A Past Refrain

by Brenda Barrett

  "You look spooked," Jayce said slowly. "Is everything okay?"

  "I am fine." She nodded and looked into the box. "Just unpacking your records…had a little break, that's all." She had gotten sucked into the memories that she had tried for years to bury.

  For years she had tried to forget that night. She had escaped to Kingston but not from that beating. She was hospitalized when she had started vomiting blood. For weeks, she had been at the mercy of nurses and doctors. She was bleeding internally from blunt force trauma. Her father had almost killed her, and all in the name of punishment.

  "This is the last of the boxes," Jayce said, pointing to the one beside him.

  "It says Haley." Abigail looked at the side of the box.

  "It does?" Jayce groaned. "Darn Melody and her efficiency. She must have looked in there and labeled it for me. She helped me pack up my apartment after I got shot."

  "You still keep stuff from Haley?" Abigail asked softly.

  "Yes. I am sorry you had to see this." Jayce picked up the box again.

  "No, wait!" Abigail said. "I want to see what's in there."

  "No, you don't," Jayce said. "I am going to have a bonfire with this."

  "You don't have to do that, Jayce," Abigail said, half-smiling. "It's not a bad thing that you still have keepsakes from a high school relationship. I think it's cute how loyal you still are to Haley's memory."

  Jayce set down the box and frowned at Abigail. "Abby, what I felt for Haley wasn't cute. I heard what you said at the Natural Life Festival. How you had to change and that changing and letting go of the past is the only way to move on. Well, I think it is high time I do that as well. I like you, I seriously do, and parading Haley around at every opportunity is not right. It feels wrong and juvenile. How you can find it cute is beyond me."

  "Did you ever find out where she is now?" Abigail asked hoarsely. She was filled with mixed emotions. She wanted to yell, I am Haley, but she couldn't; she knew she couldn't.

  Jayce frowned. "I tried looking for her at first when I came back to Jamaica from college. My dad's business was just getting off the ground and I had to help more at the time and then I went to Miami one summer and saw her mom at a church convention eight years ago and I asked about Haley. She said that Haley is married and happy. Her dad told me a couple of weeks ago that she didn't keep in touch with them."

  He shrugged. "That's understandable." He put his head in his hands. "You know what the worst part about breaking it off with Haley was?"

  "What?" Abigail asked softly.

  "We never said goodbye."

  "Like with your mom?" Abigail touched his hand.

  "Yes. No closure," Jayce said, looking at Abigail. "It hurt like hell. It would have been better if we had a fight, or I met somebody else or something. She just disappeared. I think that's the reason she is so prominent in my head…that, and the fact that we share the same birthday. So every year, I remember, then it takes about half a year to forget and then when I am doing okay again...it's our birthday."

  After Abby left, Jayce sat in his partially-arranged living room. He lay on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. After talking about Haley again tonight, he realized that he needed closure—at least to look her in the face and have her tell him what happened to her and why she left without saying anything to him.

  He understood her leaving her father but not him, never him. Even though he had resigned himself to moving on, he had only been paying lip service to it. He may not even have a pigeon's heart, as his father had insisted. He might be one of those people who just couldn't move on without a proper goodbye. But his mother had left and it hadn't affected him as badly. He had survived but maybe because his dad filled the gap and he was young when she left.

  He grappled for his cell phone in the darkness. He wanted to know where Haley was. He owed it to himself to say goodbye.

  Chapter Eleven

  "Jayce." His father stood at his office door with his arms folded and a concerned look on his face. "I knocked on your door this morning. You didn't answer."

  Jayce looked up at his father. "Dad, today is a rest day. I took the opportunity to sleep in late. I fell asleep on my couch last night. My house is finally livable and looking good, too."

  His father glowered. "I didn't declare today a rest day."

  "Yes, you did," Jayce said. "Last week you said I can get Wednesdays off. 'Five days of the week are enough to exercise.' You even threw in a compliment that I was doing better. Forgot that conversation?"

  His father entered his office and closed the door behind him. He sat in the chair across from Jayce and cleared his throat. "That girl, Rashida, has been calling me non-stop since the Festival. She invited herself to run with me this morning."

  Jayce chuckled. "And..."

  "Jayce, she knows where I live and work and she has been sauntering past my office at odd hours of the day, and this morning she showed up at my house. She was waiting at the gate when I got out. She is stalking me."

  "She is?" Jayce wriggled his brows. "And a big, bad general like you is afraid of her?"

  His father scowled. "I am sixty; she is what, twenty-one? This is ridiculous. She could be my granddaughter."

  "That's a stretch," Jayce snorted.

  The General fanned him off. "Besides, I don't do office dating, nor do I think it is seemly to consort with the younger members of staff."

  Jayce leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers. "What a conundrum, General. Whatever will you do now?"

  "How are things with you and Abigail?" The General asked.

  "Fine," Jayce said. "I am slowly getting to know her. Did I tell you I think she is a mind reader?"

  "No you didn't, but that sounds ominous, real bad." The General cleared his throat impatiently. "Please take Rashida off my hands. Pretend you like her. Date her for me. Keep her busy and occupied. You are closer to her age."

  "No." Jayce laughed. "Begging me to take a girl off your hands is beneath you, General. She's too young for me, not just in age; she acts young, and besides, she looks like she is only interested in you, boss."

  The General groaned. "I hate being harsh to the young ones. I don't want to break her spirit. She's so chirpy."

  Jayce grinned. "Isn't she?"

  The General got up. "By the way, got a call from Senator Oliver Hillman. He and I go way back. I was telling him that you were designing a voice-enabled home automation and security system that can do Star Trek stuff and he was excited. So excited in fact that he wanted it installed at his mansion in Rose Hall."

  "Dad!" Jayce said, exasperated. "Xavier and I are not even done with the thing yet. I have yet to install it on my house to test it."

  "What's taking so long?" The General frowned. "Didn't you say you installed it at Xavier's?"

  "I did," Jayce said, "but there are a few bugs to work out. I just finished working on them. I am going to install it on my house and then see if everything runs smoothly. And only then will I even think of installing it on someone else's house, and certainly not a paying customer."

  "You have two weeks to work out all the kinks. Oliver needs it to work," The General said unreasonably. "Apparently Oliver is scared for his life. Somebody killed his secretary last month and his confidant and chief companion, Hunter, mysteriously died this week. Oliver says he suspects poison. The people around him and connected to him are dying mysteriously; he assumes there is a vendetta against him. He is scared for his life and the poor thing was recently diagnosed with lung cancer."

  "So offer him our comprehensive security package," Jayce said.

  "I did. He is moving to his new place next week—said he desperately needs a break from Kingston—but after I told him about your system, he said he wanted it, along with our comprehensive security package."

  "You shouldn't have told him," Jayce said. "Why are you so impatient?"

  "It's business, Jayce. You are sitting on a gold mine and you are here slowly caressing it and cherishing it like a to
y. I know," The General snapped his fingers. "Aren't you having a housewarming party? I will invite him so you can show off the technology."

  "To my house? No!" Jayce sputtered, "I wasn't even thinking of having a housewarming party. Besides, he is your friend. If I had a party, it would be with my friends and you, of course, and a pastor to do the prayer…one that I like. Definitely not Greenwald. I don't want him anywhere near my home. I wonder if Bobby James can make it to the housewarming?"

  "I thought you said you weren't having one," The General said skeptically.

  "I wasn't but it is a great idea." Jayce nodded. "Thanks."

  "Install the system and invite Hillman. He'll be my plus one."

  Jayce shrugged. "We'll see."

  The General got up. "Do it."

  When he left, Jayce called Let's Party. Cynth answered. "Jayce," she said warmly when he identified himself. "It took you two whole months to finally decide to shake off the immature girls who are pursuing you and get in touch with a real woman."

  Jayce chuckled. "Actually Cynth, I was wondering if you guys can fit me in a week before Christmas. Housewarming party."

  "Are you sure you weren't calling to ask me out on a date?" Cynth asked.

  "Yes Cynth. I am sure."

  "Well...your loss, because I would make a wonderful wife."

  Jayce chuckled. "I am sure you will make a wonderful wife to a very understanding man."

  Cynth laughed. "A week before Christmas is the killer week but Ruby will insist that you are family so..." He heard shuffling. "Would the 19th be okay for you? It is our only free evening for all of December."

  "Sure," Jayce said. "My secretary will send over the names and numbers of the invitees and anything else you need."

  "Okay, handsome," Cynth purred. "Was there anything else you wanted me to do?"

  "I want you to be good and take care." Jayce laughed and hung up the phone.

  Next he called Abigail. They had to have a working lunch.

  *****

  Abigail walked into the office at lunchtime with the delivered food. "Why is everyone so busy?" She cleared a part of Jayce's cluttered desk and put down the containers with the take-out burgers. "It's like there is a burning building somewhere."

  "Everyone wants security at this time of the year. Large and small companies beef up security, so we have to offer manpower and technological assistance and you name it."

  He admired her as she bit into a burger. She was in a maroon polo shirt with the Owl Security logo and jeans. He looked at her and wondered if she knew just how distracting she was in jeans.

  "What?" Abigail asked. "Aren't you going to eat?"

  "Oh." Jayce looked down at his burger. "Not really feeling hungry. Do you realize how absolutely gorgeous you are?"

  Abigail stopped chewing and lowered her burger to her lap. "Thank you."

  "You have sauce right there." Jayce reached across the desk and wiped it away, tracing the outline of her lips.

  Abigail closed her eyes and whispered, "Stop."

  "But why?" Jayce withdrew his hand. "Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely."

  Abigail giggled. "Songs of Solomon 4:3. You used to..." She cleared her throat loudly. She almost slipped and said, "You used to quote Songs of Solomon to me all the time." Luckily, Jayce's cell phone rang at the same time and he answered it.

  "Yes, Norman. You found her. Great. Yes. Send over the report. Thanks."

  He hung up the phone, a distant look in his eyes. "So I took your advice."

  "My advice?" Abigail asked, alarmed. "When did I give you advice? What did I say?"

  "You said that you loved the song Natural Mystic because it told you that you had to change, you can't bring back the past, et cetera. I thought about it last night and I think that I haven't moved on all these years because I never got the chance to say goodbye to Haley. So I asked somebody to track her down for me. I am going to put the past behind me once and for all. I can't change it but I can work with what is now."

  Abigail gasped. "You what?"

  "Tracked her down," Jayce said. "I am going to find her and get closure. I should have done it a long time ago. Instead, I used food as a crutch. You know, started the whole emotional eating thing and got so big that I lost self-confidence—convinced myself that I couldn't like anybody else and had a pigeon's heart but obviously that wasn't true because here you are. I like you and I have to stop bringing up Haley when I am around you. So I am going to give myself closure."

  Abigail slowly put her half-eaten burger back in the wrapper. Her appetite had fled. "But... But I..."

  "Don't worry about it," Jayce said. "I am not going to take one look at Haley and want to go back to where we were. You know what? Let's speak of happier things, like my housewarming party."

  Abigail was staring at Jayce, semi-paralyzed. What kind of report would he have on Haley Greenwald? He had said that they could find out things that were not available to the regular public. She bit her lip in consternation. What will he find?

  "Abby, over here," Jayce said, waving with a smile. "You are just looking fixedly at the corner."

  "Oh yes." Abigail dragged herself from her panicked inner musings. "You said we were going to discuss your party."

  "My father forced me into it," Jayce said, "because of business. He wants to invite his friend and I need to show him the technology I've been working on. Anyway, I was thinking of keeping it by the pool, and I am only inviting those near and dear to me—and my dad's friend, of course. I don't want a whole bunch of strangers cluttering my backyard."

  Abigail smiled. "So you want me to arrange it?"

  "No," Jayce said, "I already asked Let's Party to do it. You can just send over the names of the persons I am going to invite. They'll handle everything else. Are you going to eat first?" He looked at the burger.

  "No, no," Abigail said, "I think I'll write first. I thought I was hungry. Turns out that like you, I am not as hungry as I thought."

  "Okay," Jayce said. "I am doing this off the top of my head. I don't have that many friends... First invitee, Abigail Petri."

  Abigail smiled. "You are inviting me to your party."

  "But of course." Jayce smiled. "You decorated the place; you are my secretary and almost my girlfriend. And I love..." he paused. He was going to say he loved her, and he meant it, he did. He loved her though she was mysterious and uncommunicative about her past and exasperating and...

  Abigail was staring at him with a stillness about her, and then he realized he couldn't declare his love for her like this. He would be a fool to so now. He didn't want to feel her rejection and hear her explanations of why he was being foolish and sentimental.

  "Love working with you," he said, correcting himself swiftly.

  Abigail raised an eyebrow at him.

  "Second and third on the list, my dad and his friend, Senator Oliver Hillman."

  Abigail lowered the paper slowly. "Erm... who?"

  "Oliver Hillman," Jayce said, tapping his cheek. "You have seen him on television, haven't you? He's one of the popular politicians—for foreign affairs, quite close to the prime minister too. He is moving to Mobay permanently and he is using us for his security needs."

  Abigail's hands started to tremble. The shaking started somewhere in her spinal area and then spread out to her extremities, and despite the AC she felt a wave of heat overpowering her.

  Oliver Hillman. Her ex-husband was moving to Mobay? Was his henchman Hunter moving here as well? But of course he was; Oliver did nothing without Hunter. They were as thick as thieves, and that was just one of their mutual sins, murder being another.

  She almost missed the rest of names that Jayce called. It was a good thing that he wasn't looking at her intently, or he would have seen the goose bumps that were puckering on her arms.

  "How many is that?" Jayce asked after a long enough list while she shakily wrote each name. She would have to go to her desk, hyperventilate a bit and then decipher what
she had scribbled.

  Abigail slowly counted the names on the list and had to start over three times. Her mind was in turmoil.

  "You can be my point man on this, okay?" Jayce said, looking at his computer screen and becoming distracted by what was on it.

  "Yes, fine." Abigail stood up.

  Jayce grunted in response.

  Abigail gathered the untouched burgers. So much for a working lunch. She left the room on shaky legs and deposited the food in her trashcan.

  So Jayce was going to find closure with Haley and her ex-husband was in town. If only she could dump her stupid past and wipe her slate clean as easily as she did the burgers.

  If only she could really be Abigail Petri, the independent girl who came from a loving family, who was married to her high school sweetheart and had two point five kids…if only she could be that completely fabricated girl, but she wasn't. Inside her, in her memories and life experiences was Haley Greenwald.

  She sat down hard in her chair and took a deep breath.

  Chapter Twelve

  Jayce eagerly opened the file marked Haley Greenwald that he found in his mail. His contacts were usually thorough and quick. He didn't even watch Abby as she walked from the office, something which he always found pleasure in doing, no matter how busy he was. He was too engrossed in what he would find about Haley.

  He almost found himself getting nervous, like a schoolboy just about to behold the forbidden. He remembered when Ian had found a gentleman's magazine in a teacher's desk in high school, obviously confiscated from a student and forgotten, and how they had gathered around the forbidden material, almost salivating to see what the big deal was.

  He felt the same way now, jittery with anticipation. He clicked the link and his eyes ran over the information at a frantic speed.

  "Haley Greenwald, changed her name to Haley Clarkson, her mother's maiden name, when she left Montego Bay. She Lived with Yvonne Clarkson and was hospitalized for broken ribs." He inhaled shakily; the date was two days after he left for school that January. Had she hurt herself?