by Mia Archer
Damn the people who put this game together and their attempts to make it as realistic as possible.
My eyes rolled as I looked this way and that, and then I found myself staring at something that might be my salvation. Or it might be my crypt. It was a huge hollowed out tree covered in all sorts of moss and other stuff that grew on dead hollowed out trees in the middle of a forest.
It wasn’t much, but it was a place to hide. Maybe. I had a hard time believing I’d actually find something that worked in my favor in this game considering how well things had been going for me so far.
Besides, it’s not like it would actually be my crypt. This was a video game. As soon as a goblin offed me I’d be back at a graveyard where I could either come out here and find my body or I could respawn there.
Either way it was a fifty/fifty chance I was about to bite the big one even if I hid in the nice hollowed out tree with big round entrances at both ends that seemed tailor-made to draw players in. Like someone in the design team wanted me to look at that thing and think that it looked like a good hiding place.
Which probably should’ve aroused my suspicions.
Still, there was nothing better. It's not like I was going to fight this goblin off with the spells I had at my disposal. That was the one problem with my plan. I hadn't allowed for the fact that after the asshole tank got killed I'd still be surrounded by a bunch of pissed off goblins who would also be interested in killing my ass.
Son of a bitch.
So I rolled towards my potential salvation. The tree looked like it’d fallen a long time ago. Though of course it’d probably only been placed there by some design team in the past couple of months as they were in crunch time to get this game out to the masses. At least the ultrarich paying masses.
My breath started to come back just as I managed to crawl into the thing. It was slimy and yucky and full of all sorts of oversized insects I didn't recognize from the real world.
"I really hope none of you are venomous," I gasped.
I suppose I should’ve been happy that I was able to gasp at all, but it was hard to work up much in the way of enthusiasm. Not when I could hear more crashing through the woods. A branch snapped somewhere nearby, reminding me of exactly how big and powerful these goblins were.
They weren't tiny little things on stubby legs with long arms that bore more than a passing resemblance to chimpanzees, but with big noses and wide pointy ears. These goblins could seriously fuck something up.
The thing stopped. I heard something inhaling. It sounded like a fucking bear snuffling out there. Not that I'd had occasion to see all that many bears while I was down on the surface, at least not outside of zoos, but whatever.
The thing was sniffing for me. I closed my eyes and whispered a couple of choice curse words as I realized exactly what the goblin was doing. These things weren't supposed to be able to sniff me out, damn it, but that's exactly what it was doing!
I guess it wasn't going to do me a damn bit of good to hide in this glorified log after all. Unless, of course, all the creepy crawly oversized insect shit was enough to overpower my natural scent.
I wasn’t holding out hope that I could be so lucky. Given my luck I’d be covered in oversized insect shit and the goblin would still be able to hunt me down.
More sniffing. I thought I heard the underbrush crunching a little closer. Then there was a loud crack. I looked up and realized the goblin must be right over me. And apparently this log was rotted to the point that it wasn't going to provide much in the way of protection from the goblin that was trying its best to do me in.
Oh well. It's not like I expected my improvised hiding place to do all that much for me to begin with.
"Why can't this game just throw me a fucking bone?" I screamed at the top of my lungs. What was the point in hiding when that thing could sniff me out?
That was good for a chuckle from the goblin. A chuckle I could hear clearly through the rotted wood. I'm sure from his perspective this was all a huge joke. Assuming the thing even had the capacity for understanding humor considering it was nothing more than an advanced NPC in a game.
He was chasing down a hot elf and he was about to have his fun. I just hoped that in this case his "fun" meant he was going to kill me nice and fast. Fast enough that I didn't feel anything. Because I didn't want to think about the other things that were promised when he looked at me with the same sort of bedroom eyes Aleric had been giving me. There wasn't all that much difference between the two of them, when you got down to it, for all that one wore shiny heroic plate armor and the other was…
Well, he was the goblin face staring down at me through the hole it’d created in the hollowed out tree.
The thing grinned. Reached down and tried to grab at me. I turned this way and that trying to get away from it, and knew the entire time that it probably wasn't going to do me a damn bit of good to try and get away from the thing.
"Son of a bitch!" I shouted at the top of my lungs as I dodged the grabbing clawed green hand that looked like the Wicked Witch of the West really needed a manicure.
If this was the game’s idea of a good time then I was seriously going to have to send a strongly worded email to the people that put this together!
23
Creepy Crawly
The goblin grunted and laughed like this was all a game or something. I mean this was totally a game, but it’s not like the goblin knew that it was living in a game.
I tried to shimmy my way up along the insides of the tree. Which was more than a little disgusting considering the thing was dripping with goo and filled with creepy crawly things as well as their shit, but I figured the chance of running into a venomous insect was a hell of a lot better than what was waiting for me on the other side of the rotted gooey wood.
Something slammed down into that tree where I'd been shimmying a moment ago. The thing was following me up the tree. Damn it!
I scrambled as fast as I could while I was on my back in such a cramped location. The goblin’s muscled hand slammed down through the tree again, sending splinters flying all up and down the thing.
I kept scrambling, though for a miracle the goblin didn’t keep trying to get me with its clawed hand. Maybe it gave up. Not likely, but a girl could hope. I saw a light up ahead at the end of the rotted out tunnel.
And I saw something else as I made my way through the muck. Something that would've made me cry out if I wasn't trying my very best not to make any noise. As it was I had to stifle the beginnings of a scream by biting down on my lip which almost had me screaming for an entirely different reason.
I’d shimmied up right next to the remains of some poor bastard’s skull, and I had to remind myself that I was looking at something that was a bit of art in a game and not a very real thing. That skull was made all the more impressive, intimidating, disgusting? I wasn't sure exactly what word I was looking for. All I knew was a millipede type creature that had little claws at the end of its legs, way more than a hundred or a thousand or however the fuck many legs those things had in the real world, came crawling out of the skull’s eye socket.
Also? It had glowing green pincers dripping with some sort of glowing green ooze. Those pincers looked like they could really inflict some damage.
There was totally something shining by the skull too. Something that glinted and glowed ever so slightly with magical energy. Like it was trying to get my attention. I wasn't sure what the hell it was, but I wanted it. Even if I also wasn't sure it was worth it to risk that deadly mutant millipede thing, but it was so pretty and shiny.
What can I say? I was a gamer, and gamers were drawn to loot. Especially MMO gamers. So while I knew it was probably a monumentally bad idea to go grabbing at that glowing whatever the hell it was next to that mutant millipede that looked like it could cause some serious damage to yours truly via some sort of venom, I also couldn't help but reach out and grab at the pretty shiny.
The insect thing hissed and tried to shoot for
my arm, but I yanked it back. Its pincers landed in the wood where my hand had been just a half second ago, and it continued hissing and spitting even though it was firmly lodged in that wood.
Meanwhile I kept moving. It only took maybe a second from noticing the skull to seeing the scary millipede creature to taking my chances grabbing the shiny, but that was a second I didn't have considering there was a goblin currently doing its best to hunt me down.
And sure enough there must’ve been something about the noise I’d made when I grabbed for that thing, because that goblin fist came slamming through the hollowed out tree again. Only this time it landed right next to the hissing millipede that’d finally managed to break free, and it was staring at me with malevolent intent. Motherfucker.
Though the game finally gave me a break. Maybe it was an unintentional break, but it was still a break. Because the moment the goblin shoved his hand through the hollowed out tree the millipede forgot all about me and turned to the nice juicy goblin arm in front of it instead. That hand presented a far more juicy and inviting target, after all. At least from the perspective of that millipede’s programming.
The thing let out a screeching hiss as it reared up on its hind legs, though really it would be more accurate to say it reared up on the legs on its back end even as the clawed legs on its front end started wiggling in clear irritation. Then it threw itself at the goblin’s arm and started digging into it.
Green blood splattered everywhere. Like seriously. It looked like the kind of scene you might expect when you discovered the secret sex dungeon in Mr. Spock’s house and realized he was into some pretty kinky shit when the Pon farr took him.
The goblin yanked up, bellowing in pain. Though it was too late to save the thing’s arm as the millipede was about halfway into its flesh at that point.
Well then. I’d expected venom or something. Not the thing digging into whatever it attacked.
I grinned despite the horror of the moment. Well then. That was something, at least. Maybe the game wasn't saving my ass entirely, but maybe I could use this little distraction to get the hell away.
I continued my trek up the length of the hollowed out tree. It wasn’t long before I was sticking my head out into the slightly brighter light of the forest. Only to see another goblin leering down at me. It chuckled as I tried to turn and get back into the hollowed out tree, but it didn’t work. I could only go up and down the length of this thing so many times before one of those things finally caught up with me.
And it turned out to be a moot point regardless. Because no sooner had I tried my escape than the goblin reached down and grabbed me by the hair. It yanked up and pain bloomed all along my scalp.
I'd never been a fan of the hair yanking even when it was someone I was friendly with doing that yanking. I really didn't care for it when it was a goblin doing it. Especially when he yanked me up by that hair and left me dangling there while he stared at me.
Though oddly enough the goblin’s breath was the most unpleasant thing about all of this. The game seemed to have some mechanic where pain dulled and then disappeared after the initial blast to let a player know the pain was there, but the bad smell didn’t go away nearly as fast.
Have I mentioned how fucking tired I was of seeing things, players and NPCs alike, looking me up and down like I was something they wanted to add to the menu? Especially when it was tough to tell whether or not it was a menu at a restaurant or at a brothel?
I kicked at the goblin, but it didn't do much good. The thing continued to laugh. It knew it had the upper hand here.
Its companion’s screams didn’t help the ambiance. I glanced over and almost wished I hadn't. Because there was something that was clearly moving up under the goblin’s skin.
So much for being venomous. I was suddenly thankful the goblin had been trying to attack me if it meant he was taking this one for the team. Though it also made me realize that whatever the hell I'd been grabbing at probably wasn't worth whatever pain that millipede thing would’ve caused if it did manage to attack me.
"We're going to take you back to the mine and have some fun," the goblin growled.
I blinked. On the one hand it was a surprise to hear it talking in something other than the guttural barks I’d heard so far, but on the other hand I guess it shouldn't have been much of a surprise. It's not like monsters talking in a game were all that out of the ordinary. Though this one seemed a lot more eloquent than your typical goblin speak.
"I don't suppose I could take a rain check on that?" I asked.
The thing’s face screwed up in confusion. I took that moment to try and kick it between the legs, and I immediately regretted the decision.
It turns out that for all that the thing was shirtless up top, it was inexplicably wearing some sort of hard leather underwear down below. It seemed like an odd strategy to only armor that particular part of its anatomy, but then again I guess if a man was going to armor any part of his body in particular that one would be at the top of the list.
"Guess not," I grunted in between various curses at this thing’s mother and its questionable parentage.
"Naughty girl," he said. "But we're going to…"
I was in the middle of considering whether or not the stupid game devs had really created creatures that went to that level of realism with the violence they were willing to inflict on players when the goblin was abruptly cut off. And when I'm saying he was abruptly cut off I mean he was literally cut off.
Like one moment he was standing there gloating about all the things he was going to do to me, and the next moment there was a sword sticking out of his midsection.
Well then. There was something you didn’t see every day.
24
Rescued
The sword disappeared. The goblin looked at me with just a touch of surprise. I wasn't sure if his continued survival was because that sword hadn't quite hit a vital organ, or if maybe it was because this thing was a digital approximation of something happening in the real world and as long as it still had hit points it would still be able to look on in surprise.
That turned out to be a moot point. The thing was quite rapidly relieved of any remaining hit points as that sword came back around and relieved the goblin of his head.
I looked at his hit point counter hovering over his head. That’d still been a little sliver with the blade through the chest, but any remaining hit points were rapidly done away with by having his head removed. I guess a critical shot like that was always going to be enough to take out someone's life in this game where they were trying to be as realistic as possible, for all that there were still things like hit points underlying everything.
The goblin let me go as all the major parts of his body shut down after being cut off from the head. I crashed down to the forest floor. Luckily there was a bed of dirt and muck down that padded my landing just enough that it didn’t hurt too much.
The goblin fell forward, and I was suddenly confronted with the unfortunate reality of having the goblin on top of me even though he'd just been killed and I thought that danger was over.
Son of a bitch!
"If there's anyone on the dev team who happens to be reading the logs from this little encounter I just want you to know this is not my idea of a good fucking time in a game!" I shouted, though everything I said was muffled because I was trapped between the ground and the goblin.
"Let me help you with that," a familiar voice said.
The goblin was pulled off of me, and I found myself staring up at a familiar face. A familiar face, I might add, that I hadn't expected to see out here. Because that familiar face was attached to Katie. Though of course she wasn't Katie here in the game. She was that brooding armored badass with a big sword who’d been drinking entirely too much in the inn.
"You don't look like shit anymore," I said.
She rolled her eyes. "You have a funny way of thanking someone for saving your life."
"Sorry," I said. "Just saying the first t
hing that came to mind."
“You’re welcome,” she said, holding her hand out. "I know that I probably don't look the best when I've been in the drink in the game. Hell, I don’t look the best when I’ve been in the drink at parties on campus.”
I pursed my lips and decided not to say anything. I didn’t get invited to those sorts of parties on campus, but now wasn’t the time to get into that. I also totally agreed with her on the whole looking like shit when she was in the drink thing, but I was going to keep my big mouth shut. She had just saved my life, after all.
I’d had my butt saved on a few occasions down on the surface by somebody who didn't exactly look the best, and I figured what someone looked like didn't really matter as long as they were nice enough to save your butt.
I looked down at the goblin. There were still little tingles of pain hitting me where it’d grabbed me, the fucker. Then I looked over to the other one that was still twitching, though it wasn’t nearly as bad now as it’d been earlier. As though it was engaged in a fight that only it could see. Considering the creepy crawly that’d buried itself inside him I guess it really was a fight that only he could see.
Though it would probably be more accurate to say it was a fight that only he could feel considering he couldn’t exactly see the millipede working its way through his body. I shivered. Gross.
"So what now?" I asked, turning away from the goblin.
"The first thing I'm going to do is put this thing out of its misery," Katie said.
I inspected her. Saw that her name in the game was Caitee.
“Caitee?” I said. “Not going for much mystery with that name, are we?”
She turned and arched an eyebrow at me. She'd pulled her sword out and looked like she was on the verge of dispatching the poor unfortunate goblin who'd gotten in a fight with that millipede thing. That arched eyebrow spoke volumes.
