still crackled with electricity.
I needed a cigarette, but I was just too damned comfortable like this. Staring up at the ceiling as I ran my fingers through Jesse’s damp hair, I didn’t want to move. Wasn’t so sure I could, if the ache in my legs and twinge in my hips were any indication. I knew sex with him would be incredible, but what I hadn’t expected was his complete, easy surrender. One minute he was all nerves and apprehension. The next he was quivering muscles and whispered pleas, and nothing in the known universe could turn me on more than that.
I turned onto my side so we were facing each other.
“I still can’t believe you’d never done this,” I whispered, caressing his cheek. “You take so easily to being a bottom.”
He laughed softly and avoided my eyes. “Yeah, well, I’ve always kind of been…afraid to.”
“Afraid it would hurt?”
“Well, that.”
“And?”
Jesse sighed. “This will sound a little ridiculous. A lot ridiculous.”
I propped myself up on my arm. “Try me.”
“I…well…” He chewed his lip. “You know all that crazy stuff I did in college? Everything the tabloids talked about?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Sounded like you had a good time in school.”
He laughed
softly but halfheartedly. “Would you believe that was all a carefully calculated and meticulously executed front?”
“Really?”
Nodding, Jesse ran a hand through his hair. “I made sure people saw me drinking, partying, having one-night stands with women. Dating women, fucking women, being with women.”
“But why?”
He swallowed, and when he met my eyes, I couldn’t decide if he looked sad or exhausted. Maybe both. “Because as long as they were hung up on all the partying I did,” he said softly, “and they were occupied with all the girls I was seeing, then they didn’t notice when I quietly drove to the next town to look for guys.”
“And no one recognized you in the other town?”
He shrugged. “Oh, they did. Do you know how hard it is to have an anonymous one-night stand when everyone everywhere knows your fucking name and face? I was scared to death because there’s only so much ‘oh, I get that all the time’ I could use before people figured out I am Jesse Cameron. No one ever did, not that I’m aware of, but it scared me.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah. And the thing is, whenever I slept with a guy, I was always on top. Not because I was inclined to be, I just had it in my head that I needed to be in control. One hundred percent in control of everything.” He exhaled slowly and closed his eyes. “Like, if I compromised that control for even a second, in any way, something would get out. People would know.” He laughed softly and shook his head. “Doesn’t make sense in hindsight, but I was so scared of someone finding out, I wasn’t terribly rational about it.”
“It doesn’t matter if it’s rational,” I said. “I think every gay man’s been afraid of someone finding out. I know I’ve been there, and I’ve only had to hide it from my parents. Not the public. Or a spouse, for that matter.”
Jesse winced. “Yeah. Be thankful for that.”
“I am,” I said softly. “Speaking of spouses, I’m just…curious.” I ran my hand up and down his arm. “How did things end between you and Simone? I mean, how did she take it, I guess?”
“It was kind of weird how it happened.” He moved a little closer to me and rested a hand on my hip. “Wasn’t exactly how I’d envisioned telling her.”
“How so?”
“We were, well, in bed.” His cheeks darkened, and he swallowed hard. “By that point, I’d been thinking for a long time about telling her, trying to find the right time and wondering how the hell to word it. And I hadn’t been able to bring myself to turn her away, you know, in bed, because going through the motions was just easier.” He went quiet, his eyes losing focus. Then he sighed. “Anyway. I guess she…I don’t know, she picked up on something. Like she realized I was just going through the motions. So she stops, right in the middle of everything, and she looks me in the eye and asks if there’s someone else.”
I blinked. “She thought you were cheating?”
Jesse nodded. “Yeah, and I was horrified. I’d never cheat on someone. I just, I didn’t know how to respond to that. So she said she knew something was going on, something was obviously wrong, and would I just tell her now and be done with it rather than acting like everything was okay.” He moistened his lips, and his voice fell to a whisper. “So I told her.”
“What did she say?”
“She just stared at me for a minute. I mean, we’re literally naked in bed, had just been having sex, and suddenly…I’m gay. I can’t even imagine what went through her head, but it was damn sure the most surreal moment of my life.” He shifted his gaze away from me and chewed his lower lip. His eyebrows knitted together like this entire train of thought physically hurt him. Barely whispering, he said, “And all I could think was how she was going to hate me, and why didn’t I tell her a long time ago instead of hurting her like this. But then she asked me how long I’d known, why I hadn’t told her, all of that. She wasn’t angry or defensive, just kind of stunned, I guess.”
“Can’t say I blame her.”
“Neither can I. Anyway, we got dressed and spent the rest of the night swimming in a bottle of I don’t remember what. Next morning we talked it over, and, I mean, there really was only one conclusion we could come to. But then Simone brought up the fact that I’d been talking about running for office, and how would this affect things, and…” He exhaled hard and made a sharp gesture with one hand. “We got advice from Roger, and now here we are.” He looked up, and when our eyes met, he added with a soft laugh, “He’ll be pissed if he finds out I’m here, though.”
“Yeah,” I said. “God forbid he finds out either of us are here.”
“Does he even know you’re gay?”
“Ooh no. Not Roger.” I absently ran my fingertips along Jesse’s jaw. “Though I’ve always been pretty ambiguous with all my candidates about my personal life. Never put up any kind of smoke screen or anything, just didn’t say anything about it and politely declined whenever someone tried to hook me up with their niece or whoever.”
“Smart move,” he muttered.
“Out of curiosity, when did you realize you were gay?” I asked. “Before or after you were married?”
“I’ve known I was gay since…shit, I don’t remember not being into men. It just took a while to figure out I wasn’t into women.” He laughed humorlessly. “Apparently my little meticulously calculated charade fooled me as much as anyone else.”
“But what about Simone?”
He ran his fingers through his damp hair again. “I connected with her in a way I never had with anyone else before. I thought, I guess, that meant I was in love with her. But I think we just understood each other. With her, it was the closest I’d ever come to not having to fake it, and not just sexually.”
“What do you mean?”
“I guess, she and I were both just…lost. We were both screwed up in the head, didn’t know what the fuck we were doing or where we were going. We had our careers on pretty solid paths, but we both came from fucked-up families, we both had the media breathing down our neck over every little move we made, and at least when we were together, we could ignore all that for a while. We could just talk and interact like a couple of normal people without judging each other for all the less than normal shit. And even after the cracks started showing, we still had that. Hell, we still do now. We’re great friends and always will be, there was just that one minor detail that made being married…not work.”
“And even with the divorce looming,” I said, making sure my voice was gentle and didn’t sound accusatory, “you both still thought this campaign was a good idea?”
Jesse scowled. “I knew it wasn’t. Deep down, I knew. And I was going to hold off on running for office for a while, but then Casey started making noise about running. Simone suggested getting Roger’s advice about the election in light of the two of us divorcing. Neither of us were thrilled about his suggestion but couldn’t very well argue with it either.”
I exhaled sharply. “Pity Roger didn’t come to me before offering advice.”
“What would you have suggested?”
“Divorce your wife,” I said. “Then run for office. Don’t address your personal life, don’t draw any attention to it, and by all means, don’t try to mislead the public. As it is, if you come out after you’re elected, you could wind up getting impeached. Legally it doesn’t matter what you do in private, but it does matter if you lie to the public about it.”
Jesse groaned and rubbed his forehead with the heel of his hand. “Why the fuck would Roger have me do things this way, then?”
Oh, I could think of a few reasons, I wanted to mutter. Instead I just said, “Because when it comes to campaign strategies, your uncle is an idiot.”
Jesse laughed. “And here I always thought he was good at it.”
“Oh, he’s good at campaigning,” I said. “He’s just a moron when it comes to campaign strategies. He’s got charisma. I mean, the man could sell shit to pig farmers while convincing the unemployed that the economy is booming. But believe me, when he’
s campaigning, he doesn’t say anything about anything unless he’s run it by me first. Policies and crisis solutions? That’s all him. But who to talk to and what to say to woo the voters? Not a word without my say-so. Which is why I was so fucking pissed he’d put your marriage front and center before he brought me on board.”
Jesse cocked his head. “But you didn’t know my marriage was…well…”
“No, I didn’t. But even if you had the marriage he’s insisted you portray, it shouldn’t have been part of the campaign strategy until I’d gotten involved. And most likely I wouldn’t have put a spotlight on it. Had the two of you show up at events, yeah, but it isn’t something that needs to be shoved down the public’s throat. Especially when there are problems behind the scenes.” I paused, pursing my lips. “And if I’d known this would be detrimental to Simone’s health…”
“Yeah, I know,” he whispered. “And once the cat’s out of the bag, why do I get the feeling that once I’m elected, I could single-handedly reverse the state’s economic problems overnight and this could still kill my career?”
“Because that’s exactly the case,” I said.
“Lovely,” he muttered.
“Once you and Simone divorce, you’ll be under some scrutiny for a while. Are you going to come out then?”
“I don’t know. The public will probably flip out.”
“They’ll flip out if you come out then; they’ll flip out if you come out later.”
“So I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.”
I nodded. “Welcome to politics. Whatever the case, we’ll need to be careful.” I trailed my fingers down the side of his neck. “Extra careful.”
“I don’t imagine this will get any easier after the election,” he said. “Seeing each other, I mean.”
“Not if you get elected, no.”
Jesse smirked. “Well, I could lose, so then we—”
“The fuck you will.” I laughed.
He chuckled, but it didn’t last. “All joking aside, I’m scared to death of coming out publicly, but it’s not just because of what it’ll do to my political career.”
