by May, W. J.
“JULES!” Angel shouted, shoving him aside so she could examine her brother.
Julian was staring down with complete indifference, watching Gabriel bleed through his shirt and onto the table. As Angel knelt down beside him, gently lifting the fabric so she could get a better look at what was going on, Julian’s eyes lifted and locked onto Rae’s.
It was as though he’d punched her too. She flinched at the disappointment and righteous anger there, wishing he had used his fists instead. It would have hurt less.
HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN?!
“Go,” he commanded, so quiet that only she could hear, “go fix this. NOW!”
It was as if she’d unfrozen. All at once a flood of blood and adrenaline rushed back through her limbs, and she pulled herself up from the table in one smooth movement. She was out the door the next second, hearing the aftermath of her little disaster as she headed for the stairs.
“Julian, you get away from him!” Angel was yelling. “Don’t make me freeze you!”
Thank goodness they owned the entire top floor and didn’t have any neighbors. Or, if they did, Rae didn’t know any of them. Still, at this rate perhaps it would be wise to purchase the floor below as well.
Although they were living countless levels up, Rae knew it would still be quicker for her to take the stairs than the elevator. She switched into Jennifer’s leopard and flew down story after story at a speed so fast she knew even the security cameras couldn’t detect it.
If she could just make it to the park, she thought there was a chance she could still catch him before he made it home to his car. At that point there was no telling where he might go.
He would be too responsible to use his tatù out in the open, no matter how he was feeling, and therein laid her only possible advantage. She was not so responsible, and would risk that and more to get him back. Then again, judging by the look on his face before he left, maybe he wasn’t feeling all that responsible either…
Her eyes filled with burning, guilty tears as the image flashed through her mind: Devon standing with his hand frozen in the air, a look of complete surprise paling his handsome face.
“You and Gabriel?”
She’d never seen him look so lost, so betrayed, so hurt all at once. Not since his father had thrown him out of Guilder and disowned him—and even then—it wasn’t as bad as this.
A shudder ran through her body as she recalled the second half of that image.
As devastated as he’d looked when he first heard, just a split second later he was completely unreachable to her. Walled up and cold. Indifferent and numb. He’d removed himself to a place she couldn’t follow. Safe-guarding what was left of his feelings.
And no matter what she did, or what ended up happening, she had a sinking feeling that unless she got to him soon there was a chance he could be lost to her forever.
She pushed herself even harder, leaping down the remaining five stories and throwing her body against the door to the lobby. It was here that she came to an infuriating pause, smoothing down her hair and walking slowly past Raphael, the long-suffering lobby attendant, as she made her way to the front door.
“Evening, Raph,” she said politely, trying to catch her breath.
“Evening, Miss Kerrigan,” he said, delighted to have someone to converse with. “Hey,” he got excitedly to his feet, “you didn’t happen to catch that last episode of—”
“Sorry, Raph,” she held up her hand and speed-walked to the door, “can’t talk!”
She pushed open the door and raced out onto the sidewalk. The frigid night air bit into her skin, scantily-covered by her hastily conjured dress. On any other day she would have conjured herself a thick jacket, but tonight there was no time.
After glancing around quickly to make sure that no one remained the wiser, she switched once more into Jennifer’s ink and took off, darting this way and that between the trees.
I’ll just explain everything, she thought as she ran. I’ll just be perfectly honest and explain everything from the very beginning. After all, nothing even happened!
But for the first time ever another little voice popped up in the back of her head, splintered off from the first. A soft but determined voice of dissent.
…nothing even happened—besides that kiss.
I can explain the kiss too. I was in shock. I didn’t realize what was happening until—
…until you kissed him back?
I didn’t MEAN to kiss him back. I just…it just happened!
…but you’d thought about doing it before. A part of you wanted to—
Shut up! That’s not true!
One hand flew up to her head as if to knock the warring side loose.
…you know it’s true. There’s no law that says you can’t love two people at the same time—
I’m in LOVE with Devon. I WANT Devon!
…but you want Gabriel too.
WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON, ANYWAY?!
The ground flew out from under her feet as she knocked into something hard.
“Ouch,” she gasped, blinking to recover herself as two arms held her straight. Then her face paled in horror. At that speed, she could have seriously hurt whoever she barreled into. She looked up in a fright. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t—”
It was Devon.
He was holding her steady, looking down without a hint of emotion or reprieve. The second she was standing straight, he let her go, taking a step away.
“You shouldn’t use your tatù out in public. You know better.”
Rae panted softly, still trying to catch her breath. The two voices in her head were dead-quiet now—both waiting to see what would happen next.
“I know. I just…had to find you.”
He put his hands in his pockets, still staring down at her with that cool indifference she didn’t quite know what to make of. “You found me.”
Ball in your court, Rae.
“Uh…right.”
She glanced down at her feet, searching for the magical words that would make this all better, that would make this all just go away. But as she stared back up into his eyes, his lovely, guarded eyes, she came up blank.
Finally, he shifted impatiently and glanced over her head at the darkened trees. “Let me help you. ‘I hooked up with Gabriel, Devon. It’s over between us.’’
“But I didn’t hook up with Gabriel,” she whispered, struggling to breathe against a sudden heavy weight pressing down on her heart. “And it’s not…it can’t be over between us…”
For the first time, Devon showed a hint of life. Just a hint.
“You didn’t hook up with him?”
Rae took a shaky breath and pulled herself together, determined to get everything out in the open, no matter how painful it might be. “Victor Mallins showed up right after you left yesterday morning. He took me out to lunch and basically said that no matter what the Privy Council might have voted, both he and I still knew I was a walking, talking, ticking time-bomb. A constant threat to everyone around me. When I got back, I kind of had a meltdown. Gabriel was there, and he…he took care of me. That’s it. He talked it out with me while I cried.” Her eyes flickered up to see how Devon was taking all of this, but he gave absolutely nothing away.
He just stared at her with that same poker-face.
“We were in Molly’s room because I shocked him halfway across the apartment. And we weren’t naked, we were in towels. He’d been taking a shower, and I’d slipped in my dessert and got it all over me so I had to change.” Even as she said it out loud she realized how stupid it must sound.
Devon seemed to think so too. He was quiet for a long time before he finally asked, “Why did you shock him halfway across the apartment?”
She braced herself, every inch of her dreading what was coming next.
“Because he kissed me.”
Devon’s eyes flickered up and he looked her hard in the eyes—as hard as he ever had.
“He kissed you?”
&
nbsp; A little shiver ran through her body as she placed her final card on the table. “We… kissed.”
His mask slipped for just a split second and she saw his heart shatter a million times behind his careful eyes. Without stopping to think, she reached for him.
“Devon, I—”
For possibly the first time ever, he pulled away, like her touch burned him. He moved backwards a few steps, gathering himself together, before doing the scariest thing of all.
He laughed. “Of course you did.”
Rae froze where she stood, one hand still reaching for him. “What do…what does that mean?” She was almost too frightened to ask, but had to.
“A guy shows up, working for the man who’s ruining our lives, undermining everything we’re working so hard to save. He wants to kill you, only deciding at the last minute to spare your life. He insults your friends, insults your boyfriend, insults you by not respecting what you said you wanted…”
What you said you wanted. The emphasis was not lost on Rae.
The corners of Devon’s lips turned up in a hard, almost manic smile. “…so of course, you, Rae Kerrigan, do the only thing that makes sense. You kiss him.”
In all her life Devon had never said her name like that. Never said it in the way that every other person she had ever met had slipped into at one point or another. He’d always held them separate, her and her name. Never blamed one on the other. Until today.
But she couldn’t have done anything more to deserve it.
A rush of tears slipped down her cheeks and she slowly lowered her hand. “Devon, I’m so sorry.” It was little more than a whisper, but after tonight they both knew he could still hear it.
It had no effect on him, though. He simply stood there, lost in his own thoughts as the smile slowly faded off his face. “I don’t know why…” He ran his hands back through his hair with a sigh, “I don’t know why I thought anything would be different.”
Rae lurched forward, latching onto anything and everything she could. “I’m sorry; you didn’t know how—”
“This was exactly the talk we had before we left Scotland. The talk where I said we needed space and you swore to me it had nothing to do with Gabriel.” Upon saying the name, his face clouded again before he willfully forced it to be clear. “I don’t know why I thought that anything would be different now that we’re back in London.”
“Devon, that day in Scotland, when I was headed back downstairs—I turned around,” Rae muttered quickly but quietly, praying for him to believe her and understand. “I realized what a huge mistake it was for us to take a step apart, instead of moving forward together, and I turned around. I was racing to your room to tell you that. That’s how I found you so fast after Kraigan…”
“And what were you going to tell me, exactly?” Devon asked, closing the space between them as he stared down at her. “That you were absolutely sure of where you and I stood? That you were one hundred percent ready to dive into this second chance we’d been given?” His eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly. “That this had nothing to do with Gabriel?”
Rae sobbed once before catching herself, her shoulders buckling as her face fell. “Yes, that’s exactly what I was going to tell you.”
Devon sighed again, reaching out in spite of himself to wipe a tear from her cheek. “Why did you kiss him?”
I didn’t know what I was doing. It happened before I could stop myself. I’d never do it again in a million—
“Because a part of me wanted to,” she whispered. “I saw how he felt about me, when I used Carter’s tatù. I…I saw how he felt. And I don’t feel that way about him, but…I think a part of me wanted to.”
Devon’s jaw tightened and he dropped his hand. “Because he isn’t me?”
“Because there isn’t anything to him.”
The second Rae said the words, she realized they were true. That magical phrase that had been escaping her—the simple explanation to explain her nightmarishly jumbled feelings as of late—that’s exactly what it was.
Devon shook his head. “I don’t know what that means.”
“He isn’t you, Devon,” Rae said softly, trying her best to explain. “He isn’t humble and kind. He isn’t dependable and sure. He hasn’t seen me through the darkest moments of my life, so when he looks at me…the weight of that isn’t there behind his eyes.” She reached again for his hands, and this time he allowed her to take them. “He doesn’t love me unconditionally, Devon. And I don’t love him that way. He’s just simple, easy, unpredictable.” The last word slipped out before she could stop it. “Free.”
Devon’s hands stiffened. “And that’s what you want? To be free?”
She shook her head wildly from side to side. “No! I want to be with you! I want to be with you forever—through everything! No matter what it takes, I want to carve out a future with you and make everything trying to stop that from happening fall on its knees and watch.” She took a step closer to him, tilting her face up to his. “I want you, Devon. I always have, I always will.”
For a moment he looked tempted. In fact, he looked so lured that for a split second he actually started leaning down.
But then his eyes tightened and he pulled away.
“But I can’t believe you. I can’t trust you.”
The weight that had been slowly crushing her heart finished the job.
She blinked, suddenly chilled in the rush of cool air that filled the space between them.
“What? Of course you—”
“Rae, I can’t be those things for you,” he said matter-of-factly. “I can’t love you less. I can’t un-see what I’ve seen. I can’t erase the weight of the history we have between us.” He shook his head sadly, gazing at her like there was nothing more in the world he wanted to do than lift her up into his arms, but a weight of his own wasn’t letting him. “I think that’s what makes us so strong. This isn’t something light and meaningless than can blow away at the first sign of trouble. This isn’t something uncertain. You can count on this. You can trust it. I’d trust it with my life.” He took a step back, still shaking his head. “But if you feel like it’s a weight holding you back…”
“Devon,” Rae blurted, seeing the sudden direction this was taking, “please don’t leave. I can’t…I can’t believe this is happening right now.” She sank into a crouch and ran her fingers back through her hair, muttering almost to herself, “How did I let this happen?”
He paused at the end of the clearing, watching her fall apart.
“I am so, so sorry,” she wept. “I never meant to hurt you—I would never do anything to hurt you. I want you with all my heart, I’m just trying to be—” Her throat choked up as she sobbed once more. “Devon, I’m so sorry I kissed him!”
“Hey…”
A pair of strong arms lifted her to her feet once more. He held her until she was finally able to stop crying. Not cradled against himself like he usually would, just secure and strong.
She realized with a shudder it was the way he would hold a friend.
“It’s not that you kissed him,” he murmured. She looked up in alarm, and he was quick to clarify. “Don’t get me wrong, I can’t believe you—” He took a deep breath and tried to steady himself. “It’s how you felt when you did. It wasn’t some accident, some passing attraction. Truth be told, I’m not even sure it was Gabriel himself. There’s something about us you’re not sure about. And that…I can’t help you with. That’s something you have to figure out on your own.”
“Devon,” she grasped fistfuls of his coat, refusing to let him pull away, “I am absolutely sure about you. I’m sure that—”
“But you’re not sure about us,” he said softly. “Be honest with yourself, Rae.”
She fell silent. The problem with Devon was that before he was her boyfriend he was her friend. He knew her well. Sometimes even better than she knew herself.
“I can’t stop loving you,” he continued in that same, gentle voice. “You’re it for m
e. That’s never going to change. But right now…I think you need some time. To sort things through.”
She shook her head, feeling like she was melting away from the inside out. “I don’t want that.”
“But you need to.”
“So that’s it?” The words caught in her throat as she lifted her eyes to his, unwilling to believe they could be true. “You’re breaking up with me?”
“No, Rae.” He flashed a sad smile before disappearing into the night. “You broke up with me.”
Chapter 14
Rae didn’t remember the walk back through the park that night. She had no idea how she got home. From the minute she and Devon parted ways, each heading in a separate direction, it was as if she went into some sort of fugue state—completely unaware of the world around her. Like when she had found out she was immortal.
She vaguely remembered pushing open the doors to the lobby. It was late, after one in the morning, but that didn’t stop loyal Raphael from leaping to his feet the second he saw her.
“Miss Kerrigan!” he cried, rushing forward. “I’m so glad I caught you. I was trying to tell you earlier but—”
“Not now, Raph,” she kept one foot moving in front of the other, eyes locked on the elevator at the end of the hall. “We’ll talk in the morning, okay?”
“But Miss Kerrigan—”
“Raph, it’s not a good—”
“Your boyfriend wanted me to give you this!” He waved his arm between them and it was only then that Rae realized he was holding something in his hands.
It was a key. A little silver key with no note or explanation.
Rae’s heart skipped a beat as she picked it up with trembling fingers. She’d only given a key to one other person.
“Mr. Wardell left it for you at the front desk when he left earlier this evening,” Raphael said a little nervously, eyeing Rae’s face with obvious concern. “He said you’d know why.”
So that was it, huh? Devon had known what was going to happen before she even met up with him in the park. Before they’d even ended things officially, he had known it was over.
