by Jodie Larson
The bike vibrates beneath us as I hold on tightly to Myles. I’m thankful he can’t hear my thoughts or see my face. I know it’s a blotchy mess from the tears. When we stop I can blame it on the wind. He’ll understand.
Myles holds the door open for me and I instantly take my shoes off. “I’m exhausted. How can you ride for that long and stay awake?”
Grabbing a beer, he holds one out to me. I shake my head. “I’m used to it. Relaxing, though, right?”
“A little too much.” Yawning, I stretch my arms above my head. “I never thanked you for today.”
His brows draw together. “For what?”
Closing the distance, I wrap my arms around his waist and snuggle into the warmth of his chest. “Coming with and being nice to my mom. You have no idea how much it means to me.”
“Anytime. Besides, Sam was pretty cool. Definitely knows his stuff with bikes. Promised we’d go on a ride together when I have time off in a few months. Maybe you and your mom could have a girl’s day while we tour around.”
Don’t cry. Keep it together.
“Yeah, we could do that.”
The empty bottle rattles against the counter as Myles sweeps me into his arms. “Now, we’re going to bed. We have to leave early in the morning and I plan on not letting you get much rest tonight.”
One last night. That’s what I’ll give him. A happy memory before everything changes. I can do this. It’s what’s best for him. If only my heart would understand.
“Everyone set?” Kade stalks through the bus, a frown nearly dragging his entire face down. Pax and Breck sit quietly in their chairs. Something’s off. This isn’t normal.
“Tay here?” I grab my bag and head toward my room. She left me a note this morning, saying she had an errand to run and would meet me on the bus. Opening my door, I see bags set off to the side. They’re not hers. “Who’s putting their shit in my room?” I bellow.
The bathroom door opens and Melissa walks out with a smile. “Oh, sorry. I wasn’t sure where to put them so I set them here. Don’t worry, I’ll move them.”
Why is Melissa here? This doesn’t make sense. Where is Tatum?
Storming back where everyone else is, the table rattles as my fist makes contact with the wood. “What’s going on?”
Kade swings his glare to me. “I was going to ask you the same thing. Why the fuck did we have to replace Tatum at the last minute? What did you do to her now?”
Replace her? Me? The room spins as I try to grasp what’s going on. No, he must be wrong. Tatum’s here. She told me she would meet me on the bus. Melissa’s just in the wrong place. Maybe she’s leaving on a different tour.
I pull a chair out and hang my head between my knees. Fuck, I feel sick. “She said she was meeting me here.” When I look up, three sets of eyes are staring at me. “Someone tell me what the fuck is going on!” Anger builds to a low pressure, climbing higher and higher. Every cell in my body is on fire. Rage and unease mix in my stomach, a volatile combination.
Pax speaks first. “Don said there’s been a change in the lineup, that Melissa is finishing the rest of the tour.”
“I don’t get it.” Somehow I manage to get the words past the bile rising in my throat. A bead of sweat forms at the nape of my neck and the room threatens to spin again.
Brecken marches over and kicks the leg of my chair. “What’d you do to her? Were you your usual asshole self? Did you accuse her of some made-up shit just so you could feel better about yourself?” He gets close to my face. “You’re pathetic and don’t deserve her.”
The chair screeches before falling to the floor. Standing toe to toe, I stare into the cold eyes of my friend. Fire reignites in my stomach and my knuckles pop as I flex my hand into a fist.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He doesn’t back down. “Really? You haven’t shown that you can change. Hell, you jumped at every chance to rub her nose in the fact that you were over her. Is that what happened? Did you find a tramp and bring her home, forgetting she was with you? Or did you have a ‘meeting’ and she caught you with your dick out?”
Breck’s head jerks back as my fist connects with his eye. Stunned, he stumbles but catches himself and swings at my head. I duck and land another shot, this time getting his chin. Breck fights back, landing a punch to my ribs. It burns instantly, but I push past the pain and swing again, praying for any kind of connection.
“Knock it off.” Kade and Pax try to separate us. I connect with Kade’s face, causing him to shove me into the counter. The corner digs into my side, creating a similar pain to the one in my rib cage. Soon enough, the four of us are crawling across the floor, hitting blindly at each other. Everyone’s yelling, but it comes out jumbled and incoherent.
Someone pulls on my shirt, dragging me away from the pile. Everything hurts, from my head to my legs, though not as much as my chest.
“What the fuck?” Don separates us into opposite corners. Blood drips down Pax’s lip while Breck’s left eye has already started to swell and discolor. Kade’s barely been touched, though he has a reddening mark on his cheek. I wipe the back of my hand under my nose, finding a trail of blood.
“Someone better tell me why you guys are in a pile beating the shit out of each other?”
Red still tinges my vision as I glare at Breck. “Why is Melissa here?”
Don shoves his hands in his pockets and sighs. “Figures it’d be about this.” He gets quiet and picks a chair off the floor to sit down. “We talked about this. Our timeline was moved up and we needed Melissa to come in. Luckily for us she was cleared by her doctor.”
“Moved up? So you fired her this morning? What happened to waiting until after the tour?”
Confusion crosses Kade’s face. “Fire her? What are you talking about?”
“Why else would she be here?” I say, pointing in the direction of my room.
Don raises his brows. “We didn’t fire her. She quit. Told me she was leaving the tour early. Didn’t give a reason why, only wanted to make sure we had a replacement ready for her. That was her only stipulation.”
She left? Oh, my God. She left. Again. Without a note or warning.
Breck grabs a baggie and fills it with ice, pressing the cold pack against his eye. “I don’t understand.”
Don clears his throat. “A few days ago we had a meeting regarding the next leg of the tour. We decided that Tatum wasn’t coming with. She was distracting and creating a negative buzz.”
“Negative buzz? Are you kidding? She has her own fan group,” Pax says, adjusting his shoulder. “None of this makes sense.”
“It’s me,” I say, though I’m surprised anyone heard. When they all look at me, I continue. “My reputation as a bad boy was in jeopardy. Being photographed with a girlfriend was bad for the band, so the label decided that I needed to fly solo, regain the attention of the single women in the audience.”
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Breck sits on a chair and tends to his split lip.
Don sighs. “It was a business decision, nothing against her. We know she had a following, but having her with the tour was distracting.”
“Distracting for who?” Pax looks between me and Don, his frown increasing with each pass.
“Me. I’m the asshole who couldn’t concentrate or get the girls to come back to my room to fuck them since I finally got the love of my life back.”
Don stares at me, blankly. “That’s not entirely true.”
“Bullshit,” I say, rubbing my temples. A massive headache has made its home in the front of my head, wrapping around the sides and travelling down my neck. Everything hurts. But the physical hurt doesn’t match the one inside my chest. “You told me that I needed to get interest back from the tramps in the audience and I couldn’t do that with my girlfriend around. So, yeah, you basically told me I had to pick between love or the band.”
Don leans back in his chair. “You never said you loved her.”
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“I shouldn’t have to. It wasn’t anyone’s business but my own.”
The silence is deafening. No one moves, almost as if everyone is in suspended animation. Nothing needs to be said. The truth is out there. I was given the ultimatum of choosing love or career. And it’s a shitty thing to do. No one should ever have to make that choice. Others get both, but I guess I’m not important enough for that luxury. I’m just the branded “playboy” of the band. Love them and leave them. Good for a ride but make sure you exit quickly. At first it was what I wanted. Things change. People change. I remembered what I had and how it felt to have someone look at me, really look at me, and want the same things I do.
Tatum knew my past and still wanted me. I knew her reasons and still loved her. Through all the hurt and sorrow, we found each other. I thought it was forever this time. Once again, she’s made a decision for the both of us.
“Look, I’m sorry.” Don breaks the silence but not the tension. Anger still rolls through my body. One look lets him know I’m on thin ice. The slightest shove will be the end of me.
“I don’t want your fucking apology.” I grit my teeth, my jaw popping from the pressure. “Where is she?”
He shakes his head. “She didn’t say. I got a call from Linda, saying I needed to meet with Tatum ASAP. She was in my office for a total of two minutes, said she was leaving the tour with no explanation. Then she was gone.”
“Did you tell her you were getting rid of her?”
“No.” Don leans forward, taking a defensive pose. “I told you, we didn’t want that to happen until after the tour. Once she left, I called Linda back to see if Melissa was ready. Her doctor cleared her this morning and then I walked in on the four of you beating the shit out of each other.”
Kade stands next to me. “Is what he’s saying true? You gave him an ultimatum?” Pax and Breck join, all turning their anger to Don.
“It was a business decision.”
“It was the wrong decision,” Kade says, walking away from the conversation.
“Un-fucking-believable,” Pax says. He occupies one of the living room chairs and rests his head back. Breck still has the ice bag over his eye, but squints at me with the other.
“What were you going to pick? Were you going to be a douche or do the right thing?”
I brush past him and lock myself in my room. Melissa must have moved all her crap out somewhere in the shuffle because it’s nothing but empty space. Like my heart.
Picking up my phone, I dial Tatum’s number. It rings twice then goes straight to voicemail. I try again, only this time it doesn’t ring. Her perky voice saying to leave a message is all I hear.
“Tatum, when you get this, call me. I need a fucking explanation as to why you’re not here and running away. Don’t do this. Not again.”
Over the next few hours, it’s like I’m trapped in the movie Groundhog Day.
Call. Voicemail. Hang up. Call. Voicemail. Leave message.
Every few minutes starts a new cycle. A few possibilities come to mind. One: she’s flying on a plane and has her phone off. Two: she’s lying in a ditch somewhere, dead from an accident. Three: was kidnapped and forced to say this lie in order to save me or extort money. Four: she’s a cold-hearted bitch who enjoys making me love her, only to leave.
Kade opens the door, a bottle of Jack in his hand. He looks at my position on the floor and smirks. “Care for some company?”
Grabbing the bottle from him, I bring it to my lips and take a long pull. “Nope. But I’ll keep this, thanks.”
He sits on the edge of the bed to face me as I lean against the wall. The amber liquid burns a trail down my throat, mixing with the already churning acid that’s constantly been rising from my stomach.
“Any word from her?”
I take another swig. “Nope. She’s effectively shut me out.”
“Look, man, I’m sorry. If I had known they were planning this, I would have fought for you guys.”
With a rueful laugh, I drink again. “You know what the kicker is? I was going to give up everything for her. Leave the band, settle down with her and do whatever we wanted. If she wanted to have a singing career, I would have gladly been her groupie. If she just wanted to stay in K.C. and be a mom, I would have found a good paying job and supported us. But, no. Once again she’s tied my fucking hands and left me out of the decision.”
“You don’t know what’s going through her head. Did she give you any indication that she was going to run?”
Thinking back on the last few days, only the good memories come to mind: taking her out to eat, our lazy day inside, writing songs together like we used to, worshiping her body. Something felt off, though. Like she was trying too hard. I can’t quite pinpoint where it happened.
“Nothing, really. We spent our whole time together. She was happy, laughing, completely relaxed. Except for yesterday.”
“What happened?” Kade leans forward, bracing his elbows on his knees.
I shrug. “We drove to her mom’s place, met her boyfriend, had dinner, and came home. Nothing fancy or stressful. But there was something off with Tay. I don’t know what, but she felt different, not herself.”
“Have you tried calling her mom? Maybe she knows what’s going on or where she is.”
“I can’t,” I say. “Tatum never gave me her number.”
“Ever hear of the internet?”
“Ever hear of no one has a house phone anymore? Cell phones aren’t published.”
Kade stands and tries to take the bottle from me but I refuse to let it go. Right now, I need the comfort this bottle will bring, along with the oblivion it’ll cast me into.
“Tonight, I’ll let you get away with drowning your sorrows. Tomorrow, you need to sober up and do your job. I understand your pain. I’ve been there before, remember? Give it time. She’ll come around.”
Just before Kade opens the door, I stop him. “If she’s really gone, I won’t make it. I love her.”
Kade’s sad smile doesn’t help. “I know you do. I’ll get Adrienne to work on it. See if she can find out where she’s at. Girls like to talk and they’ve grown close through their shared misery of you.”
“Ass,” I say, though my smirk softens the words.
A band of light blinds me before Kade leaves me back in darkness. Give her time? Was that all Adrienne needed when she and Kade went through their rough patch? How can I walk away from the love of my life? She’s taken so many pieces of my heart there won’t be much left to glue together if I ever get them back.
The only thing I have faith in right now is this bottle of whiskey and the blissful calm it’ll give before the storm hits in the morning.
This hurts more than I thought it would. Each sharp pain splinters my heart again, tearing into the flesh as if being struck by thousands of knives. But I have no more blood to give, no more tears. Instead I’m hollow, a cavernous void where dreams and love go to die. Maybe I’m not meant to be happy, or only have it for a short while. Dangle it like a carrot and rip it away.
I’ve tried to keep busy these last two days. My boss still thinks I’m on the road and Don said he’d pay me the full amount of the contract, so I’m covered there. He was shocked when I told him I knew I was off the tour after it was done. When he asked me how, I told him about the conversation I overheard between him and Linda. The paleness of his face was all it took. He tried to apologize but it didn’t matter. Nothing was going to change the situation. He wished me luck and I walked out. Just like that, I was done.
The constant ringing of my phone was driving me mad so I tossed it in the kitchen drawer. At first it was Myles blowing it up. Then I put a Do Not Disturb on his number. Then Kade tried calling me. Same thing. Adrienne and Quinn both tried as well. Yesterday I finally turned the thing off to be done with it.
Only a few knocks came to my door, but I’ve been careful not to turn on the lights or give any indication I’m home. Not that I think anyone is stalking my house, but j
ust in case, I don’t want to give them reason to think I exist.
By day three, the groceries were getting thin. A person can only survive so long on ramen noodles and popcorn. A venture to the store is a must. Since I’m trying to stay incognito, sweatpants and my baggy shirt is a must. No one will ever suspect it’s me, especially with the messy bun and lack of makeup.
As I shove most of the bare essentials into my cart, my mind wanders to places it shouldn’t go. What’s Myles up to right now? Does he hate me again? I’m sure he’s thrown away everything of mine by now, including the box of mementos he’s kept in the back of his closet.
In the middle of the aisle, I stop as the despair crashes hard against me. Large tears stream down my cheek. I can barely wipe them away fast enough. Several people walk by quickly, giving me a hard glance before ignoring me. It’s not often you see someone having a meltdown in the middle of the cracker aisle.
“Tatum?” A voice I haven’t heard in years quietly sounds behind me. When I turn, I run into a face so similar to one I’ve looked at for the past few months.
“Lizzie,” I say, wiping my nose unladylike.
She pulls me into a bone-crushing hug. I’m surprised she recognized me since it’s been so long. Not that I’ve changed too much, but sometimes people forget faces or block out your brother’s selfish ex-girlfriends.
“I wasn’t sure if it was you or not. How have you been?” Her long, brown hair hangs over her shoulders as she smiles. So many similarities to her brother, with the exception of her nose and jawline. Thank God she didn’t get those. She’s the spitting image of her mother, perfectly coiffed and proper. Only I know better. Appearances are deceiving. There’s been a party or four we’ve gone to where Lizzie has let loose her inner wild child. It’s not hard to do when you’re four years younger than your brother and his friends.
Brushing away some stray hairs, I force a smile. “I’m okay. What about you? Still living here?” Dumb question. Obviously if she’s at the grocery store.
