by Cole Lepley
His hand is gripping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles blanch. I take a shallow breath.
“About what?”
My voice is small and I see his jaw tick. He has a plan. He always has a plan. The only problem now is that I can’t predict his actions anymore. I used to be able to gauge his mood as soon as he walked into a room.
Now he seems like a volatile stranger and I’m at his mercy.
He remains silent, his dark eyes glaring forward. If I’m being honest, his silence frightens me more than his hateful words. I decide to try something else.
“We could go to your parent’s house and talk.”
He shoots me a condescending glare. “Yeah, right. So you can open your big fucking mouth.”
“I would never…”
He slams his fist into the steering wheel, causing me to jump. “And I think you’re a fucking liar!”
I sink deeper into my seat as he swerves back and forth on the highway. I can only imagine how much Perry and Judah are freaking out right now. This wasn’t part of the plan.
“I’m not,” I say, lowering my voice. “I promised you we would talk, and I meant it.”
The corners of his mouth turn up, but there’s nothing pleasant about his smile. “He’ll never love you,” he says and then shifts his eyes to mine. “You know that, right?”
I keep my mouth closed because arguing Judah’s feelings won’t get me out this car any faster. He’s looking for certain answers and I’m having trouble pretending to give them.
“What do you want from me?” I whisper instead.
“You’re mine,” he says, his voice calm. “I want what’s mine.”
I can’t hold in my bitter laugh. “I was never yours. You used me for your own pleasure. That’s about all.”
Sean laughs once. “That’s where you’re wrong. No one will ever love you like I do. Ever.”
He’s clenching both hands on the wheel now and the speed keeps increasing. I watch the speedometer climb. Every notch it rises makes my heart pound more.
“You still love me, right?”
There’s a vulnerability in his voice that wasn’t there moments ago. It doesn’t make me falter, but his question still catches me off guard. I struggle to come up with a response fast enough. If I say no, he’ll get angrier. The only way to get out of this unharmed is to play along.
“Of course,” I choke out.
His jaw ticks again like he doesn’t believe me.
“Say it,” he growls through clenched teeth. He takes his eyes off the road again to face me, the car still speeding ahead. “Tell me you love me.”
I give his arm a weak shove when it lands on my knee. “Watch the road.”
He glances back, but with only one hand on the wheel, the car swerves into the other lane. The resounding honk makes my pulse skyrocket.
“I’m serious!” I cry, my voice shrill and panicked. “You’re going to kill us.”
Sean laughs, and it’s reminiscent of when we were together. He always found it amusing when I was scared or upset. As if my weakness brought him pleasure.
“Say it or it isn’t true,” he seethes.
Tears are building in my eyes and I have to clear my throat so my voice doesn’t crack. He sees my hesitancy and his hand is grabbing for my face. He squeezes my cheeks together, his fingers digging into my skin.
“Say it or you’re a fucking liar.”
My fingers claw at his hand over my mouth, but his grip is firm. The car swerves again, the tires screeching when he tries to regain control.
But he can’t.
I don’t have time to react as the car soars over the line and into the ditch on the side of the road. It flips once it makes contact with the dirt and gravel, propelling us. As the glass shatters around me, my mind searches for an image it can hold on to. The last face that made me smile. When it all goes black—I think of Judah.
Chapter 43
The Reason
Judah
Perry broke every traffic law on the way over here, but this time I didn’t mind. All I could see was how twisted up Sean’s car was and all I could think about was how fast I needed to get to her.
But I couldn’t.
Everything happened so fast I still can’t process it all. Mack has been in surgery for almost seven hours now. The doctors said the only thing that saved her was the fact that she was wearing her seatbelt. Sean wasn’t so lucky. He was thrown from the car on impact and has been clinging to life since the ambulances arrived on the scene.
It would be reasonable for me to think he deserved to die. He tortured her for so long and fucking enjoyed it. She suffered because of him and he got off on it. Someone who lives their life like that doesn’t deserve to have one right?
But I can’t think that way. I keep looking across the waiting room at his family. His father has been pacing a line in the floor near the doors to the operating room and his mother has been clutching a tissue and crying silently in her seat.
I continue to chew on my thumbnail and bounce my leg while I wait for Perry to come back. His guilt is palpable. He blames himself the most for convincing her to face him. The thing he doesn’t realize is that Mack is strong. She’ll fight her way through this and come back to us. I know she will. I have to believe that.
If she doesn’t, not only will I lose someone I love, but what will keep me up at night is that I never told her. I’ll always remember I was too afraid to tell her how I felt and I’m not sure I can live with that.
Perry’s boots stomp across the linoleum and echo through the quiet room. I nod to him and he shakes his head in disgust.
“Any news?”
His nostrils flare as he sits down seat next to me. “She’s out of surgery, but hasn’t woken up yet. My parents are back there now.”
I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees, releasing a long breath. “Okay, that’s good, right? She’s going to be okay.”
Perry’s jaw twitches, but he doesn’t respond. He keeps glaring at Sean’s father across the room. “How could he not know what a terrible person he raised? No matter what happens, Sean will still be a hero. If he lives, he’ll go back to Yale and continue to be the golden boy and probably go pro. If he dies, it’ll be a tragedy. The life of a beloved football star gone too soon.” He laughs. “It’s a crock of shit.”
“It’s not up to us to decide how Sean should pay for what he’s done.” I glance back to his mother before leaning into Perry. “No matter how terrible he is.”
Perry leans back in his chair with a grunt. “I should have taken care of this myself.”
“Come on, man. You can’t blame yourself for this. We had no idea this was going to happen.”
He surges forward at me, the veins bulging from his neck. “I fucking did.” When his outburst raises a few eyebrows in the room, he lowers his voice to a harsh whisper. “I did, Judah. I knew he wasn’t going to leave her alone.”
What Perry doesn’t realize is that he may have gotten his wish, anyway. The doctor comes out and motions for Sean’s parents to come forward. Even though I can’t hear what he’s saying from where I’m sitting, it doesn’t take much to figure out what he’s telling them.
Despite the circumstances, any young death is still a tragedy.
Hours go by and I’m still not allowed to go back and see her. Perry gets up and leaves from time to time, but he always comes back. So far two girls have come for him. One made him more upset than the other. I’m guessing his girl problems are more complicated than mine ever were.
Sean’s parents are long gone and I wonder if she knows. I wonder if she’ll feel sorry for him or somehow blame herself for Sean’s death. That seems like a good possibility. She always gave him far more credit than he deserved.
They moved Mack from recovery to the ICU. Perry said she was asking for me, but they are still only allowing two visitors at a time. Her parents haven’t wanted to give up their spot yet which is understandable.
I called Zander shortl
y after I got here and he said he was getting on the next flight out of California. He texted about an hour ago to say he just landed and would be here as soon as he could. I find it impossible that Mackenzie thinks she isn’t loved. I don’t have too many friends that would drop everything on Thanksgiving and fly across the country for me. I think Ollie might, but that would depend on what food they were serving on the flight.
Mackenzie’s mom, Christy, comes out of her room down the hall and smiles at me. I stand when walks toward me.
“How’s she doing?” I ask.
Her arms come around me and she hugs me tight. I hug her back with equal enthusiasm. “I’m so thankful Mack met someone good.” She pulls back and I can see the redness in her eyes. “I can tell how much you mean to her, and how much she means to you. I’m sorry I kept you waiting for so long, but…”
Her voice trails off, and she stifles a sob. Bringing her hand up to her mouth, she shakes her head. “I’m sorry. It’s just so hard seeing her this way after… well, after the last time she was in the hospital.”
I run my hand down her arm. I’m not sure what to say, so I don’t say anything at all. The understanding in her eyes tells me she knows Mack told me about her past. I’m guessing that isn’t something she would have expected from her.
She wipes a tear from her cheek and smiles again. “You can go on back now. She’s been asking for you a lot.”
“Thank you,” I say, offering a smile back.
Her dad comes out of the room and pats me on the back on my way past. Having the support of her family means something to me. If we’re going to have a future together, it makes things a hell of a lot easier to have their blessing.
I pause before I enter the room. I’ve been going over in my head what I’m going to say to her ever since we got here. Seeing her lying there, broken and scared, takes my breath away. Suddenly, every plan, every thought I’ve had over the past twelve hours dissolves and the only thing I can think about is how much I wish I could have prevented this. She eyes me in the doorway and smiles.
“Do I look that bad?” Mackenzie asks in a small voice. I know she’s trying to tease me, but I almost lose it altogether. Shaking my head, I swallow down the emotion I need to keep in check. She needs me to be strong for her and that’s what I’m going to do.
I cross the room in the three strides and get as close to her as I can. Cupping her face in my hands, I lean in and kiss her. “You have no idea how good it is to see you smile. I was so…” My words get caught in my throat for a moment, but I recover quickly. “I was so worried. I tried so hard to get to you, but I couldn’t. They held me back and Perry and was screaming and threatening to kill everyone if they didn’t let him through. It looked so bad… and I feel like it’s my fault for letting you get in that car with him. I should have never ran back for Perry.”
She grabs my wrist, shaking her head. “No, don’t do that. You can’t blame yourself for this.” She takes a breath, wincing a little. “Sean decided before we even left, I’m sure of it. He knew it wouldn’t end well.”
I search her eyes for sadness for him, but I don’t see it. Surely she knows he didn’t make it.
Leaning in closer, I press my forehead to hers. “You can’t do things like that ever again. I almost lost you and I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I did.” I pull back and kiss her once more. Rubbing my thumb across her cheek, I hold her gaze. “Mack, I…”
“I need to see for myself!” A familiar voice shouts in the hallway.
I turn my head toward the commotion happening right outside of her room. Zander is being detained by a very frustrated looking nurse.
“Listen, sir,” she says in an overly polite voice. “Like I said, only family can go in at this time.”
Zander scoffs. “Family?” He points dramatically to the door. “That’s my wife in there.”
Mackenzie giggles into her hand and I sigh. “I better go let him in.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right. I don’t want to explain to the staff that I have a secret husband.”
Begrudgingly, I release her and walk over to the door. Perry is leaning against the wall in the hallway with an amused expression on his face. Zander continues to argue with the nurse. Perry holds his hands up in a silent apology.
“Hey, man. I tried to give you a moment together, but he’s really insistent.”
Zander’s eyes turn to me and before I can say anything he wraps me in a bear hug. “Is she okay? Oh my God, I was so worried.”
I pat him on the back as I struggle to breathe. “She’s fine. Go see for yourself.”
He releases his hold on me and rushes over to her side. The nurse gives a nod that Perry and I can go in as well.
We follow him to her bedside as he leans over her.
“I was so devastated when I got the call, baby,” he says leaning over her and assessing her injuries. He runs his hand up her arm, still bandaged from surgery. “I can’t believe I let that son of a bitch hurt you. I don’t know what I would have done without you.” He stretches closer and presses his face into her neck. “I love you so much, Mack.”
She cradles his head with her hand and smiles at me over his shoulder. I smile back, but I can’t help but feel a bit jealous. Not that I would be jealous of Zander in that way, but I am upset he stole my thunder. In the ten seconds that he’s been in here, he said all of things I’ve been trying to say so effortlessly.
I bring my hand up to grip the back of my neck and Perry nudges me from behind. He nods. “You okay, dude?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say quickly. I nod to the door. “I think I need some air. I’m going to take a walk.” I take a step and motion to Zander and Mack. “He came a long way, I’ll give him a few minutes with her.”
Perry looks skeptical, but doesn’t offer a smartass remark.
I turn to Mackenzie. “I’ll be right back, babe. You need everything?”
She smiles again, Zander still half-sobbing into her shoulder. “No, I have everything I need.”
I smile back, but what she doesn’t realize is that she’s the only thing I need. I just have to find a way to tell her.
Chapter 44
Back From The Edge
Mackenzie
Six weeks later…
I’ve been standing here for almost an hour now and I haven’t said a word. Before I came I had a speech prepared. I wanted to tell him everything. All the ways he made me feel like less of a person. I wanted to tell him about all the ways he broke me. It’s been six weeks since Sean died and this is the first time I came to his grave. My arm shattered that was in the accident is healing, and the broken ribs and minor fractures are now just sore instead of life altering.
My hand runs along the cold granite of his headstone and it surprises me when I start to cry. I’m not heartless, of all the ways he deserved to pay for his crimes, dying wasn’t one of them. If anything he took the easy way out. He’ll never have to worry that today could be the day he finally gets caught. He’ll never have to worry that everyone will see him for who he really was. Because now I know for a fact it ends with me.
I think that’s what bothered me the most. That he could have been doing it to someone else and I was too afraid and too selfish to stand up to him. The past was too painful to relive and I’m thankful I’ll never have to again.
“I wish you knew how much I loved you,” I say, my finger skimming the stone. “I know that might sound crazy, but at one point you were my whole world. I thought pleasing you would make you see how dedicated I was. How I was willing to do anything to make you happy.” I let out a bitter laugh, kneeling down on one knee. “I guess that makes me desperate.” I drop the bouquet and stand back upright.
“Eventually, I would have gone to the police. I think you knew that. Not that I wanted you to pay for what you did to me, I wanted to make sure it never happened to anyone else.”
A cool breeze picks up and I raise the hood of my jacket. Reaching into my pockets, I pull
out my gloves.
“A sick part of me hopes I was the only one. The only person you could possibly treat that badly. Or maybe you did it out of love?” I laugh once. “Well, if that’s what love is really like I don’t want any part of it.”
My phone buzzes in the pocket of my coat and I know who it is. I’m supposed to catch a flight back to Ithaca soon. I’m finally ready to be back on campus full time and I miss Judah so much. After silencing the call, I clasp my hands in front of me and continue to stare down at the ground in front of Sean’s headstone.
I wish I had the strength to tell him these things when he was alive. The funny thing is, with how manipulative he was, I’m sure he would have found a way to talk me into thinking I was wrong. He can’t do that now.
“So many things are so messed up right now, and it all started with me. I wish I never let you take me out that night after the football game. I wish I wasn’t so thrilled when you asked me to be your girlfriend, and I wish I would have said no when you suggested that I could be shared with other guys.” My fist clenches at my side. “I was supposed to be yours. You should have wanted to protect me, not treat me like I was disposable. That’s not love, Sean. Maybe it took me a really long time to understand that, but I met someone who makes me see clearly what love is supposed to be like.”
I release a long sigh, trying to hold off more tears so I don’t destroy make-up before I get on the plane.
“And I think Judah’s scared. He’s scared I’ll never be able to return those feelings to him because of what I went through with you—but he’s wrong.”
I reach in my pocket one last time and pull out a tattered photo. It’s one of the ones from a photo booth that has three pictures. This is the last time I felt safe with Sean and we’d only been dating for a few months. I lay it next to the flowers.
“This is how I’ll remember you. The guy that was sweet and held my hand the entire time we were at the fair because he said he was proud to be with the prettiest girl at school. I don’t know what version of Sean I got that night, but he’s the one I feel in love with.” One more tear falls and I brush it away with my fingertips. “I wish that guy would have stayed. If he did maybe everyone’s lives wouldn’t be so messed up right now. Or maybe this all happened for a reason?”
