Derek leans in close. “But by that point, he could’ve buried your body. This way we’re able to make sure it doesn’t get to that point.”
“They make these amazing things nowadays called…cell phones.” I shake my phone at him for emphasis.
“I’m much faster than having to hope you have service.”
“If I remember correctly, you’re not very good in a fight. Gary—Gavin is a big guy, he could kick your ass and then take us both.”
Derek’s eyes fill with mischief as he smirks. “I work out now, I can handle Gary or Gavin or whatever his name is.”
I really want to kiss him—I mean kill him—and my daughter for her big mouth. She’s the one who pushed me to do this. Nina was of course no help. I know they love me and were trying to help, but this night is definitely not going as planned.
Being in a relationship isn’t that important to me.
Nina, however, disagreed with my priorities. She believes that the more I keep myself closed off, the more I’m holding on to the idea of being with Derek.
Sure, I love him. I always will.
But I don’t want him that way.
I’m pissed at him, in fact.
I’m going to have to give up all the resentment and pain, and I’m not sure I can. Trusting him cost me my heart once before. He has the power to hurt me deeper than anyone. While some may not understand my reluctance, I’m doing what I feel will protect me.
My head and my heart are at war. Both wanting different things, but not knowing if they can trust the other to make the right choice.
“While I appreciate the concern,” I say with my voice layered with sarcasm, “I will be fine without you here to ensure I don’t get murdered.”
I release a heavy sigh and look around. If this guy stands me up, it will be worse than getting murdered. Either way, I’m going to die of something.
“I’d rather not take the chance. Chastity needs you.”
“And I don’t need you.”
He laughs and raises his now-empty bottle toward the bartender, who bites her lip as she does a hip sway. Jesus, doesn’t anyone in this town remember how much they thought he was a dork and not worth their precious time? Now it’s like the second coming of Christ since he’s back.
Derek is so great.
Derek is a wonderful man, being a widower and all.
Oh, Derek, just…bless his broken heart.
I’d like to break something on him.
Instead of giving him the satisfaction of my would-be poor reaction, I open the stupid app again to see if my date messaged me.
Sure enough.
Hi Teagan, I’m really sorry but I can’t make it out there after all. I hope you forgive me but an issue came up at the office I can’t ignore. —Gavin
Unreal. I bet what came up is his wife found the dating app he thought he’d hidden. I’m so stupid. I knew this was a bad idea.
“What has you so sour?” he asks after the bartender gives him a beer. “Why aren’t you on pins and needles for this big date?”
I turn, my hand on the bar, gripping the edge. “Why are you here?”
“I told you.”
I don’t need him to swoop back into town to save me. I’m not a broken dove. I’ve done just freaking fine on my own the last thirteen years. He wasn’t concerned about my impending murder then.
“We’re not friends anymore, Derek. I don’t need you to protect me. I’ve managed on my own with guys that were probably ten times scarier than this dude.”
His body tenses enough to notice it. “I know we’re not friends anymore, Tea.”
“I didn’t mean that—”
“No, I know I fucked that all up, but it doesn’t mean we can’t begin again.”
“There’s too much between us and we’re fools if we believe otherwise.”
“You don’t even want to try?”
I want things to go back to the way they were before he returned to Chincoteague. As much as I hated the state of my life, it was predictable. I didn’t worry about running into him. There was no constant state of unease like what’s happening now. I’m going to end up with an ulcer at this rate.
“To what end?” I toss back.
“Not the end, Tea, a new beginning. Yes, we have history and it’s messy. A long time ago we made stupid choices, but I’d like to start over.” Derek gets to his feet, extending his hand to me. “I’m Derek Hartz. I once was a good guy who was a really loyal friend and I’m an ass who learned from the mistake of hurting someone I loved. And you are?”
I could take his hand. It’s right there. I could place my palm to his, shake, and start over. He’s not the same, and neither am I. Time has changed us both and there’s nothing saying we can’t be Derek and Teagan again but grown up.
But by doing that, I’m agreeing to a new start.
His eyes hold mine and I pray he doesn’t see the storm that’s brewing inside of me.
I open my mouth when I see the sadness fill his gaze. “Teagan Berkeley,” I say, taking his peace offering. “It sounds like maybe you’re not such an ass after all. I mean, you did try to keep me from being murdered.”
Derek laughs and shakes my hand. “Maybe I’m not, but I know I’ll do my best to make sure there’s no maybe in it the next time.”
I really hope so because I don’t think I could endure losing him again.
Chapter Nineteen
Teagan
Present
“It looks like he’s not coming,” Derek says after another thirty minutes.
“Maybe he got a look at you and thought you were my date.”
I’m officially dateless and now feel lame. I didn’t tell Derek because I was hoping that he would’ve left so I could’ve snuck out without him ever knowing. Since that didn’t happen, I’ve been stuck here.
Not that I should complain, since what’s-his-face wasn’t really someone I was that excited to spend my night with. I could barely even remember his name. The last hour I’ve laughed, joked, and smiled with Derek.
It’s a little like old times, only with some eggshells under our feet.
He’s asked about my painting. I’ve asked about the animals and his family. A lot of commiserating about single parenting. There’s something really…nice about the night.
“Then I’ve done my job.” He laughs.
“Of what? Scaring off the first date I’ve had in ten years.”
“Ten years?”
Great. I let him know how pathetic I am. Truth is, it’s been longer than that. I haven’t gone on a date since Chastity was born. It’s never felt like the right time. Which is an excuse, I know this, but it worked for me. Not dating wasn’t about Derek as much as it was about the ability to handle one more rejection.
I didn’t love Keith or want to spend my life with him, but I wanted him to care for our daughter. Instead he walked away from her without a single afterthought.
“I’ve been busy.” I shrug and drain the rest of my vodka and cranberry.
“Doing? You just finished telling me how mundane and disappointing you feel your life is.”
I really need to stop drinking. I seem to have loose lips around him thanks to the vodka.
“My point is that if you scared him off, you owe me.”
“Oh, do I?” His grin makes my stomach drop.
I really wish my body would stop doing that.
If I could ignore how cute he is when he smiles, it would make this whole moving on and dating thing a lot easier.
“You do.”
“Okay, then.”
My eyes narrow because that was almost too easy. “Why do I think I walked into a trap?”
“You didn’t. If I ruined your date, I do owe you. We’re a sad pair, the two of us. I’m a widower with a teenager who thinks I’m the worst parent alive. You’re sexless for over ten years with a teenager who has to deal with mine. I think we both are pretty pathetic.”
“I didn’t say I was sexless.” I shrug
as he stares at me wide-eyed. “Please, don’t look so shocked.” It’s not like I sleep around, but the one guy that I hooked up with a few years ago was really fun, and I needed some damn fun.
He cracks his neck, trying to hide his discomfort, and then raises his drink. “Here we were, thinking we had our shit together and it turns out we’re a mess.”
“No, I knew I was a mess,” I admit. “I never said otherwise.”
“I’ll drink to that,” Derek says and lifts the glass to his lips, draining the liquid and then motioning for the bartender. “I need four shots. Two each.”
Oh, this is such a bad idea. “Shots? No.”
He rolls his eyes and amends his request. “Make that four shots, two vodka with lemon and sugar and then two tequila.”
I’m already two vodka-and-cranberry deep, which wouldn’t seem so bad, but I don’t drink much. I’m already feeling lightheaded and a little less in control. I should probably leave. The smart thing to do is to walk away before I do something I regret. Then there’s part of me that’s having fun and doesn’t want to go.
Derek is laughing…with me.
I hoped for this so many times. The two of us, just hanging out. I’ve dreamed of us doing a lot more, but this is perfect, and I don’t have a lot of perfect in my life.
“I think you’re making a mistake. I can’t really hold my liquor.”
He leans close, his voice soft and deep. “Neither can I, but I could use a night where life doesn’t suck, can’t you?”
I nod. “Well, at least I won’t be the only source of gossip anymore.”
Derek chuckles. “Here’s what I propose. Whoever’s story is the most pathetic, the other has to take a shot.”
“Oh, game on.”
He’s had six months of complete shit. I’ve had thirteen years.
“My wife was killed.”
“You went right for the jugular there,” I mumble. “Fine. I’ve spent the last thirteen years above an antique store making minimum wage.”
Derek shakes his head. “Weak. Drink.”
“You said pathetic. It’s not pathetic that your wife died…”
“No, but it’s the saddest. You having a place to live, no matter how small it is, isn’t pathetic, it’s actually admirable.”
Please, he’s reaching here. “It’s pathetic and you didn’t say sad. If we were trying for sad, then I would’ve chosen differently.”
“My game. My rules. Your story sucked in comparison.”
He’s still a cheater when it comes to games. Bastard.
“I’m not doing this because I agree,” I explain because he’ll use this excuse again. “I’m drinking because it’s easier to do than argue with you for the next hour.”
“Whatever you need to tell yourself. My story beat yours, so drink.”
I grab the lemon, pour the sugar on it, hating that I lost the first round. He watches me with his brow raised, definitely not letting me out of it. I pick up the vodka, toss it back, grip the lemon in my teeth, and bite down. I haven’t done lemon drops in so long I forgot how much they can burn.
My body shivers from the alcohol flooding my bloodstream. “You’re going down,” I warn him. “You used your one sad bit on the first one.”
“I’ve got thirteen years of stories, Tea, are you so sure?”
I glare at him. “I guess we’re about to find out. My turn.” I want to go for the kill about Keith, but I feel like I need to play this smart. “I gave birth to Chastity with the nurse as my coach after you broke up our friendship over the phone.”
At that time, I had no one I wanted by my side. My mother and I had been fighting that day and Derek’s call sent me into labor. I didn’t want to talk to anyone except him and he had made it clear that our friendship was over. The desire to be independent won out over being reasonable.
His face falls. “You were alone?”
“Well, I had Nurse Rose.”
“But you didn’t have someone who loved you there?”
“No.”
The hurt and guilt on his face cause my chest to hurt. It’s clear that the two of us are still not over things.
“I’m sorry.”
I nod. “And that wasn’t even my best story.”
“You haven’t heard mine yet.” Derek’s eyes fill with mirth. “You tried, I’ll give you that, but…”
“You can’t beat giving birth alone after you were heartbroken,” I huff while crossing my arms over my chest.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yes.”
There’s no way anything other than the fact that his wife was killed could beat it. The seriousness has completely evaporated and been replaced with the playfulness we’ve had most of the evening.
“Well, prepare to be outdone…I haven’t had sex for seven years.”
I gasp. “What?”
“Seven. Long. Fucking. Years.”
“You…haven’t had sex…for seven years?”
“Nope.”
“But you were married!”
Derek nods with purpose. “I’m aware.”
“Did you enter the priesthood or something?”
He laughs. “Not even close.”
I want to feel bad for him and drink, but I really hate losing. I don’t even know what to say to him.
“Okay, does your equipment not—”
“No!” he says quickly and nudges me. “My dick works just fine.”
Great. Now I’m picturing his dick. He had to say it.
“All right then.” I look at my drink, trying to understand why the hell he and Meghan didn’t have sex for seven years. That’s a really long time.
“Go ahead and ask…” Derek pushes.
Don’t have to ask me twice.
“Why the hell didn’t you have sex with your wife in seven years?”
He grabs his beer and drains it. “Because she and I were basically separated. We were roommates, trying to make things normal for Everly, but they weren’t working. So, it was…hard.”
“Or not,” I joke.
“Or not.” Derek laughs. “So, clearly you need to drink because…I win.”
My eyes narrow and I want to give him this win because, Dear God. Then I remember how much my story is really worse than his. He could’ve left. He could’ve found someone else or whatever, but he chose to stay with Meghan.
“Nice try, buddy, but you didn’t have to push a baby out of your vagina alone.” I push the shot toward him. “While your lack of sex is pretty sad, it’s not depressing enough to win, therefore”—my voice has a hint of mockery to it—“you’re drinking.”
Derek leans back in the chair, swirling the shot glass in his hand. “You don’t think being married and not allowed to have sex isn’t the sadder story here?”
“You were with Meghan when Everly was born, right?”
He deadpans. “Right.”
I laugh without humor. “Imagine that entire scene but no one there to share it with. Imagine the pain and no one to hold your hand but some stranger who can’t remember your name correctly.”
“Why didn’t you call your mother?”
This is the question she asks me anytime I bring it up. The answer is stupid, but it’s the truth. “I didn’t want anyone to see me that way.”
“What way?”
I allow the hurt to fill my eyes because the word is…pathetic at best. “Broken.”
He reaches his hand out to touch mine, but he pulls it back.
Instead of saying something, which I see he wants to, he grabs his shot and tosses it back. “Fuck.”
I giggle as he shudders from the burn. “You should’ve asked for a chaser.”
“Chasers are for pussies.”
I burst out laughing. “Which you haven’t had in seven years, my friend. So I guess you going without one tonight is par for the course.”
He moves in, his lips against my ear. “Those in sexless houses shouldn’t throw stones.”
There’s s
omething I’d like to throw and it isn’t a stone. Like myself…at him…which will not happen.
“Okay, you go. We’re one and one.”
I can’t wait to hear this one. Again, I’ve got ammunition for days. “I’ve gotta think…”
There’s a few things I could go with, like the fact that Keith makes millions of dollars and I make minimum wage. Or how my car barely works and I can’t afford to fix it so I bribe our local mechanic with free gifts from the store whenever he’s in the dog house.
Now I’m a country song. God help me.
“You’re about to forfeit if you don’t spit it out.” I need to keep this going or my mind is going to get me in trouble.
Thinking is bad because right now, I’m thinking about how cute he looks as he’s in his head. How his hair is darker than I remember and his lips just a bit fuller.
I wonder if he sees the little things in me too. Does he wish we could go back in time and tell each other everything?
My head turns toward him as he stares at his drink. “Hmmm…”
I return to my line of thinking as I wish I had the courage to ask him.
Do you?
Do you think about me? Do you think about how we could’ve been? Do you wish it was all different? Do you see how my heart is still broken? Do you see that I never stopped loving you?
“What?” Derek’s eyes are on mine and my heart races.
Please tell me I didn’t say any of that out loud.
“What?”
“What did you say?”
“I didn’t say anything,” I stammer.
“I heard you.”
“Then why are you asking?” I toss back.
I can’t believe I said it aloud. I have to get out of here. My feet hit the ground and I grab the last shot, tossing it back. “You win.”
There’s no way I can ever look at him again. I’m mortified. As quickly as my drunk legs will take me, I get outside the bar. The cold air hits me in the face, sobering me a bit.
“I’m so stupid,” I whisper to the wind.
“Teagan.” Derek’s hand is on my arm.
“Please, you don’t have to say anything.”
“I think I do.”
“No, I’ve been drinking and we were just…it was stupid and I…just let me go and tomorrow we can pretend that this didn’t happen.”
All I Ask Page 12
