by Mia Archer
“Get her!” the demoness shouted. “She can’t be allowed to leave with our sacred secrets!”
I wasn’t sure what all that “sacred secrets” business was all about, but I did figure I wanted to be as far from all these assholes who looked like they were about to try and kill yours truly as possible. Preferably before they started trying to kill me.
“Uh, yeah,” I said. “This was clearly a mistake, but you’ll forgive me if I’m not interested in sticking around long enough for y’all to kill me.”
The demoness hissed. It was a sexy sort of hiss, but then again just about everything she did would register pretty high on the sexiness scale.
Also, as she hissed a sword appeared in her hand as her tail whipped around her. I figured that was my cue to get the hell out of here. I mean her yelling at all her friends to kill me was probably my cue to get the hell out of here, but that sword being wielded close enough to cause some serious damage was really my cue to get the hell out of here!
It was time to exit, stage right. Which also happened to be the direction of the portal that would take me the fuck away from this group of horny homicidal assholes. I paused to look at some of the girls gathered, and particularly at the one with the blue skin who’d caught my eye when I first arrived.
There was something about the way she stared at me that gave me pause. Sure she was hot as fuck, I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t part of the reason why I was so interested in looking at her, but there was also a pleading in her eyes as she stared at me.
I sighed and ducked as the demon succubus woman swung a sword at me. I rolled and came up right in front of the blue girl. And as I looked at her I realized she was wearing some sort of chain or something that was attached to…
My eyes narrowed. The demon succubus bitch had that chain attached to her wrist. She had this blue girl on a fucking leash! What the fuck?
Well then. There was a damsel in distress here. This was probably going to get me killed, but I couldn’t resist trying to help.
“Um, so I don’t have long, but you seemed like you could use some help here?”
8
Escape
The blue girl rolled her eyes, and for a moment I thought maybe I’d misread the situation again. I seemed to be doing that a lot since I’d logged into this game.
“Fucking yes!” she said, then she gave me the most stomach twisting pair of bedroom eyes I’d ever had the good fortune of seeing. “Get me out of here and I’ll make it worth your while.”
I sighed. Did everything in this game come down to sex? It certainly seemed like everything in this part of the game did, at least. Still. The pretty blue girl with the pointy ears looked like she was in trouble, and who the fuck was I to deny a damsel in distress?
I grabbed the chain. I was yanked and threw the succubus off balance.
Which also, incidentally, sent her black sword clattering to the ground. It was a weapon with a sharp edge, so I figured it’d do. I picked the thing up, and immediately regretted that decision as my mind was filled with a noise that I could only describe as the unholy screams of the damned.
Maybe for some people that would’ve been enough to get them to drop the obviously cursed sword, but I was in a hurry here. If I had to use a weapon that was clearly forged in the fires of whatever passed for the hell equivalent in this game to get the fuck out of here and save the blue chick then I’d do it, damn it.
I brought the thing down on the black chains holding her in place. The problem with that being there were sparks as the two chunks of metal came together, but nothing beyond that. I didn’t even so much as make a ding in the chains.
“Fuck,” I said, casting around and trying to figure out how the hell I could fix this situation.
I looked at one end of the black chain. It was attached to the blue girl’s neck, so it’s not like I could do much of anything there without prematurely ending her life. Sure she might go to a respawn point, or wherever the fuck it was people went when they were killed in this game, but it’d hurt her.
Then I looked at the other end of the chain. It was attached to the succubus chick’s wrist. Attached to the woman who’d already made it pretty clear she wouldn’t mind if everyone else in this room killed the fuck out of me.
Yeah, when I thought of it like that it was actually pretty fucking easy to come to a decision about who was going to get the business end of this sword succubus woman had been nice enough to give me.
The nice succubus didn’t look nearly as nice when the nice black blade filled with the foley department’s idea of what the souls of the damned sounded like came slamming down on her wrist, separating her hand from the rest of her.
I stared at the hand for a moment. It was surprisingly realistic as some sort of dark blood went flying out of the stump that’d been attached to succubus lady’s hand only moments ago. I half expected the hand to go skittering across the ground or something else creepy, but it wasn’t to be.
No, it just flopped there on the ground before going limp. The blue hottie pulled the chain towards her and then the hand moved again as it flopped onto the ground.
“Let’s get the fuck out of here!” blue hottie said.
She didn’t have to tell me twice. We were in serious danger here, after all. I still wasn’t sure exactly what the fuck it was that’d prompted me to do this in the first place. Maybe it was a pair of pretty eyes, or seeing someone who was clearly in trouble in the face of a bunch of assholes having the kind of party that didn’t give any thought to the consequences that party had for the people who were providing the entertainment.
Whatever the fuck it was, I was ready to get the fuck out of here. The crowd of angry gamers moving in on us only encouraged my desire to get the fuck out of here.
So I turned and dove for the portal beside me, not bothering to wait and see if the blue chick followed. The world pixelated and disappeared into a swirl of light as I was disassembled at one end and reassembled at the other end.
Diving through the portal didn’t help matters. I fell into the front of the line waiting to get transported to whatever custom fuck dungeon these people were hoping for and sent people tumbling down the stairs.
At least one player, a beautiful sorceress with an achingly gossamer robe that wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding one hell of a body, fell against the stairs in such a way that there was a crack followed by a death animation as she landed on her neck in the wrong way.
Oops.
I sent a guy in full plate armor stumbling back against the wall, but he seemed better off. The armor kept him from breaking anything that’d send him into a death animation, at least.
“What the hell is going on here?” the mage who’d been acting as a no-tell motel proprietor asked.
His yell was interrupted by the blue hottie appearing seemingly out of nowhere with that weird transporter effect. She glanced around in surprise, then her eyes fell on me and she grinned. Then she really surprised me by pulling me in for one hell of a kiss.
Not that it was to last long. Because I was still keeping an eye on the mage running things here, and he smiled a cruel smile as he held his hands up. A fireball appeared there, and I figured that was meant for yours truly.
“You’re going to pay for that, noob,” he said.
I reluctantly pulled away from the kiss. That kiss was a hell of a lot of fun, don’t get me wrong, but the threat of impending death seemed a hell of a lot more important at the moment.
“Maybe you should be a little more careful who you teleport, asshole!” I shouted.
I knew on some level that it wasn’t a good idea to go antagonizing the nice high level mage who could obliterate my character, but I was so frustrated with the treatment I’d received since I started this game that I figured it was just a little deserved.
I grabbed at the full plate dude’s helmet. It pulled off easily enough, revealing a very surprised player underneath. I tossed the helmet at the mage and landed a hit righ
t on his fiery casting hand. The fireball exploded as it went off, only it exploded into the mage.
A moment later there was a death animation for the mage as well as the two beefy looking security types who’d been hanging around behind him looking all menacing, and the portal behind him started to flicker as though the whole thing was starting to destabilize.
“What did you do, you asshole?” someone shouted, panic clear in their voice.
“We need to get the fuck out of here!” someone else shouted. “Unstable portal!”
That was enough to set off screams all down the line leading into the inn proper. I glanced at the blue hottie and she had a slightly unhinged grin on her face, but she also looked worried. I figured unhinged and worried wasn’t a good combination.
No, I was pretty sure there was a pooch around here, and I’d just walked right up behind the thing and given it a nice loving screw. Again, not the kind of screw I’d been looking for when this adventure started, but it looked like the game world wasn’t being particular in the way it fucked me back.
Fuck!
I also figured if other players, including the ones I could now hear screaming in the common room down below, were afraid of this portal blowing up then that meant it was time for me to be terrified of the portal blowing up seeing as how me and blue hottie were a hell of a lot closer to the likely epicenter of any explosion.
Also, I saw a half-giantess arm appear out of that portal which I figured meant the people from the room I’d just so rudely and unintentionally interrupted were coming out of that thing. Chances were they’d be looking for my blood after the way I’d just done that impromptu combination amputation and rescue.
I scrambled over the press of players trying to get out of there. Because I was at the top it was easier for me to make my way around them and over them and down into the common room with blue hottie close on my tail. Where I found myself staring at the barbarian and the hot elf girl who’d turned me down earlier.
“That’s the one who was hitting on me earlier!” she shrieked.
“She destabilized the portal!” someone else shrieked.
Everyone in the common room turned to look at me. I was getting really fucking tired of having all the players in a room turning and looking at me like they wanted nothing more than to fuck my shit up, damn it. I just wanted to play this game, and maybe have a little bit of fun with no strings attached.
Was that too much to ask?
I guess the answer to that was a resounding yes, because a sword attached to that barbarian asshole swung through the air over my head. I just barely managed to duck out of the way at the last moment. I pulled out one of my daggers and slammed it into the barbarian’s leg.
“This is for Mistress Ca… What the fuck!”
He bellowed in pain, but it didn’t look like that was going to do much to stop him. Y’know, the whole barbarians feed on pain and go into a berserker rage thing, which wasn’t very helpful for yours truly.
Not to mention this loincloth sporting asshat was way higher in terms of levels than yours truly, damn it, and that meant it was time for me to get the fuck out of here before he managed to land a hit with his giant sword.
“You certainly like to get people’s attention!” the blue hottie yelled, coming up behind me and grinning an unhinged grin.
“Yeah, well what can I say?” I said.
I couldn’t say much. That sword swung through the air again, and it was only someone knocking into me at the last moment that kept me from losing a good chunk of my head that time around.
Fuck. This was getting a little to dicey for my taste! Where “too dicey” was any situation where someone was threatening to dice my head like a tomato about to be tossed into a salad or something.
Not to mention the rest of the common room seemed united in trying to kill me. Fireballs flew through the air all around us, one taking the barbarian in the back and sending him spilling forward with a cry, and I figured the only thing that saved me was that targeting in this game didn’t work quite the same as it did in other games.
If targeting automatically sent spells right at whatever was being targeted like in old fashioned MMOs rather than forcing players to have some twitch skills with their ranged attacks I would’ve been fucked. It also helped that there was collision detection that let ranged attacks hit anything between me and that ranged attack.
Like, say, my unfortunate barbarian friend who was now lying on the ground twitching with a smoking hole in his back and the vague smell of roast pork wafting off of him. Gross.
Still, the general confusion caused by all those spells flying around was also working in my favor. People were starting to get so pissed off about the general chaos of the melee around us that not as many of them were focusing on me.
No, most of them were focusing on getting their own asses out of this place in one piece now that the whole common room was devolving from a barely restrained orgy of the sexy variety to a not at all restrained orgy of blood and violence.
I scrambled for the door. Meanwhile I heard more voices joining the fray behind me. Voices that sounded familiar. I turned and rolled my eyes. The half-giantess, the demoness, and a few other people who I was pretty sure were in that room and I hadn’t heard their voices because they’d been too busy fucking one another’s brains out to engage in much in the way of casual conversation were coming down the stairs, and they only had murderous eyes for me.
I had no intention of hanging around and waiting to see what was going to happen if they got to me. PvP was totally enabled here, and I wasn’t sticking around to see what the fuck they were going to do to me!
So I slipped through the exit along with the rest of the press of bodies. My blue hottie, chains still around her neck, was right there beside me in that press of bodies.
We got out just before the press of those bodies and the game’s oddly effective collision detection made it impossible for anyone else to get through that door. A good thing, too, because no sooner had we made it out and went running than the the whole place was consumed in a massive explosion that felt and sounded like the end of the world coming from right behind me.
That would be the sound of the portal finally collapsing behind us. It would also appear that environments in this game were totally destructible, and shrapnel that’d been the inn and the bones of the people in the inn flew all around me.
Luckily, for certain definitions of the word luckily, I was picked up and thrown forward by the force of the blast, and that force had me moving ahead of most of the projectiles created by the blast.
Not the greatest of experiences, but at least I was still alive even if my HP had taken a hit. Then a tree came up to meet me, and the game world went dark around me for a little while.
Fuck.
9
Sneaking
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” the blue hottie asked.
“I’m sure that if I keep hearing you bitching about this we’re going to have a hell of a lot more trouble,” I said. “Now shut the fuck up if you want to get out of here!”
“I’m starting to think I was better off at that party,” she grumbled. “At least I didn’t have to worry about pricker bushes stabbing me there.”
“Yeah, you just had to worry about a different kind of pricker getting you,” I said, not feeling any amusement as I said it.
She didn’t respond. That was a first. She’d had a smartass response for everything I’d said so far. I turned and glanced at her, and realized she’d totally had a response to my smartassery. It’s just that she was giving me a one fingered salute that didn’t translate to words.
We were creeping through the bushes and greenery around the edges of the zone. We’d also come across a couple of people who’d clearly decided they were going to use the edges of this zone rather than the inn to get it on.
Which had saved their lives today. Talk about practicing safe sex within the game in a way none of these jerks had probably an
ticipated!
Maybe they couldn’t afford whatever that mage was charging to teleport people to wherever the fuck he was teleporting them. Maybe they liked being out in nature while they were getting it on. Either way, I cut a wide path around the latest couple of amorous gamers.
They were together in the middle of a pool so clear that I could see through to the bottom. Which meant I was treated to a lovely view of a sexy elf woman and a muscular human dude doing their thing in the middle of that clear water.
I guess water didn’t have the same effects on lubrication in the game world that it did in the real world. Talk about convenient.
There was noise crashing through the underbrush behind me though that didn’t leave me with much time to think about the mechanics of getting it on in the game. I glanced to the other end of the pool, we were about halfway around the edge, just in time to see a crowd of very angry looking gamers appearing at the edge of the water.
It took my pursuers a moment to realize the people in the middle of that pool weren’t yours truly and the blue hottie. Unfortunately in the moment it took them to realize the two horny motherfuckers in that pool weren’t the asshole they were looking for they’d let loose with enough fireballs that the pool of crystal clear water turned into a boiling cauldron of death.
I’d read stories of something like that happening at Yellowstone back before the supereruption. It didn’t look like a pleasant way to go, in the video game or out.
A moment later those two unfortunate horny bastards were floating at the top like so many dead fish, their eyes staring up in surprise as the death animation played around them.
Oops. So much for two lovers enjoying some time to themselves. It looked like they weren’t going to be enjoying much of anything but a trip to the local graveyard for a resurrection.
