I was being ridiculous. I knew that I was, but I couldn’t help myself. Regardless of what had happened between us, I found his touch comforting, and there was a part of me that wanted to fall into him, into the way he felt, and into how he used to make me feel.
Maybe it wasn’t the wisest idea, because I did remember how he had made me feel when he had humiliated me, but I also remembered how he had made me feel before then. So beautiful and… I didn’t know if loved was the right word, but it felt like it was the closest thing to the right word.
“Hey,” he said as he opened the door for me. “What are you thinking about?”
I smiled as I walked into the restaurant, the smell of fried food overwhelming the moment I walked in. “Hmm,” I said. “Gosh, I didn’t realize how hungry I was.”
“How hungry were you?”
“I could murder a stack of pancakes,” I said, then looked him up and down. “Are you okay? You look a little green.”
He flashed me a smile. “I think the reality of the day is hitting me a little,” he said. He was going to say something else, but a hostess came up to us to seat us. We were in one of the booths in the back when she told us our server would be right with us.
When she went away, he looked at me, and I saw the black bags under his eyes.
“So,” I said. “Are you actually okay?”
He sighed. “I don’t know,” he said. “I feel like the intensity of the day is hitting me now.”
“What happened? I mean, you told me what happened during the accident, but like… what led to it?”
He sighed, leaning back. “A little coffee first,” he said. “Then you can interrogate me.”
“I didn’t know that the plan was to interrogate you.”
“Wasn’t it?” he said, raising his eyebrows.
“I’m just curious. Is that wrong?”
He smiled and his eyes shone. “No,” he said. “I like it that you’re curious about me. It makes me feel good about myself.”
I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t help but laugh. “Will you believe me if I tell you that my interest is purely medical?”
“Sure,” he said, winking at me. “I’ll believe that, if you want me to.”
I smiled. I was going to say something, but the server was back with coffee almost immediately, and we were engaged in a conversation about the menu for a little while before he settled on a breakfast burrito with a side of waffles and I on a stack of blueberry pancakes with a side of scrambled eggs and turkey sausage.
When the server went away, Jody looked at me, his expression softening.
“I was surprised to run into you,” he said. “I heard you left for school and didn’t think you were going to come back.”
“The plan wasn’t to come back,” I replied. “It just sort of happened that way. I had some offers in other places, but my mom is getting older, and I wanted to be close, y’know? Not too close. But just close enough that if something happened, I wouldn’t have to rearrange my entire life.”
“Is your mom in poor health?” he asked, furrowing his brow.
I shook my head. “Not at all,” I said. “I would say she’s probably stronger than ever, actually. She retired and is now traveling the world.”
“Wow. Who’d have thought?”
“Right? The company she worked for is a tourism one and she has a ton of perks and stuff saved up, so it costs her practically nothing,” I replied. “She has asked me to go with her, but I have too much work to do.”
“Don’t you live comfortably enough to just… travel?”
I thought for a second. “I earn enough money, yes, and I’m one of the lucky few who managed to get through med school without having to get into tons of debt, but… I don’t know. I feel like I should be helping people now, you know, with the skills that I have.”
“So you feel like this is something you have to do.”
“Why wouldn’t I?” I asked. “I worked so hard to do this. I want to help people. I really do.”
He smiled. “I always thought you were a bit of an ambitious automaton,” he said. “It’s nice to see that you are using your ambition to help people.”
“I figure I can go traveling later.”
“When?”
“When I retire,” I replied. “If I retire, maybe.”
“So you still have goals.”
“I’ve never stopped,” I said, taking a sip of my coffee. “What about you? Is Jody Banks changing the world?”
“I am not changing the world. Hell, I’m not changing anything. I can hardly change the garbage bag once I take the trash out.”
“Things aren’t that bad, surely?”
He bit his lips, sighing as he leaned back on the seat. “They aren’t good.”
I raised my eyebrows.
Once again, we were interrupted by platefuls of food being placed in front of us. The food smelled amazing and it wasn’t until my stomach grumbled that I realized how hungry I was. I hadn’t eaten very much for the entirety of my shift, which happened when things got a little hectic in the ER. At night, it was easy to lose track of eating, even if it meant that I felt a little fainter than I would have otherwise. I normally ate a few nuts for some protein, but I had completely forgotten about it.
Because of Jody. And because of the people he had walked in with.
After talking about the food for a while, I took a bite of the pancake and smiled at him. “You were right,” I said. “This was a good idea.”
“See? I do have good ideas.”
I shook my head. “What else do you have good ideas about?”
“Breakfast,” he replied. “I’m also really good about choosing places to hike, if you ever want to go for a hike.”
I shook my head. “Are you asking me out?”
“Constantly,” he replied. “Is it working?”
I laughed. “You never give it a rest, do you?”
“I’m pretty stubborn,” he said.
“Regardless, you might want to take it easy on the exercise for the next few days,” I said. “You’re probably not seriously hurt or anything, but it’s very important that you rest.”
He twisted his lips. “Got it, doc,” he replied. “I’ll follow your orders.”
“That’s a new one,” I said. “So are you going to tell me what is going on in your life?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know,” he replied. “I don’t know where to start.”
“How about with high school?” I said. “Actually, start with college. I noticed you were riding the train for a bit and then you just… stopped. I never saw you again and I wasn’t sure why.”
“Oh,” he said. “I had to drop out.”
I furrowed my brow. “You didn’t finish school?”
“No,” he replied, waving his hand in front of his face. He stuck a forkful of food in his mouth and chewed slowly as I waited for him to say something else. “I tried. It just didn’t work out.”
“I thought you’d be going to a four-year college,” I said. “Weren’t you on track for a sports scholarship?”
“I was,” he said. “I got scouted and everything, but things weren’t that simple. I was feeling pretty depressed and things were kind of weird at home. My parents’ marriage was imploding and they finally decided to get a divorce when I was going to go to college, but it never ended up happening, so I was there, front row seats to watch their dysfunction blow up in everyone’s face.”
“So you didn’t get your scholarship?”
“I did,” he said. “I mean, I was there for all of a month or two. But I was underperforming massively so I decided to medically withdraw. It was a lot of pressure on an eighteen-year-old who didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. That was when I started going to community college, but even that felt like it was too hard.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he said. He took another bite of his food and chewed it, very slowly. He swallowed and flashed me a thin smile. “One d
ay I got home after class and my mom was gone. She had just moved out, moved all of her stuff, and sent me a text message telling me she would see me soon.”
“Just like that?”
“Yup,” he replied. “And then she never answered my calls for about a year.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “That sounds like a nightmare.”
He smiled. “I mean, I was devastated at first. But then I realized, you know, she’s gotta deal with her own shit. It made me grow up quickly, which I guess was necessary.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to say that. I know that you thought it.”
I laughed, cutting one of my sausages with my fork. “I plead the fifth.”
“This is not a courtroom. I demand an answer.”
“Well, you’ll get an answer when you ask me a question.”
He thought for a few seconds. I took the time to savor my food, saying nothing, staring at his face. I could see a scar on his eyebrow that I had never seen before, cutting across the side, deep into his skin. It was impossible for hair to grow there, so his eyebrow looked incomplete, like he had sliced it off himself. I could also see a smattering of new freckles on his nose over his skin, which still looked mostly the way I remembered. Most of him looked the way I remembered, soft and handsome all at once, though he had grown into his features.
His nose was still strong and straight, except for a little bump in it that seemed new and gave him some character. There were other scars too, from where I was, it was hard to see what they were from. I wasn’t going to ask.
“Do you like it?” he asked, looking right into my eyes.
I swallowed my food, followed with a sip of coffee. “Do I like what?”
“Being a doctor. Do you like it?”
“Yes, I like it,” I replied. “I like it a lot. It’s challenging, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like it.”
“Right,” he said. “It must be nice to have a calling.”
I smiled. Finished with my coffee, I stared at him. “What about you?” I asked. “What do you do with your life now?”
He shook his head. “Petty crime, mostly.”
“Are you going to tell me more about that?”
I shook my head. “No. The less you know the better.”
“Does that have anything to do with the first injury you showed up with?”
“Yes. It does. And the second one.”
Finished with my food, I pushed the empty plates away from me. “It seems dangerous.”
“Well, I’m not doing it for fun.”
“Is it at least profitable?”
“Yes,” he said. “But sometimes, it doesn’t feel worth it. In any case, I’m getting breakfast.”
“Clearly crime pays.”
He laughed. “Yes,” he said. “Clearly, it does.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
2019
“Is this where you live?” I asked as I peered at the large apartment building I was dropping him off in front of. It was painted in an off-yellow color and the bottom of the building was discolored. I could see heaps of trash around it, too, even though the dumpster was only steps away.
He looked at me. “No, of course not, I only brought you here because I’m embarrassed of where I actually live.”
I winced. “Okay, I guess I deserve that.”
“You definitely deserve that.”
“I thought you said crime paid.”
He laughed. “I didn’t say paid well. I would invite you upstairs, but it’s a mess.”
“What makes you think I’m going upstairs?”
“Wishful thinking. I didn’t actually think you were going to go upstairs.”
I rolled my eyes. “You couldn’t think that was going to work. You’re smarter than that.”
He smiled. “Maybe I’m not.”
“I want to make something really clear. We might be able to be friends, but it’s never going to go further than that. I can get over what happened when we were kids, but I won’t be with somebody who’s ashamed of me. I learned that lesson.”
“Do you think I’m ashamed of you?” He said, sounding really concerned.
“I don’t know. But you were back then, and I’m not willing to open myself up to that again.”
“Who would be ashamed of you? You’re incredible. You’re smart and beautiful and—”
“Fat. I’m fat. Say it, it’s not a dirty word,” I said. “That was the reason you were ashamed of me in the first place, wasn’t it?”
“I was a stupid kid.”
“I know. So was I, but I haven’t changed, not really. I still look the same—”
“And you still act the same,” he said, shaking his head. “So, if anything, you should be the one who is ashamed of me.”
“What?”
“A petty criminal who keeps going into the hospital with stupid injuries,” he said. “Why wouldn’t you be ashamed of me?”
I looked him up and down. “I don’t know. I think you’re probably really good arm candy?”
“That’s right. I do have my strengths,” he said, with a smile. “And I am marginally less stupid than I was when I was a kid.”
“Marginally?”
“I don’t want to oversell it,” he replied. “Thank you for breakfast. Really. I had fun.”
“Yeah,” I said. “So did I.”
He leaned over, hugging me. “I appreciate you, Jess. I know I never showed you that enough, but I do. I never stopped appreciating you.”
I hugged him back. “I know,” I said. Right then, I meant it.
***
I told myself that I wasn’t going to think about Jody anymore, but as soon as I got home, and got ready for bed, I felt my mind drifting back to him.
He really needed to stop presenting himself in my ER as one of my patients. That was annoying and it was putting a wrench in things. I meant it when I told him that I thought we could be friends, but sitting alone in my bed early in the morning, going through what had happened during the day, I couldn't help but feel that it was simply misguided wishful thinking.
With our history, I didn’t think it was going to be possible that we were ever going to be anything, certainly no more than acquaintances. I needed to tell him that, but I also didn’t necessarily want to speak with him again.
I needed to. I needed to get him out of my life, cut the source of pain off at the stem, and I knew that. But things were not that simple, unfortunately, whether I wanted them to be or not. And I needed to be honest with him, which was hard when I wasn’t sure if I was being honest with myself.
I thought I was honoring myself, but denying myself someone because they had been unkind so long ago felt a little immature. Maybe I was being immature.
I let the back of my head hit the pillow and looked up at the ceiling, where the fan span and whirred, when I looked at my phone and thought about calling him to ask how he was doing.
I would have to pull his number from his medical records, though, and I wasn’t willing to do that.
I wasn’t going to call him. If I saw him again, it would probably be at the hospital, when he was visiting his friends, and I probably wouldn’t see him again. I told myself that was okay.
I told myself I didn’t want to see him.
It wasn’t as if I didn’t have any other prospects. The truth was that I was still being asked out on dates, still being matched with people on dating sites, and the men I had gone on dates with were asking me if I wanted to follow up on my dates. I wanted to keep my prospects open, I wanted to date, but I wanted to find the right person to date.
I couldn’t let my past suck me back, no matter how good looking my past was. No matter how sexy he was now, with incredible muscles and…
No. I wasn’t going to let myself go there. I wasn’t going to allow myself to think about him like that, because it was going to get me nowhere.
I put the blanket over me and tried my best to fall asleep.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
2019
I arrived a little late at the hospital, feeling like I had been drinking the day before. I hadn’t. The last few days had been something of a blur and I was trying to find my footing once again. It felt like, the moment Jody had walked in, everything had changed for me.
It hadn’t. My life was no different because he was in it, and in fairness, he was hardly in it. We had only gone to breakfast together once, and after that, I hadn’t heard from him again. Not that I wanted to, I told myself. Things between us were never going to be simple and I wanted simple things, at least in my dating life.
My work life was complicated enough. Cam looked me up and down. Her hair was up in a bun, and as always, she looked immaculate. She wasn’t wearing her white coat because none of us ever really did, but her stethoscope hung around her neck, over her pretty patterned blouse.
I could feel her gaze on me as I walked up to her. “Are you okay?” She asked.
“Why, do I not look okay?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I didn’t say that. You just look like you haven’t slept for days.”
“I have heard sleep is for the weak.”
“I’m sure you heard that from a medical provider,” she replied, laughing. “Seriously, do you know why you’re not getting any sleep?”
I rolled my eyes. “What would you say if I told you that I do, but I also know it’s really silly?”
“Oh,” she said, her smile widening. “I know this. I do. Is this about knife guy?”
I shook my head, looking down at the tiled floor as I leaned against the concrete wall. “I really wish you wouldn’t call him that.”
She laughed. “What do you want me to call him?”
“You could call him by his name.”
“You haven’t told me his name.”
I swallowed, looking away from her. “Yeah, because I know you’re going to look him up,” I said. “And that’s going to make things really awkward for me. Plus, he is a patient in this hospital, so… you might not be allowed to.”
“Please,” she replied, rolling her eyes. “He’s not my patient. I haven’t even seen the guy in person. Hell, I’ve never laid eyes on his chart. I just want to know if he’s married or something.”
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