Emotion choked me, so all I could do was nod.
Harper smiled a real smile for the first time in weeks. “He loves you too, Ava. I know it. Make him admit it. Please. One of us needs to get a happily ever after.” When she just continued to stare at me, I fully comprehended her meaning.
“What? Now?”
“He lives in this building, right?” She smiled.
My pulse instantly sped up at the thought of just showing up at Caleb’s place. There was no denying he was giving me the brush-off this week and I knew that it was because of everything he’d told me about Carissa. He had made himself vulnerable to me and I was pretty sure it had spooked him.
However, I knew Harper was right. I couldn’t go on pretending I didn’t love him and I definitely wanted to stop running away from my feelings.
“Okay.”
Harper grinned and grabbed me by the shoulders. “You can do this. Go. I’ll get all the paperwork signed for this place, and if you and Caleb work things out, text me and I’ll just head back to the apartment.”
“Are you sure?” An angry swarm of butterflies suddenly erupted in my belly. “Oh, I feel a little sick.”
“That’s because this matters.” She turned me around to face the door and then slapped my ass. “Go get him, tiger.”
I rolled my eyes but released a nervous little laugh that made me feel marginally better.
By the time the elevator took me up to the sixteenth floor, however, my heart was racing so fast I thought I might pass out. Breathing in and out slowly as I stood outside his apartment door, I fought for calm, and reminded myself that, no matter what, this was Caleb. I could trust him to be totally honest with me and I’d have closure, one way or another.
I rang the doorbell and felt flutters in my throat at the sound of footsteps coming toward me on the other side of the wall.
Caleb pulled open the door and froze at the sight of me.
He was wearing a plain black T-shirt and worn blue jeans. Last week his beard was starting to become an actual beard—not that I’d minded—but he’d trimmed it. Maybe even that morning. His hair was wet, as if he’d only recently gotten out of the shower.
My eyes finally found his after perusing him hungrily.
Caleb wasn’t looking at me hungrily in return. He looked pissed. “What are you doing here?”
Without giving him a chance to shut the door on me, I stepped inside and walked toward the living room, seeing it was empty. “Are we alone?”
“Jamie’s out. And I repeat, what are you doing here?”
I turned to face him, unhappiness and anger piercing me at the way he was staring at me. Like I was a mere acquaintance who had decided to inconvenience him on a Sunday morning. “Harper is interested in a studio in your building. We were here anyway, and you’ve been avoiding me, so I thought I’d drop by and ask why.” Thankfully, I sounded much calmer than I felt.
His expression turned almost pitying and I think I loathed him as much as I loved him in that moment. “You know why, Ava.”
Inwardly, I flinched, feeling a painful crack down the middle of my chest. “Too much of a coward to just come out and say it?” I whispered.
“We aren’t in a relationship. We dinnae need tae offer each other explanations or owe each other a conversation. I thought my lack of communication spoke for itself. I no longer want tae sleep with you.” His eyes were hard, flat, his features carefully lacking in expression.
And I knew with soul-deep certainty that Caleb Scott was lying to me.
“Liar,” I whispered.
His eyes narrowed as he walked toward me. “I never took you for the clingy type. You knew what this was and you were good with it.”
I wanted to smack the unemotional look right off his face and shake the flatness out of his voice. “We both know that it changed. And we both know why you’re running scared now.”
Caleb shrugged. “I’m not running scared. I’m just done.”
“You’re in love with me.” I couldn’t hold back my emotion anymore.
He just stared at me. Giving me nothing.
So I wrenched the words out, hoping that he’d crack knowing what they cost me. “And I’m so in love with you,” I whispered. Sadly. My heart breaking because those words should be whispered in elation. Not in sorrow and regret.
Because he was making me regret them with every second that passed.
Especially when his eyes turned pitying again. “I dinnae. And I’m not going tae feel bad, because we agreed this was casual.”
“What happened to our friendship?” I seethed now. “Or is this the way you treat your friends?”
“I think we both knew that as soon as one of us lost interest in sex with the other that the friendship would die.”
So matter of fact.
So cold.
“I don’t believe you.”
His eyes lit with anger and I almost rejoiced at the sign of emotion. “Then believe this. I’ve got someone coming tae the apartment this morning.”
I felt like I might throw up. “Someone?”
“Aye. Someone, Ava. Someone who is going tae stick tae the rules.”
Liar.
“And who is this someone?”
“Jen.” He answered immediately.
Jen Granton? Yeah. He was lying. My nausea eased. “That’s a little pathetic, Caleb.”
Still, the thought that he might have started sleeping with anyone already made tears prick my eyes. I hated him for it. “You were just going to start sleeping with someone else without telling me this was over?”
For a moment he was silent and then he looked away, as if he couldn’t bear to stare at me any longer.
“Stop lying,” I said. “Jen isn’t on her way over.”
“If she was, it would be none of your business,” he snapped, striding toward me suddenly, looking furious, masking what I knew with certainty was panic. “We’re no longer each other’s business.”
I shook my head, frustrated that he wouldn’t just admit the truth. Caleb was usually so brutally honest that I didn’t know how to handle him like this. I had to make him admit that he loved me, but how? “Why would you want me to think you’re with her?”
“Maybe because I am.”
“Nah. You’ve developed champagne tastes, Caleb. You can’t go back to cheap wine.”
Something like admiration flickered in his gaze and he smirked. “Arrogance doesn’t become you, Ava.”
“Yes, it does.” I stepped into his personal space and watched him tense and glower instantly. “You want me right now.”
He put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me away from him, dropping his hands like I’d scalded him. “I dinnae know how tae make this any clearer. We’re done. You’ve forced the conversation so here it is. I dinnae want you anymore because you broke the rules. You think I didn’t know how you were starting tae feel after your tantrum about Carissa?”
“Tantrum?” I sucked in a breath at the word. “Screw you, Caleb.”
“You’ve done that.” He moved away, walking toward the window, his tone cold and sardonic. “Now find someone new tae do it with.”
“Stop this,” I demanded. “Just … stop! I know you’re scared. I’m scared. But we’ve found something amazing here. Don’t throw it away because of what she did. If I’m willing to be brave enough to give something real between us a shot, then shouldn’t you be too?”
He glanced over his shoulder at me, his expression shadowed by the glare of daylight from the window. Then he fully turned, strode back toward me, and his voice was as icy as his eyes. “I’ve tried tae be as diplomatic as I’m capable of here. Since it’s not working, here’s the truth. I could never love you, Ava. Is that clear enough? Never.”
Each word was like a knife slice through my skin, every inch of me seeming to burn from the pain. Some small spark of hope that was clinging to the belief that it was his fear talking died as Caleb drew his gaze down my body and back up again.
There was something in the way that he looked at me. Disdain he was trying hard not to reveal.
It reminded me of the way Nick had looked at me when he told me he could never love me like he’d loved Gem.
And that was when realization hit me with so much force I honestly couldn’t breathe for a second or two. Survival kicked in and I gulped in a huge gasp of air, not aware of Caleb taking a step toward me, only aware of the sudden glaring truth.
“You don’t see me as anything but a piece of ass,” I said softly, not seeing him, not seeing anything. “Just a pretty face.”
When he didn’t say anything, when he didn’t disagree, I tried to make him.
“Your jealousy? Your possessiveness? They meant nothing?”
“That isn’t love. It’s lust. Pure and simple. You’re beautiful and you know I’m attracted tae you. Aye, it made me possessive of you. But that isn’t love. Not like you want. And that’s why this needs tae end.”
He couldn’t have said anything worse. He couldn’t have killed the hope inside me any more proficiently. And in that moment my love turned to hate as quickly as a match striking tinder.
I hated him more than I had ever hated anyone.
Finally I dragged my gaze up to meet his, feeling lost and sick, and wondering how I was going to put myself back together again. Why was I so unlovable? “What was it Nick said? That I’m empty? Nothing to see here but a beautiful face.” My voice hardened with the bitterness rising up inside of me.
All I saw was my pain and rage. I didn’t see the way Caleb paled at my words. “Ava.”
I turned, needing to get out of there, to find someplace to lick my wounds. Someplace where I could find the strength one more time to not let Nick’s or Caleb’s treatment of me turn me into something cold and filled with self-loathing.
That wasn’t here.
I needed to be as far away from this man, whom I had trusted more than any man—I hated him!
“Ava.” I heard his footsteps behind me and I picked up my pace, throwing his apartment door open. “Ava!”
Instinct made me run to the elevator, my hands shaking as I hit the button. Thankfully, it binged right open.
“Ava!” I heard Caleb roar, but I wouldn’t look up.
“Shut the door, shut the door, shut the door,” I muttered in prayer.
It shut before he could reach it.
I heard the muffled shout of my name once more as the elevator descended.
I was in so much pain I was almost numb from it. Like my brain had frozen my pain receptors because it knew my body, my heart, couldn’t handle it.
The elevator doors opened and I walked out into the reception in a daze. Harper was waiting for me, sitting on one of the reception chairs, reading a magazine. Her head lifted at the sight of me and she stood, her smile faltering at my expression.
An overwhelming rush of love for her broke through the numbness and tears began spilling down my cheeks before I could stop them. Not wanting to have a public meltdown, I grabbed her good arm when she came toward me. “I need to go home,” I whispered.
Concern and fury fought for dominance in her eyes but she controlled both, taking hold of me to lead me out of the building. “What happened?” she asked as she searched the street for a cab.
“He said just because I was beautiful didn’t mean he could love me. It was Nick all over again.” I wiped angrily at my tears. “Why do men want me to feel worthless? What is that?” I laughed harshly.
“I’m going to kill him,” Harper growled with such menace I thought she might actually mean it.
Thankfully, a cab appeared before she could, and she waved it down. Just as I was getting in it, someone shouted my name.
Not someone.
Him.
I glanced back over my shoulder to see Caleb standing outside the building, his chest heaving like he was out of breath.
“Get in.” Harper practically pushed me into the cab. Then she yelled, “Burn in hell, dickwad!” before sliding into the cab beside me. “Mount Vernon Street. Now,” she ordered the driver.
He pulled away and I kept my eyes straight ahead, determined not to look back.
“He’s a liar and a coward, Ava.” Harper wrapped her arms around me as she spoke. “He loves you, I know it. But he doesn’t deserve you. A man who knows what you’ve been through, who knows what saying that to you would do to you, doesn’t deserve you. He chose to protect himself over protecting you and that is not okay. Do you understand? It’s not okay and you need to let him go.”
I nodded, feeling so dazed, it was a little like being drugged. I think I might have been in shock. “You’re right.”
“You are the smartest, bravest, kindest, funniest woman I know. No one can take that from you.” She gripped my hand tight. “You told me you were afraid I’d lose myself after what Vince did, and I’m trying really hard not to. And now you have to do the same. You can’t let Caleb shatter all the pieces of yourself you put back together after Nick and Gemma’s betrayal. Okay?”
I glanced up from our hands to hold her gaze. “Okay.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.” I took strength from her strength.
“We have each other. That’s more than some people ever get.”
“Damn straight.”
Our eyes were mirrors, reflecting back pain that we were determined to obliterate with our silent solidarity and gratitude for each other.
Twenty-eight
Caleb called.
Five minutes after the cab pulled away, my phone rang. Harper saw the gut-punch look on my face and promptly took the phone from me and blocked Caleb’s number. She then proceeded to give the cabdriver her address, in case the Scot decided to pay me an immediate visit.
I felt exhausted as we climbed the stairs to Harper’s place. My limbs were heavy, my eyes felt swollen, and all of my insides felt like they’d just suffered through an internal earthquake. It almost felt like the time when I was fifteen in the car with my mother when someone slammed into us in an intersection. For a while afterward my body still shook from the impact. That’s how I felt now.
My phone rang again in my purse and Harper shook her head at my wide-eyed look of panic. “It can’t be,” she said. “I blocked him.”
Fumbling for my phone, I winced when I saw it was Stella. I was not in the mood to take a work call, but I was also incapable of ignoring calls from my boss. “Stella?” I said, hoping I sounded normal.
“Emergency,” Stella clipped. “Gabe is supposed to be going to New York this weekend to get the specs on that Fifth Avenue penthouse he’s been bragging about.”
I liked Gabe. But he was a bragger and, yes, he had not shut up about that penthouse for the last week, not just because it was on Fifth Avenue, but because it was owned by a famous actress. “Okay?”
“He has the flu. And did not tell me but proceeded to get ready to leave for New York only to faint at the top of a flight of stairs in his apartment building. Now he’s in the hospital and his fiancée is blaming me for putting too much pressure on him.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said immediately. “And is he okay?”
“He has a concussion, and of course the flu. As sorry as I am for that, if he’d just told me, he would not currently be hospitalized and I would not be panicking about losing this client. A Hollywood A-lister, Ava. We haven’t had one of those in a while. If she likes what we do, she will tell her friends.”
Realization hit me and my exhaustion actually doubled. “You want me to go to New York.”
“Yes. First swing by the office. I’m here and have all of Gabe’s notes, so you’re going in prepared.”
“I’ll be right there.”
We hung up and I stared dully at Harper, who was scowling. “Guess I’m going to New York.”
My friend’s hands flew to her hips. “You just had your heart broken. You should have told her that.”
“Well, Gabe has the flu and a concussion
, which kind of trumps broken heart at the moment.”
“Do you hear yourself? Your voice is all flat and sad. Not the greatest impression to make on a client.”
“I’ll pull it together. In fact, this is just what I need. A distraction.” I began making my way back down her apartment building steps. “I’d better call another cab.”
“Maybe I should come with you,” Harper suggested.
I threw her a grateful smile over my shoulder, one I knew didn’t quite make it to my eyes. “Hey, I’ll be fine.”
She did not look convinced. “Call me when you land.”
I hugged her. “Thank you.”
As it turned out, the trip to New York was exactly what I’d needed. It forced me to stop myself from crumpling up into a ball in my bed and sobbing until there was no water left in my body. Anytime my thoughts turned to Caleb and our confrontation, my throat seemed to thicken with too much emotion. I felt like I was choking on it.
So I buried my head in the client file Stella had given me.
Once I was in New York, I got to my hotel and could barely eat, but I had a couple of glasses of wine knowing it would make me sleepy. It worked and I thankfully slept, my alarm waking me early. On Monday I was much too busy taking specs at the penthouse to dwell on anything else. Just as I assumed would happen, I didn’t meet with the actress, but with her personal assistant. We spoke at length about the design and she hovered over me the entire time I was taking measurements with my laser distance meter. It was a smart little tool that worked out lengths, heights, and area volume. After I’d taken copious amounts of photos of the space, the PA and I talked even more. I spent a total of six hours with her, leaving just in time to catch my evening flight back to Boston. The entire time on the flight I worked on the project, jotting and sketching ideas.
I updated Stella in the taxi ride back to my apartment, and I did it with the same calm I’d approached the entire weekend. Somehow, I’d even managed to convince myself that I was okay.
So when I stepped into my empty apartment and closed the door behind me, I was taken aback by the overwhelming pain that squeezed my chest like a vise, forcing out the first sob.
Fight or Flight Page 29
