by Linda Ford
She swallowed loudly. “He has. And I know I should trust Him more but sometimes it’s hard. Every time I lose someone I lose a part of my heart. How many times can a piece be torn off before I have nothing left?” Perhaps she’d already reached that point.
His hand warm and firm against hers offered something she wanted though she could not for the life of her say what it was. Nor could she explain why she turned her palm to his and gripped his hand so hard she wouldn’t blame him if he withdrew. To her immense relief, he only squeezed back as if offering her a lifeline.
“Loss hurts,” he said softly, his voice like a balm. “And I believe it leaves a scar but don’t they say that scar tissue is stronger than untested flesh?”
“Scar tissue is ugly and inflexible.”
He considered her, his eyes so probing that she wondered if he saw right to the center of her heart where she had buried secrets. And denied dreams.
“I would venture to say we can’t get through life without some scarring.” His words reminded her of what Pa said. Life goes on.
She looked at the little shirt and the pair of trousers in her lap. “We need to get Evan to bed.” She pulled her hand back and got to her feet, intending to rush to the kitchen. Instead, unable to explain her actions to herself, she waited until he rose and they went side by side. He held back at the door and let her go first.
The storybook stood on the shelf and she pulled it down. There was still hot chocolate left and she divided it three ways and gave everyone two cookies then sat down to read the next story.
Her thoughts refused to obey her and concentrate on the words she read.
She did not want any more scar tissue. Did not want the wounds that led to the scars. Did not want the loving that made the wounds possible.
Except that meant she would not have known Mama’s love. She couldn’t regret that.
The one love she did regret was the one she’d given much too freely to Rudy.
She finished the story, knowing what it was about only because she’d heard it many times before.
Hugh prayed.
His words of blessing and trust replaced her troubled thoughts.
“Time for bed, son.” Hugh spoke so gently, kindly to Evan that a yearning rose up inside Annie.
She pushed it away. No reason she should wish for that same regard. It wasn’t as if she didn’t know love and caring from her pa, her grandfather and her brothers.
Evan sat immobile on his mat and Hugh scooped the boy into his arms.
Evan struggled.
Annie followed the pair as far as the bedroom door then turned and fled back to the living room where she gathered up the picnic remains and took them to the kitchen. She was still there, putting away the last of things when Hugh returned.
“He’s already curled up with the quilt tucked around him. Did you think he put up less of a fight tonight?” The desperate hope in his voice drew her gaze to him.
Poor Hugh. How it must hurt to see his son like this. To wonder if Evan would ever be normal.
She smiled at him. “Remember the advice you gave me.”
His eyebrows went up and his eyes begged for explanation…and something more.
She swallowed hard, knowing he wanted her to offer him encouragement. “We can count on God’s faithfulness.” She meant he could. It was too late to change her words. The way his face relaxed made her not want to. “God answered our prayers in finding him. I know God’s not finished yet.”
“I know it too. Thanks for reminding me.”
Their gazes came together in a gentle melding of hope and faith.
“God is faithful,” he said.
Annie wondered why his voice sounded so distant. Why she couldn’t remember that she didn’t want to care about him. Why it mattered if she did.
Right now it felt like the best thing she could dream of.
He shifted his attention away. “Are you done in here?” He looked around the kitchen.
She pulled her thoughts back into order. “I’m done.”
“Did you want to sit by the fire a spell?” He tilted his head toward the living room to indicate which fire he meant.
It sounded like a fine idea. A perfect way to end the day. Then her senses returned. It was the worst idea. She must guard her heart and her mind. “I think I’ll retire for the night.” She slipped away before he could say anything.
Before she could change her mind.
And she wouldn’t allow herself to think there was a sad note in his voice as he called, “Good night,” down the hall.
Chapter Seven
Hugh cradled his hands behind his head and stared at the darkened ceiling of his bedroom. Evan snuffled in his sleep. Hugh listed all the ways the boy had shown improvement. He could thank Annie for Evan’s progress. The book she’d given him lay on the table by his bed. He would turn on the lamp and read from it except he didn’t want to waken Evan.
Every one of Annie’s words trooped through his head. One statement stalled there. Every time I lose someone I lose a part of my heart. How many times can a piece be torn off before I have nothing left? Those words explained why a beautiful young woman would be so insistent on a marriage of convenience. She feared love because of the risk of loss and pain. That Rudy fellow must have hurt her deeply.
It didn’t change anything. In time her heart would heal and she’d want more than Hugh could offer her. There were many things about her he admired—and he would not list them again—but it would not be fair to chain her to a man like him with a child like Evan.
Yet he fell asleep with a smile on his lips as he thought of the many little joys she had brought into his life in only three days. And he woke with the same smile.
As he lay in the quiet stillness of morning, he reminded himself of all the reasons he must remain guarded for her sake, his sake and the sake of a little boy. He turned his thoughts to what lay ahead for the day. Sunday services. His sermon. What about Evan? He couldn’t imagine dragging the little guy to church.
He heard pots rattle and bolted from his bed with the question hammering in his head. What was he going to do about Evan?
The boy stirred, opened his eyes and sat up. He took one look at his papa and scurried to the kitchen.
Hugh took his time getting dressed and followed more slowly. At the smiling welcome on Annie’s face, his worries lifted. He realized he counted on her to help him find a solution regarding what to do with his son.
She poured him fresh, fragrant coffee and he sat across from Grandfather who held a half-empty cup.
“Today is Sunday,” he said quite needlessly.
“Uh-huh,” Grandfather grunted.
Annie hummed a tune he recognized as “Rock of Ages.” A good reminder that he could trust God for the details of his life.
She turned from the stove and squatted close to Evan. “Evan, today is Sunday. Your papa is the preacher. I’ve heard him. He’s a pretty fair speaker.”
He heard the approval in her voice. She was close enough he had only to lift his hand to touch her but, instead, he gripped his cup so hard it wouldn’t surprise him if the china shattered.
“Shall we go hear him preach?”
Evan drew back against the wall, pulling the mat and quilt around him like walls.
Annie rose and faced Hugh. “It’s too soon. I’ll stay home with him today.” She squeezed Hugh’s shoulder. “I’m sorry but it will take time.”
Her hand was gone before he could react. It was only a gesture of sympathy. No need for him to think otherwise and he firmly closed his mind to other possibilities.
“I suppose it’s for the best. You sure you don’t mind?”
She chuckled, a sound so pure and sweet he wished he could catch it in a jar and keep it in his office to open and enjoy in the weeks after she left.
Was he really so convinced that she would leave? That it was the best thing? Why was it he could no longer think clearly? He downed the rest of his coffee and went to th
e stove to refill his cup. His elbow brushed hers and every hope of getting his thoughts under control scattered like chaff in the wind.
He hurried back to the table and hunkered over his cup. He would have rushed through breakfast and gone to his office but Annie seemed to think the Sunday morning meal should be a leisurely affair. She took her time about dishing out the food.
“I remember the first time you preached here,” she said as she passed him the salt. “You were so powerful you had me on the edge of my seat the whole time.”
“Sounds uncomfortable.”
She laughed. “Maybe what you said made me uncomfortable.”
He tried in vain to remember what his sermon had been about.
She continued. “Do you recall how you challenged us all to face the future with confidence? You said you were here, expecting God to answer your prayers. That’s when you told us about—” She tipped her head toward Evan.
Hugh studied his small son, who ate eagerly but with less desperation than he had a week ago. It was another encouraging sign. “I don’t know how I could have kept going without knowing I could trust God. When I learned Bernice was dead—” His throat tightened. “It was one of the worst days of my life.” Seeing the way Annie’s smile flattened he realized she would think he meant because of Bernice’s death. “To know my son was missing—” He sucked in air. “I had no idea where he was or how to find him.”
Annie again went to Evan. “I remember when your papa told us he couldn’t find you. He was so concerned and asked us all to pray that God would lead him to you. God answered our prayers and here you are. We are all so happy.” She patted his shoulder.
Evan did not jerk back and Annie turned to Hugh, a tear clinging to her lashes as she offered him a trembling smile. “Did you see that?” she whispered.
“I did.”
Grandfather watched them but Hugh didn’t care if the whole world saw as he reached out and trailed the tip of his finger across under her eyes, wiping away the tears. “God continues to answer my prayers on his behalf.”
“Mine too.” She blinked back the unshed tears and looked at him, so full of joy and gratitude and—
Love?
She loved Evan? Hadn’t she told him she didn’t want to care about anyone again? That she feared having her heart torn to pieces?
His chest muscles constricted. He should never have agreed to this arrangement. Far too many people were going to be hurt. And yet, seeing the joy in Annie’s face, acknowledging how much progress he saw in Evan and even having the kindly presence of Grandfather Marshall, he could not regret it.
Not yet.
“I must prepare for the service.” He hurried to his room, changed into his black suit, brushed his dark hair into place. He went from there to his office to get his notes and his Bible, taking with him the devotional book Annie had bought for him. “Come near, and bless us when we wake, Ere through the world our way we take; Till, in the ocean of Thy love, We lose ourselves in heaven above!” The words stirred within him a desire for God’s blessing and he sat down and turned the pages to the first morning reading. His heart was stirred with a noble theme. He would trust God to direct, control and suggest his every thought and action for God’s honor and glory. That especially meant his feelings toward Annie.
God, help me treat her with the care and concern she deserves. Let me not seek selfish satisfaction. If it be Your will, let her presence here help Evan so that he will be strong enough to deal with a change when she leaves.
When she leaves? An errant wisp of thought intruded. Must she leave?
He sat back. That decision wasn’t his to make but he would not hold her back…not a young, enthusiastic woman like her.
He rose and prepared to go out through the office door then reconsidered and returned to the kitchen. “Grandfather, do you wish to go to church this morning?”
“I’d like to. It’s not far. I think I can bear the cold for the time it takes to cross the yard.”
“Let me go ahead and get the fire going. I’ll come back once the church is warm and help you.”
Hugh told himself he didn’t look to Annie in the hopes of seeing approval fill her eyes. And it did. He grabbed his cowboy hat from the hook, jammed it on his head and carried the warmth of her smile with him to the church where he started a fire in the big stove and glanced about to make sure everything was prepared for the service.
It would take half an hour for the cold to leave the room. Thirty minutes in which he usually sat close to the stove and prayed about his sermon. Today, his feet took him to the windows and he looked through the frost to the manse next door. He could hardly believe how much his life had changed in the space of a week. He forced himself to turn his back and make his way to his customary spot where he sank to the bench and poured out his heart to God, seeking wisdom and self-control. Guidance in how he would inform the congregation about his success in finding his son and his decision to welcome Annie into his home. Welcome? It wasn’t the right word. At least not for his initial reaction and yet it was the right word for how he felt at the moment.
All he could do was pray for God’s help.
A bit later, he realized how warm he’d grown sitting next to the stove with his outer coat still on, but rather than take it off, he returned to the manse. Grandfather pushed to his feet when Hugh stepped into the kitchen.
“I’m ready.”
Annie held his canes as she helped him into his coat. “Now you be careful and watch for ice.”
“Yes, my girl. I will be careful.” He brushed his finger across her cheek. “I plan to be around to keep an eye on you for a long time yet.”
She cautiously leaned forward to kiss his cheek. “I’m counting on it.” She sent Hugh a look that was a little bit grateful and a whole lot warning.
He could almost hear her words. Take good care of him.
Grinning, he looked at Evan and then back to Annie, silently giving her the same message.
Understanding his meaning, she smiled. “We’ll be just fine by ourselves.”
He chuckled. “And we’ll be just fine at church though I venture to say there will be any number of people who’ll wonder at your absence.”
“I’m sure you’ll explain it. In fact, Grandfather, I want a full report of how he tells everyone that I’m living in the manse.”
Hugh sobered. People would understand that he’d been forced to make arrangements for Evan’s care.
Or would they?
He guided Grandfather out the front door and stayed close as they crossed the yard. It seemed to him that the older man moved much slower than he had a few weeks ago. Or was he letting Annie’s worries influence his judgment?
They were the first in the door and Grandfather chose a pew where the Marshall family normally sat. “Sure hope they make it in from the ranch. Seems like a long time since I’ve seen them.”
He patted the man’s shoulder and went to the front to place his Bible and notes on the pulpit. He’d selected the hymns that he wanted and placed the list on the organ for the accompanist. Today, if he remembered correctly, it would be Mary Marshall, Annie’s aunt. No doubt she would want a report on Annie. As would all the Marshalls.
For some reason, the thought of facing them didn’t bother him in the least. In fact, he would suggest they all visit next door and see for themselves how Annie was. He hoped they would be pleased.
Mary and George were the first Marshalls to arrive. George went to his father and inquired as to his well-being. “You could have blown me over with a puff when I heard you and Annie were living in town. Glad you are. Saves you that trip in the cold.”
Logan and Sadie with their three children were next and Logan marched right up to the pulpit. “My sister okay?”
She was doing better than okay. All Hugh said was, “She’s quite fine. You’re welcome to visit any time.”
“I’m very protective of my little sister.”
“Good to hear.”
&n
bsp; Logan barely stepped back before Dawson and Isabelle entered with little Mattie between them, holding their hands and giving them both an eager smile. On their heels came Conner and Kate with baby Ellie wrapped up warmly against the cold. Bud, Grandfather’s other son and father of the Marshall boys and Annie, was away or he would be leading the pack.
They got as far as Grandfather and as a group, drew to a stop and studied Hugh.
Dawson was the first to speak. “Where’s my sister?” Challenge rang from every word.
Hugh stood by the pulpit and leaned one arm on it. “She’s at home with my son. He—”
Grandfather waved a hand to get everyone’s attention. “Annie is at home with little Evan. He isn’t ready to face the public yet. So you can all stop worrying that Hugh is being unfair to our little Annie. Far as I can see, he treats her kindly and with respect. And you can be proud of how Annie is helping Evan feel safe.” With a harrumph, he leaned on his canes.
The brothers hesitated until their wives grabbed their elbows and led them to sit down.
Hugh pretended to study his notes but in reality he was chuckling to himself, feeling as if he had passed a test with flying colors. Not that he didn’t hear the warning that if he should do anything to hurt Annie he would face the combined wrath of the Marshalls.
You’ll never be good enough.
The familiar words came in his mother’s voice. He’d tried to put her disapproval out of his life. He had only to answer to God for how he lived his life. He’d mostly succeeded in believing that was all that mattered until he married Bernice and he’d failed her.
With God’s help, he would not fail his son.
But he wasn’t prepared to incur the wrath of the Marshall family if he should fail Annie in any way. How else to prevent it but to find someone to replace her?
It was surely concern about his son that sent a shaft of pain through his insides.
*
Annie told herself she would not count the minutes until she heard people leaving the church next door. And she surely wouldn’t stare out the window. Though if she did it was only to watch for her brothers and their wives and Carly Morrison. She and Carly were longtime friends. They usually spent Sunday afternoons together.
