“Do you like it?” she asked, pleased that he saw the same thing in the clay that she had.
“Very much,” he said, and she saw him wrapping his own subtle magics around it, protecting it from breaking or being damaged by the water of the pond. She beamed at him then, knowing he wouldn’t go to that effort if he didn’t really like it.
“It was made by a human artist I met recently. As soon as I saw it I thought of you, and that you should have it,” she looked from her friend to the statue, her smile taking on a wistful air. “It reminds me of you actually.”
“Does it?” he said in disbelief. “I think it looks far more graceful and ethereal than I. My own equine form is rather more fearsome.”
“Many see you that way, I have no doubt; you are a fierce and dangerous thing,” Allie agreed, and he preened under the praise “But to me there will always be something…elegant about you in your horse form. Something of an unearthly beauty that I see in this to lesser degree, although I cannot say that any statue no matter how wonderfully made could do you justice.”
He turned and looked at her for a long time, the sounds of the birds waking up filling the woods around them. Finally, slowly, he said “You speak so sincerely I believe you mean what you say.”
“Of course I do,” she said, puzzled, “I always mean what I say.”
He nodded slightly, weighing the statue in his hand thoughtfully. “Then I value this gift all the more. When I look at it I will be reminded of how you see me.”
She wasn’t entirely sure what he meant by that, but as long as he appreciated the gift there was no point worrying about it. “I am glad you like it. I need to get back and get some breakfast soon, but I think I have time for one game of chess, if you are interested?”
He flashed a toothy smile, very different from his earlier one, “Most definitely. Let me put this somewhere safe and get the board out.”
************************
When Allie walked back to the house an hour later she was lost in thought. It had been good to see Ciaran again, and although there was risk in letting him come to the house she was glad she had decided to extend the invitation. How she was going to explain the situation to Liz she didn’t know, but she’d figure something out, and really it was her home too, she had a right to invite guests.
She also found herself thinking about Corey. She was angry at him for breaking her windows, and that angry part was glad he’d been caught. On the other hand she was ashamed that he had been hurt, and she had no illusions that it had been an accident. The spell she had cast had found its mark and had accomplished what she, in her anger, had wanted it to do. The thought made her stomach turn. I am not a bad person Allie told herself as she crossed the yard. I am not. I was angry and I made a mistake but that doesn’t make me bad. I know what bad looks like, I grew up surrounded by it, and I am not like that. One lapse, one angry moment doesn’t make me evil. Still she shifted uncomfortably, unbidden the memories played of using Jess’s energy to strengthen herself – something she still wasn’t sure about – of using the knowledge from the grimoire, of the petty, possessive satisfaction of knowing Jess was completely hers even though it went against his nature. That last especially gave her pause, and as she was stepping into the kitchen from the backdoor she felt the beginning of a realization forming, Maybe Jess only feels that way because –
The thought was cut off as Bleidd grabbed her and pulled her fully into the room. She was startled enough to cry out “Hey!”
“Where have you been?” he hissed in Elvish, dragging her all the way back against the counters. “What happened?”
“What? Nothing,” Allie said, caught totally off guard. “I went out to visit Ciaran.”
“You cannot be serious!” he said, furious.
“Why are you so upset? It’s not a problem Bleidd.”
“It’s not a problem? Have you no common sense at all? With everything that is going on, with you in danger…”
“I am not in danger,” she tried to interrupt, but he ignored her.
“…and you go wandering off while everyone is sleeping, without a word!” he shook her slightly for emphasis, and she grunted at the unexpected force. When he spoke again, through gritted teeth, it was in English. “Leave a Gods’ damned note next time!”
“Bleidd, I…I didn’t mean to worry anyone. I just…”Allie stuttered. “I don’t know why everyone is blowing this whole thing out of proportion.”
He leaned forward and kissed her, his mouth rough against hers, demanding. His fear, love, and need overwhelmed her so that she went limp against him. He pressed her back against the counter, his body hard and unyielding, his hands sliding around to hold her tightly. A spark of panic flashed through her at the sensation of being trapped, breaking the initial paralysis, and she flailed, jerking her head away from his and shoving her hands against his chest.
He stepped back as soon as she pushed him, blinking slowly, like someone waking from a dream. As soon as he moved away from her, the panic eased and she took a deep breath, her hands shaking. He looked down at her, taking in her pale face and wide eyes, and let out a ragged sigh. “You are going to be the death of me, Aliaine, you really are.”
“Don’t say that,” she said. “Please. I’m sorry I didn’t think to leave a note.”
He laughed, a sound that did not hold much humor in it. “And so now we are going to change the subject, are we?”
“Bleidd,” Allie said, looking down, “you said you weren’t going to push me. So don’t push me. I can’t handle it, not right now and maybe not ever. The pushing I mean. I know how you feel about me, you told me and even if you hadn’t as messed up as my shielding is right now I’d be able to feel it for myself. But I’m…I’ve got a lot I’m trying to deal with right now, and I need you to help me, not to make it worse.”
“Am I making it worse?” he asked, his eyes holding hers.
“Well, things like this don’t help.”
“I need you Allie. I can’t help needing you. I know you love him too, but you loved me first. It’s my own fault that I would rather have waited until you were older and ready for a relationship, but he rushed things and it is what it is now,” he frowned as he spoke and Allie held very still. Bleidd rarely opened up about his personal feelings or thoughts when he was sober, instead using sarcasm and cynicism to hide himself. Having lived among humans for so long as an Outcast he had come to fear the strength of his emotions even more than most elves did and hid them so deeply that Allie wondered sometimes if even he knew how he felt. She was afraid to say anything now and ruin the moment. “Perhaps I should have spoken sooner, made my feelings plain. Certainly I should not have let myself wallow in self-pity and drink. All the decades I spent shunned by my own people wandering from town to town, never accepted…. Finding you here, the way that you cared about me despite my past, despite my flaws…how could I not love you? I want nothing but for you to give me a chance too, but I feel as if you hold back from me.”
She could not repress a small laugh at that. His face shuttered immediately, and she reached out, gently touching his arm before he could step back. “Don’t take that personally. Jess said almost the exact same thing to me a few days ago, about how I hold back. It seems I have a problem in any relationship opening up and depending on others.”
He relaxed slightly, but the sarcasm was back and she knew that rare open moment was gone, “So I should count myself in good company? Somehow that is less than reassuring.”
“I am who I am,” she said seriously. “And who I am is someone who hates feeling weak or like I need to rely on other people, more now than before.”
He looked stricken at that and stepped forward again, his emotions swinging like a pendulum. Reaching out he gently gathered her against his chest but this time his hold was loose and she relaxed, remembering the closeness they had had over the years of their friendship. He said, “It is my fault that you feel that way Allie. I never should have left you at the
funeral, and had I not then you would never have been taken.”
She shook her head, pulling back slightly, “That is not true. If they hadn’t gotten me then they would have gotten me another time. You can’t blame yourself for that.”
She hesitated slightly, then decided to risk asking something she’d been curious about since he seemed unusually willing to talk openly about deeper things, “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to, but why did you follow them that night?”
Bleidd reached up stroking the side of her face, “I should tell you some noble reason, but the truth is simply that I could not sit back, waiting to hear if you lived or died, while they all went.”
“You don’t think that’s noble?”
He’s mouth quirked up into a lopsided smile, “I think it’s a terribly selfish reason. The fact that my choice to follow them for purely selfish reasons led to my punishment being lifted and my name being restored is almost unbearably ironic.”
Allie didn’t agree, but decided it wasn’t worth an argument. Bleidd would see himself as he chose, he always had, and nothing she said would change that. “But it was restored. You aren’t an Outcast anymore.”
He stepped away, moving to make coffee. She stayed leaning against the counter. After a moment he gave her a thoughtful look, “It’s a strange thing that it took only a single instant, a single proclamation, to change my life forever – to strip away everything that I had been born with, lived with, and earned in nearly a thousand years. I was declared an Outcast and in that breath my entire life ceased to exist. And yet when I was redeemed, also in an instant, with a single declaration, it did not erase those intervening years. It legally restored what had been taken but it did nothing to change my heart. Going home showed me that while nothing there had changed, I had changed, and I could not simply return to who I had been before.”
Allie nodded as the smell of coffee wafted through the kitchen and the happy sounds of the coffee machine filled the air. She thought of her own struggles to be the same person she had been before she was hurt. “I know what you mean.”
“Perhaps you do,” he said sadly. Then he shook himself slightly, moving briskly to the refrigerator and taking out yogurt and fruit for his breakfast. “Enough of that maudlin talk. If you decide to go wander through the woods again then make sure you let either Jason or myself know, even if it means waking one of us up.”
She repressed the reflexive argument that sprang to her lips and decided to change the subject instead. “Just so you know Brynneth is coming over today, maybe Jess too.”
He carried his breakfast over to the table while she fixed herself a large mug of coffee. “Are they so concerned about your safety now that they are checking on you here? Or have you decided to take Brynneth to your bed too just to test my self-control?”
“Dear Gods Bleidd, that isn’t funny!”
“I wasn’t joking,” he said, eating calmly. “About either.”
“Well stop being an ass then,” Allie said, not at all amused. “Because that isn’t funny. And you should know better than to think I’d do something like that anyway.”
He sighed, waving his spoon in a dismissive gesture, “Fine, you have no interest in Brynneth. So why then is he coming here? Is it to check on your safety? Because I may be sadly out of practice in many things but I am more than capable of securing this house to protect you, assuming you are gracious enough to tell me where you are.”
Allie opened her mouth to snap back at him, tired of his repeated jabs, but she stopped herself. His mood was odd today, somehow more vulnerable than usual, more open, but also defensive. Instead of immediately replying she took a deep breath and then said, “I bargained with him, well with the Guard, and agreed to help them investigate a missing person’s case partially in exchange for some healing work.”
His head snapped up, his worry hitting her like a physical blow, making her gasp slightly and struggle to reinforce her tattered shields. When he spoke though his voice held none of what he felt, sounding flat and emotionless. “And why would you need healing work?”
She took a big gulp of her coffee, feeling it burn all the way down, before answering. “It’s complicated but I…am having a hard time since getting hurt. I’m hoping he can help me heal some of the…non-physical injuries.”
“Non-physical injuries,” he repeated, bitterly.
“Bleidd…” her voice trailed off, unsure what to say.
He stood up abruptly, moving with the extraordinary speed of the Fey. The legs of the chair squealed against the floor in protest. Allie kept her head down, avoiding his eyes, as he walked over and dropped his bowl into the sink. He turned on his heel and walked towards the hallway but stopped in the door. She could feel his emotions heavy in the air: anger, grief, worry, love, jealousy. The mix and intensity made her stomach turn and she regretted drinking the coffee. Swallowing hard she pushed her cup away.
He spoke in that same flat voice, “I have to work today but tomorrow I will go with you to the store. Jason and I have already discussed it and I will stay with you on the days I am off of work while he will remain with you the rest of the time.”
“Do I get any say in this?” she asked, nettled that they’d had this entire conversation about her, without caring what she thought.
“No,” he said, disappearing down the hall. A moment later she heard the door to his room close.
Frustrated she lay her head down on the kitchen table. Deep down she knew that her friends were only trying to help her but after spending so much time during the previous investigation being shadowed by the Elven Guard, the idea of once again being followed around everywhere was galling. She did not want anyone, even her friends, going everywhere with her, and she really didn’t want to have to check in with them and report all her movements. Groaning she sat back up, and then stood, deciding she’d skip the coffee today. She had to get ready for Brynneth anyway.
**************************
She lay perfectly still listening to him move around in the other room. Her wrists and ankles ached constantly now where the ropes had chaffed the skin raw and she tried never to move anymore. Moving made everything hurt more.
She held her breath as the sounds outside came closer to the door, than moved away.
She heard another sound, a voice pleading. Another girl. She felt a wave of guilty relief. He wouldn’t bother her then, not now, he had someone else.
She was certain now this was Hell and she was never getting out again.
*************************
Brynneth arrived just past noon, alone. Although Allie would normally have been glad to see Jess she had to admit under the circumstances she was relieved that he hadn’t come along.
“Welcome,” she greeted him in Elvish, “Come in. I thought this might best be done upstairs in my room.”
Brynneth inclined his head in an elven shrug, “Greetings. Wherever you are most comfortable would be the best place, I think.”
She ushered Brynneth into the house trying to subtly hurry him up to her room, the only place she could have any real privacy with most of her roommates home. She knew that Liz especially would not approve of her having the healer alone in her bedroom, but she wasn’t entirely sure what this kind of healing was going to entail and she was nervous about trying to do it in front of an audience. Particularly given that Shawn was likely to stand there and ask a million questions. Her stomach was still upset, either from her disagreement with Bleidd that morning or from anticipating the healing, so she had skipped lunch, which made her feel more on edge.
“So how does this work?” she asked as soon as they reached her room, closing the door behind them.
Brynneth smiled reassuringly at her, “Peace Aliaine - Allie. Have you never had non-physical healing before?”
“No, never, although I know it can be done.”
“Ah, I see. Well it is much the same as physical healing for the one receiving it. You can lay down somewhere comfortab
le and relax and I will take a moment to assess what needs to be done and decide the best approach. In some circumstances it is enough to simply channel healing energy into the body and let it go where it is most needed. If the injury is more complex or severe then I may use a spell tailored to address that specific need.”
Allie nodded. “Do I…will I need to talk to you about what happened?”
His face softened losing a little of the businesslike reserve he normally had. “No, although you should know that during any healing I become aware of whatever events caused the trauma.”
She mulled that over. “So when you do a physical healing you know what exactly caused the injury?”
“Yes,” he said watching her face carefully.
She looked down, feeling her fists clenching, but when she spoke she managed to keep her voice level, “Well then, since you saved my life…afterwards…you already know everything.”
“It might be good for you to talk about it. When you are ready to,” he said, still watching her carefully.
She inclined her head, unconsciously imitating an elven shrug, to avoid saying anything in response. The last thing she wanted to do was talk about what happened, with anyone. She stepped towards the bed, the only place to lay down in the room besides the floor, and then stopped. “Does Jess know?”
“We have never discussed it. As far as I am aware he knows only what he saw for himself when we found you, or guessed, and what you may have told him. How much he may have guessed I do not know,” Brynneth said.
Allie felt relief wash over her; at least there had been no secret conversation about what she’d suffered through. As far as she was concerned the less Jessilaen knew about the details of that night the better. She climbed onto the bed, lying down in the center, and he sat down next to her.
“Are you comfortable?” he asked.
Lost in Mist and Shadow: A Between the Worlds Novel Page 21
