by Erika Kelly
“Oh, I know. Which is why you should’ve told us right away. So you didn’t have to handle it alone.”
“I’m sitting here with you right now.”
“Because I flew in from New York. But let’s not pretend this is the one and only time you’ve kept things to yourself. How about the fact that you didn’t tell us you were pregnant for five months. Five. I couldn’t have kept a secret like that for five minutes let alone months. Or the fact that you didn’t let us help you with anything for the first year of Posie’s life.”
“You guys helped plenty. I couldn’t have gotten through it by myself.”
“I offered to give you a loan for the shop, and you said no.”
Okay, now she wasn’t being fair. “I was trying not to be a burden on you.”
“Hon, I’m your damn sister. If I had one thin dime left to my name, I’d give you five cents.”
Fighting back tears, she looked down at her lap.
“Wouldn’t you do the same for any of us?”
Her head snapped up. “Yes.” She said it so fiercely, the couple at the table next to them looked over.
“Then, why won’t you let us be there for you?”
“Because you’re busy…you’ve got more important things to worry about than me.”
“Remember that night in Vegas? I didn’t even know you and Keith had broken up.”
“It was your special night.”
“What was so special about it? It was, like, the hundredth night in a row I’d performed with the Lollipops on our American tour. The only thing that made it special was that my sister and friends came to party with me. You think I’d rather dance than comfort my sister?”
“You were the lead singer of the Lollipops. How selfish would I have been to go on and on about my stupid boyfriend problems?”
“Oh, my God.” She tipped her head back, blowing out a breath. “Okay, I think I’m starting to understand something. If you’d talked to me that night, I could’ve given my sister support and love and maybe even some advice. I could’ve helped you through a really crappy time. But I didn’t get to do that.”
“I never thought about it like that.”
“So, maybe it’s not so much that you choose safe men, but that you don’t let them help you. You’re so self-contained, they don’t feel necessary.”
Was that true? Did she do that?
Yeah. She totally did. And it made so much sense. “After we graduated, Keith went home. We divided up a list of things that needed to get done to launch our business, but I kept sending him links—for toys, furniture, insurance, licenses. I did everything myself. With Ethan, it didn’t seem fair to burden him with parenting, so I didn’t let him help.” How many times had he offered to take Posie to school, when she had a morning meeting? She’d always said she was fine.
She’d thought self-reliance was a good thing—but she could see she’d used it to keep people out.
Why, though?
“I think that’s part of it,” Gigi said. “But I’m not really talking about financial or physical things. I’m talking about letting them give you emotional support. People need to be needed. It makes them feel important, like they matter to you. And, even more, it makes you closer. If you handle everything yourself…it’s probably pretty easy to ghost you.”
Her sister was right, and it made her feel lost…untethered.
“Does any of that ring true?” Gigi asked.
“All of it does. And it scares me.”
“Because?”
“Because I’m going to wind up alone.”
“Oh, honey, no, you’re not. This is the first time you’ve let me in like this. You really talked to me…and look. You had a breakthrough. And now you have to let Beckett in. If he’s your person, you have to open up. Let him be there for you.” Gigi leaned in. “If he’s The One, then you’ve got to give it everything you have. You just have to.”
Coco had gone off to meet her sister for coffee, leaving him alone with Posie.
Which was great. He wanted that. It was just…he didn’t have the ease with her yet that Tyler Cavanaugh had. He didn’t talk to her the way Will talked to Ruby, like she was his heart. For Beckett, it still felt awkward, uncomfortable.
Very much how it felt his first few months at the academy. He’d been an outsider—and not just because they’d already formed their cliques, but because they had social and life skills he’d never learned. When he’d first gotten there, he could remember standing in the bathroom, watching the guys get ready for bed. He’d felt like an alien dropped into a strange world, as they showered, brushed their teeth, flossed—all habits his parents hadn’t taken the time to teach him.
He couldn’t say he’d felt embarrassed—he hadn’t know anyone. Mostly, he’d felt like he didn’t fit in. He’d wound up just doing his own thing. It hadn’t much mattered, since the bulk of his time revolved around training and competing anyway.
But this is different.
Because he wanted Posie to like him.
In preparation, he’d gone to the toy store on his way home from coaching and bought a set of large Lego blocks—the same ones Ruby had liked so much. Only, Posie didn’t have even the slightest interest in them.
As soon as the front door had closed, Poise ran into her mom’s closet and rooted around through a drawer. She’d pulled out a little container of glitter and asked him to put it on her cheeks and eyelids.
He sure as hell wasn’t going to put anything around her eyes, but he’d made her happy by dabbing some of the sticky stuff in a circle around her wrists, like bracelets. Then, she’d strapped on her fairy wings and went flying around the house. For the first fifteen minutes, he’d tried to find a way to play with her, but she didn’t need him. She’d just kept flying around, talking to herself.
Now, thirty-five minutes into his hour of Child Watch, she was on the floor of her bedroom playing with her fairy dolls. He sat with her, wondering if he was supposed to insert himself or what. His phone had been blowing up, and he hoped like hell it wasn’t Jimmy with a problem—because he needed this situation to work out—but he’d have to check his messages later. He would never be like his mom, distracted and disinterested.
Weirdly, as much as he’d wanted to run with the bulls, he found himself far more fascinated with watching his daughter struggle to put a dress on a plastic doll.
In frustration, Posie thrust it at him. “You do it.”
Finally, my moment to shine. “Sure.” His big fingers had a hard time gripping the thin fabric, but he managed to yank it over the doll’s hips. Cool. Almost done. Now, he just had to get the arms into the sleeves…yeah, not a fucking chance. Was the dress even made for this doll?
Why’s it so tight?
Shouldn’t the arms bend?
Fuck.
The dress didn’t fit. No way.
And why was he getting worked up over this?
Because it’s important. His daughter needed him, and he didn’t want to fail. He had to get this right.
He pulled the top part of the dress out as far as it could go without ripping it and stabbed the hand into the sleeve. The fingers got caught up in the fabric, though, and he couldn’t make it work.
If he bent the arm anymore, it might snap. Not gonna try. Are you kidding? And be remembered as the asshole who broke her doll? Nope. He’d figure it out and be her hero.
That’s what I want. The truth resonated deep within.
I want to be this little girl’s hero.
He stopped stretching and tugging and gave the matter some thought.
And then it struck him. He yanked the dress off, slid it over the doll’s head, and jammed the arms right into the holes.
See? Just calm down, and you’ll figure this shit out.
He Velcroed the back of the dress closed. Not a chance in hell could his fingers get that little elastic loop around the tiny button, so he handed it back and hoped Posie wouldn’t notice.
But she didn’t t
ake it. She was involved in setting up some kind of camper and picnic table thing.
He shook the doll. Here.
But she ignored him.
He couldn’t believe it. While he’d broken out in a sweat over the damn dress, she’d moved onto something else. He set it down, leaned back against the bed, and closed his eyes. It had been easy with Ari. She’d have spent her every waking moment following him around. She’d adored him.
But his daughter wasn’t impressed. She barely knew him. So, he’d have to try harder.
“She has to go potty.” Posie held a doll out to him.
He took it. Challenge accepted. Except…how did he handle this one? Did he bend her at the waist and make peeing sounds? Or did he literally take her to the toilet? “Okay. Let’s do this.” He got up and took the doll to the bathroom. Pulling out his phone, he started to call his dad—but what did his dad know about playing with a child? Neither of his parents had done the kid thing.
Then, he thought of Will.
Will would get it. He found his friend’s contact and called, stressed because he had to get back out there but really needing some advice. The phone rang a couple of times. Come on, man. Answer.
“Beckett?”
“Hey.” Relieved, he glanced out the doorway to see if Posie was listening. Nope. Totally absorbed in her play.
“What’s up?”
“I have to babysit, so I went to the store—”
“I’m going to interrupt you right there. Is she your daughter?”
“Yes, I told you—”
“Then, don’t call it babysitting. It implies you’re doing the mother a favor. You’re not. You’re taking care of your daughter. Might not sound meaningful but trust me, it is. So, go ahead. You went to the store?”
“Actually, that’s a good point. Thank you for that.” See? Already he’d gotten good information. “Yeah, so, I bought those blocks you had for Ruby, but Posie hasn’t even looked at them. I got her a bunch of puzzles, because the clerk said five-year-olds were into them. I bought some cool Nerf guns, thought we could run around the house and shoot each other.” He and Ari had done that countless times. They’d both loved it. “But she’s not into any of it. She just wants to play with her dolls.” He peered out again—it was like she hadn’t even noticed he’d left the room.
Will chuckled. “I’m guessing this is your first time alone with her?”
“Yes. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. She’s not interacting with me.”
“You pictured building blanket forts and playing hide-and-go-seek?”
“I don’t know that I pictured anything, but I figured she’d want my attention.” Ari always had. “Am I supposed to play dolls with her?”
“Ruby’s not into that, so I can’t help you there.” He sounded like he was fighting back laughter. “You couldn’t pay her to wear a dress, and the one doll she got as a birthday present from my mom is still in the packaging. But your point is that you’re looking for a way to interact with her?”
“I don’t know if she wants me to. Am I supposed to pick up a doll and start talking in a funny voice, like elbow my way in? Or just leave her alone and catch up on some emails?”
“Well, I wouldn’t do that. Bonding doesn’t come when you’re each doing your own thing. I’d hang in there, pick up on her clues…find ways to engage. Look, I get it. When Ruby first came to live here, I had no idea what to do with her.”
“That’s where I am right now.” And I want to jump ahead to where Will is—I want to know her.
I want her to love me.
He sat with that for a second. Let it sink in, spread through him.
The idea that this little fairy girl could come to love him triggered a whole lot of fear, but underneath that—if he could just reach it—was a sense of pride that far surpassed anything he’d felt when they’d put the medal around his neck.
So, yeah. That’s what he wanted.
“The only thing I can tell you is nothing happens overnight. The bonding comes over time. It comes because you’re there every day, feeding her and giving her baths, reading her books at night before bed. You learn her, and she learns you. And, after a while, she comes to trust you with her life.”
It was like a hammer striking his spinal cord, the sizzle traveling throughout his body.
No child should trust me with her life.
That familiar image of Ari flashed inside his mind. Her pale complexion, the dark blue snowsuit against the fresh, white snow.
But he forced himself out of the darkness and into the here and now. Onto Posie. On earning her trust. “Makes sense.”
“I made a lot of mistakes with Ruby, but I think that’s where the bonding happens. You care enough to work through things. You sit with her through tantrums and find what makes her laugh. I know that’s not what you want to hear. You want an answer right now, but I think it’s like any relationship. It takes time to build trust and to get to know each other.”
“Time’s the one thing I don’t have.”
“Well, then, maybe it won’t ever be different than it is right now. Maybe every time you come to visit, she’s going to do her own thing, and you’re going to wonder what you can do to get her attention.”
He didn’t like that at all. He’d pictured coming to town and having her all over him, asking questions about his travels, marveling over the gifts he’d bought her…
Wow. Had he actually thought Posie would admire his lifestyle?
She’ll resent me.
But even worse, I’ll hurt her. Deeply.
He imagined a closet stuffed with the presents he’d bought her over the years.
“She’s not going to love you because you gave her your DNA,” Will said. “She’s going to love you because you sat with her while she played dolls, figured out how she likes her eggs, and let her sleep in your bed after she’s had a nightmare.”
He’d wanted a quick answer. Instead, this conversation had shaken him. He could only stare at himself in the mirror and wonder how the fuck he’d thought one summer would be enough to get a handle on this situation. “I hear you. I have to get back to work in a few weeks, but I’ll come back.” Of course he would. “And I’ll keep at it.”
“Again, I’ll tell you, it’s like with any relationship, every time you come back, you’ll be starting over. Relationships need consistency, maintenance. For now, I’d say just hang out with her. When she wants something, she’ll let you know. When she needs you, she won’t hesitate to ask. And, every time you show up for her, that’s bonding. It’s really as simple as that. Just be there.”
He watched her talking to herself, providing the dialogue for her dolls, and his heart squeezed. “I don’t know what’s best for her.”
“Like I said, you’ll figure it out the more time you spend with her.”
“No, I mean, is it worse to have a dad who shows up a couple times a year?” Because they hadn’t told Posie yet. It wasn’t too late to choose a different path. “Or should I bow out and let Coco find a more traditional guy who’ll be a good father?”
“But you’re her father. Unless you’re going to lie to her, she’ll know that Coco’s husband is her stepdad.”
The idea of Coco marrying someone else made him sick.
But the image of Posie grabbing some other man’s hand and dragging him to the kitchen table to get her toy to work scared the shit out of him.
“So, I don’t see how you’ll save her by taking off. I think the real question, though, is can you live with that choice? Can you go back to your life knowing you’ve got a daughter out there?”
“No.” But he’d already known that. He could never go back to his old life as if nothing had changed. He didn’t want to. His heart ached with emotion…he cared about her.
He was just scared.
Scared of a five-year-old he didn’t know how to relate to.
I’m not going to figure it out by hiding in the bathroom talking to Will.
&nbs
p; “I think the only reason this is troubling you is because you already know your priorities. You’re a good man, Beckett. You’ll figure it out as you go along. There’s no textbook that’ll tell you what to do. Every family is different, and yours will find its normal.”
Family.
Me, Coco, and Posie.
We’re a family.
He’d been seeing the three of them as separate entities. His relationship with Coco felt different than the one he was building with Posie.
But one simple word merged them together.
“Where are you, Beckett?” And, after that revelation, her sweet little voice unmanned him.
“Coming.” He flushed the toilet.
“Did you call me from the shitter?” Will sounded horrified.
He burst out laughing. “No. She told me her doll needed to go potty. That’s why I called in the first place. I didn’t know what to do.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself. I would’ve just made a shushing sound, like she’s pissing, and then handed the doll back.”
Beckett laughed. “That’s because you’re a crass bastard.”
“I’ll let you go. I’m around if you want to get the girls together for a play date.”
Those were the last words Beckett ever expected to hear coming out of Will Bowie’s mouth. He didn’t even know how to respond.
Will burst out laughing. “Gotcha.” And then he disconnected.
Chapter Fifteen
Stowing his phone in the back pocket of his jeans, Beckett returned to Posie’s campground and handed her the doll.
She snatched it and set it down roughly against her white nightstand. “You can’t play with us.”
Her tone caught his attention. He wanted to ask what had happened, but he hesitated to interrupt her. Maybe she worked through her problems with dolls?
“I can so play with you.” This voice was different voice, challenging.
Okay, she was definitely working something out. He’d stay quiet and see where she went with the conversation.
She whipped her doll around and said, “You’re mean, Jessie, and you can’t play with us.”
“I can play with you.” She’d gone back to the “boy” voice. “I can play with anybody I want.”
