“Well, I would like to meet a man who isn’t married, like the last asshole, or unwilling to deal with the fact that Chastity is my life. I’m tired of having to even explain that.”
“You shouldn’t have to.”
No, I shouldn’t.
“My love life is a damn disaster.”
“There’s a hero out there waiting for us, Tea. I know it. We just need to find him.”
“Well, so far I’ve gotten the antihero that you can’t even grow to like.”
“At least you know what it felt like to be loved,” she challenges.
“Keith didn’t love me. He didn’t love anyone but himself.”
Keith is still the town hero here. No matter what he did to me, it doesn’t matter. While Nina knows the truth, sometimes I wonder if anyone else would believe it if they found out. Of course, his version paints me as the whore who tried to trap him into marriage.
Each freaking Sunday during football season, I have to hear his name, see his stupid face across the television screen, know how much money he makes while I can’t even buy school supplies for Chastity.
Nina’s eyes go soft and her lips tighten. “I wasn’t talking about him, honey.”
“Well, I sure as hell hope you weren’t talking about Derek.”
She lives in a world where impossible things happen all the time. Like a man waking up and realizing that it was you he wanted all along. I don’t have time for fantasies because they’re just that—fiction. I would much rather have my head on straight and focus on what’s real. Like bills and teenagers.
“I still think that…”
“I know what you think.” I sigh. “He got married and had a kid and somewhere in that equation, I didn’t fit. That’s what happened. He knew I was terrified, alone, living with my parents, and freaking the fuck out and he felt that I wasn’t worth the time.”
At least that’s all I can come up with at this point. Why else would he bail? Why would the guy who was supposed to be the only one I could rely on just stop talking to me completely? Maybe it wasn’t me, maybe it was his wife, but at this point in my life, I can’t keep debating it in my head. Derek made his choice and I had to go on with my life.
“It was a long time ago, Tea.”
I roll my eyes. “And a long time that I haven’t heard from him. My phone number is the same.”
I say that last part and I feel so pathetic. I’ve given up on a sudden call or appearance at my door. Believing that he was different and would come around was only hurting myself. Now, I’m just numb.
“Okay, no more talk about Keith or Derek.” She raises her hand. “Have you painted anything new? I’ve been dying to see if you added to your collection.”
I shake my head. “I haven’t had much time to paint, but I’m going to head out to the beach this weekend.” My hands have been itching to hold a brush. Painting allows me the time to just…breathe.
“Good. I’m excited to see what you come up with.”
“Me too. In fact, I might head out there a little early.”
Nina smiles, probably happy that the conversation shifted a bit too. “That makes me happy.”
It does the same for me. At least I have something of my own, even if only two other people in the world know about it.
Chapter Two
Teagan
Present
“Teagan, we’re back!” my mother announces as she opens the door dramatically.
“I see that. And so early!” I say with a smile even though I feel like screaming and throwing a fit. “How was Europe?”
“It was fabulous. Your father was so tired, he went straight home, but I wanted to come see you…and the store, to make sure it was still standing. I’m never quite sure what will happen in my absence.”
My parents are wonderful people. No one can deny that, but my mother has a way of cutting me down. It’s little comments that let me know how much of a disappointment I am.
No one is more disenchanted with the way things have gone than me.
In high school I was voted most popular, most likely to succeed, most outgoing, and best smile. I was captain of the cheerleading squad, dated the captain of the football team. We were the all-American couple that was going to set the world on fire.
Being a single mother with no money, working and living in this town, was never in anyone’s version of my future.
“Why wouldn’t the store be okay?”
She touches my face. “You never know, darling. Things don’t always go to plan.”
“Yeah, plans, daughters, who knows what might’ve happened…”
Mom ignores my jab and walks around. “I see you sold quite a few big pieces?”
I close my eyes, release a breath and nod. “I did.”
“Good. How’s my granddaughter?”
“Going to ask you if she can adopt a cat or a horse or maybe even an entire zoo.”
“I think it would be hard to keep a horse in the apartment.” Her smile is wide as she shakes her head. She may not be the most wonderful mother, but she is the best grandmother. Chastity is the one thing I’ve done right.
“Yes, but you know her, she loves animals more than people. She’s going to be volunteering with Dr. Hartz, cleaning out cages and whatnot. She’s really excited about it.”
My mother clasps her hands together, and her eyes brighten. “Oh, that will be wonderful for her.”
“I agree.”
“And Dr. Hartz is such a good man. He’ll definitely teach her responsibility, how to deal with people, and other great skills. Things that she’s probably missing out on at home.”
Oh, Mom, please feel free to keep telling me what a bang-up job I’ve done so far.
“What does that mean?” I ask, unable to stop myself.
“Nothing, but the girl doesn’t talk to anyone, Teagan. She has no friends, no social life, she doesn’t do anything but read and talk to animals.”
God forbid she doesn’t act the way my mother thinks she should.
“She’s fine. Chastity is a wonderful kid with fantastic grades. She’s happy, smart, respectful, and I’m glad she’s nothing like me at that age.”
Now it’s her turn to look horrified. To her, I was everything she ever wanted in a daughter. My popularity furthered hers at that time. People thought she had some secret as to why I was “perfect” and sought her out for advice all the time.
Except I was far from perfect.
“You had your chance, Teagan Berkeley. You had everything right there in front of you and then, I don’t know what happened.”
“Why do we do this, Mom?” I ask with sadness in my voice. “Why do we always go back to this? You just got home and instead of us catching up about what happened while you were away, you showing me photos, telling me that you’re happy to see me, we’re arguing about twenty years’ worth of shit?”
I watch the fight drain from her. Neither of us want this animosity between us, but it feels like it’s all we know. “I just want you to be happy. I want Chastity to have the life that you could have had. That’s all.”
“I’m glad that she’s not boy crazy or trying to fit in with the popular kids, because those popular kids grew up and are still mean. They stayed in this town, where it’s safe and they’re loved by all. None of those girls are making a difference in the world, and you know what? I want that for Chastity. I want her to go, live, experience, and be passionate and happy. I will do everything I can to make sure she doesn’t end up like me.”
“You had friends. You were happy.”
“And look at me now!”
Mom rubs her forehead. “A lot of this was your doing, sweetheart.”
As though Keith wasn’t an active participant in the whole thing. I should’ve been more careful. I should’ve never asked him to give up a career in football, money, or his freedom because I got pregnant. If I had understood what he needed, I could be married and raising a child, but I didn’t do that.
Me, me,
me. It’s always me. Women don’t exactly make a baby on their own, but we’re sure expected to deal with the consequences.
“Right, Mom. All my fault.”
“Yes, Teagan, I think some of it was your fault. You had a baby, but then you could’ve had a life. You made Keith sign away his rights, and that left you here—in this town you despise so much. You made your bed, so to speak, now you choose to lie in it.”
Her thoughts on all of this will never change as long as I continue to keep the truth of what happened to myself. I could make all this stop, but to protect Chastity, I keep my mouth shut. The worst part is that I can’t fight back too hard, because if she ever wants us out, I’m screwed. I can’t afford to lose my job or my home.
“I wish I didn’t disappoint you so much, Mom. I really do. I’m trying, and maybe someday you’ll see things differently and see the woman I’m raising, even if she doesn’t fit into your mold.”
“I’m not saying that.” She tries to soften her tone. “I want Chastity to have a life outside of books and animals as well. She needs real people who converse back with her. I want her to have love like I have with your father. She could be happy living here, just like I am. I want her to have more.”
No matter what my mom thinks of me, she loves Chastity. She’s her first, and probably only, grandchild and she’s nothing like me or even her. My mother was the homecoming queen, captain of everything, and ruled the school. She met my father, they married, and lived the small-town life. It fit for her. She’s truly happy with her life, but she doesn’t understand that people—that Chastity and I—might want more.
“She has us.”
My mother nods. “She does.”
“Believe me, Mom, that girl is going to do big things. We just have to let her find her way.”
She smiles, touches my arm. “I believe you, honey. It’s my job to worry, you understand that?”
There is a part of me that gets it. I worry constantly about Chastity. I worry I’m not giving her enough, loving her as much as I should, or that I’m not able to provide the opportunities she needs.
Could my mother be right? Maybe by not pushing her to be social I’m screwing her up. God, I hope not.
“I do understand. Does the pit in my stomach ever go away?”
Mom shakes her head. “Never. I worry about you all the time too. I worry you won’t find someone and all I want is to see you happily married to someone who will help take care of you.”
“I don’t need anyone to take care of me.” My voice sounds much stronger than I feel. I may not need it, but it would be nice.
Mom sighs, turns her head with a frustrated sigh. “We all need someone, Teagan. Love is the most basic need. I had hoped…I thought maybe Keith and you would be forever, like your father and I were.”
“Keith was never my forever,” I say with defiance.
I always knew this. I never wanted to live the rest of my life with him. I loved him, but he never got me. Keith wanted a girl who would be his constant cheerleader, not someone who wanted a career or had goals outside of him.
I wanted Derek to be my forever.
“Yes, but as a professional football player, he could’ve at least given you a nice life.”
“One filled with regrets and probably a few mistresses.”
She lifts her shoulders and then drops them. “Regrets are better than loneliness and solitude. Surely, you could’ve found someone else by now.”
I huff. “I don’t want to talk about my dating life.”
“Well, it would be hard to, since you don’t have one! When is the last time you went out with anyone? Two years? More? If you at least became a nun I could understand it.”
“What’s the point? The tourists are here for a week tops, the local people are…well, not my type, and what do I have to offer, Mom? What part of my life screams: date me?”
She tilts her head to the side with a sad smile. “You were pretty in high school.”
“Were?”
“You still are. If you put some more effort in, it might help.”
My jaw drops open. “Gee, Mom. You’re really a great ego boost.”
“You know I think you’re beautiful. Everyone says you look like me.”
I’m glad for a break in the conversation. I can handle this version of my mom. “Yes, we could be twins.”
Mom lifts her shoulder and turns her head with a smirk. “I mean…we have gorgeous hair.”
I laugh and sway my head side to side, allowing the blond locks to have that authentic beach wave. “That’s totally going to be what wins them over. Our hair is every man’s dream.”
Mom moves closer, pulling me into her arms. “I love you, darling. No matter what you think. I know I’m hard on you”—she leans back, and her voice softens—“but it’s only because I want better for you than what you have right now.”
I fight back the emotion bubbling up in my chest. “I’m really okay.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” I lie because it’s easier than telling her the truth. She won’t understand that nothing in my life, other than Chastity, is okay.
I’m falling, and it feels like nothing will stop the descent at this point. I just don’t know how badly I’ll be broken once I reach the bottom.
* * *
“How was school today?” I ask Chastity as we sit at the table for dinner.
This is the one tradition from my childhood that I will always keep. As a kid, I hated it, but as a mother, I get it. No matter what we have going on in our lives, we always sit down and have dinner together.
“It was…fine.”
Totally not buying it. “Just fine?”
She shovels food in her mouth, probably trying to keep me from asking her more, but she should really know better.
“Chas?”
Her eyes lift and then she shoves more food in. “I hate that nickname.”
Okay, it’s going to be like that.
The one thing I’ve worked extremely hard at is our relationship. I try not to keep things from her, and tried to emulate being both a friend and a mother at the same time. She’s always been an open book, so this is strange for her to hold back.
“Would you rather I shorten it to Titty?”
She snorts. “If I had any that would be better.”
I fight back the smile and wait for her to laugh, but I get nothing. “What has you so angry?”
“Nothing.”
Right, this glowing new version of herself is clearly a product of nothing.
“I’m going to keep asking,” I warn her. “I have no boundaries.”
“Oh, I know.”
“So, you should probably spill it.”
“There’s nothing to say, people are stupid.” Chastity pushes the food around on her plate. “I hate people.”
“We know that’s true. Is it a boy?”
She drops her fork and glares at me. “Really, Mom?”
“What?” I raise my hands in surrender. “Most of the time, when a girl is this…fine…it’s usually about a boy. They’re kind of dumb, you know?”
I can’t make out what she says under her breath but I swear it was something about mothers are too.
“It’s not a boy.”
“Is it your teachers?”
Chastity is often frustrated by them, since she’s pretty advanced. She’s in the gifted program and still she’s bored. It’s one of the things I despise about living in a town with very few kids, a lack of options—and funding.
“No, Mom, stop. I’m fine. I just…I had a bad day and I really hate people.”
I can understand that sentiment.
“Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.”
She huffs and starts eating again.
I start to eat my meat loaf and a few moments pass before Chastity slams her fork down. “You know what I hate? Girls. They’re so mean.”
And here we have it. “What happened?”
“She thinks she’s s
o perfect and pretty. She’s not. She’s not perfect!”
Chastity has never fit in. No matter how many playdates I set up or sports I tried to get her to try, she never enjoyed it. Instead of makeup, she’d rather study the ingredients of makeup to let me know all the hazardous things inside of them. When I tried to get her to do cheerleading, we quickly learned that clapping and doing any other motion at the same time was not her strong suit.
I’ve always described her as an old soul. She doesn’t understand why things fascinate the kids her age. She wants to talk about politics, animal rights, and spend her time learning instead of gossiping.
Her hand taps on the table, reminding me I haven’t asked her who she’s talking about.
“Who?”
“The new girl.”
Someone new? How did anyone move into this town without a bulletin going out? “We didn’t have anyone new move in.”
Her eyes narrow. “Yes we did, and the mean girl is in my class.”
“Who?”
Chastity ignores my question and starts a rant like I’ve never seen from her. “I offered to let her sit at my lunch table and she laughed and said she’d rather not be a loser on day one. Do you believe that? How would she even know that? Why am I a loser, because I’m nice?”
Now it’s my turn to feel an extreme amount of guilt. Many moons ago, I would’ve said something like that to Nina if she had offered for me to sit with her. In fact, I probably did.
I was the mean girl or at least friends with them all. So many times I would say things because I had to. It was better to fit in with them than be on the outside. I regret it.
My heart breaks a little that my daughter is on the receiving end. “You’re not a loser.”
“I know that. And I’d rather be a loser than a horrible mean girl. I’m so tired of them acting like they own the school, prancing around with their perfect hair and perfect makeup. I hate them! Someone needs to tell them that they’re not going to be popular forever.”
“Most mean girls only act mean because they’re afraid to let other people see their flaws.”
Chastity knows the stories of my…reign. “You can’t defend her, Mom. After lunch, she was telling people how I tried to get her into my cult. Cult! Then—” Chastity pauses, and I nod to encourage her. “I don’t want to say it.”
All I Ask Page 2
