by Clare London
“So, what was it this time?”
Nick was proving rather perceptive, tuning in to what I wasn’t saying as well as what I was.
“It was the kiss that shocked me. You see, none of the group ever admitted it. I couldn’t exactly put up a note in the newsagent’s window for ‘Missing—one kisser,’ but I felt like doing that when Gerry, Mark, and Alec all denied it. It was definitely a male, but I’m pretty sure none of the straight boys were around by then. I heard everyone dashing for cover as soon as they saw the older kids arriving. It had to be one of my group.”
“So that’s your real quest?” Nick asked softly. “To identify the mystery kiss. That’s amazing.”
He still looked pale, and I realised what a bloody stupid idea it had been to tell him all the gory details. He’d either think I was a sorry victim, a lunatic bent on revenge for a childhood prank, or an obsessive stalker. Or all three.
“So that’s why you let Gerry kiss you? And Mark as well. To see if it was like that kiss, all that time ago.”
“God’s sake, it sounds silly when you say it aloud.”
“No.” He pulled me to him. “It doesn’t. But Dan….”
“I’m overthinking again?” I said ruefully.
He laughed, very softly, and pushed himself against me, his mouth seeking mine. We rolled on the bed together. Had we cleared the issues? I didn’t think so, and I wasn’t sure how much more we knew about each other. But I knew I wanted this. We tugged each other’s clothes off, laughing and kissing and caressing.
“Let me,” I murmured.
I slid down his body before he could protest, hoping he wouldn’t, and ran my fingers down the lines of his muscles, tracing his ribs, kissing his skin.
He gasped and laughed deep in his throat, then bit back a cry as my mouth reached and surrounded his cock. “Dan!”
I smiled and considered that no protest at all.
I alternated between sucking him in and licking around his balls and the base of his cock until he arched up, moaning. He tasted warm and musky. It had been a long time since I’d enjoyed tasting a dick so much. I nudged his balls with my chin and loved the way they tightened and shifted at my touch. When I ran a finger under the sac and up between his buttocks, he groaned aloud. I stroked his pucker, playing with the nerve endings, feeling an answering ache in my own arse, needing the same touch or even more.
Maybe Nick could read minds, or maybe it was part of his usual assertive sex play. Without a word, he pulled out of my mouth, flipped me over onto my back, and pulled me towards him on the mattress so I lay beneath him. We were both panting hard.
“I want in,” he whispered hoarsely. “Into you. Now. But only if you want.”
“I want,” I gasped back.
Would please have sounded too needy? We both scrambled off the bed to find a condom in our bags, and Nick muttered he had some lube as well. At that stage, I’d have used spit if it meant he fucked me, even though I’d have regretted it the next day. As it was, when we settled back on the mattress, he was wary with me, breaching me, then waiting until I adjusted to him. He moved slowly, pushing in deeply, then pulling out gradually so that I felt every tug of our skin, every stage between full and empty, every brush against my prostate, and every damp slap of his skin against mine.
Did I say wary? That lasted only for a few moments. After that, we were both frantic. I pulled him to me and he thrust in earnest. I cried out, never caring what the neighbours along the hotel corridor might think. We groaned and grunted, and at one stage tears ran from the corners of my eyes. Both of us were desperate for something other than an easy climax, and we were ready to give it.
When I came, it was sweet and shocking, and it left me horribly oversensitive. Laughing, I tried to ease my dick against Nick’s belly as he gave a few final thrusts and came inside me. We clung to each other for much longer than the previous night, even after he softened and eased out of me.
Sleep wasn’t long in coming to us both.
IN THE middle of the night, I woke wanting a glass of water and got up to get one.
When I came back to bed, Nick was awake too. He pulled back the sheet for me to slide back in beside him. I pressed against him, my naked body moulding to his. It was both comfortable and comforting, and he seemed to realise what I needed.
“Tell me, Dan,” he whispered in my ear. “Tell me what’s worrying you.”
I sighed. “After the fight, and that stupid card game, it wasn’t quite the same between us anymore. Gerry was busy with his older boyfriend, Mark was like a shadow, flinching whenever anyone came near, and Alec…. Well, he was even more aggressive than usual, but to no point. It didn’t come out physically, just verbally.”
“It was a shock to you all.”
“I know. I suppose I don’t blame them, but no one ever talked about it again. It was like a black cloud lurking in the background, but one you only saw out of the corner of your eye. We still hung around together, but it was almost the end of summer, and then we all left the club.”
“You sound sad. Part of this quest was to find out if the gang was okay, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, it was. Is. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to get round to it.” I ran my hand down his chest, tangling my fingers in his hair. “But I was angry too. You were right about another thing. I’m in a mess about my motivations.”
His laugh vibrated through my fingertips. “Same as all of us, Dan. And no one would blame you for being angry about kids trying to beat you up.”
I dropped my head to rest against his torso. His heart beat slowly against my cheek. It was dark in the room, but I still didn’t want him to see my eyes.
“It wasn’t just that. They were just stupid. To be honest, I was angry we’d let ourselves be bullied like that. Angry none of the gang would own up to kissing me. Angry our lives were so shaken. It felt like another part of our innocence had gone. I changed my habits then. I think I’d call that day my official coming out. I wasn’t going to hide away any longer. I wasn’t giving in to bullies of any kind. I wasn’t going to be afraid of admitting I was gay.”
His heartbeat was stronger now. “I’m envious.”
“You are?”
“Things were different for me, Dan. God, I didn’t mean to snap at you about that earlier.”
I shook my head, hoping he understood it didn’t matter now.
“I am out,” he said. “It just took me longer than some people. And sometimes… I’m still cautious.”
“That’s understandable.”
“Maybe. It’s just been harder for me. I’ve lost friends because of it, and been passed over for promotion. It’s one of the reasons I started up my own business. I can choose who I deal with, who I employ. But you’re braver than I was… am. I still don’t like to broadcast it.”
I ran my hands down his arms, pulling him closer. “That’s not being closeted. You just have a natural desire to keep your private life private. So do I.”
He nodded, tightening his arms around me. “Your quest has brought back memories for me too. School was hell for me—I couldn’t wait to get out.”
“Were you bullied?”
“Not exactly. I hung around with the wrong kids, though, just to try and get accepted. Stupid, aggressive, homophobic kids. I didn’t see it at the time. I was just glad to be in a gang of sorts. But it meant I didn’t come out to my family and friends until I’d left college.”
“The wanting to belong…. Is that why you’re so keen on your happy ending?”
He was silent for so long I thought he might have fallen back to sleep. Then, very quietly, “No,” he said.
“I’m prying into your life again. I don’t know what’s come over me this week.”
“Something I’ve enjoyed,” he whispered in my ear, the humour reawakening and warming his breath. “Pry away all you like. You’re great fun.”
Fun, he’d said, and that was all it was. At least in the first place. But something prompted me to
a few final words before sleep. “Nick, what’s happened with us, these last couple of days…? It isn’t just gratitude, you know.”
“For a lift in my car? I’d say not! It’s no limo, you know.”
I laughed. “I just meant—”
“I know,” he interrupted. “Honestly, Dan, I do. But let’s sleep on it, okay?”
I nodded and settled closer. His heart was beating more quickly, but he’d fallen silent.
“Do you want to go back to London on your own tomorrow?” I whispered. “I can continue on to Alec’s.”
There was a small delay before Nick replied. “No way.”
I was ashamed to admit how pleased I was. I rolled over and pretended to sleep, even though I was still restless. It wasn’t that I wanted to block him out. I just didn’t want to continue the conversation in case he changed his mind and said yes.
Chapter 9
ALEC’S ADDRESS took us back to London, to a neglected housing estate around the back of Bethnal Green. Again, I hadn’t been able to phone ahead because Mark hadn’t offered me a number. The buildings were harsh, graffiti-ridden concrete blocks, the roads pitted with broken asphalt and creeping weeds. On one side of the road, a bunch of kids played a game of football with stolen traffic cones as goalposts, and on the other, a large dog squatted to do its business, watching us forlornly as we drove past. We parked in a car park with supervisor services, though that consisted of one old bloke with sunglasses on, plugged in to his music. Neither of us wanted to admit we weren’t sure about the safety of the car, but I knew we were both thinking it. We sat there for a while, gathering our courage.
“I never thought…,” I began. I was starting to feel I’d never thought accurately about anything.
“That Alec would live somewhere like this?” Nick looked at me sympathetically. “I understand. You didn’t think Mark would end up so well off, and you didn’t think Alec’s path would go—”
“So badly?” I sighed. “You’re right. I can’t seem to get anything straight.”
“Tell me about Alec,” Nick said.
It was the same way we’d approached the previous visits, but this time I felt strangely apprehensive.
“He was a bit of an outsider. Actually, I’m not sure how he joined up with us, but he became part of the group, and we just accepted it. He could be very witty, and he always had the best ideas for jokes and scams. It’s just… his humour had a harsh edge. He wasn’t sympathetic to anyone slower or less bright than he was.”
“Sorry to say it, but he sounds a spiteful tosser to me.”
Nick was right. I was seeing it through an outsider’s eyes now. “Mark was pretty scared of Alec, because he was usually the butt of Alec’s jokes. That just made Alec stick closer to him, of course, or that’s what I always assumed. Funny that Alec should have chosen Mark to keep in touch with.”
“Mark’s a good-looking man,” Nick said. “Must have been cute as a boy.”
“You think?” I considered my friend’s pale blond hair, his rather feminine features. “I suppose so.”
“What about Gerry?”
I grimaced. “Gerry liked challenging Alec, even if he usually came off worse. But then, Gerry always had enough nerve to laugh it off.”
“And you?”
I tried to remember details. “He used to try and pair up with me when we were playing sport. He always had his own ideas and usually scorned other people’s, but sometimes he’d listen to mine. Not without a sneer for show, of course.” I caught Nick’s gaze on me. “What?”
“Sounds like there was someone else he liked too,” he said, mischief in his eyes.
I laughed that off as the nonsense it was. “Let’s go and see what kind of happy ending Alec’s found, shall we?”
THE ADDRESS led us to a flat on the fourteenth floor. The walls and staircase were made of the same concrete, and although there was less graffiti, there was that cold smell to it like an institutional building: a combination of stale urine, cooked chips, and sweat. The door of number 1407 was opened by a young woman dressed in jeans and a smart, tailored shirt, her pale blonde hair tied back in a ponytail. She was pretty and slim, with an almost boyish figure. She clutched a kitchen cloth as if I’d disturbed her in the middle of wiping up the dishes, and I couldn’t miss how nervous she looked.
“Hi. I’m looking for Alec Masters. Does he still live here?”
She stared at me with slightly unfocussed eyes. “Why are you here?”
It was an unusual response, and I sensed Nick tensing up beside me. “It’s just a social call. I’m Daniel Cross. We both went to a summer sports club when we were teenagers, and I’m looking up some of the friends I knew there.”
“Go away,” she said. “He won’t want to see you.”
I was momentarily shocked by the baldness of that. “I think he should tell me that himself, don’t you?”
“I’m Eleanor Masters,” she said, her chin coming up in defiance—though of what I had no idea. “I’m his wife.”
I really tried not to gape, but the news caught me unawares. Alec—married to a woman?
“Who was that at the door, Ellie? That bloody Jehovah’s Witness again?” The voice trailed off as Alec came out of the kitchen, an open food can in his hand. He stopped dead and stared at me. “Daniel?”
“Hello, Alec.”
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
I was getting used to the fact there was no open welcome here. “Can I come in?” I introduced Nick as my friend.
Alec glared at us both. “Why? What do you want?”
I stepped into the small hallway beside Ellie Masters, ready to leave if either of them protested more strongly, but they didn’t. “Alec, I’m just here to see how you are. I’ve recently caught up with Gerry and Mark—”
“I don’t remember anyone called Gerry or Mark.”
It was so patently untrue—and the look on his face showed he knew it too—that I was rendered speechless for a second. “We had a lot of fun. I called us the Gang of Four.” I tried for a light-hearted tone. “We were trouble, I suppose, but that’s what you expect of teenage boys. You were really good at crosswords, remember? When they arranged a treasure hunt around the football field, you were the one solved the trickiest clues. Mind you, we didn’t get much help, did we?” I laughed at the memory. “Gerry kept moaning about the mud under the trees ruining his new trainers, and Mark got so worried we’d be out there until dark, he took a box of matches with him and accidentally set fire to the hem of my jeans. You were furious with him—in fact, we all were, especially when we found out he’d left Gerry’s smuggled bottle of cider back at the clubhouse.”
“Alec’s still really good at crosswords,” Ellie said quietly. “And we’ve won the local pub quiz a couple of times.” She didn’t meet anyone’s eyes.
“I don’t remember any of that.”
Alec’s face had set in surly determination. He lifted his gaze to mine and I sucked in a breath. I’d rarely seen such dark, angry eyes—such hostility aimed towards me.
I took a shaky step backward and was suddenly aware of Nick standing close to me. He didn’t step back as well, just leaned into me, adding support. I’d never been more grateful for having him with me. I spoke carefully, holding Alec’s gaze as best I could. “I’m sorry if the reminders upset you. I’m not sure why.”
He flushed, slowly and deeply.
In contrast, Ellie paled. “Would you like a drink?” she asked of no one in particular. “I’ve got coffee. There’s some cola.”
She sounded panicky.
“They’re not staying,” Alec said. “Are you?”
That last comment he aimed back at me. His expression was still angry, but now there was a flicker in his eyes of some other emotion. Panic? Sadness? His gaze ran rapidly over my body as if he were hungry—and not for food. It made me more nervous rather than less.
“We’ll leave, if you want,” I said. “If you don’t want to talk about it.�
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“About what?” he growled and took another step nearer. I made a huge effort and didn’t flinch, but I could see one of his hands tightening into a fist at his side. “You’re describing something that didn’t bloody happen. Yeah, I was at the club, but I barely knew you or the other boys you’re talking about. I wasn’t interested in that kind of thing.”
There was a sharp intake of breath from Nick beside me.
“What kind of thing is that?” I asked, amazed my voice sounded so calm. “Sports? Fun? Friendship?”
Alec stepped again towards me. He was only a foot away now, well within striking reach. I could feel the tendrils of his hot breath on my cheek. “Just go. Now. I don’t have anything to say to you. I’m not your friend. I never was. I’m not one of you.”
“One of—?”
Alec’s voice got louder. “I know what you were, all of you. You may have thought you mixed in with the crowd, but you and your gang stuck out like some kind of beacon of pink.”
“Like what?” I could barely speak through my astonishment. “We weren’t like that at all. And you were one of us, Alec, remember? One of the Gang of Four.”
“No!” he snapped. “I’m normal, Daniel Cross. I’m not a homo like you or your friend.” He turned to sneer at Nick. “I know what friend means. Means you’re fucking, doesn’t it? Two men fucking. It makes me gag. I couldn’t bear it then, and I don’t bear it now. Not in my house, in front of my wife.”
“Alec,” Ellie said softly, with what sounded like weariness.
It was the trigger I needed to spur my own anger. “You hypocrite! You were happy enough to be our friend then. And don’t you dare insult Nick like that!”
I didn’t know what was going on, but the memories of our time at the SSSC were sharper than ever. There was no way I misremembered Alec Masters as anything but another young gay man trying to find his way and gathering support and comfort from a like-minded group of friends. I didn’t misinterpret his gaze as it followed the young men around the clubhouse, or the way he would offer to wash up after supper if it meant he could nudge up against someone at the sink—which was often Mark, I now realised.
