Adam turned to him. “What did you say?”
Freddy turned pale. “I . . . I said, I mean . . .”
Howie confronted Adam. “He said stop it, you big fathead! Now get out before there’s trouble.”
Adam towered over Howie, who gulped and quickly stepped behind Freddy.
“I tell you what I’m gonna do, Funky. I’m gonna put this stupid float out of its misery.” He turned to his gang. “Ready, boys?”
“Ready,” they all answered.
“Charge,” commanded Adam. He and his gang attacked the float and within minutes turned it into a big pile of junk. Then Adam grabbed Freddy and threw him on top of the pile of junk.
“See ya, Funky,” laughed Adam. He and his gang got on their motor scooters and rode off.
“Freddy,” said Howie fearfully, “are you okay?”
Freddy lay sprawled on top of the ruined float. “Actually, Howie, I’m getting used to this.”
At that moment Nancy came into the barn and shrieked when she saw what had happened to the float. “Freddy Funkhouser, what have you done?”
Freddy lifted his head and started to explain. “It wasn’t my . . . oh, forget it.”
“Ruined. Absolutely ruined. It’s over, all over. We can’t possibly fix this in time,” she said tearfully. “I’m going to tell Dad. Where is he?”
“Uh, in jail,” answered Howie meekly.
“Jail!”
“It’s a long story, Nanny Boo-boo,” said Freddy wearily.
“I’ll get even with you if it’s the last thing I do, Freddy,” said his sister as she stalked out.
Howie said, “I guess I better be getting home.”
“I guess so.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Know a good lawyer?”
“Uh, no.”
“How about a good psychiatrist?”
“Uh, no.”
“Then there’s nothing you can do.”
After Howie left, Freddy just lay there. “Well,” he said to himself, “at least there’s one good thing. I don’t see how it could possibly get any worse.”
Unfortunately, Freddy could not have been any more wrong about that.
CHAPTER
QUEEN NANCY THE NICEST OF NANTUCKET
Alfred returned to the farm later that day. Freddy and his sister gave him big hugs.
“Was it awful in jail, Dad?” asked Nancy.
“I was never in jail, dear,” said her father.
“But Chief Spanker —” began Freddy.
“Wiser and calmer heads prevailed,” said his father. “When I pointed out there was not a shred of evidence tying me to any of these claims of mischievous monsters, Judge Thackery immediately let me go. At least the Judge is no friend of the Spankers. But we’re not out of the woods yet. Chief Spanker said he’s going to keep a close eye on all of us. And there’re a lot of angry people out there because of what happened. There’s even been a big reward offered for their capture.”
“Mischievous monsters?” said Nancy. “What are you talking about?”
Alfred looked at Freddy. “Didn’t you tell your sister what happened?”
“Uh, I kind of forgot.”
Alfred quickly told Nancy all about it. Before he was even finished she was staring pointedly at her little brother. Under her breath she muttered, “Big purple thing, huh?”
Their father said, “Well, we’ve got to get going. We’re going to be late for the dinner hour at the Burger Castle.”
“But we never have any customers!” she declared.
“Now, dear. We still have to go. Some hungry person might come in by accident. I’ll make dinner and you two go and wash up.”
After Freddy ate dinner, he ran to his room to get his chicken costume before they headed to the Burger Castle. He stopped abruptly at his bedroom door. Taped on it was a drawing of Wally. And below the picture were the words “I know everything.” And it was signed “You know who.”
Freddy ripped down the picture and slowly trudged to his sister’s room and knocked on the door.
“Enter, O guilty and shameful one!” his sister cried out.
Freddy went inside. His sister was sitting on the bed wearing a long green cape with a big, high collar and a red paper crown. She held a scepter that was really her baton, and wore large brown boots on her feet. She looked like a giant grasshopper with red hair. Her big costume trunk stood open next to her bed.
Freddy stared at her. “Uh, Nanny Boo-Boo, what are you doing?”
“Ah, my loyal subject. Down on your knees before your queen.”
Freddy’s eyes bugged out. “Excuse me?”
His sister rose. “Or I’ll just have to go and tell Dad all about what I saw outside your deeesssgggusting lab today.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“A big purple blob called Wally?”
“Doesn’t ring a bell.”
“Let me refresh your memory. The same big purple thing ate four hundred pies at a pie fac-tory. And then there was a big blue thing that scared the town of Pookesville to death. And a green and a red thing with two heads that put an entire baseball team in the hospital.”
“It was only the emergency room.”
“Aha!” cried out Nancy triumphantly. “I knew it. At first you didn’t care who knew. You were going to be rich and famous, but now you can’t let anyone find out, can you? Well, it’s going to cost you, you little brainiac.” She peered down at him smiling evilly. “Here’s the deal. You’ll do exactly as I say from now on.”
“Aw, stick a cheese cube up your nose.”
Nancy went to the door and called down the hallway. “Oh, Dad . . . Freddy can explain why the police were here today.”
“Hold on, hold on!” said Freddy frantically as he shut the door. If Chief Spanker found out about this he would never believe that it was just Freddy’s doing. He would think Freddy’s dad was involved and his father would go to jail for real. But even more than that, Freddy didn’t want his dad to find out that he’d made the Fries in the first place. He’d used his father’s super secret potatoes and nanotechnology without permission. Worse, he’d created the Fries without thinking through the consequences, like his father had taught him to.
His sister was waiting expectantly. Finally, Freddy answered reluctantly, “Okay.”
“Now, my list of demands,” said his sister as she unfolded a piece of paper that was so long it went all the way to the floor. “First, from now on, no more Nanny Boo-Boo. Now my name is Queen Nancy the Nicest of Nantucket.”
Freddy stared at her dumbly. “We’ve never even been to Nantucket,” he said, “and you’re not really very nice.”
“I know that! I just like the way it sounds. Next, you’ll do all my chores and give me all your allowance.”
“But —” Freddy began to protest, but she cut him off.
“Next,” she went on, “When it’s my turn to take out the trash you’ll do it for me.”
“But that’s not fair!”
“Oh, Father,” she called out, “do you want to hear about a big, fat purple —”
Freddy clamped his hands around her mouth. “Okay, okay, I’ll take out the trash.”
“Next, you’ll make my breakfast, carry my books to school, help me with my science homework, and . . .” The list just went on and on. And poor Freddy just knelt there on one knee and agreed to it all. What else could he do?
“Is that all, Nanny B —” he finally said.
“Tut, tut, tut, remember what we discussed.”
“Yeah, well, I’m —”
“Oh, Father,” she shouted, “I have something important to tell you.”
“Okay, okay,” said Freddy quickly. He sighed. “Queen Nancy the Nicest.”
“Of Nantucket,” she added.
“Of Nantucket,” Freddy grumbled.
CHAPTER
THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM
After the Funkhousers got back fro
m the Burger Castle that night, Freddy raced to his lab to see the Fries.
Wally wailed, “Look, little dudiski, I haven’t eaten in over four hours! I’m starving to death.” He tapped Theodore on the shoulder. “Look at me, Theodore. Can you still see me or am I too thin?”
Theodore took off his glasses and wiped them. “I don’t need my glasses to see you, Wally. In Latin you would be known as purpulis enormosis.”
“Purpulis enormosis,” Wally bellowed. “That sounds important.”
“So is everything okay?” asked Ziggy. “Are we still going to be famous?”
“I don’t even know if I’ve figured out a way for us to keep on living in this country,” answered Freddy despondently.
“Is it really that bad?” asked Theodore.
“The police arrested my dad, property was damaged, people went to the hospital, and the whole town is up in arms,” said Freddy. “Other than that, everything’s great.”
“Is there anything we can do to help?” squeaked Ziggy.
“Not that I can think of, Ziggy, but thanks for asking.”
“Whew, that’s a relief,” said Wally. “Okay, let’s eat.”
“I’ll get some food and bring it down to you,” said Freddy. “Is there anything else you guys need?”
“Well, some books would be nice,” answered Theodore. “Some good literature.”
“All right!” exclaimed Wally. “I love good literature.” He paused and added, “That’s a cheese, right?”
“That’s limburger!” said Theodore in exasperation.
Si piped in, “Well, you could bring some cards back. That way I can play Meese and get my five bucks back.”
“Well, of course you will. I always lose!” complained Meese.
“Do you want anything, Ziggy?” asked Freddy.
The little Fry thought for a moment. “Well, do you have a spare blanket?”
“Sure thing,” said Freddy kindly. “Okay, books, cards, blanket.” He looked over at where Curly was keeping watch by the window. “Curly, do you want anything?”
Curly mumbled, “CouldIpleasehaveaballandglove?”
“You bet, Curly, I have those in my room. I’ll throw some with you.”
Curly blew his nose and wiggled his ears in thanks.
Just then, Freddy’s special phone rang. Someone was at the entrance to the lab.
Freddy answered it, “Who’s there?”
“Howie Kapowie.”
“Password?”
“Adam Spanker poops in his pants.”
Freddy pressed a button, there was a scream, and Howie fell from the ceiling and into a pile of straw.
“I thought you were going to fix that,” complained Howie. “Now I’ve got hay up my butt.”
“I’ve been a little busy, Howie,” Freddy shot back.
“I came here to tell you something really important. I was at my aunt’s flower shop today when this stranger came in and ordered a bunch of flowers to be delivered to the Spankers’ restaurant the day before the parade. I saw his car outside. It had New York license plates.”
“Was he well-dressed and short with blond hair and a thin mustache?”
“That’s him.”
“Like you said I bet he’s some big-shot designer they hired to build their float for them. That means the Spankers are breaking the rules.”
“I bet they are, but there’s no way for us to prove it.”
“I guess that’s true,” sighed Freddy.
Howie pulled out a cheese cube and was about to pop it in his mouth when a long purple arm shot out and snagged it.
“Hey,” cried out Howie as he watched his cheese cube disappear into the abyss of Wally’s mouth.
“MMMM. Me love cheese cubes,” said Wally. “Do you have any more?” He headed toward Howie, who started backing up.
“Uh, Freddy, I’m getting ready to pee in my pants here,” yelled a terrified Howie.
“More cheese cubes,” said Wally, as though in a trance as he stalked toward Howie. “Need cheese cubes, feeling faint . . . need cheese.” He lifted Howie off the ground, turned him upside down, and shook the little boy until a bunch of cheese cubes fell out of Howie’s pockets. Wally sucked these up in an instant. Then he pulled on Howie’s shirt. “Is this edible?”
“FREDDY!” screamed Howie. “I’m about to be eaten over here, for crying out loud.”
Freddy made Wally drop Howie. “Come on, Howie, you can go to the house with me and help me bring some supplies to the Fries.”
A few minutes later Freddy and Howie slipped into the farmhouse. Freddy listened at the door of his father’s bedroom.
“Okay, he’s asleep,” he whispered to Howie. “We’d better make sure my sister’s asleep too.”
When they got to Nancy’s bedroom door they heard the most awful noise.
Howie covered his ears. “What is that? Sounds like an elephant farting.”
“Just my sister snoring. Okay, let’s get to work.”
They piled food, books, balls and gloves, playing cards, a blanket, and other supplies into a wagon and quickly returned to the lab and handed them all out. Howie played ball with Curly while Theodore read and Ziggy lay down with his blanket.
Freddy sat by himself in a corner and stared at a wall. One by one the Fries and Howie stopped what they were doing to watch him.
“You okay, Freddy?” asked Howie.
“You look very sad indeed,” noted Theodore.
Freddy shook his head. “It’s nothing. I’ll be okay.”
“I’ll hit myself in the head and make my arms, legs, and face fall off,” offered Ziggy. The yellow Fry bopped himself in the head and flew apart. Freddy kicked Ziggy in the butt, and the Fry sprang back together.
“Thanks, Ziggy,” said Freddy, but he still looked sad.
“I can bop Meese in the head and make him cry,” suggested Si. “He likes to cry.”
“I do,” admitted Meese. “In fact the only time I’m happy is when I’m bawling my guts out.”
“You know, Freddy, if friends can’t ask other friends to help, there’s something undoubtedly wrong with such a scenario,” said Theodore.
Freddy thought about this for a minute. “Well, maybe there is something you can do.”
Howie and all the Fries eagerly gathered around him.
“There’s a Founders’ Day parade in two days, and we were going to enter the float competition,” began Freddy. Then he quickly told the Fries all about the Burger Castle, the Patty Cakes restaurant, and about Adam Spanker and his gang and what they had done to the Burger Castle float.
“And Spanker’s family controls this town. His dad’s the police chief who arrested my father and who’s still looking to get him over what happened.”
“It sounds like the first step is to refurbish as expeditiously as possible your entry in the competition,” said Theodore.
“Yeah, but first we better fix that thingie-thing they want in the parade,” said Wally.
Theodore looked at his purple friend in exasperation. “That’s what I just said.”
“You guys really want to help me?” asked Freddy.
“You bet,” they all yelled together.
“Okay, let’s get going. Lead the way, Freddy,” said Howie.
CHAPTER
FRENCH-FRIED MIRACLE
They all stood in the doorway of the barn and looked at the wrecked float.
“So that’s what a float looks like, huh, Freddy?” asked Ziggy.
“It sure is a beauty,” said Si as he stared at the mess.
Meese cocked his head and stared at it. “I don’t know; it sort of looks how I feel all the time.”
Theodore stated firmly, “Curly, you keep a lookout. Wally, you and Ziggy clear away all the ripped-up material. Si, Meese, and Howie can start assembling materials that we can use. Freddy and I will put together some conceptual plans for what the actual end result will resemble.”
“Don’t you think you better draw a picture
of what you want it to look like first?” asked Wally.
“THAT’S WHAT HE JUST SAID!” yelled Ziggy so loud they all jumped. Wally actually grabbed onto the barn rafters in his fright.
“Ziggy, keep it down,” said Freddy. “My dad might hear you. Or worse yet, my sister.”
“Sorry, Freddy,” said Ziggy in his normally tiny voice.
Wally dropped down from the rafters and said, “That’s okay, little psycho dude.”
“Okay, men — er, Fries — let’s get to work,” said Freddy.
Theodore and Freddy had drawn up blueprints on the wall of the barn, and the restoration of the float had begun. Freddy said, “I never liked the design my sister came up with anyway. We’re going to build it right this time.”
Wally had morphed himself into a lumber mill planing saw, and board after board of wood ran through Wally’s mouth as the purple Fry shaped it into usable pieces, but eating a couple of them along the way.
“Quality control,” he explained with a burp.
Acting as a crane, Curly lifted the boards up and into place on the float platform, where Ziggy, who showed a natural talent for hitting things, pounded nails into the boards so fast with his hammer hands they could barely keep him supplied with enough.
Si, Meese, and Howie sewed fabric together and made decorations to place on the float. Then they found some old cans of paint in one of the storage buildings. Wally swallowed it and then shot it back out of his mouth. In under twenty minutes the entire float was perfectly painted.
Theodore and Freddy had checked and re-checked the tractor engine, supports, and tires.
“Your father built a very impressive turbo-charged, air-cooled, electronic-ignition motor configuration,” said Theodore.
“Yeah, there’s no one better with gas flow than my dad,” said Freddy.
By early morning they all stepped back and looked at the float. It was far better than before. It was a thing of beauty, actually. It wasn’t a giant Vroom shake anymore; it was a miniature version of the Burger Castle that was actually hollow inside. Every detail was there, from the pickle turrets to the drawbridge and a painted yogurt moat. And on either side of the Burger Castle name were small fry figures.
Freddy and the French Fries #1: Page 6
