by Carrie Asai
“Ain’t no time like the present for a par-tay, know what I’m saying?” I said to one of the friends.
He stared at me.
“I’m just saying…,” I said, shrugging. I looked around and spotted Dubious walking past our booth.
“Hey, Dubious! My old friend! Whatsup!”
“Heaven?” Dubious turned around, and when he saw me, he looked like he’d just unwrapped a Christmas present. “Good to see you.”
“Good to seeyou, ” I said, and actually meant it. “How’s your night going?”
“Oh, you know. Same old same old. Where’s your friend Cheryl?”
I shrugged. “Working, I think. She couldn’t make it tonight. Bad luck for her because the party has start-ed! Wooh!” I slapped my hand down on the table.
“Christ,” muttered one of the friends.
“No, Heaven,” I said.
“Are these friends of yours?” Dubious whispered, leaning toward me.
“Oh, yes,” I answered loudly. “This is—hey, what’s your name again?” I reached over the table and tugged on the arm of the guy who’d called me Christ.
“Mark,” he said shortly, and looked at his friend.
“Peter,” said the other, and then they went back to talking, ignoring me.
“Aren’t they sweet?” I asked Dubious. “These are some very nice boys.”
“Uh, Heaven—are you okay?” Dubious looked concerned.
“Okay? Of course. I’m great! Isn’t Vibe the best?” I jumped up and gave Dubious a hug.
“Um…yeah. I mean, I like it, but…”
Just then Keith came back to the table and put down my two drinks in front of me.
“And this,” I told Dubious conspiratorially, feeling kind of sneaky, “is Keith. Now,he is special.”
Dubious nodded at Keith, then crouched down next to me.
“Hey, Heaven. Maybe it’s time for you to go home.”
“What are you talking about? It’s early. Why don’t you join us?”
Dubious looked at the three guys and then back at me. “Why don’t you come back to my table?”
Keith leaned over me. “Why don’t you move along, brother? Heaven’s fine. We’re all just hanging out.”
“Aw—Dubious,” I wheedled, “why do you look so dubious? All is well, my friend. All is well….” I stroked his cheek. He was such a sweetheart. A good friend. The best.
“Are you absolutely sure you’re okay?” he asked me.
“I’m fine,” I assured him. “I’ll come visit you later. Cross my heart.”
“Okay,” Dubious said doubtfully, edging away from the table. “Be careful.”
I laughed and waved good-bye as Dubious walked away.Why so blue, Du? I thought with a giggle.
“Isn’t he a sweetie?” I asked Keith. “He’s here almost every night. A real regular. We’re pretty tight.” I leaned closer to Keith. “Like this,” I said, crossing my fingers and holding them in front of me. “Do you understand?”
Keith nodded, squeezing me even closer. “I got it. But how areyou? ”
“Excellent, thank you,” I said, downing my drink. “Let’s dance.”
“You like those, huh?” Keith asked, ignoring me. I was sandwiched between him and one of his similarly buff friends.
“Thirsty,” I said, and stared at the dancers, trying to think what else to talk about. Whatdid people talk about at a place like this? With a random guy? Possibly best to keep my mouth shut. But there was so much I wanted to say! The craziest things…like: “When I was twelve, I had a little dog. I named it Koo Koo Roo.” I giggled. None of it was true.
“What?” Keith asked, putting his hand on my thigh. Feeling good, I was feeling fine. I wanted to leave his hand there, and I did.
“Nothing—it’s just—it’s funny that I’m sitting here with you and we’ve only just met. I mean, you could be anyone. A gang member or something.” I laughed.
“A gang member?” Keith laughed, “Actually, I’m a personal trainer from San Diego. How does that sound?”
“Sounds freaking excellent to me,” I said. I didnot need to be hanging out with any gangsters, nope, nope. “Do you train celebrities?” I asked, propping my chin in my hand on the table. “I really,really want to know.”
“Some. Mostly just normal folks like you.” Keith ran his eyes over my body. “You work out a lot, don’t you?”
“Yep. Actually, I just left my trainer. So I’m in the market for another one,” I said, flexing my arm in front of Keith’s face.Who said I wasn’t a flirt? If Cheryl could see me now, she’d know I wasn’t uptight. I was the flirt master!
“Really?” Keith asked, massaging my leg. “I might be able to help.”
“You might.” I shrugged. I was aware of his hand on my thigh and the closeness of his body to mine, and it felt good. A tiny voice somewhere said,Watch out . I immediately told it to shut up.
“What kind of workouts do you do?” Keith asked.
“Martial arts. Karate. Jujitsu. Ninjitsu. Aikido. Some judo,” I bragged.
“Wow? So you could kick my ass?” Keith pulled me closer.
“Probably,” I said, and smiled. I could tell he didn’t believe me, and that just seemed hilarious. “Hi-ya!” I said, giving him a soft karate chop to the shoulder. I dissolved into laughter.
“Why don’t we go somewhere where you can show me some of your moves?” Keith said, bringing his face close to mine.
“Sounds good to me—how about one more drink?”
“You got it.”
Keith brought me my drink, and I pounded it, dancing a little in my seat. Delicious. But Keith was getting boring. I needed some action. I felt like somethingvery exciting would happen if I could only get back into the crush of the crowd, get lost in the dark corners of the club.
“I need some ak-shun,” I said, laying my head on Keith’s shoulder. “I’m getting so sleepy.”
“Is it time to go?” Keith asked, running his fingers through my hair.
“Yep,” I said, and stood up abruptly. It took a lot of effort. I edged out of the booth and banged my hip on the edge of the table—hard.
“You okay?” Keith asked. His friends had odd, smug looks on their faces.
“What are you looking at? Nothing to see here.” I tried to look elegant. “I’m fine, Keith,” I said, finding it hard to get my words out. “Which is more than I can say for yourfriends. ” My body felt mushy, and the room was spinning. Vibe effect! It was amazing what these clubs did to draw in the crowds. Keith grabbed my arm, and I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. On the way up the steps I stumbled again.
“Whoa! You’re okay. Come on.” Keith put his arm around my waist.
Suddenly a wave of nausea washed over me. I grabbed the railing and leaned my head against it. “You know what,” I said, trying to sound alert and competent, “I’m thinking this isn’t such a good idea. I’m pretty tired, so I think I’m just going to go home.”
“Come on,” Keith wheedled, trying to pull me onto my feet. “You were going to show me your moves.”
“Yes, well, maybe some other time,” I said with exaggerated politeness. The railing was so cool against my forehead. “I’ll be staying here right now. Catch you later.”
“Uh-uh, honey, we’re heading out.” Keith hauled me onto my feet, and I lolled against him.
“So tired. Maybe next time…,” I muttered, concentrating on my toes. It seemed to help.
“Let’s go, one step at a time.” I half tried to pull his arm off from around my waist, but he wouldn’t let go, and I had about as much strength left in me as a baby.
“I feel like a jellyfish,” I said, “and why would you take a jellyfish from her home in the sea?”
“You’ll feel better once we get out of here.”
“But the sea…,” I moaned.
Keith pressed up against me in the darkened stairwell. I sensed his face moving toward mine, and I turned my head. He planted a kiss somewh
ere in the neighborhood of my ear.
“I could be poisonous,” I muttered, flailing for the railing again. “You are endangering both our lives.”
“Come on. Let me take you home, then. You’re in no condition to go by yourself.” He started up the steps again, dragging me next to him.
“Really, it’s cool, Heath—”
“Keith.”
“Keith. Right. Sorry. Ummm…just get me a cab.” I felt like I was going to puke. This was wrong. All wrong.
“I’ll get you home. Don’t worry about it.” Keith pushed open the door, and I tripped out into the open, panic rising in my throat. What was I doing? I really did feel like I was floating in a deep, dark watery space. “Do jellyfish puke?” I asked as the cool night air hit me.
“You okay, Heaven?” Matt the Bouncer slid off his stool—all six feet six of him—and grabbed me under my arms right as I was about to slide to the ground.
“Matt!” Relief rushed through me. I hugged him. “You are my friend,” I said, “even if I am somewhat jellylike.”
“Are you going to be sick?” I heard Matt ask, as if from far, far away.
“Um, Heath—I mean, Keith here was just going to help me get a cab.” I clung to Matt, deeply comforted.
Matt stared at Keith. “Why don’t you go get a cab, then?”
Keith cleared his throat, stared back at Matt, then took a few steps away and whipped out his cell phone.
“Cab’s on the way,” he said after a minute.
“Well,” Matt said firmly, “I guess you got Heaven a cab. So you can go back inside now. Enjoy the rest of your night.” Matt glared at Keith.
“Yes, enjoy,” I said.
“Actually,” Keith said nervously, “Heaven and I are planning on sharing a cab.”
Matt looked at me. I shook my head. “I need to go home,” I said. “Home.”
“The lady’s going home,” Matt said, “you heard her. So why don’t you just get back in there and try again?”
Keith shot one more look at me, then one at Matt, then banged back into the club, slamming the door behind him. I shut my eyes. My head was spinning.
“Thank you,” I said to Matt. “I seem to have lost my bearings.”
“You okay?” Matt asked, grabbing my arm just as I was about to keel over again.
“Too much to drink,” I said. “I’m bad. Bad fish.”
“Happens to the best of us,” Matt said. “At least you were here, where you have people to look out for you.”
The cab pulled up. I hugged Matt again. My savior. At least I had one true friend. I knew that now. No, two. Mattand Dubious.
“You sure you’re going to be okay?” he asked. I nodded, trying to get my eyes to focus on Matt’s kind face.
“Yep. Just gotta walk up the steps to my house and I’ll be A-okay.”
Matt slammed the taxi door after me, and I waved to him as we pulled away.
I pressed my head to the cool window, feeling excruciatingly sorry for myself.I can’t even do something crazy and stupid right, I thought. I’d gone to Vibe alone to dance out my troubles, and all I’d managed to do was get drunk and end up running away fromtwo guys. I was torn between two roles, samurai girl and regular girl—neither of which I was very good at. Limbo. I couldn’t shake my past—and I sure as hell didn’t have much of a future. I was just a worthless jellyfish, floating aimlessly among the sea creatures.
I fished in my messenger bag for a tissue, thinking about how Hiro confessed to having spoken with Mieko. Now it didn’t seem so weird that he would have waited to tell me. I didn’t appreciate him handling me with kid gloves, but deep down I knew he had my safety in mind. Hadn’t he proved that again and again? But I’d become all moralistic about it—ready to pick a fight with him because fighting with him seemed better than living with the dull, aching knowledge that we could never be more than friends. When I yelled at him that day, I wasn’t really thinking about Mieko—I was thinking about Karen.
The taxicab idled at a red light. Staring out the window through my tears, I saw that we were back in Hollywood, not far from home now, and that at the corner of the intersection there was a big, clean gas station. I used to stop in there all the time on my way to the dojo to stock up on Powerbars and bottles of water.
“This is fine,” I said, hastily blowing my nose as I pulled cash out of my bag for the driver.
“You said Dawson Street,” the driver said, sounding irritated.
“Yeah, sorry. I have to run an errand.” I pressed a twenty into his hand, and waited anxiously for my change. Now that I had made a decision, I didn’t want to lose my resolve.
“You run an errand at two-thirty in the morning?” the driver asked.
I tried to think of a snappy comeback, but nothing came to me, so I just pocketed the change and hopped out, tripping on the curb. In the gas station convenience store, I bought an international calling card with enough credits for a ten-minute call to Japan.
When I got to the pay phone, a wave of nausea overcame me, and I leaned over and puked into the bushes.
Gross. After a few heaves my stomach was free of every last drop of vodka and cranberry juice. My throat burned, and I went back into the gas station for a bottle of water. This time the attendant definitely gave me the once-over. Outside, I sat on the curb and gulped the water down.
At least I could see straight now.
“The world has ceased to spin,” I said out loud. More than anything, I wanted to be home in my bed. But I had to call.
For the second time that night I thought of my mission—to clear my mind. At that moment it seemed like calling Mieko was the one thing that might help me do that. I had to know what was going on in Tokyo. I had to face the unknown, no matter how scary or how upsetting it might be.Heaven must be a strong, fighting samurai fish, I said to myself. But I didn’t find it very funny anymore.
As I dialed, I prayed Mieko would be at home. I knew that if I didn’t reach her now, I wouldn’t try again. The time was right…it would be 7:30P.M. in Tokyo.
The phone rang four, five, six times. My heart was in my throat. Or maybe I just needed to barf again. Where were all the servants?
“Moshi moshi?”My eyes welled up again as I recognized the voice of Harumi, the loyal old nanny who had taken care of Ohiko and me growing up.
“Harumi-san?” I whispered her name. For a moment there was silence, then…
“Heaven! Heaven, daughter! Where are you? What are you doing? Are you alive?” Harumi yelled her questions into the phone as though she was speaking into a loudspeaker, and it was so loud that I had to hold the receiver away from my ear. She would never accept that telephones didn’t require you to shout every word at the top of your voice. Ohiko and I had always teased her about it.
“Harumi-san, stop. I’m healthy. I’m well. I need to speak to Mieko.”
“Heaven-chan, you must come home. You must come home and be with your family.”
“My father—Konishi—is he…?” I was afraid to hear her answer, but I had to know.
“Your father still sleeps,” Harumi said shortly, “and you must come home.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “I will, Harumi-san. But not right now.” I heard Harumi click her tongue with disapproval, and I could tell by her uncharacteristic silence that she was fighting tears, which made me want to cry all the more. “I miss you,” I said softly.
“I’ll get your mother,” Harumi said, then, in a stage whisper, “please come home, Heaven-chan. It is necessary.” She laid the phone on the table with a clunk before I could respond. I held the receiver, staring at my watch. Two minutes down, then three, then four. Where was Mieko? The card was running out of time.
Then suddenly that familiar dry voice that always reminded me of lizards came on the line. “Heaven? Is that really you?” I hadn’t spoken to Mieko since just before the wedding ceremony, and hearing her voice was a shock. She sounded more forceful than I ever remembered her being. Mieko was, in g
eneral, cold and subservient. She lived a ghostlike existence in a quiet orbit around Konishi. The only life of her own she had was shallow and superficial, and she filled it with activities like shopping and ladies’ teas. I doubted she would have bothered to leave the house at all if my father hadn’t expected it of her. But now she sounded competent, strident—together. Maybe all that had happened had changed her as much as it had changed me.
“Yes, Mieko. It’s me. How are you?” As soon as I started talking, I realized I had no idea what to say. What did I hope to learn from her?
“Never mind that,” Mieko said. “Where are you?”
“I’m safe. I’m still in the States. Hiro told me that you called him.”
“Are you living with him, Heaven? Hiro would not tell me where you were. He was most impolite on the phone.”
“No, Mieko, I’m not.” I tried to imagine the conversation between Hiro and Mieko—I was pretty sure Hiro hadn’t been rude. It just wasn’t in his nature. But Mieko didn’t like being told “no” by anyone except Konishi. How much had Hiro actually said—did Mieko even know for sure that I was still in Los Angeles? If not, was it safe to let her know? “I’m in L.A.,” I blurted, deciding I had to trust someone. Besides, gauging from my run-ins with the yakuza, my whereabouts were pretty common knowledge.
“Heaven, you must come home,” Mieko said in what, for her, was a gentle voice. She even sounded anxious—could it be that she realized, for once, how important what was left of her family (i.e.,me ) was to her?
“I can’t, Mieko. It’s not safe. There are still people trying to harm me. I might endanger you and Konishi if I return.”
“Your father is doing better, Heaven. We think that he will be coming out of his long sleep soon.”
“Really?” I asked, surprised that Harumi hadn’t mentioned that before. “Is that what the doctors say?”
“Yes. They are confident that he will awaken in the next week or two. You must be here, Heaven. It will help him to recover when he hears your voice and knows that you are safe. You know how he loves you. You will give him the strength to fight.”
