“I’ve found a therapist,” she mumbled, one night after dinner when we were stacking the dishes.
“You have?” I asked, trying to sound calm, but my heart leapt when she gave me that news.
“Yeah, the office is only a block from yours, young, too. That was part of the reason why I made the appointment. Most of the ones I’ve seen that deal with loss and PTSD are knocking on seventy. I know it sounds stupid, but I don’t want some wise ol’ lady judging me like I was some kind of a whore in my teens.”
“Baby, that would never happen. Those people answer that calling because they want people to heal, not to condemn you.”
“We’ll see. This guy’s only the same age as Sawyer—”
“A guy? You’re going to lie on a couch and talk to another man about this when you’ve struggled to spill your story to me?”
“Yeah, I am, and I can because it’s his job and he’s not you. Besides, I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about it with a woman. Do you have a problem with that?” The challenge in her voice told me if I had objected, she’d have given up on the whole idea. “I thought you wanted me to—”
“I do,” I blurted, “I just never figured you’d want to share such an intimate subject with another man.”
“It beats facing a woman, James. Men can’t get pregnant, and I figure that’ll give me a better head start on handling my emotions. He’s less likely to say something judgmental that would make me want to kick him in the balls. And if he’s a dick, I don’t have to go back, right?”
“Right,” I replied, agreeing. I blew out a breath and felt the sudden tension that had grown in my chest subside.
This was her story, her trauma, and she had obviously thought long and hard about how best to face her feelings. My jealousy was on me, and the only way to help Tricia through her pain was to support the choices she made.
“Then I’m going to take you there and be there when you come out. If for any reason I can’t I’ll make sure you have a driver to take you home.”
“The therapist’s office is less than a mile from home.”
“I don’t care if it’s in the next building, Tricia. I’m not leaving you to walk home alone after some guy has pulled your head apart and left you with feelings you’re not prepared to handle. Who knows what may come up?” I expected another argument, but she smiled instead and pecked me on the lips.
“You’re wasted on me. You can be such a gentleman at times.” I nodded, smiling. “In bed… not so much sometimes…” she added and sighed dreamily.
I laughed because I had won a small battle, or she had let me win … whichever it was made no difference to me, because she had made a small concession by allowing me to ensure she was safe.
When Tricia first started her therapeutic journey, there were times when I seriously wondered if I’d done the right thing by talking her into it. Her mood swings felt like she was bipolar at times. There were days when she coped well and would tell me what she thought about her hour with the therapist. At other times her mood swings had made it difficult for me to even hazard a guess.
What had kept me going was some of the comments she made, which gave me a glimpse of the life she had lived before, what she had blamed herself for, and gradually I noticed her thought processes began to change.
When she first began working with Miles, I found her hard to reach at times. As the weeks passed by, I saw lighter moments again and outwardly she had appeared more like the woman I’d fallen in love with. There were windows where her sassy and feisty persona shone through and her behavior was much less adrift as time went on.
“My mom should have handled my situation better,” Tricia commented out of nowhere one evening when we had been drinking wine, cuddling, and watching a movie on TV.
The story was an action adventure and had nothing to do with her outburst, so I knew she’d been thinking about her therapy session earlier that day.
Since she had entered her therapeutic process I had been careful not to expand on something she said, preferring to agree or ask her to think again because I hadn’t wanted to put thoughts in her head that would impede the work of Miles, her shrink.
“Yeah, she should have,” I agreed, kissed the top of her head, and tightened my arms around her.
“Miles wants me to confront her, he thinks it would help me to hear her take responsibility for making a decision without my consent.”
“And what do you think?” Tricia grabbed my free hand that had been resting on her lap and laced her fingers with mine.
“I think he’s right. While my mom has gone on with her life apparently unaffected, and our neighbors are none the wiser, she sacrificed my mental health in favor of people who shouldn’t have mattered.”
“All right, so if that’s how you feel, do it,” I agreed. “Bearing in mind it may lead to Marnie, your brother in law, Franco, and most importantly your dad knowing. Are you prepared for that … comfortable with that?” Concern tightened my chest because the last thing I wanted for her was to challenge her mom and create another layer of hurt for herself.
“I’m not there, yet,” she said, drawing out the word. “If it spreads the burden for this between me and my mom, then it’s something I need to do. Will I feel comfortable doing it? Absolutely not. My biggest fear is my father finding out and how he would look at me afterward. We have a special relationship, have had all my life … I think that’s why I’ve been scared to confront my mom in the past, and why I haven’t taken you to meet them yet.”
“Tricia, from what you’ve told me, the man dotes on you. If it’s pure unconditional love he’s not going to change his opinion. Your mom, on the other hand— he may have a few things to say to her on your behalf when he does find out. Perhaps you should set yourself a timeline for this, don’t go rushing into it. Think about what you want to say, write it down, and think on it again. After a week or so, go back and see if what you wrote is still what you want to say, if not amend it. Then, when you do finally face her, you’ll be rehearsed and measured in the way you want to handle it. Control is key for you to finding your peace with this. Who knows, your mom may say something that unlocks some answers for you. I mean, as you never spoke about it, you have no idea about the things left unsaid.”
“I’d hate that … to lose control in front of her,” she said.
“If and when you decide to do it, I think you’d feel better not being on home turf. Let me know when you’re ready, we could use the family penthouse instead of either of our places, that way you won’t have to picture conversations that took place at home,” I suggested.
“Did you fall from the sky?” Tricia asked, affectionately, a small smile on her face. “How do you think of this stuff?”
“You forget I’ve been where you are now. I had to face my family after Charlotte and I split up in my parents’ kitchen,” I shrugged, “I get replays of that conversation when I visit sometimes.”
Leaning up, she brushed my lips with hers. “You’re a good man, James, and Charlotte was a manipulative bitch. I’m sorry she put you through that. I know you feel as if you were weak, but you weren’t, you were just being human,” she replied, sounding angry at how I was treated.
“Forget about her, I’ve moved on to a far better life, but just know I’m here for you all the way, baby. I think you’re so fucking brave. When I think of all the years you’ve carried this alone, it breaks my heart,” I squeezed her hand, “and I’m really proud of how you’re handling this.”
Pulling away from me she looked touched by my words, swallowed audibly and tears welled in her eyes.
“You really love me, don’t you?” she asked in a whisper, but it wasn’t really a question because I showed her every day.
“What’s not to love? You light up my life … and the sex isn’t half bad either,” I joked, lightening the mood. She chuckled. “So, since we’ve lost track of the plot of this movie, what say we grab another bottle of wine, some ice from the icebox, and I’ll t
each you a neat little move that involves us getting naked and tangling our sheets?” Tricia grinned and shook her head.
“Sex isn’t bad, huh? Looks like I may need to up my game, Mr. Wild.”
“Oh, you’ve got plenty of game already, lady, but I figure I still may have a trick or two left up my sleeve. Want to test that theory out with me?” I asked, wagging my brows. She rewarded me with a chuckle.
“A girl can always use a little more magic,” she agreed.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“I think I’m ready to face my mom.” Tricia’s declaration came exactly a year after we’d gotten together in Denver. I wondered if it was her way of celebrating our anniversary, or if it was more a case that she’d finally accepted she wasn’t entirely to blame for her mistakes and wanted to move her life forward.
The day before she said this I’d been in a pretty reflective mood. It had led me to take the morning off from work to visit a high-class jeweler my mom used for maintaining her antique pieces.
For most of the previous month, I’d contemplated proposing to her, but had talked myself out of it because I’d thought I was being selfish when she had so much more emotional angst going on.
Hitting the year anniversary without a significant gesture felt wrong. My father had shown his faith in me by sending me to Denver, and Tricia and I had shown the same in one another by deciding to be together. That reasoning told me to trust myself and do what my gut felt was right. My gut, like the rest of me, wanted her to be my wife, so I went and chose a ring.
“Yeah?” I asked, stopping in my tracks from stuffing towels into the beach cart we usually took when heading there. We had been packing for a day at Sawyer and Billie’s, a day of fun in the sun. Sawyer and I had gone halves on a boat, named Marina Stuntman and our new baby was a Martimo X60, a sixty foot, high-end, eight berth sporting yacht with fabulous seating on the upper deck and reliable Volvo engineering.
We’d ordered it one night on impulse when we were very drunk, and our women had gone on a girls’ weekend to a spa. This was the result of a discussion we’d had about the old fishing lake back at our parents’ place, not that we’d ever fished together. Buying a boat had felt like the perfect solution to remedy this.
We could have afforded plenty of boats of our own, but we’d decided to go halves on a sizable sporting yacht as a bonding exercise. As he already had a large dock and jetty at his oceanfront home, the logistics of owning one had been taken care of and the next thing we knew, we were trolling the internet for one.
“I found a text from Marnie this morning. She’s heading over to my parents’ house at the weekend. I thought we could go over there tomorrow, and I’ll introduce you properly, since they only met you briefly when Billie invited them to the wedding.”
“Sounds good,” I agreed.
“What would you say if I invited my mom to New York for the weekend? Then it would give me the opportunity to get her on her own and have it out with her without anyone else around.”
“I like that you feel strong enough to do it,” I stated, proudly. I stopped packing the cart and hugged her. Tricia rested her cheek on my chest, drew a deep breath in, and huffed it out. I felt the tension within her relax.
“Right,” she stated with some finality in her tone. “I’m going to do my best to enjoy myself today because the next few weeks may feel a little overwhelming at times.”
Taking her by her upper arms, I pushed her back and dipped my head so I met her eye to eye. My heart squeezed with the turmoil that clouded hers. “I’m here, Tricia, and I got you. You can do this.”
She nodded. “I can. With you and Miles behind me, I feel so much stronger to face whatever comes out of this.”
“Answers will come, and they’ve got to be positive,” I reminded her. Even if it wasn’t the answers she was expecting, they were a piece of the puzzle that had stunted Tricia’s life decades before.
“Right. Enough, let’s get moving, the kids will be climbing the walls waiting to get out on the boat,” she said, changing the subject. Smiling, I left her and went to finish the task I’d been doing. I wondered whether to put the plans I had had for that night on hold or whether to fire ahead and propose to her regardless.
“There you are!” Brynn exclaimed, as Colby rushed forward and opened Tricia’s passenger side door. Standing dressed in her Minnie Mouse swimsuit and a pair of bright pink flip-flops, her expression told of the anguish she felt at being made to wait for our arrival.
I bit back a grin at how contradictory her unruly dark hair had been swept into a severe schoolmarm bun atop of her head, alongside the fake tattoos she had at various places on her right upper arm was against her outfit. The girl was her rock star father’s image through and through.
“Move back then and let me get out,” Tricia told both kids. Colby grabbed Brynn by the hand and did as she asked.
“Go tell Dad they’re here,” Colby instructed his sister, who ran off with slapping sounds from her little flip-flops ringing in our ears.
“That one has been driving us nuts waiting for you guys to get here,” Colby informed us.
“She’s a handful,” I agreed, as Tricia popped the trunk but said nothing. Joining her there I lifted the beach cart straight out of her SUV and set it down on the ground. Extending the cart handle we headed into the house, dragging it behind us.
Hammer was in their music studio working but came out when he saw us arrive and headed over to the coffee machine. “Great boat, James. Sawyer showed me around yesterday when it arrived. The kids are peeing their pants with excitement, they can’t wait to get out there.”
We stood making small talk for a couple of minutes until Billie came to the open sliders on the other side of the house.
“Would you guys get a move on, I’m about to go bald trying to contain these three out here. Brynn’s already jumped off the jetty on the other side of the boat once.”
I snickered at being told off and concluded my conversation with Hammer before making my way outside.
“Auntie Tricia,” Remy called out from the stairs on the upper deck of the boat where Sawyer stood.
“Hey, bud,” I called back to my nephew and ignored that he’d spoken to her. “Permission to come aboard?”
“What does that mean?” he called out and turned his whole body, leaned back, and looked expectantly up at his dad.
“Get your ass up here,” Sawyer called out to me, pretending to be annoyed.
“Get your ass up here,” Remy called back, mimicking his dad.
“Remy, what did I tell you about using your daddy’s potty words?” Billie scolded, shading her eyes from the sun and glaring up at her husband. “Sawyer Wild, you need to watch that mouth of yours, these are your children, you know. What did I tell you?”
“Guys, are we going out on a trip or does anyone else want to hold us up?” Colby looked seriously fed up as he glanced embarrassed toward another teenage boy standing beside him.
“Sorry, Colby, we’re almost ready” I said, realizing he had company and probably felt mortified by all of us, like most teenage boys did.
Tricia had wandered toward Billie, who had lifted Brynn and perched her on her hip. They stood on the back of the bottom deck already, but Billie set Brynn down again after wiping something from her eye. On a sideward glance, I saw Remy as he began negotiating the steep steps from the upper to lower deck. Rushing forward I caught him two steps from the bottom and lifted him up in my arms.
“Whoa, buddy. You need to ask an adult to help you move between decks, Pirates rules, little man. Got it?”
“Sorry, Uncle James, I want to see Auntie Tricia,” he mumbled, his head bent as he spoke into my chest.
After hugging him I set him down on the deck and he made a beeline straight for Tricia. When Tricia sat down, Remy immediately followed, climbed up on the seat next to her and chatted enthusiastically. It was clear he adored her.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw him creep closer t
o her until you couldn’t have split a hair between them. Turning my head, I saw Brynn walk over, and climb up beside Tricia on the other side.
Remy climbed onto Tricia’s knee and Brynn appeared jealous as she tried to push him off. Billie wandered over, muttered something to Tricia, and picked Brynn up, but I didn’t hear what she said as Billie stepped farther inside the cabin out of view.
“Excuse us.” Colby’s voice distracted me, and I glanced in his direction. “Can we pass, Uncle James?” he asked, nodding to the stairs I had stood in front of.
“Right, sorry, and this is?” I asked, nodding toward his friend.
“Damian,” his friend replied, confidently, “Colby’s buddy—we’re on the same baseball team.”
“Pleased to meet you, Damian,” I replied, and stood aside.
The following ten minutes were spent equipping everyone out with life jackets and ensured the kids understood their boundaries.
Once Sawyer was satisfied everything was in hand, we set sail for the ocean. Instead of all the seating being up on the upper deck, we’d had the spec changed to provide double berth extra seating on the lower deck to provide a great view from the stern.
For the first hour we were exhilarated by the speed and it moved well in the water, thanks to the powerful engine on board. After weighing anchor, we then spent an hour fooling around in the refreshing cool waves of the Atlantic.
Although the water had felt freezing at first, the weather was perfect for a swim in the ocean. Calm waters made it as near to perfect as we could have hoped for.
The twins swam contained within a little plastic structure that floated on top of the waves, but had a small compartment to keep them in a confined space, allowing them around three feet of water to swim in while it kept them securely attached to the boat. Sawyer really had thought things through in the wake of our impulsive buy.
Tricia told us she’d been put off swimming in the ocean after watching “Jaws” as a kid. I knew better than to tease her about that. She made up for her lack of participation by keeping watch on the twins to let Billie swim with Sawyer and the rest of us.
Resist You (Unchained Attraction Book 3) Page 20
