by Kahlen Aymes
Cade let out his breath as the corner of his mouth twitched in a half smile as his eyes came back to my face. It didn’t go unnoticed by David, and I could sense the tension building between the two men. David couldn’t wait to leave; evident by the way he was pulling on the back of my dress.
Not to give up our secret meeting in the morning, Cade made the pretense of telling me goodbye for the others’ benefit. Everyone was watching us to see how it would go down, our on-set chemistry something that was speculated by many of the cast and crew to be an off-screen romance as well.
Cade took me in his arms and when he held me tight against him, his arms tight around my back, it felt like heaven. Breathing in his scent, I clung to him, my arms around his waist. All I need are his arms around me, I thought. He kissed me twice, once on the side of my face, and then my temple.
“I’m really going to miss you. Try to keep in touch if you can.”
I felt my stomach lurch and my heart drop. Tears stung my eyes despite the fact that I would see him in the morning. I hugged him closer to me not wanting to let go. I nodded, the top of my head brushing his chin. “You have to know I’ll miss you, too, so much,” I said into his chest. I’d been close to him a lot over the past five months, held in his arms, kissed him, held on for dear life, both on set and off.
I took a trembling breath and forgot David standing behind me, forgot everyone but Cade, as I looked up into his deep blue eyes. “I couldn’t have done this without you,” I whispered. “Cade, the song, was so beautiful. Thank you.” My voice cracked as he drew me back into his embrace.
“Oh, Brook,” he whispered softly, so only I could hear. I felt his breath in my hair as he breathed me in, and his hand at the back of my head as his hold on me tightened. My hands clutched at his back and shoulders of their own volition, my fingers winding into the material of his shirt. Behind him, Sarah, who played his mother, Elyse, was crying softly, as she watched the two of us clinging to each other.
Slowly, Cade pulled my arms from around his waist, lightly kissed me on the mouth, and then each of my two hands. “Take care of yourself, love,” he said.
I couldn’t speak, but could only look at him with pleading eyes. I nodded, not able to tear my gaze from his. Cade kept my hand in his as David finally hauled me out, following behind us to the curb where the car waited. Cade’s reluctant fingers fell away from mine as David shoved me inside.
I was shaking so hard, I thought my bones would break. Tears slipped from under my closed eyes and melted down my face. I turned toward the window, away from David as my heart broke. Hopefully, he wouldn’t see the depth of my grief, as I struggled to get control of myself. I didn’t need to worry. He was totally self-absorbed.
“Glad that fiasco is over with! Do you think he slobbered you up enough?” David laughed in disgust. He tried to put his arm around me, and I hedged away from him. For God’s sake, couldn’t he see how badly I felt? I was breaking, and he didn’t care why, though he could’ve been a little understanding.
“Please—just stop! I’m sorry, I wasn’t prepared for any of this.”
I was so mad at him for ruining the last night that I could spend close to Cade, which I knew wasn’t fair of me. He was, after all, my boyfriend. I looked back at the curb as we drove off. Cade was standing in the street, staring after us with his arms wrapped around himself. The look on his face nearly killed me. Gavin walked up and put his arm around Cade’s shoulders, but he remained frozen in place. I hated seeing him in pain. It was like a knife in my fragile heart, and I couldn’t breathe. After a few minutes, I was able to collect myself enough to speak. “David,” I cleared my throat, “I really want to be alone tonight. I have to pack up my things, and my flight leaves pretty early. I need some sleep. I’m wiped out.” I found myself thankful that my manager had booked my flight long ago, so David and I wouldn’t be on the same plane.
He looked at me with disdain. “Brook, I wanted you tonight,” he said. “After the fiasco on your birthday.”
Ugh! I thought. I couldn’t bear the thought of it. It had been months since we’d been together like that, since before I started spending all of my time with Cade. Now, even though Cade and I had not touched like lovers, at least while not filming, I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone else’s hands on my body. So, what the fuck was I going to do now?
“Not tonight, David. I didn’t expect you to be here, and frankly, it made things harder. This was very difficult for me, and your attitude only makes it worse.” I could see this was going to be an argument, but I didn’t care. “Driver, can you stop by Mr. Walker’s hotel first, please?” I asked.
“Sure thing, miss,” he answered.
“What? Are you saying I ruined your night with your costar?” His voice was taking on an ugly tone as he almost sneered at me. I tried to dismiss him. I put my head down, shaking it, and sucking in my breath.
“I’m not up for this tonight. If you care about me at all, you’ll let me have some time to regroup. I’ll be fine in a couple of days, but I’m emotionally spent, and really just need time to myself.” I looked at him pleadingly. “Please try to understand.”
“Are you meeting him tonight?” he yelled at me angrily.
“No, I’m not, but I can tell you one thing! If I told him that I needed some time to myself, he would give me what I asked… without question!” Cade always knew what I needed without me saying a word. “He respects me, values my mind, and really cares about what I want, he’s interested in what I think about things!” I knew the pitch of my voice was rising so I tried to calm down. “You could learn something about how to treat women from him. I won’t stand for you cutting him down. He’s brilliant, talented, and the most decent human being that I know. He would have been a great friend to you, if you’d given him a damn chance,” I retorted angrily. Now I was really pissed but at least I wasn’t crying anymore.
“So sorry, I can’t measure up to Mr. Perfect, Brooke. Sorry, I can’t be friends with some prick who’s trying to fuck my girlfriend behind my back! He’s not some superhero… he’s just a regular guy,” he hissed at me.
Hardly, I thought. We’d pulled up to his hotel, and the driver was waiting. I took a deep breath and sighed deeply. What the hell was I doing trying to make him understand, anyway?
“Yeah, well, I’m just a girl who doesn’t want to be with you tonight.” His eyes widened and his face turned a mottled red. “I’ll call you after a few days back in L.A. Goodnight.” He stared at me for a few seconds, and huffed at me. “I said goodnight.” As I glared at him, he finally got out of the car.
I put my head in my hands, and the tears started all over again. “Are you okay, Miss Halloway?” the driver asked with concern.
“Yes, thank you. It’s just the end of a movie shoot, and I’m really going to miss these people. I’ve come to love some of them.”
“Yes, we see a lot of you movie stars in Vancouver. Many get weepy at the end.” He nodded in understanding and took me back to my hotel.
I went in through the back entrance by the kitchen on the off chance there would be fans waiting at the front. I was a complete unknown, but sometimes Cade was with me so normally there were at least a few. I couldn’t take a confrontation with the fans or the press, especially not tonight.
I went straight to my room. Wendy texted, trying to get me to come to the bar for a drink or two, but I just needed to be alone before I completely fell to pieces. She probably wanted to talk because we hadn’t had any time at the party, but I needed to be alone.
I shut the door behind me and shed my clothes, dropping them carelessly on the floor on my way to the large bathroom. I turned on the shower and stepped under the hot spray, letting the memories of Cade and the past months flood my mind and heart, as the water ran over my body. Soon, my tears were streaming down my face to mingle with the shower, and I was bracing against the shower walls sobbing.
Oh, God, help us be strong enough to get through tomorrow… and howev
er many days or months it will take to ease this loss, I prayed. It’s hard to walk away from someone who thinks they’re in love with you, when you’re heart is screaming that you’re in love with him, too.
I had to put some space between us so I could figure out if these feelings were real. We had to be Cade and Brook… not Ryan and Julia. “Help us be us, just us. Let him love me for real. Please,” I begged through my tears.
When I got control of the crying, and out of the shower, I put on my old sweats, and started to pack my bags, picking up my discarded clothes from the floor and shoving them into my suitcase. I looked around the room and couldn’t help remembering all of the happy times Cade, me and the other cast members had spent in this hotel during filming. This room had been my home for five months. It was stupid, but it was all part of letting go, and it hurt.
My eyes were swollen, and sleepy from all the tears, so I hoped I would be able to sleep without dreaming tonight. My phone buzzed, and I didn’t want to see another hateful text from David or one begging me to come to the lobby from Wendy. Ping… Ping… it kept on pinging.
As I lay back on the bed after the packing was finished, I grabbed the phone, prepared to tell David to go straight to hell. I hesitated for one minute, and then when I looked at the phone, my heart stopped. The text wasn’t from David.
It was from Cade.
Immediately, I flipped open the phone, anxious for his words.
I wish I could have spent more time with you tonight. I was only there for you, anyway. Will you still come to me in the morning?
I texted him back.
Of course, I’ll be there. Nothing will keep me away. Thank you for the beautiful song.
I put the phone down and held my breath, turning out the light and crawling under the covers. How was I going to leave him tomorrow, when all I wanted were his arms around me forever?
Ping… Ping.
You were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen tonight. Thank you for that memory and the dream I’ll have when I close my eyes.
I felt new tears trickle down my cheeks as I curled into a ball on the bed. Fuck, I had to stop crying.
Why did he have to be so damn perfect? I didn’t have the answer, but he was.
He was perfect. He could lift my heart out of my chest, whenever he wanted.
Chapter 3
Declaration
The sun came up to find me tossing around in my bed. I’d hardly slept all night; my heart was so heavy anticipating this last meeting with Cade. Sure, there would be press junkets to promote the film, interviews, and several months from now, various premiers that we would both have to attend. But, what would happen to our relationship in those long months apart? I didn’t want things to change, but that seemed an unrealistic expectation. I didn’t have a right to even call it a relationship. I felt sick to my stomach.
I opened my phone about 7:30, and texted Cade.
Hey, I’m up. My plane is at 10 and my car is taking me to the airport
at 9. When do you leave?
Within a minute my phone pinged.
Forty minutes. Can you come now?
My heart plummeted. I should have gotten up earlier.
I’ll be down in a couple minutes.
This was it.
I picked up the gift I’d made for him, struggling one last time with whether I should give it to him or not. Maybe he’d think it was sophomoric, and silly. It was a photo album and scrapbook of our time as Ryan and Julia. It included things from the parties we went to, cast jam sessions, and pretty much any picture I could get my hands on. There were matchbooks from restaurants we went to, napkins we’d written some script changes on, and ticket stubs from events we’d attended together. Even though it was hard for me to let go of some of those precious things I loved, it was my desperate attempt to make sure he didn’t forget me.
I took a couple deep breaths, and glanced at myself in the mirror. I looked as much like myself as possible, considering my sleepless night and river of tears. I ran my hand through my hair one more time, grabbed my sunglasses, and went to his room.
When I got there, I leaned my head on the door trying to center myself. I didn’t want to let him see how this was really affecting me, cause him more pain, or make him uncomfortable.
Slowly, I knocked on the door, and it opened within seconds. There he was.
A little dark under the eyes, but still gorgeous in jeans, a long sleeve black button down with the sleeves rolled half way up his strong forearms. He was delicious; his hair tousled in the way I loved. Distinctly, Cade. He’s so fucking beautiful. My thoughts were full of him.
I didn’t think I’d ever get enough of looking at him, especially since we had only minutes left. I tried to soak up everything, memorize every line of his body, and perfect features on his face. His eyes were just as hungry as he looked at me, but there was sadness there as well. He pulled me into the room and into his arms in one motion, which was where I wanted to be. Cade was where the world felt right.
“Brook…” he began.
“Shhh…” I whispered. “Just hold me. Please?”
I felt his arms tighten, and his lips press into my hair. “Whatever you want. I’ll give you anything you want.”
I just wanted to be close to him. To feel him breathe; take in his scent, feel his heart beating, and his strong arms around me. I tried to lock every single thing about him inside my heart one last time.
After a minute or so I pulled back, and looked up into his face. His eyes looked right through me like only he could do. I leaned up on my toes, and brushed the tip of my nose across his jaw and softly kissed along it. It was bold, and not something I’d have done before this, but I needed Cade to know how much I cared about him. “Mmm, you smell yummy,” I said, and smiled at the obvious pleasure my words caused.
He smiled. “Hmph.” He huffed in the way he always did when he got compliments. Like he didn’t believe it really, but it still made him happy.
“Do you have a couple of minutes?” I asked. “I need to talk to you.”
I paused for a second then took his hand before I pulled him down to sit beside me on the edge of the bed.
Cade didn’t say anything, just looked down at our entwined hands, and rubbed both thumbs softly over my skin. Every little brush of his fingers on mine was like a thunderbolt, and I could tell he felt it, too.
His brows dropped over his eyes, and his mouth pursed as he slowly nodded. I drew a shaky breath at his expression. There was so much pain, and my heart constricted. I kept his hand in mine, rubbing my thumb along the top of it, and turned to look into his face.
“Cade.” I took stock of my trembling voice and shallow breathing as I struggled to get the words out. “First, I want you to know that no one has ever touched my heart, or my soul in the way you have.” I swallowed at the tightness in my throat. This was so hard.
My gaze dropped to our hands nervously, tears threatening to fall from my eyes, and my voice thickened with emotion. I’d never poured out my feelings to anyone like this before, but after the many times he’d told me he cared for me, he deserved to know how I felt about him. It didn’t matter that it would have consequences for both of us.
“You’re brilliant in so many ways; as an actor, musician and artist. It’s been the greatest privilege of my life to work with you on my first film. You are so, so talented, and you’ve taught me more than I ever thought I needed to learn. I will never be able to repay that.” I cleared my throat in an effort to keep from full-on bawling.
“I know your career will only get bigger, and I’m going to follow all of it.” I put my free hand over my eyes as I struggled with my emotions. I bit my lip to stop it’s trembling, and continued. “Jesus, this is so hard.” Cade squeezed both of my hands gently. “I’ll always be watching you.”
He moved a little, as if to say something, and I put a finger to his lips as a tear fell from my eye. “I couldn’t have done this with anyone else. You… brought me to
life. Not just the character, but me. I’ve felt things with you, that… that I…” I stumbled over the words and shook my head, “…didn’t even know were possible. I care about you more than you know.”
I struggled to continue because I was crying softly. I sniffed back the tears as his hand tightened on mine again. “I’m really going to miss you.” I felt a sob well up within my chest, threatening to break free. “I’ll miss you, every day. I… um, I h-hope you’ll al- always remember…” My voice caught, and I had to stop for a minute to keep from sobbing. I took a ragged breath, my throat seriously aching.
He brought my hand to his mouth to kiss my palm, his breath hot against my skin. “Oh, Brook…” he sighed. “This is the worst bloody moment of my life. It’s hell.”
I nodded. “I brought you something to remember me by, but please don’t open it until you get back to London,” I said, wiping away my tears with my free hand. I offered him a tumultuous smile, but I could barely manage it through my misery.
He took the package, and placed a hand lovingly on the top. His eyes closed, and he sighed heavily.
“I don’t need anything to remind me of you. I won’t forget a single detail, not a single second of our time together here,” he said softly. “But, thank you for wanting to leave me with some part of you. It means the world to me.”
When his eyes opened, he set the package on the bed then knelt down in front of me. One of his arms wrapped around my body, and the other came up to cup my face, his thumb caressing the line of my jaw. My skin tingled where he touched me, and my heart ached at the tears in his eyes. My shoulders started to shake in silent sobs. It hurt so fucking bad.
