“I feel like everywhere I go and everything I do from now on will be tainted with pain and sorrow. I feel guilty when I smile or have something to laugh about. I feel like I don’t deserve to be alive when Holly is not.”
“That is terrible thinking. You must avoid those thoughts. You have two children who love and need you. They certainly can’t have their father falling apart, now can they?”
“No. They are motivating me to continue on. I can’t imagine how I’d be feeling if they weren’t here.”
Adam sat on the blanket and pulled the basket to him. “Let me serve you, Alice. You were kind enough to bring this to me.”
“I talked to mama about it earlier. She thought it would be a good idea. She was going to come but decided she needed to see Nate.”
“Is she mad at me, too?” Adam tried not to show his anxiety. He didn’t want Alice to think he was weak or to prove to her that her brother had been right about him. He was relieved when Alice shook her head, taking the container of tea and two cups from the basket. She poured the drinks as she spoke.
“No, Mama understands that there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. It’s… it’s horrible for all of us. But we have to accept the fact that she’s gone and we can’t bring her back.”
“I don’t know how to live without her, Ally.” Adam used the shortened form of Alice’s name like he had since they first met. “She’s been my companion for so many years now.”
“I know, Adam. I’m sorry.”
“She was my best friend.”
“I know that, too. Anyone who saw the two of you together for the last few years could see that you loved each other more than anything.”
“My… my heart is broken.” He confessed in a soft low voice, not able to meet Alice’s eyes.
“Yes, Adam. I know. I’m sorry.” Alice couldn’t think of anything more to say. As they were growing up, Holly was her best friend, as well. They nearly always got along, playing well together and rarely arguing about anything. “I will help you get through this, Adam. I will do my best. I don’t know what I’ll be able to do because I know nothing can make you feel better. I can be here for you when you need to talk. And I’ll help you take care of Max and Riley.”
“I will need help with them.”
“You will have Missy around to help also, won’t you?”
Adam felt a pang of regret. “I wish I had not allowed her to stay overnight. I see now how that must have looked to Nathan. No wonder he is angry with me.”
“Don’t think that. Missy did you a favor. She cares about you.”
“I don’t want anyone to think that I’m replacing Holly. I will never be able to replace her.”
“The only people who think that don’t know what they are talking about. They should truly just keep quiet.”
Adam couldn’t help the small grin that crossed his face. “You realize you are talking about Nathan, don’t you?”
Alice returned his smile, though it was a trace of what it had been two weeks before. “My brother and I don’t always see eye to eye. Unlike Holly, he and I have very differing opinions. I could always count on Holly to at least try to see my point of view. She would state her opinion and I would state mine. They were almost always the same but even if they weren’t she didn’t explode about it.”
“I guess this is just a burden that is too heavy for Nathan to carry right now.”
“He loved Holly so very much.”
“How is your papa doing?”
“Holly was his little girl. He misses her a lot. Mama says he’s not doing so well.”
“Should I go and see him?”
“I think you might want to wait just a little bit.” Alice took a bite of ham and followed it up with a small chunk of bread she tore from the corner of the loaf. “He needs some time to process all of this. I know it’s been a week, but… well, how about I let you know when he’s ready to talk about it? It isn’t that he’s mad at you or blames you. At least I don’t think he does. He needs more time to heal and every time he sees you, he will only be able to think of Holly. He had such a hard time at the funeral.”
“The children need you all, too. It’s not just me. It’s them. I can’t handle it all on my own.”
“I know you can’t. But know that Mama and I are always here for you.”
Adam was quiet for a moment, thinking about what she was saying. He wanted everything to go back to the way it had been before. However, it wasn’t to be, and he had to accept it.
“I wish we could think of something happy to talk about.” Alice mumbled before ripping off a bite of bread with her teeth. She chewed, contemplating the horizon in silence.
“Well…” Adam chewed his lip. “You look very nice in your dress today.”
Alice smiled at him. “Despite the rings around my eyes and the blotchy skin?” she teased. He looked surprised.
“Blotchy skin? You don’t have blotchy skin. And I don’t notice any rings around your eyes.”
“I haven’t been sleeping very well, to be honest with you.”
“I don’t think any of us have. I have had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. It’s a constant struggle for me.”
“Hopefully that will abate after time.”
“Well, I have to work so I suppose it will.”
“Getting out of the house and distracting yourself with work will be a good thing for you.” Alice nodded. She refilled the cup of tea he had been drinking and adjusted her legs under her so that her skirt was beneath her. She reached down and pulled off the small black slippers from her feet.
Adam watched with an aching heart as the woman who looked so much like his Holly scrunched her small toes in the grass just beyond the edge of the blanket they were sitting on. It was a habit Holly had shared with her sister. Whenever the grass was healthy and green, the girls would take off their shoes and run barefoot, enjoying the cool feel of the grass between their toes. Alice looked up and saw him watching her. She pulled her feet back, looking embarrassed.
“Please don’t be embarrassed,” Adam said. “I know how much you and Holly enjoy doing that.”
“Have you ever done it?” Alice asked in a gentle voice. “It feels amazing.”
“I have to say I have never done that.” Adam wanted to laugh but all he could feel was pain. If she’d lived just a little longer on that fateful day when they were having a picnic, he would have seen Holly doing the same thing her sister was doing. “It, uh, doesn’t strike me as being very masculine.”
Alice looked up the path toward town and then down it toward Adam’s house. She giggled. “I see no one around. Try it. Go ahead. I dare you.”
Adam was thrown back to when they were young, nearly fifteen years previous. Holly and Alice, so young and innocent and sweet, had dared him to swing on a tire hanging from a tree and jump off into a creek below. He’d done it and they’d all had a wonderful time that day. The creek was deep enough to withstand children jumping into it. It wasn’t something they could do now. The tire was probably gone and the creek wasn’t deep enough for adults to splash into without hurting themselves on the rocks at the bottom.
“You dare me, do you?” Adam said. “Hmmm.” He lifted one hand and placed it under his chin as if he was giving it some serious thought.
“Now don’t you be so serious, Adam. Come on. You will enjoy it. I promise. We must concentrate on the little things that make us happy. We have to live on, don’t we?”
“I will never be truly happy again.”
“You will never be happy the way you were with Holly,” Alice admitted, leaning a bit closer to him and scrunching her toes in the grass. “But there are various forms of happiness. And even if you don’t ever feel the love and warmth that you did when you were with Holly, you will find a new way to live. I’m sure of it.”
She watched as Adam gave in and began to take off his boots. “All right, let me give this a try.” He grumbled as if he’d been pressured into it. Sh
e giggled.
“And really, Adam, you must know what I mean by new forms of happiness and living. After Andrew…” she hoped she hadn’t brought up a sore subject with him. The look he gave her let her know he wasn’t upset she had brought it up.
“I hadn’t thought about it that way, Alice. Losing Andrew was very hard. We were all so young and it’s been a long time since I thought about how it affected me.”
“Death isn’t easy to get over, I am sure. Nevertheless, we have to, don’t we? We don’t have a choice in the matter.”
“No, we don’t.” Adam stripped off his socks and scooted to the edge of the blanket to rest his feet in the grass. He was instantly taken in by the cool sensation on his hot feet. “Don’t look at my ugly feet.” He said humorously. “Big toes, flat feet.” He shook his head.
“Don’t be silly, Adam. Your feet look like feet. They aren’t ugly.”
Adam chuckled. “Glad you don’t think so. I do.”
“We all have something we’d like to change about ourselves. But we must live as God made us.”
“Yes, that’s very true.” He gave her a warm smile. “I’m glad you talked me into this. It’s very nice. Thank you.”
Alice laughed. “Of course, Adam. You are welcome.”
CHAPTER NINE
ADAM AND SAM HAVE A TALK
ADAM AND SAM HAVE A TALK
Despite the good time Alice had shown him, he was feeling empty when he left her. It was a comfort and a curse that she resembled Holly as much as she did. It made him feel strange now, being with her without Holly there, too.
He rode slowly, wondering if he should go to the lumber mill and try to do some work. He’d used the work as a distraction but today, he was feeling weak and sorrowful. He just wanted to go back to his house, lie down in bed and not get back up.
He passed the Horse N Saddle saloon, glancing at the doors, wondering if he should go in. He could talk to Sam. Or see if Mark was there. He’d passed it by a few feet before he turned Musty around and went back. If Mark wasn’t there, someone inside might know where he was.
He got down from the horse and threw the reins over the hitching post. It wouldn’t hurt to get a beer and sit down for a few. Alice’s picnic lunch had put some food in his stomach. Drinking a beer wasn’t going to hurt him any.
He pushed open the doors and walked into the dimly lit room. There were no lanterns lit. The only light was coming in from outside. He walked up to the bar. Sam looked at him in surprise.
“Back again? I don’t see you for over ten years and you’re in here twice in two days? How are you doing?”
Adam shrugged, sliding onto a bar stool. “I’m all right, I guess. Thought I’d come in and get a beer before I go find Mark. You seen him today?”
“Not yet. He doesn’t come in here every day and when he does, it’s in the evening. The only people here during the day…” Sam lifted his hand and swept it around the near empty room. “You can see I don’t get much business during the day. Travelers might come through or miners. Gold miners tend to get pretty drunk if they find their treasure.”
“What do you think of the push for finding gold? You ever consider going and finding some yourself?”
Sam laughed, turning to fill a glass with beer from the barrel behind him. “Nope. I don’t have that kind of luck. I won’t even try it. I’ve got a business to run.”
“You could take some time off, go out there, and seek your fortune.”
Again Sam laughed, setting the glass in front of Adam. “No. Not my style. Don’t like to get my hands dirty.” He lifted both hands and flapped them in the air. “Besides, there’s so many coming into town and I watch them fight over that stuff…” he shook his head. “Not worth it, my man. Not worth it.”
“If you say so. Gold is pretty popular.”
“It is for now. Next year, it will be something else. Maybe peaches or something.”
That made Adam laugh. “Peaches? Peaches don’t grow much here.”
“That will take the treasure hunters somewhere else then.”
“That wouldn’t be good for your business.”
Sam lifted his eyebrows. “You’re right. I hope they come seeking gold for the next twenty years.”
They shared a chuckle. The first swallow of beer made Adam feel strangely better. The fog in his mind he’d had all day cleared for a moment. His stomach rumbled but he ignored it.
“I was thinking of trying to find my father-in-law. You seem him often?”
Sam ran a towel over the counter. “Chuck? Not often. He’s not a regular in here. However, he does come in and enjoy one with Nate every now and then. How’s that going for you, by the way? He still mad at you?”
“Yeah,” Adam nodded. “Now he’s got more reason to be mad.”
Sam stared at him. “What do you mean?”
“I had Missy Springfield over to babysit last night. While I was in here, you know.” Sam nodded. “When I went home, I was out of sorts.”
Sam chuckled. “You sure were.”
“Missy stayed over and helped get the kids ready for school this morning. She made breakfast for them. She stayed with Riley in the loft above us. I mean, above me.” He sighed. “Nate came by this morning before work to apologize and if he didn’t see her and assume I’d already gone and replaced Holly with another woman.”
Sam frowned. “He did? What did he say?”
“Just that. He said I’d already replaced her and wouldn’t listen to reason. So God only knows what he’s saying to people now.”
Sam shook his head. “Anybody who knows you knows you wouldn’t do that, Adam. Don’t worry too much about it. I’d say your reputation is pretty safe around here. You may not have grown up in Wickenburg, but you’ve been here for nigh on fifteen years. Ain’t nobody gonna believe that tripe.”
“I don’t know. I hate that he’s thinking those things about me.”
“Y’all were close before, weren’t ya?”
“Yep.”
“So how could he think somethin’ like that about ya? He knows, Lord everybody knows, how much you loved your wife. There was no doubt about it from the minute ya got married.”
“That’s what I thought too. And Alice said as much earlier.”
“So you talked to Alice? What does she think about what Nate’s sayin'?”
“She’s in disagreement with him. I don’t think anyone in the family will actually stand up against him because he’s grieving like the rest of us and handling it his way. However, alienating me won’t help matters. It only makes it harder for everyone.”
Sam nodded. “Especially you. I gotta say, my friend, it’s not right what he’s doing. Bible says you leave your mom and pop and become one with your wife. That’s how you two were. I never seen any two people that loved each other so much. I’m sure you feel like you’d give your own life to have her back here.”
“I’d do that just for the kids alone, don’t matter what Nate thinks.”
“I get that.”
“But since that can’t happen, I gotta try to figure out how to get Nate back on my side.”
Sam leaned on the counter with both elbows, clasping the towel in between his thick hands. “You want my opinion, Adam?”
Adam shrugged. “Go ahead, Sam, what’s on your mind?”
“You don’t need to do anything. Nate ain’t gonna hurt you.”
Adam pressed his palm against his head where Nathan had punched him the night before. “I don’t know about that.”
Sam noticed the gesture and lifted his head once in acknowledgment. “That ain’t nothin’ but the drunken stupidity of a man in mourning. I know ya don’t want to deal with any more than you have to right now but I really got a feelin’ Nate is gonna come back around. He’ll want to apologize to ya.”
“He did. This morning.”
“But then he got mad again. See, he’s not in his right mind. He never woulda done a thing to hurt you if he was.”
“He can
’t go around beating people up because he’s mad at them.” Adam replied, taking a long swig from the glass. He was surprised when Sam laughed.
“Men go around beating up other men because they’re mad all the time. Or shooting them down in the street. It’s the law of the land. But I know what you mean by that, Adam.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m trying to see things from his point of view. Alice and Caroline are not mad at me. They know I couldn’t have done anything about what happened to Holly. There… there weren’t any signs to tell me anything was going wrong.”
“I know. So that’s what he was mad about? He blames you because of Holly? What does he think, you murdered her?”
Adam cringed. “I guess that’s his thinking, yeah. He says I should have taken her to Doc Brown to get her checked out. But she hadn’t been complaining. It… it just happened. I can barely think straight without her here. It’s like I lost half my soul.”
Sam nodded. “You kinda did, my friend. It seems that way to me anyway. Want another?” Adam set the empty glass on the counter and stared at it for a moment.
“Yeah, I suppose so.”
“You gonna start coming in here all the time now, aren’t ya.” It didn’t sound like a question to Adam. He watched Sam refill the glass.
“I don’t know yet. We’ll see how the cards are dealt.”
“Well, you’ve never been a drinking man,” Sam turned and set the glass down. “So be careful with this stuff. You might find yourself drowning in it.”
“You gonna deny me service, Sam?” Adam asked in a teasing voice.
“Don’t make me, son, don’t make me.”
Adam chuckled. He lifted the glass in the air and then took a swallow while spinning in his seat to see the other people in the saloon. Two men at a table were playing an almost silent game of cards. Several other small groups of men were chatting quietly to themselves at other tables. To his dismay, he noticed several men glancing his way with a look of disdain. Nate had been talking, he was sure of it. When one person said something and it traveled to other people, the story seemed to change until it was completely different. He could only imagine what the men were thinking.
Handsome Widower’s Second Chance (Family of Love Series) (A Western Romance Story) Page 7
