by Edward Lang
It always amused me when somebody on this planet busted out a word like ‘stoic,’ seeing that it came from a Greek school of philosophy which had never existed on this planet.
Of course, everybody spoke English here – or so I thought. Maybe they weren’t speaking English at all. Maybe they were saying Bxwbrxt, and the gods who had resurrected me so kindly on a planet of sexy monster girls were just letting my brain interpret Bxwbrxt as the closest word I had in my own vocabulary.
Stranger things had happened.
Like waking up on this planet in the first place.
“Who are you talking to?” Seera demanded after a few minutes of my whispering to Parch.
“He is one of the Returned,” Alia said proudly.
“He is talking to his Messenger from the Gods,” Dyra said.
“Eh – he’s more just like a regular messenger,” I said.
Parch was indignant.
I COULD be a messenger from the gods…
There he went, playing both sides of the fence again. He was a messenger from the gods when it suited him, but I was ‘lying to everyone’ when it didn’t suit him.
So I just ignored him.
I noticed a lot of the female centaurs glance at each other in astonishment.
Seera didn’t say anything, but she didn’t ask any more questions.
As dawn broke, we finally emerged from the forest onto grassy plains.
Arranged in a small village were structures that looked very much like wigwams made out of deer hides.
Except that they were pretty damn big wigwams. Big enough to accommodate centaurs, anyway.
As we emerged from the forest, Seera pulled back her riding cloak and exposed her face.
Holy SHIT she was gorgeous.
She had a thin nose, amazing cheekbones, soft pink lips, and smoldering eyes. Her hair was a chestnut mane of tangled curls. She looked like an Amazonian princess, for sure.
She caught me looking at her and scowled. “What interests you so much, human?”
“My name’s Scott. And I just thought you were gorgeous, that’s all.”
Seera looked startled. She blushed, then turned away abruptly.
“Hey!” Alia said in a miffed voice.
“ANOTHER woman you’re interested in? REALLY?” Dyra pouted.
“Why can’t we satisfy you?” Spirella asked in a forlorn voice.
Great. Jealousy was kicking in again.
The centaurs escorted us to the central wigwam in their village, and we were ushered in past a hanging curtain made of deer hide.
Inside the wigwam, several women were kneeling on the floor. It took a second to get used to the fact that their lower horse halves were kneeling on the floor, which brought their human halves just a little bit lower than my face.
A couple of younger women were on the periphery of the wigwam. They were definitely cute, but the most impressive of the three was the woman kneeling in the center.
She was older than Seera – probably her mid-30s, whereas Seera looked to be in her early 20s. But she was still enormously attractive, with a tangle of black curls and voluminous breasts that were a bit more pendulous than Seera’s firm pair.
If Seera was the gorgeous college coed, then this new woman was the hot MILF.
She also had a regal look to her. She wore a cape made of ermine, soft white with black spots. And there was a bronze circlet on her head.
“What is this?” she asked in surprise as I entered the tent with Seera at my side and my girls following behind me.
The older woman’s voice was warm and honeyed, and her eyes were kind.
“Forgive the early-morning intrusion, Great Chieftess,” Seera said. “We found them while on patrol at the outskirts of our domain. They say that they are enemies of the Imperium and were seeking our help against the necromanceress who has taken over the Grim Keep. The male is apparently one of the Returned, and is in a romantic relationship with the lamia, dryad, arachne – and a female lich.”
Seera emphasized that last part, as though it was particularly important.
The Chieftess stared at her in shock, then looked at me. “Oh my.” Then she seemed to come to her senses, and gestured at the furs strewn across the floor of the wigwam. “Where are my manners? You must be tired. Please, sit.”
The girls and I all settled in on the furs. Seera remained standing.
I took off my helmet and put it on the floor next to me.
As I did so, I noticed that Seera looked at me a little longer than she had before. When I turned to catch her eye, she hurriedly looked away.
Somebody was checkin’ me out.
Maybe Parch had been right about her not wanting to give anything away…
“Vaura, please bring our guests some food,” the Chieftess said.
One of the female centaurs on the periphery bowed her head, got to her feet, and exited the wigwam.
“So. You are a Returned,” the Chieftess said, addressing me.
“I guess so. That’s what people tell me.”
“How did you die in your previous life?”
So she knew about that. I might be able to find out some information from her about the Returned, stuff that Parch didn’t know.
“I saved my friends’ baby and dog from a fire.”
Seera reacted noticeably by jerking her head and looking at me sharply.
The older woman nodded. “Interesting.”
“Do you know much about people who are Returned?” I asked.
“No, unfortunately not.”
“…oh…”
Vaura reentered the wigwam with a platter filled with wooden bowls and cups. She passed them out to me, Alia, Dyra, and Spirella. The bowls contained an assortment of berries and nuts, and the cups were filled with cool spring water.
We began eating immediately. I hadn’t realized I was so hungry.
“If you don’t know much about the Returned, then how did you know I had a past life?” I asked the Chieftess.
“All shall be revealed eventually,” the Chieftess said kindly. “First, though, I understand that you seek us as allies against the Imperium.”
“Yes. We need to defeat Necra so we can rescue our friends.”
“Friends?”
Seera clarified. “The female lich and her compatriots, whom the necromanceress has enslaved. Three hundred of them.”
“Three hundred,” the Chieftess repeated in amazement, then looked back at me. “You realize that we would be putting our tribe at considerable risk if we were to help you.”
“I know,” I said, “but I was under the impression that you hate the Imperium, too.”
“We do, but we choose our battles carefully. When you rescue your friends from the necromanceress, what do you intend to do afterwards?”
“We’re going to knock off the various generals of the Imperium – and then we’re going to kill the Dark Immortal.”
The Chieftess and Seera stared at each other again.
“We know it sounds crazy,” Alia spoke up, “but we defeated one of the Imperium’s leaders named the Baron.”
“The Baron,” the Chieftess repeated in shock.
“Yes, near Mereep.”
“Scott killed him,” Spirella bragged on me.
“Well, everyone chipped in,” I said modestly. “I couldn’t have done it without everyone here – and our friends that Necra enslaved.”
The Chieftess just looked at us, one by one, almost as though she was weighing her options.
“So, will you help us?” I asked after half a minute of silence.
“If we are to cast our lot in with yours, you must prove yourself a worthy ally,” the Chieftess said.
“Uh-huh… what did you have in mind?”
“A series of trials. To prove that you are capable of what you say you can do.”
I looked over at Alia, Dyra, and Spirella. “Um… okay, I guess…”
“The first will be a race. I choose Seera as the champion of our tribe. You and y
our female companions must beat her to win the trial.”
Seera looked startled, but she didn’t say anything.
I stared at the hot MILF. “All of us have to beat her?!”
“If one of you can win, that will be sufficient.”
“Um… she’s a centaur.”
The Chieftess smiled. “Yes, I’m quite aware of that.”
“I’m pretty sure she can outrun any of us easily.”
“That is a difficulty you must overcome to win our allegiance.”
I groaned. “Are you serious?!”
“More than you can possibly know.”
“When are we supposed to run this impossible race, exactly?”
“The time shall be of your choosing.”
“We’ve been traveling all night. Can we at least rest up first?”
“Of course. Seera, please escort them to the guest quarters. You may rest as long as you wish.”
“Thanks.”
We got to our feet and followed Seera out of the wigwam.
She led across the tiny pop-up village to another wigwam, then stood by the door.
“If you need anything, just let one of us know,” Seera said.
“You’re not coming in?” I asked with a slight smile.
She blushed. “No, I am not.”
“You suuuuuure?” I asked humorously.
She just glared at me and stomped off.
“Were you seriously trying to seduce her?” Alia asked grumpily.
“I thought we might be able to win her over to our cause and help us out with the trials. Guess not.”
“…oh,” Alia said, then entered the wigwam when I held the fur ‘door’ open for her.
The inside wasn’t quite as nice as the Chieftess’s, but there were still plenty of furs on the ground.
I collapsed onto my back in a pile of what felt like mink. “Oh man, this feels good…”
Alia, Dyra, and Spirella all dropped to the floor and snuggled up next to me.
“So does this,” Alia said and gave a sleepy yawn.
“Mm-hmm,” Dyra agreed as she closed her eyes.
“ ‘m so… tired…” Spirella murmured.
“Well, don’t get any ideas,” I joked, “because I have to take a nap before we… uh…”
I trailed off because they were all sound asleep. Each one made a slightly different sound of slow, rhythmic breathing.
Ah well… when in Rome…
Even if it had never existed on this planet.
I closed my eyes, yawned… and quickly surrendered to sleep.
9
We slept for hours. It was so dark inside the wigwam that it was impossible to tell for how long, so I extricated myself from my pile of sleeping beauties and crept out through the tanned hide hanging over the doorway.
The sun was almost directly overhead, so I assumed I’d been out for a good four or five hours.
“Finally awake, eh?” a familiar voice said behind me.
I turned to see Seera striding towards me. She’d completely removed the cloak she’d worn earlier, showing off her slender, bare arms and graceful neck. Only her breasts and torso were covered by her leather cuirass.
I would have loved to have seen what she looked without it.
“You been waiting long?” I asked.
“Since I left you here.”
“Didn’t meant to inconvenience you.”
“No need to apologize. The conclusion is foregone. I merely want to get it over with.”
I knew she meant that she would win, so I decided to troll her about it.
“I’ve never met an opponent so gracious in conceding defeat,” I said, trying to repress a smile. “Especially before the battle is even fought.”
She looked confused for a second. “No, you’re the one who will be – ”
Then she realized I was pulling her leg. (One of four, anyway.)
She glared at me. “You toy with me, human?”
“Just joking around. You should try it sometime.”
“I am a warrior, not a jester like you.”
She said ‘jester’ with obvious distaste.
“I wouldn’t say I’m a jester, exactly. Although if you want to call me the Joker, you can be my Batgirl any day.”
I knew before I’d made it that she wouldn’t get the joke, but I was just having fun.
Little did I know she would set me up for a joke she did understand.
“I am a centaur, not a ‘bat girl,’” she snapped, deliberately inserting a long pause between ‘bat’ and ‘girl.’
“But I bet you’re a bad girl,” I said with a grin.
“What?! I – I – ”
“But only in bed,” I added mischievously.
She flushed red with anger. “You toy with me yet again!”
“No – but I can toy with you however you want. For however long you want. Again, and again, and again.”
Her color deepened – and it was no longer clear how much of it was due to anger, and how much to embarrassment.
“You are disgusting,” she snarled.
“Why? Because I find you incredibly beautiful?”
I said it with a completely straight face – because I meant it.
All hints of anger vanished, and she was merely blushing.
“I – you – you are trying to distract me from the trials! To get inside my head!”
“I’d love to get inside other parts of you, too,” I said, nearly laughing.
I mean, I couldn’t not say it. She just kept opening the door; I had to walk through it.
If somebody sets up the volleyball, you gotta spike it.
“Scoundrel!” she yelled, and galloped off.
Oh well.
I went back inside to wake up the three women who were into me.
It turns out, they were already up and talking amongst themselves.
I walked in just in time to hear Spirella say mournfully, “I just hope nothing bad happens to us when we lose.”
“Hey – what’s all this pessimistic talk?” I asked with a smile. “Oh ye of little faith.”
All three women looked at me with worried expressions.
“Scott…” Dyra started hesitantly.
“What’s wrong?”
“There’s no way we can win this!” Alia exclaimed. “She’s a centaur! She can move way faster than any of us can!”
“I know,” I said in an offhand manner.
All three women stared at me in disbelief.
“Then why are you acting so confident?!” Dyra asked.
“Because we’re still going to win.”
“And HOW exactly are we going to do THAT?”
“We’re going to cheat.”
All three women’s eyes bugged out.
“What?!” Spirella exclaimed.
“There’s a saying where I come from: if you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’.”
“That’s horrible!” Alia blurted out.
“Maybe if all we cared about was winning. But we’re doing this to save Zala and her friends. If I have to cheat in a stupid race to get Zala back safely, then I’d do that all day long.”
“Just her?” Alia asked with a touch of jealousy in her voice.
“Babe, if any of you were in danger, I would do ANYTHING to get you back: beg, borrow, cheat, steal, or kill. The only thing I care about is that all of you are okay.”
“Awwww…” Alia murmured, and Dyra smiled, too.
Not Spirella, though. She was a little worrywart, that one.
“Are we entirely sure that they won’t kill us for cheating?” she asked in a quiet voice, like a little girl afraid of getting scolded.
“That’s actually a great question,” I said. Spirella brightened noticeably at the compliment. “Hey, Parch!”
Everybody’s friendly neighborhood parchment appeared in the air.
Yes?
“Are the centaurs going to kill us if we cheat?”
Well… they ARE a
warrior culture,
and prize honor greatly…
but they are widely known for
out-thinking their enemies
as well as out-fighting them.
Centaurs always use every means
available to vanquish their enemies,
whether that means superior numbers,
the intelligent use of terrain, or trickery.
They will not go so far as to commit perfidy –
“What’s perfidy?”
Treachery.
In particular, a deliberate breach of faith.
For instance, asking for a truce to talk peace terms,
then killing the other side
when their guard is down.
“Ohhhhh… Red Wedding-type shit.”
What?
“Never mind. Continue.”
Centaurs will not resort to perfidy,
but they often use ambushes, diversions,
and traps to waylay their adversaries.
“So you’re saying they might even respect us for cheating?”
I’m not sure I would go THAT far.
One thing you should NOT do
is gloat if you win.
They view it as crude and demeaning,
and have been known to break peace
agreements simply because the other side
was rude and derogatory.
“Check. No sore winners.” I turned to the girls. “Parch says they probably won’t kill us for cheating, so I say we go for it. I mean, we’re absolutely, positively not going to win any other way.”
“How exactly do you propose we cheat?” Dyra asked.
“I’m glad you asked, because you’re crucial to my plan.”
I carefully explained.
By the time I was finished, everyone was onboard – and even enthusiastic about our chances.
10
After the girls were awake and we’d all eaten another meal of berries and nuts, we made our way outside – where we found the entire tribe assembled.
There were 30 female centaurs. They appeared to start about my age, and the Chieftess was the oldest at, say, 36 or so. They were all in very good shape physically, as though they spent a good deal of time exercising and training for war.
