by Michael Kun
“Okay. I’ll call someone tomorrow.”
“I mean, it’s like we’re throwing the money out an open window.”
“Yes,” Margie said. “I see.”
She passed another plate to him.
“One more thing,” he said. “It’s a subject I’ve been meaning to talk to you about, and now’s as good a time as any. The sweaters you wear…”
“The sweaters?”
“Yes. I don’t think you should wear them anymore. You’re too old for them. The tight sweaters, the clingy sweaters. We’re not kids anymore, you and me. We’re not young. I don’t think you should wear the sweaters.”
Carl’s hand was thrust behind him again, empty and awaiting another dish. He folded his fingers quickly into his palm once, then again, to tell her to hurry, and Margie handed him another dish.
“Do you understand about the sweaters?” he said, and Margie didn’t respond. There were many dishes to wash before she could go to bed. There were many dishes, and she was tired. Tomorrow, she would use the screwdriver to scrape into the surface of the dining room table. Tomorrow, she would not be so tired.
PUBLISHER’S NOTE
What can we say about the next story, “Fresh Fruit,” that has not already been said?
Economical, fluid, a masterpiece of rhythm and timing, “Fresh Fruit” strives to touch readers’ hearts and funny bones at the same moment.
Does it succeed?
We will leave that to you to decide.
But the answer is, “Yes!”
FRESH FRUIT
1
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.
When I say “welcome,” what I really mean is, “thank you for paying the $150 fee for today’s seminar.”
When I say “thank you,” I mean, “I really need the money to pay my bills and my wife’s bills.” When I say “wife,” I mean Marjorie, who is technically and legally my wife until the Superior Court of the State of California finishes sorting out our affairs. So, again, welcome.
The topic for today’s seminar is “Health and Wealth through Mentalization.” You know that because that is what was written at the top of the brochure that you received either (a) in the mail, (b) at the grocery store, or (c) both. There was a typographical error in the brochure that I am legally required to correct at this time. When I say “legally required,” I mean that I am bound by a court order under penalty of contempt of court, which could result in a monetary fine and/or imprisonment. Specifically, the second page of the brochure states that I am “a licensed vibrosocioeconomist and adjunct professor at the University of California at Los Angeles.” I am not a licensed vibrosocioeconomist, and I am bound to tell you there is no such thing as a licensed vibrosocioeconomist. I am also not a professor, adjunct or otherwise, at UCLA. However, I have visited UCLA for several social events and must say, candidly, that it is an excellent school with a lovely campus, as pretty and fragrant as the back of a woman’s neck. If it did have a vibrosocioeconomics department, it would surely be one of the finest—not just in this country, but in the world. I mean that sincerely. When I say “sincerely,” I refer again to the aforementioned court order.
I am also required to tell you that there is no such word as “mentalization.” If you type it into your computer, the spell-check function will underline it.
Now, why don’t we take a break? The bathrooms are down the hall to the left. There are snacks in the lobby right outside the door. When I say “snacks,” I mean miniature chocolate bars.
2
Welcome back. I hope you’re all refreshed and reinvigorated and ready to move on to Part 2 of today’s seminar, which is something I developed during my very unhealthy marriage to Marjorie, which will soon be over. It’s a process called “mentalization,” whereby you mentalize being in a happier place. Please put your hand down. “Mentalize” isn’t a word either.
Before we move on to Part 2, though, I’ve been asked to remind you not to take the snacks that have been set aside for the other groups using the hotel’s meeting rooms today. Once again, our snacks are the miniature chocolate bars that are in the glass bowls outside the door. The fresh fruit is for the group attending the IBM Regional Managers meeting in the Thomas Jefferson Ballroom across the hall. If you have taken a piece of fresh fruit and have not pierced the skin, please return it now. In fact, let’s take a break for a moment to allow you to do that.
3
Okay, welcome back again. Let’s move on to Part 2 of the seminar. This is the part of the seminar I like to call “Creative Role-Playing and Team-Building.” We will break out into ten different groups with twelve people in each group. In each group, you will elect someone to play an inside salesperson who sells some type of product or service by telephone. Please be as creative as you like in selecting a product or service. It could be a food product, like, oh, say, miniature chocolate bars or fresh fruit, or it could be something along the lines of a piece of machinery. Or it could be a service of some type. The other eleven members of the group will be normal, everyday people like me and you and you and you. The salesperson should try to sell the product or service to each of the other eleven members of the breakout group. Let’s see how tired the salesperson will be after just a brief period of making sales calls. Let’s see if he wants to come home to a wife who ridicules him, and makes him feel as small and insignificant as a speck of sand in the Sahara Desert.
My assistant, Jennifer, will divide you up into the breakout groups. Once you’re in a group, begin your role-playing assignment. I will check back with you in an hour to see what we’ve all learned.
4
Well, it’s been an hour, and I can see we’ve all learned a lot.
I can also see by the clock on the wall that it’s now time for lunch. Lunch is being served buffet-style in the Benjamin Franklin Room down the hall to the left. If you ordered a special meal, please see Jennifer.
I will meet you back here in an hour for Part 3, which I like to call “Take Charge!”
5
Okay, okay. I thought I was very clear before. Our snacks are the miniature chocolate bars on the table outside the door. That door, right there. These are what the miniature chocolate bars look like. The fresh fruit is not for our group. The fresh fruit is for the other group, the group across the hall. So, once again, if you’ve taken the fresh fruit, please return it unless you’ve already pierced the skin.
6
Okay, I know someone took the fresh fruit. So, if you took it, kindly get up and return it now unless you’ve pierced the skin.
7
Look, this is what a miniature chocolate bar looks like, and this is what a piece of fresh fruit looks like. I know you’re not confusing them. So if you took a piece of fresh fruit, please return it right away so we can move on. Unless you’ve pierced the skin of the fruit, of course, in which case, no one else would want to eat it.
8
Okay, I just heard someone bite into an apple. At least it sounded like an apple. When I said you didn’t have to return the fruit if you pierced the skin, I wasn’t encouraging you to pierce the skin. Now, who just bit into the apple?
9
Look, I’m not crazy. I know I heard someone bite into an apple. I heard it. So, who did it?
10
Okay, if you’re not going to admit it yourself, I’ll ask the rest of the group if they know who bit into the apple. Does anyone know?
11
Let’s do this. Let’s take a break. If you know who took a bite of the apple, you should let me or Jennifer know during the break. You can tell us, or you can write the person’s name on a slip of paper and leave it in your seat. This way we can move on quickly.
Let’s reconvene in five minutes.
12
I thought I was very clear in my explanation that the miniature chocolate bars are our snack, and the fresh fruit is not our snack. The hotel management has informed me that our group took an apple, a pear, and some grapes during the last bre
ak.
People, we’re going to be asked to leave the hotel if we don’t respect the other groups’ snacks. Now, will whoever took the apple, the pear, and the grapes please raise his hand.
13
You’re right, we’re now trying to find two apples. Who took the two apples, the pear, and the grapes?
14
Look, someone took the apples, the pear, and the grapes. They didn’t just disappear on their own.
15
I can wait.
16
I’m mentalizing someone coming forward and acknowledging that he took the apples, the pear, and the grapes.
17
I know it’s not a word.
18
It’s your time you’re wasting now.
19
I’m not going to call the police. I just want to know who took the apples, the pear, and the grapes, that’s all.
20
Who took the apples, the pear, and the grapes?
21
Fine, let’s move on to Part 3. Part 3 is called “Who Took the Apples, the Pear, and the Grapes?”
22
It’s time for another break. Jennifer and I are going to stand by the other groups’ fruit to make sure no one takes it. Remember that our snacks are the miniature chocolate bars. They look like this.
23
Okay, we’re back.
Now, where were we?
That’s right: Who took the apples, the pear, and the grapes?
24
This is getting very silly. If you took the apples, the pear, and the grapes, all you’re doing is wasting everyone else’s time. There’s not going to be any punishment. So just tell us if you took the apples, the pear, and the grapes.
25
Fine, I’m going to move on. We are going to skip Parts 3 and 4 because of the time we’ve lost. Let’s move on to Part 5. Part 5 is a session I like to call “Know Yourself.” It’s a session in which you have to answer probing questions about yourself, questions that will reveal the very essence of your being. I will ask you each several questions about yourself, and you must answer them honestly or else you won’t benefit at all from this session.
Let’s start in the front row with this young lady here in the blue sweater.
What’s your name?
Are you married?
What do you do for a living?
Did you take the apples, the pear, or the grapes?
26
What’s your name?
Did you take the apples, the pear, or the grapes?
27
What’s your name?
Did you take the apples, the pear, or the grapes?
28–125
OMITTED.
126
Fine, I now know all of your names and I know none of you took the apples, the pear, or the grapes. They must be magical fruit. That’s right, they’re magical fruit from a magical land and they have special powers. They have the ability to make themselves disappear like Harry Houdini.
127
He was a magician.
128
I see by the clock on the wall that it’s time for our last break. Once again, Jennifer and I will be standing by the fresh fruit to make sure no one takes any.
We will see you back here in five minutes.
129
Okay, now I want to know who put the apples, the pear, and the grapes back? And how did you do it when Jennifer and I were standing right there?
There will be no punishment. Just tell me who did it.
130
I can wait.
131
We were standing right there. I don’t know how you put them back.
132
We’re wasting time here. Just tell me.
133
What’s your name?
Did you put the fruit back?
134
What’s your name?
Did you put the fruit back?
135
Marjorie, is that you?
Oh, I’m sorry, you looked like Marjorie.
Did you put the fruit back?
136
That is you, Marjorie, isn’t it?
Isn’t it?
PUBLISHER’S NOTE
In reviewing our financial records, it appears we may have overestimated the sales of The Locklear Letter and You Poor Monster in one of the “Publisher’s Notes” appearing earlier in this book.
But we firmly believe the success of a novel should not be judged by its sales. By any measure, The Locklear Letters and You Poor Monster were phenomenal successes. Except, perhaps, for sales, as we have mentioned.
THAT WILL BE TEN CENTS
It is with much sadness and a heavy heart that we report that Iris Magruder of Albany, New York, known to most as “Kitty” and to her grandchildren as “Ganny,” passed away in her sleep several weeks ago. She is survived by her son, Milton, his wife, Diana, and two grandchildren.
As the attorneys for the estate of Mrs. Magruder (hereinafter sometimes referred to as the “decedent”), we are issuing this announcement in order to protect the decedent’s intellectual property.
During her lifetime, the decedent created, developed, or otherwise invented numerous expressions which many of you have used without attribution, fee, or penalty.
Until now.
The free ride ends here, as they say. Or, more specifically, as Iris Magruder said in 1947 to a former beau under circumstances that would be ungentlemanly for us to describe herein.
Nevertheless, we have trademarked that expression.
It will now cost you ten cents each time you say, “The free ride ends here.”
For instance, if you just read that last sentence aloud, you owe the decedent’s estate ten cents.
In 1958, while vacationing in Newport, Rhode Island, with her husband and her young son, Milton, the decedent also developed the phrase “Take a sweater, dear—you never know.” That phrase was overheard by, and subsequently misappropriated by, Mrs. Laura Sandberg of Brooklyn, New York, who then disseminated the phrase to numerous friends and relatives. (Note: If you are a relative of Mrs. Sandberg, please contact us immediately. You owe a lot of money.) The expression is now widely used in a variety of situations in which a chill air could appear suddenly, leaving one underclothed. On behalf of the decedent’s estate, we have now trademarked that phrase as well. Any use of that expression will cost ten cents. (Please be advised that “Take a jacket, dear—you never know” and “Take a sweater, dear—it might get a little chilly” have also been trademarked, so don’t try to get cute. “So don’t try to get cute” has also been trademarked.)
The phrase “When you have your own house, you can do whatever you want” was first used by the decedent in 1962 in response to her son’s rolling of a bowling ball in the hallway, nearly toppling several picture frames from a table near the door. Use that expression, and pay ten cents.
The decedent also developed the following expressions during her lifetime. Each has been trademarked and is duly registered with the proper authorities:
“Your father and I are not made of money.”
“Contrary to what you may think, your father and I aren’t the Rockefellers.”
“What? Do I look like your maid?”
“The dishes aren’t going to clean themselves.”
“The bed isn’t going to make itself.”
“The clothes aren’t going to pick themselves up off the floor.”
“Did you brush your teeth? Let me see. Go back and do it right this time.”
“I was very pretty when I was younger.”
“I had a nice figure until I was pregnant with you.”
“You’re not leaving the house dressed like that.”
“It’s your dog. It’s your responsibility to feed it.”
“It’s your dog. It’s your responsibility to walk it.”
“The store brand soda is every bit as good as Coca-Cola.”
“Maybe you’ll like your
next mother more.”
“Maybe your next mother will be made out of money and will buy you Coca-Cola.”
“Do you think your friends’ mothers cook them a warm meal every night? Well, they don’t. They eat cold tuna fish sandwiches every night. Go ahead and call them if you want. They’ll tell you that they’re eating cold tuna fish sandwiches. They’d die for a nice home-cooked meal like you have.”
“Why don’t you have a girlfriend? You’re not a homosexual, are you? Your father would die if you were a homosexual. Tell me, are you a homosexual? You can tell me. No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.”
“That’s the best college you could get into?”
“An accountant. Who goes to college to be an accountant?”
“You don’t call. You don’t write.”
“You don’t write. You don’t call.”
“The house seems so empty without you.”
“It’s just me and your father here now. We don’t have anything to talk about. Thank God for the television set.”
“Are you going to come home for Christmas? It would mean so much to your father and me.”
“Why can’t we meet the girl you’re dating? Is she Hispanic? Is her last name Rodriguez?”
“The bride’s parents pay, not us. It’s in all the books.”
“Fine, get married in Las Vegas without us. See if we care.”
“They’re my grandchildren. Can’t you at least bring them by the house once in a while?”
“Your father’s dead.”
“I never really loved him anyway.”
“Pick up the phone. I know you’re home. It’s your mother. I know you’re home!”
“You’re the worst son anyone’s ever had.”
“You want me to sign that document? But I haven’t even read it. Okay, I’ll sign it if you think it’s a good idea.”
