But she didn’t want that. She wanted more commitment, and at one point, she thought Alejandro was going to want that, too.
She braked at a stop sign to let a punk dad push his baby stroller across the intersection. A leashed wiener dog trailed happily behind.
Shekinah had no issue with Alejandro taking time off work. He clearly needed to and had enough money to float for a while. What she took issue with was his withdrawal. From her. Oh, she’d tried to work through it in meditation and through prayer, but none of it stuck. Not for more than a few days, at any rate. Every time she saw him was another reminder of the distance between them. She knew she needed patience. That it wasn’t about her. But that didn’t make it hurt less. That was the thing about having a partner. Even during messed-up times, they were there. You were in relationship together, helping each other work it out.
That wasn’t happening right now. A car pulled out from in front of Alejandro’s condo building.
“Thank you!” she called out to the universe. She’d take every blessing she could get.
After navigating into a parking space, she turned off the car and just sat for a moment. She looked at the small images of Ganesha, Parvati, and Shiva on her dashboard, and inhaled slowly, as deeply as she could.
“Jai Ganesha. Om Namah Shivaya, Maata Cha Paarvati Devi…” she prayed. Who knew what obstacles were still in front of her? This morning proved she needed all the help she could get with the situation with Tish and Alejandro both.
She texted Alejandro to let him know she’d arrived, grabbed her purse from the passenger seat, scanned for traffic, then opened her door and got out.
“Here goes.” She took a deep breath, then unlocked the front security door and made her way up three flights of stairs.
He was waiting for her, door open, smile on his face. “Hey, my love!”
She managed a smile. God, he was beautiful. Most people would call him handsome, she knew. But to her, when he smiled? He was always beautiful. She wanted to forget about the conversation, wrap him in her arms and take him straight to bed.
“Hey there, yourself!” They kissed, a quick, friendly peck at first, and then a slower, deeper connection. His lips were warm, soft, firm. Exactly what she wanted. She sighed and rested her forehead against his.
“You okay?” he asked. “I know this must be a lot for you. Tish’s visions and all…”
She walked past him into his spotless, well-appointed condo, boot heels clacking on the dark brown bamboo floors. Dropping her purse on the brown leather sofa, she shucked off her black coat and turned.
“It isn’t just about Tish, though that worries me. It’s you, Alejandro. Us.” She crossed to the tidy kitchen space and filled the kettle for tea. “I wish we could just talk about Tish. Hell, what I actually wish is that we could just hop into bed and make love. It’s been a month, you know.”
She paused, and tilted her head at a familiar sound. The light scent perfuming the air. “Are you doing laundry? I thought you did laundry on Saturday mornings.”
Alejandro was nothing if not a creature of habit. That was one reason this whole “not working right now” thing had thrown him for such a loop.
His brown skin grew ruddy and he glanced down, just for a moment, before looking up again.
“You had sex with someone last night, didn’t you?”
He shrugged, a sharp jerk of his shoulders. “I did. So what? Didn’t you have Maureen over last night?”
Shekinah rubbed her hands across her arms, suddenly cold. She strode across the floor and flicked on the fire, trying to calm down. Her heart was beating so fast! Her throat was closing up. Do. Not. Cry. Damn it.
“This has nothing to do with Maureen, and you know it! Do not deflect with me, Alejandro!”
He threw up his hands and turned his back on her, heading to the kitchen, crashing cupboards open, getting down mugs. Teabags. He was making her tea.
“Are you going to talk to me?”
“I’m making you your damn tea! I thought you’d appreciate it!” He stopped, both hands on the kitchen counter, head down, breathing hard. “I was trying to buy us a little time. Make us something to drink. Maybe calm down a little.”
He looked up at her, dark eyes hurt. Angry. Hers probably looked the same.
She took off her boots, then walked in stocking feet to the kitchen. No more crashing around. She loved him. He loved her. No matter what, those things were true.
Placing her palms against the cool white quartz, she leaned toward him, the counter between them. Close enough for now.
The kettle clicked. He poured steaming water into two mugs that already held teabags. The scent of mint mingled with the smell of laundry soap. Laundry soap. Damn it.
“I just…are you trying to control my sex life now?” Still angry, but softer, more plaintive, as if part of him was pleading for her to understand. “We agreed…”
“This has nothing to do with Maureen. Or our agreements.”
He set a mug in front of her. She didn’t want it anymore. She wanted to throw it across the room. Watch it smash and splatter. But she didn’t do things like that. They didn’t do things like that.
“You really don’t know why I’m upset?” she asked.
He ran his hands over the light stubble on his head. He looked tired, she noticed.
“I know we’ve been having trouble lately. That my crisis or whatever it is has been hard on you. But about me bringing someone home last night? No. I don’t. It’s not as if that’s something new.”
“It isn’t because you had sex with someone else. It’s because you haven’t had sex with me in over a month. You’ve said you needed space. That you weren’t feeling it. That it wasn’t me. Well, I’ve been patient. People go through things, you know?”
“And I’ve told you I appreciate that. That I appreciate you.”
“God, Alejandro! Don’t you see how this must make me feel? You brought someone home last night! You had sex with some random, casual stranger!”
“How do you know…”
“Don't! Don’t. Even. Do. That. You’re deflecting again, and that pisses me off. And worries me. You say it’s not about me, but you can have sex with someone else all of a sudden? Well, that makes it feel like it’s about me! Like it’s about us.”
He looked down again, staring at his tea mug as if answers floated in the pale, fragrant water. “Maybe it is.” His voice was so quiet she barely caught the words. “I just don’t know, Shekinah. There’s so much going on and…”
“Were you ever going to talk to me about it?”
He looked at her, wounded. “Yes. I was.”
“When?”
He just shook his head. “I don’t know! I don’t know anything right now! I thought I was taking time to figure things out! I thought we’d talked about that!”
She needed to be careful. So careful right now, or she’d blow things up.
“We had. But it was my understanding that you’d come to me when you were ready, not find someone else.”
“I didn’t…”
“I can’t do this right now, Alejandro. I’m too angry. We’re both going to say things we don’t mean.”
“Maybe we should! Maybe we need to have this out. Tell me, Shekinah. Tell me how you feel.”
“I feel hurt. And angry. But I’m not going to let you push me into regretting my words. You’re out of balance, Alejandro. Ask your witches for a reading, or to kick your ass across the astral plane, or whatever else you need. I’m not going to do it for you.”
She walked across the living room, grabbed her boots and purse, and headed toward the vestibule and the front door.
“I’ll see you at Raquel’s tonight. We still have to deal with Tish. She needs our help.” Her voice caught when she said that. Betraying her.
“Shekinah…”
Turning at the door, she looked at the man she loved and saw the confusion there. If what she’d already said didn’t make him understand, she
didn’t have the words. Maybe they’d get to the words someday, but not right now.
“Alejandro…I’m the one that needs a little space right now. We can talk more tonight. Before or after we meet with Tish is up to you. But I have too much work on my plate to spend all afternoon hashing this out.”
“Okay,” he said, voice hard again.
“Okay,” she replied, opened the door, and shut it behind her.
She padded down the stairs in her socks, boots in hand, and cried.
15
Alejandro
Well, fuck.
Alejandro stood, staring at the closed front door. What, exactly, had just happened?
You know, doofus.
So the real question was, how in the world had he let that happen? She was right. He’d been trying to pick a fight. To get her to rip one of his scabs off so he could attack. Blame her, even. And fighting that way? She was right. It wasn’t how they did things. Some of their arguments over the past five years had hurt, sure, but they’d never been purposefully hurtful. Right now he felt like one of those guys that picked fights in bars just to feel the power of getting punched in the face and being able to punch back.
Was his life so hard that he needed to fight some unseen force about it?
No. It wasn’t. He was a privileged pendejo, whose life was damn sweet.
Disgust roiling in his belly, Alejandro walked back to the common room, dumped the cups of tea in the sink, and placed the mugs into the dishwasher. Then he realized what he was doing. What he always tried to do.
Restoring order. Setting things in place. Tidying up so he didn’t have to look at the mess. Ever. Except, he was a fucking mess. Maybe he should just give up, answer some of those emails piling up, desperate for his services. Take on some paying work. Pretend his life was righteous and exactly the way he wanted it.
Except he couldn’t. He couldn’t work for the polluters and exploiters anymore. Couldn’t make their machines hum more efficiently for the sole purpose of making them more money. He’d held that knowledge in abeyance for as long as could could; now, it tore at his soul. He felt…frayed. Angry. Tired.
“Damn it.”
From the kitchen counter and the coffee table, his ancestors smirked at him.
::You think life is tidy, mijo? You have a lot to learn.::
Yeah, well.
Alejandro sighed. He’d been doing a lot of that lately. Damn it. He’d really looked forward to seeing Shekinah. And the night with Thomas had been…nice. He hadn’t felt that alive, or that sexy, in quite a while.
And how do you think Shekinah feels?
He just never thought of it. She was always so sexy to him. A gorgeous woman with a huge heart and even bigger smile. He’d always loved that her spiritual practice was even stronger than his. Loved her confidence.
And when was the last time you told her any of this?
He just figured she knew. After five years, it didn’t seem like he had to say it anymore. But maybe that was part of the problem. He counted on the relationship but hadn’t pulled his weight for a while, even before things in his life went south.
The base of his skull pinged again, and he scanned the room. The photos and family objects…but no. It was the big, colorful weaving again, with the upraised arms and red bands of color. And then there was the smaller one next to it, that he hadn’t really paid attention to in the early morning light. That one was all done in shades of black, white, and gray. As he approached the weavings, it felt almost as if there was a force field around them. Had there always been? Was that another thing he just hadn’t noticed?
No. This was different. Something new.
::Because it is time.:: the ancestors said. ::Time that you learn.::
Learn what, though? Great Gods and Goddesses, he hoped this wasn’t some damn midlife initiation process. He’d been through enough initiatory rites with the coven.
Then, one corner of the black and gray weaving caught his eye. A tiny leaf shape, gone unnoticed. Then another, in the opposite corner. His eye searched all four corners, picking out the small, black objects, pictures, woven into the larger pattern so seamlessly…they looked like spear tips, or leaf blades.
::!::
The base of his skull flared.
“What?”
::Pay attention.::
He stared at the weaving. Show me more, he thought. What did the symbols mean? Nothing. No response. Just the same weavings that had hung on his wall for years, ever since his abuelo had gifted him with them, the first one upon high school graduation, the second, after he graduated college and got his first client.
He tried to open the energy centers at the soles of his feet, and in the palms of hands. Tried to deepen his breathing. But he was too off kilter. Out of balance.
Out of practice. The disruption of routine had toppled all of his practices. Raquel and Brenda would tell him it was time to get back to it all, and he would. But first, the ancestors needed their ofrenda.
That, he could build.
16
Shekinah
Raquel’s home was a beautiful old Craftsman with gleaming wood and good bones, but what made it special was the way Raquel had made the place a home. A big red sofa faced a fireplace, comfy-looking chairs and ottomans, and a bright painting of a small Black boy, face alight with joy, arms upraised to the sun.
“That’s a portrait of Zion when he was around five. It’s the Tarot card, The Sun.”
Raquel set down a tray with a squat brown teapot and four mismatched cups.
“It’s beautiful.” Zion had greeted Shekinah when she arrived. She really liked the boy. “It’s funny, all these years, and I’ve never spent time in your living room. I think I’ve only been over for garden parties in the summer.”
“Yeah. Alejandro is here all the time for coven meetings, but we don’t really socialize much outside of coven.”
Raquel plopped down on the other end of the couch, and tucked one jean clad leg under the other. Shekinah had always admired Raquel. Brenda, too. From what Alejandro had told her, it seemed like the two women led the coven with light and graceful hands, but weren’t afraid to throw down if necessary.
“Alejandro’s giving you trouble, isn’t he?”
Shekinah sighed, and wished she already had a mug in her hands. It would give her something to do besides look around at the art on the walls and avoid this woman’s gaze. Her eyes were almost as penetrating as Shekinah’s teacher’s.
“I’m not sure what to do, Raquel. I love him. We love each other. But he’s being such a shit lately. He tried to pick a fight with me today.”
Finally, Raquel leaned forward and poured steaming, fragrant tea into the two mugs. “What about?”
“Well, too much information, but…our sex life has been almost nonexistent lately, and I’ve been giving him his space. You know. To work things out. But he picked someone up last night, brought them to his home, and had sex. I’d gone over all prepared to have a relationship conversation, and was confronted with that. That’s when he deflected. Tried to pick a fight.”
She blew across the surface of the tea. Some sort of spiced blend.
“That’s low.”
“Right?”
“He’s flailing, and I know you know that. Brenda and I are definitely going to be kicking his ass if he doesn’t start finding a way through soon. We’ve been hoping he’d figure it out on his own before it came to that.”
The tea tasted faintly of apples, cardamom, and cinnamon. It was comforting, almost as if the witch knew she needed it. It smelled like October.
“Thanks for letting me come early. It helps to know I’m not overreacting to all of this.”
Raquel tucked her other leg up, folding her curvy frame cross legged on the sofa.
“I’m happy to help if I can. We try to not interfere in coven members’ lives too much, but it’s pretty clear to me that you and Alejandro are good for one another, and that he’s gonna need more support moving for
ward. You’re part of his support system, so…”
“So I get some support, too.”
Raquel smiled. “Something like that. And I know you’ve got your own practice, but if you ever need a reading, or help with a spiritual cleansing for your person or your space, just let Brenda or me know. And before you ask, Alejandro knows I was going to make the offer.”
Shekinah settled back into the sofa. “That’s actually a relief. I don’t want to be going behind his back to the people he relies on. That’s not how our relationship works. Although right now? I’m not sure how it works at all.”
“Give it time. My sense is that he’s on the cusp of something. He’ll break through soon.”
“You think so?”
“He always does.”
There was a knock at the door, and Raquel set down her mug and rose to answer. She heard Raquel greet whoever was there. Heard the rustling of a coat. A woman’s voice.
Tish.
Was it bad that she felt relieved? Alejandro would be here soon, but the longer she could avoid it…
Shekinah set her own mug down and stood to greet her friend. She looked even worse than last time, with purple shadows beneath her eyes.
“Tish.”
“Oh. Shekinah.”
Shekinah embraced her friend, who tucked her head against her shoulder.
“Have you had more visions?”
“Yes. And they’re bad. Really, really bad.”
What could be worse than seeing your brother shot on the sidewalk? Shekinah didn’t want to imagine.
“Sit. Have a cup of tea. Tell us about it,” Raquel said, directing Tish to one of the comfy-looking chairs that flanked the fireplace.
“Did Shekinah…”
“Yes. I know about the vision of your brother. Can you tell us about the others?”
Raquel leaned forward to pour tea.
Tish began to shake, violently. Raquel rose and crouched at her side, one hand on Tish’s knee, the other on her arm.
“Sister? Take a breath for me, okay?”
Shekinah watched as Tish struggled, one hand clutching the chair arm so hard it looked as though her fingers might snap.
By Dark Page 6
