“I don’t know what to say.”
“Yeah,” he agreed and took his hand away from her hair. He closed his eyes.
Sophie waited for more, waited for him to open his eyes and explain himself. But he didn’t and his breathing began to grow steady. What struck her most were the times he could have tried to seduce her, the times when she was vulnerable after a fight with Gavin and he had been there and let her cry on his shoulder. But he hadn't made a move since that kiss on the beach in Australia. That was almost ten years ago. He had always looked after her, let it be known that he cared for her. And now Sophie moved closer to him, wanting to be as tender and sweet to him as he had been to her for so long.
He stirred then and wrapped his arm around her waist, folding her to him so that her face lay perfectly in between his neck and shoulder.
“Conor,” she said in a whisper, “did I do something to lead you on?”
“You didn’t have to, honey. All you had to do was be yourself,” he replied easily.
She hesitated, struggling for the right words. “Did I hurt you?”
He resumed playing with her hair. “All the time. You broke my heart a million times, Soph. But you made me whole a million times more.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “You didn’t deserve that.”
He was quiet so long she wondered if he had fallen asleep, but his slowly moving hand in her hair told her he was still awake.
“No, I’ve gotten what I deserved. I’m not sorry.”
“What does that mean?”
“Shh,” he said before kissing her gently on the lips.
She found herself returning his brief kiss and when he pulled away and finally looked into her eyes again, she saw what he had been trying to hide. His eyes revealed pure adoration for her. She was the one to leaned in and kiss him next.
The kiss was tentative and gentle on both their parts. It wasn’t born out of passion, but of genuine love. But they both knew that if they went any farther the sentiment would quickly change and lust would overtake them.
Conor was the first to pull away. He got to his feet and held out his hand to her. “Time for sleep,” he said.
Sophie took his hand and stood up with him. “Do you want to sleep with me? Just sleep? Or, is that a really bad—”
“No, it sounds lovely,” he said with a nod.
They held hands as they went to the guest bedroom she was using. Without turning on the lights, she pulled back the duvet and slid into bed. Conor didn’t bother to take off his shirt or jeans as he followed her into bed and they held each other in the same effortlessly comfortable manner as they had in front of the fireplace.
Lying there, with his arms around her, Sophie felt safe and cared for. There was no denying that she was drawn to him, to his steadiness in contrast to Gavin’s unpredictability. And to his genuine friendship. After all these years, she was also just as attracted to him as he seemed to be to her. Her mind raced until the steady rise and fall of Conor’s chest lulled her to sleep.
~
Sophie felt only warmth and comfort and security that night. And when she woke to find Conor beside her, she was happy.
He lay on his back, one arm thrown over his head and his shirt mostly unbuttoned. His breath was even as he slept.
Sophie let her eyes fall over his bared skin, aware that her attraction for him was threatening to overwhelm her better judgment. She had always scoffed at the notion that a person could be in love with two people at once but last night had made her think twice. It made her think that in another world, she could have happily been with Conor.
Conor stirred then, turning on his side toward her. He opened his eyes, smiled at her, and then closed them again. Wrapping his arm around her waist, he brought her close to him once more.
Being in his arms felt so nice that she settled into his embrace, slipping her leg in between his to get closer. And that resulted in unavoidable contact with his erection.
Neither said anything, but they knew they were done sleeping. Sophie felt his fingers move under her tee shirt, stroking the sensitive skin at her lower back. In return, she ran her hand over his tight abdominal muscles, tracing the definition there with her fingertips.
Gently, he pressed his lips to the side of her neck, lingering in each small kiss as he moved up to her jaw line. When he reached her mouth, he gave her a chaste kiss before guiding her so she lay on her back.
She pushed her hands through his hair as he moved down to her waist and lifted her tee shirt. The feel of his mouth on her skin sent waves of desire through her body, making her ache for him to reach her breasts. And when he did, he first caressed and kissed the whole of her breasts before flickering his tongue against her hard nipples. She moaned when he teasingly alternated between sucking and biting her nipples.
Pulling away, he quickly removed his shirt and she looked at him without shame. She had seen him without a shirt many times before this, of course, when they were all at the beach or back stage after a gig. She had appreciated his broad shoulders and well developed but compact muscles in an abstract way. But this was completely different. His skin was taut and smelled good, his abs were defined, and god he was sexy. And the way he moved his hands reverentially over her belly and up to her breasts again as he leaned down to kiss her deeply on the mouth only made her crave him all the more.
“I’ve never wanted someone so much in my life,” he murmured between kisses.
Sophie melted into him, losing all self-control under his sensual touch. But when he reached inside her pants and placed his hand over her panties and between her legs, it all got too real. She was aching to keep going, to have all of him. That desire, however, suddenly seemed as reckless and dangerous as Gavin’s forays with cocaine.
“Conor, no. I’m sorry, no,” she stammered as she pushed him away abruptly. She pulled her shirt into place and moved to the side of the bed.
“Sophie, don’t do this to me,” he said, half moaning.
She put her hands over her face and closed her eyes tightly. “We can’t do this.”
He moved to the foot of the bed and sat up, his back to her. “You wanted this a minute ago. I didn’t imagine that.”
“It’s not about that. It’s about Gavin and Colette and Rogue.”
Conor nodded. He took a deep breath and looked around the room as if seeing it for the first time. He turned to her and asked, “Do you feel for me, Sophie? At all?”
She watched his anxious expression for a moment, trying to come up with an answer she could live with.
“I do. As much as I can feel for my husband’s best friend,” she said.
“Well that’s a very well-crafted response,” he muttered.
“Connie, I can’t do this. It’s too much.” Her voice was shaky as tears came to her eyes.
He moved to her and wiped away her tears. “Don’t cry, honey. It’s okay.” He kissed her cheeks, her closed eyes, her lips. “Listen, last night with you was the best I’ve ever spent with a woman. You don’t have to say anything. None of this is perfect, but it’s enough. Okay?”
Though she didn’t quite understand what he meant, she nodded into his shoulder and let him continue to comfort her. It wasn’t fair to him but she didn’t know what else to do.
~
They spent the rest of the morning being careful with each other. After showering and dressing, they went to breakfast together, walking to a local café with several feet between them. They found a hundred things to talk about that didn’t involve how they felt about each other.
And as much as Sophie trusted him, she still couldn’t bring herself to tell him what she feared about Gavin and his drug use. For a reason she couldn’t quite explain to herself, to do so seemed like the ultimate betrayal, worse even than nearly having sex with Conor.
“So, I suppose I’ll fly home today. Get back to Dublin and check in with the boys. Haven’t seen any of ‘em in a long while now,” Conor told her.
“The
record label is still hounding James for you all to get in studio,” she said.
“Good luck with that. We’re nowhere close to being studio ready. But, it is time to get working. I think that’s exactly what I need.”
Sophie nodded. “What do you suppose we say about the photographs that came out from last night?” TMZ had already splashed photos of them all over the internet.
“The truth—I mean that we found ourselves here and since we’re friends we took advantage. Well, not took advantage. You know what I mean,” he said with a laugh.
“What will Colette’s reaction be?”
He shook his head with a small smile. “She’ll break up with me.”
“Do you want me to talk to her?”
Conor laughed again. “And say what? That I’ve never slept better than when I had you in my arms? That I came this close to being with the woman I’ve loved for more years than I care to admit?”
Sophie had to look away from him.
“No, she’ll break up with me in her typically dramatic fashion. And I’ll let her.”
“Why, though? I know you have feelings for her. Wouldn’t it help to concentrate on her?”
“Is that what you’ll do with Gavin? No, don’t answer. Thing with Colette is that, despite all her games, she’s loads of fun. I could see being serious with her.”
That declaration made her sad, an emotion she knew she had no right to feel.
“She and I are very compatible—in and out of bed,” he continued.
She recognized the game he was playing. “So, why let her go?”
“I need to get my head together. Then we’ll see. I mean, I’d be completely stupid to really let her go. But I need to be in a place where I can give her everything she deserves.”
Sophie nodded. “You’re right.”
The confidence with which she said this left him with no response.
CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN
The tabloid stories of Sophie and Conor’s night out together featured photos of them running hand in hand down the street with big smiles along and the provocative suggestion that the two had been up to no good. When Sophie finally got a hold of Gavin a day after the “news” broke, he hadn’t exactly laughed it off, but he hadn’t seemed very interested in it either.
“So, how have you been?” she asked him.
“Good. Doing fine. It’s all been a blur, really. You’ll have to call me when you get to Paris and remind me to come at the rate I’m going,” he replied.
“That doesn’t sound like you’re missing me much,” she said. He was so much more distant than the mere physical miles between them.
“Yeah, you know I do, Sophie. I’ve just been enjoying hanging out with Jacob and the gang. They’re a good bunch of people.”
“So, I guess that means you’re doing that.”
“Isn’t it amazing you can nag me from thousands of miles away? Grand indeed of you to call.”
“Gavin, don’t do that.”
“I haven’t talked to you in going on four days now, you’re running around with Conor at strip shows, and you’re calling me on shite? I don’t think so, darlin’.”
Guilt washed over her. Not guilt over Conor, but guilt for having turned Gavin’s mood sour. She didn’t want to upset the delicate balance he had been walking.
“Baby, I miss you. Do you want to come see me in Paris earlier than we planned?” she asked.
“Oh, I can’t. Jacob’s opening his club in Temple Bar. I’ve got to be there, said I would, you know. I guess it helps with the publicity angle for him. So, I don’t think I can, darlin’. Just call me from Paris. Okay?” he asked, sounding in a hurry to end the call.
“Gavin, wait.”
“What is it, Sophie?”
“Nothing. Forget it. I’ll talk to you in a couple weeks, then.”
“Good enough. Take care.”
Before she could reply, he had ended the call.
~
The runway shows in London and Milan were a success, even though Sophie did her job in a daze. She missed her husband and she missed her home. And she found herself wishing she could step back to the time when she and Gavin had an unbreakable connection.
The connection they had now was mostly through their cell phone voicemail. He rarely answered her calls or texts and when he did, he invariably sounded irritated, as if she were interrupting.
But he had promised to join her this afternoon for the last two days of Paris shows. They would then stay in the city a few more days. The prospect of dedicated time together filled her with unwarranted optimism as she walked into the lobby of the Four Seasons George V. This was the hotel she always stayed in and its marble floors and columns and grand crystal chandeliers were elegant and reassuring. Her eye was drawn almost immediately to Conor sitting in one of the plush gold and cream brocade chairs of the formal lobby. Even if she hadn’t known him, he was the kind of strikingly handsome man who turned heads. Though she was surprised to see him there, she was even more surprised that he did not greet her with his usual bright smile and kiss as he stood up.
“Hi, Conor,” she said. “What’s going on?”
“I’m so fucking upset with you, Sophie,” he replied, his voice low but tight with anger.
Sophie took a step backward and looked around. The lobby was half-filled with others she could call upon if needed. She hadn’t in all these years experienced Conor’s anger.
He grabbed her arm before she could move farther away. “I’m going out of my mind trying to understand why you didn’t tell me Gavin’s a fucking coke addict.”
“Let go of me,” she said, struggling with his tight grip.
“No, you’re going to stay right here and tell me what is happening with my best mate. See, I went home to Dublin, got the runaround from him, and then when I did see him, he’s high as a fucking kite and offering to get me the same. And from what I’ve heard, this has been going on for months.”
“I’m not going to tell you again to let me go,” she said, her voice raised enough to be noticed by others.
He became aware of what he had been doing and quickly released her. “Don’t you get it, Sophie? Don’t you understand how bad this is?”
Sophie’s eyes filled with tears.
“And you’re fucking facilitating him? He said you were fine with it. How could you be so goddamned stupid?”
“I didn’t know what to do. I wanted so much to believe it wouldn’t control him. He keeps saying it’s harmless,” she said quickly. “And I’ve been reading that William Styron book you gave me. You know, the one that talks about ‘incomplete mourning’ and how when someone isn’t able to have the catharsis of grief, he’s bound to suffer from rage and guilt which could lead to self-destructive acts. And so maybe Gavin’s just acting out and—”
“Stop this enabling shit right now.”
“But you know he needs to mourn—”
“He can’t mourn someone who isn’t fucking dead. Goddamn it, what are you doing trying to justify this for him?”
She looked down and the tears that had been brimming in her eyes spilled down her cheeks. “I’m not trying to justify it for him. I’m trying to justify it to myself,” she said and covered her face with her hands.
His anger dissipated as he watched her fall apart. “Oh, honey.” Conor pulled her into his arms and rocked her slowly.
“I just want to believe he’ll find his way out of this,” she mumbled into his neck.
“Shh, now.”
As he held her, she slowly regained a sense of calm. She took a deep breath and looked over his shoulder. What she saw made her pull abruptly away from him.
Gavin stood fifteen feet away, watching them. His expression was hard to read. It wasn’t anger or jealousy. It was closer to curiosity, as if he couldn’t comprehend the sight of his wife in his best friend’s embrace.
“Gavin,” she said and Conor turned to see what she had.
She quickly went to her husband and hugged
him tightly. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she said, trying not to fall into tears again.
He must have heard the shakiness in her voice and decided not to go down the predictable route of demanding to know what had been happening because he told her, “I’ve missed you something desperate, darlin’.”
Then he looked over Sophie’s shoulder and eyed Conor. “And you’re here. Why?” he asked.
“Don’t be paranoid, Gav. I came to see Colette. But I ran into your fragile wife first thing,” Conor replied.
“Let’s go up to my room, Gavin,” Sophie said, pulling at his arm.
“Yeah, let’s. And why don’t you go find your woman, Conor,” Gavin said.
“Sure, I will. Hey, since we’re both here, Gav, maybe we should work on writing the new album. What do you think?”
Sophie stared at Conor, hoping to convey a silent plea to stop provoking Gavin.
“I’m not going to have a lot of free time. This trip is about me and Sophie. We’ll meet back up in Dublin.”
“Better count on that one,” Conor replied and shook his head as he watched Gavin and Sophie walk away.
~
In the elevator, Sophie soaked up the sight of Gavin. The fact that he had lost weight and had slight dark circles under his eyes did nothing to subdue the delight she felt in seeing him again. She was suddenly full of hope that things would right themselves, that they would be okay again.
“You’ve been crying,” he said and gently stroked her cheek.
Sophie leaned into his hand and closed her eyes briefly. The elevator stopped at their floor and she pulled him by the hand toward their room without replying.
They found a bottle of champagne on ice inside the room. Sophie had forgotten about her request for it to be delivered to her room in time for Gavin’s arrival.
“Shall we open it?” Sophie asked brightly.
“Come here, Sophie,” Gavin said.
She hesitated, but when she went to him and he wrapped his arms around her, she sighed from the pleasure of it. He had always told her they fit perfectly together and she knew it was true.
Tangled Up In You: A Rogue Series Novel Page 26
