by Rachel White
Rallis turned back to the book he was reading, ignoring Lieutenant Taarq's gaze on the side of his face. "You should sleep more."
"They said after three days I would be ready to start walking again."
"I don't believe you."
Lieutenant Taarq laughed. "Fair enough. How are things going?"
If nothing else, the Jevites were a very efficient people. By the end of the first day, all of the consequences of Suul Thrun's attempted coup had been discovered and catalogued. The injured had been brought to infirmaries. The four damaged citadel engines had been mostly repaired. What remained of the Suulsen had convened long enough to select an interim Suulsen-dama until a real vote could be held. Jevell had been balanced on Ekket, an experience that felt to Rallis like being on a dinner platter set down by a giant.
Part of Jevell had broken off: the northern edge, the prison quarter. It hadn't plummeted to Lyr immediately as everyone expected, because the northern engine had lasted just enough to slow its descent—but it had still fallen, sinking slowly through the air to land just outside of Kavck. Now that the chaos in Jevell had finally settled, legion units had been sent down to investigate the crash site, but even Jevite efficiency only went so far. News hadn't yet come back about survivors. There was no sign of Naravi.
Rallis knew what that meant and hated himself for not going to the prison as he had wanted and hated himself for being glad that he had stayed. If he had gone… The physicians had said it was miraculous that Lieutenant Taarq had held on until Legionnaire Saura arrived. The amount of blood he had lost should have killed him long before she was able to reach him. He was alive because Rallis had been there to talk to him and keep him awake and engaged. If Rallis had gone to Naravi instead…
"They're going all right," he said instead.
"Has there been any news of your cousin?"
"Not yet." Miana had sent him messages, no doubt asking for updates, but Rallis hadn't read them. He didn't have the words to answer her inevitable question. Nur's heart, first Hesse and Naravi. A part of him feared she simply wouldn't survive it. If he thought about it too much, he wasn't sure he would survive it.
Lieutenant Taarq's face darkened. "I'm sorry. For what it's worth, it's still early."
"I know. And…I'm sorry too. About Captain Harn, I mean. If I hadn't…"
Lieutenant Taarq cut him off with a sharp shake of his head. "Nasir made his choice. He's an officer of the legion; he knew what he was getting into when he went to find your cousin. As I said, he would never have forgiven himself—or me—if I'd tried to stop him." He looked down at his hands, trembling on the bedding. "There's still time. I'm not going to mourn them yet."
Rallis touched his knuckles. "You should go back to sleep."
"Are you going back to Adesa?"
"Not yet," Rallis told him. "Not until you recover. Though…I'd like to go back soon. I'm sure Miana is frantic." At least she knew he was alive—he had told her as much in the one message he had managed to send her before his cowardice overwhelmed him.
"You don't need to wait for me."
"I want to."
Lieutenant Taarq sighed. "Well, then, they really did say three days."
Silence settled between them—a safe silence, quiet and contemplative. Thin sunlight streamed through the window, illuminating Lieutenant Taarq. His skin was rich and dark and healthy and his gaze was bright and clear when he looked at Rallis. He looked pleasantly quizzical when he noticed Rallis watching him. "Do you want to play khas?" he said.
"Not right now. Lieutenant Taarq—"
Lieutenant Taarq blinked. Before Rallis could continue, he said, as though realizing it for the first time, "I was shot trying to protect you."
He didn't sound strange, but perhaps he was feeling disoriented. Rallis would bring it up with the physician. "Yes," Rallis said. "You were."
"And we confessed our feelings for one another. It was my impression," Lieutenant Taarq continued, softly, "that after this, we were going to…stay together. I'm desperately in love with you, and you said… Anyway, I'd like to stay together."
I'm desperately in love with you. Would that ever stop making Rallis's face heat?
"I'd like to stay together too," he managed. An understatement: the idea of a life without Lieutenant Taarq was like a ragged hole in his chest, unhealing, incapacitating. "I…I love you as well."
And Lieutenant Taarq smiled at him, wryly, his pale eyes sparking with good humor. "In that case, I think it would be all right for you call me Amun."
"Ah," said Rallis, and then found himself laughing so hard he struggled to breathe. Lieutenant Taarq—Amun—looked at him with clear concern, though after a moment he grinned.
"I'm not sure what's funny," he murmured, "but I'm glad to make you laugh."
"Nothing is funny. I'm just—" Happy, though that wasn't quite right. Was there a word for what Rallis was feeling? Relief, and pleasure, and exhaustion, and longing, and sorrow. More than anything else, a sense of finality. He didn't understand quite where it came from. He only knew that it had settled inexorably over him, clinging to him like cobwebs whenever he tried to brush it away.
"I'm just tired." He touched Amun's hand. "I'm not laughing at you."
"I didn't think you were."
Footsteps made them both turn, and they both faced the door in time for it to swing open. Rallis expected it to be Legionnaire Saura or one of Amun's other subordinates, all of whom had been anxious to see their lieutenant back on his feet, but the legionnaire who entered was unfamiliar and wearing an unfamiliar uniform. Legionnaires, Rallis amended, as three more followed the first inside, accompanied by—
"You don't need to stand," Empress Laiaraina said, addressing them both. "Particularly you, Lieutenant Taarq. My understanding is that you're not completely healed yet."
"I'm well on my way, your Excellency." Amun was wide-eyed and still looked half-ready to rise. Rallis would wring his neck. "Thank you for your concern."
She approached the bed, looking down at him. Along her four legionnaire guards, she had brought with her Suul Oymis—the interim Suulsen-dama while the Suulsen worked itself out—and Councilor Rhos and Councilor Evrys; they lingered near the edge of the room. "And is Physician Murr taking care of you?"
"Yes, your Excellency." Physician Murr was the empress's private physician. He hadn't seemed pleased to be attending a minor lieutenant, but he had done so thoroughly and expertly. Rallis had no complaints. "Thank you."
She gave him a faint half-smile. "I'm glad to hear it. In truth, though, I came here mostly to speak to you, Citizen Yy."
Rallis did rise, then. "Me, your Excellency?"
"Yes. I wanted to tell you that the charges have been dropped against you and the other rebels. The investigation isn't finished, but it's becoming clear that most of the attacks perpetrated against Jev were done by Suul Thrun and his accomplices."
Councilor Rhos scowled. "Not all of them."
"Enough of them that it's going to be more trouble than it's worth sorting everything out," Suul Oymis cut in. "Besides, it's embarrassing enough to admit that we were all taken in by him. The less attention on this mess, the better. If a few Adesi rebels stole a few pulses, so be it. Trying to find and arrest them would only remind everyone that we already did that once and got blown up by one of our own for our efforts."
There was a combative tinge to the air. Rallis sensed that this was a longstanding argument, and one not likely to be settled soon. "Thank you," he said to Empress Laiaraina. "That's…that's kind of you."
She touched his shoulder. From the way her legionnaire guards went as poised as hunting dogs, it was probably an unusual gesture. "I hope you find your cousin," she said. "We're still receiving news about the incident. People did survive. It's possible he was among them."
Words caught in Rallis's throat. The agony threatened to overwhelm him, but he forced it back into the locked corner of his mind where he had been keeping it for the last three days. "Yes, your
Excellency."
"Transport to Adesa will be arranged for you. One of my aides will attend to it. Just let him know when you're ready to return to your home and he'll see that you're on the next shuttle back. As for you, Lieutenant Taarq…" her expression turned teasing, "I don't know what agreement you've made with your superior officer, but I'm sure he'll be willing to grant you some leave."
Amun laughed. "I'm technically still stationed on Adesa, your Excellency. He expects me to return as soon as I'm able."
"Even better. Thank you, both of you. I won't forget what you did." She looked at her hands, thinking, perhaps, of the standoff with Suul Thrun, the moment of pulling the trigger. "It wasn't the ending I had hoped for, but it was an ending nonetheless. And perhaps that's enough."
Afterward, as Amun napped away the afternoon, Rallis sat by his bedside in the empty room and turned his book over in his hands, thinking of the empress's words—not her pardon, but her last words, her comments on endings. The sense of finality had returned. Now, in the quiet of the infirmary, listening to Amun breathe, Rallis could identify it. All parts of his time on Jev, good and bad, were over. A thousand different things could have happened—and a week ago, any of them seemed equally possible—but now there was only one path before him.
He would be with Amun. He would return to Adesa, no longer a war criminal or a rebellion leader, but Rallis Yy, of House Yy, as he should have been. Naravi…he couldn't think about it. He would, when he reached Adesa and it became inescapable, and it would be a pain like ripping himself apart, but until then he would put it out of his thoughts. It wasn't the ending Rallis had hoped for, either, but—as Empress Laiaraina had said—it was an ending nonetheless. It would have to be enough.
*~*~*
They landed on Adesa two days later. Rallis had never been more glad to see home. The red dirt under his feet and the jewel-bright roofs of the motherhouses and the vibrant green leaves in all the trees filled his eyes with a rainbow of colors. He felt like a parched man stumbling on water, willing to drink himself to death because he finally could.
Amun followed him out more carefully. He was already doing much better, but he was still slow and stiff to move, still cautious about his wound. The physicians in the palace had been reluctant to let him go, but Rallis had been growing more desperate by the moment to return to Kavck, and Amun had insisted on going with him, so they had compromised: he would take the shuttle down, but he wouldn't return to work immediately. That was more than fine, in Rallis's opinion.
"Whew." He turned as Legionnaire Saura hopped down after them, wide-eyed and grinning. "It's beautiful. Which one is your house?"
"It's not here," Rallis told her. "We need to take a flier there."
She nodded, still gaping at the sights around her. Though ostensibly there to assist them, Rallis was fairly sure she would be of little help, at least until her wonder wore off. He summoned a flier and helped load their luggage while Legionnaire Saura stared, entranced, at the tamarind trees lining the edge of the airfield, the red-brown wastelands on the far edge of the horizon, the rooftops of nearby houses. They had to call her name three times before she broke from her spell and joined them in the flier.
A part of Rallis was sure he would arrive at the motherhouse to find it gone, or irrevocably changed in some way, but it looked exactly the same as ever when he spied it through the window of the flier. Its roof was still made of glittering blue tiles, sloping gently down to meet reddish brick walls. The outer courtyard was still ringed by a white stone wall topped with wrought-iron grape vines, the symbol of House Yy. The gate was still beaten metal, the window still glittering glass, the front doors still heavy, onyx-black walnut, polished until they shone. There was nothing unfamiliar or unusual about it. Rallis was the one who had changed.
He descended the flier and made his way to the gate, debating whether to ring, but it didn't matter, for there were figures in the courtyard to greet them: two of the servants, Kirra and Iayan, and Miana between them. She was wearing normal clothes, bright silks and satins. Not the gray and white of mourning. She didn't know.
"Rallis," she said, pulling the gate open herself, before Kirra or Iayan could even make a move to touch it. "You've made it back safely. Ah, Nur, I'm glad."
"Miana—"
She enveloped him in an embrace. They had never been a physical family, inclined to touch one another, and he didn't know how to react to the warm, unfamiliar press of her arms around him. He felt himself stiffen and tried to relax, but it was impossible. He needed to tell her. He needed to—and yet, how could he? Emotionally, she was strongest of any of them, but her sickness made her frail and Hesse's death had already been a blow nearly impossible to endure. Naravi—the youngest, the baby—would be worse.
"You haven't replied to any of my messages," she said, stepping back and inspecting his face. Her hands rested on his shoulders, keeping him in place despite the panic that told him to run. "I was half-sure you had been arrested. Or worse."
"No." Nur's heart, Rallis just needed to do it. He had to say the words. Even if it broke her, she needed to know. "Miana…Naravi was…"
His voice failed him. He looked away, unable to bear the relief and expectation on her face. "He was in the Jevell prison when the citadel broke. It—it fell. He fell with it. He was…"
"I know. He and Lieutenant Harn explained what happened."
Thank the gods. They had already told her, and she had endured it. It hadn't broken her after all, though perhaps he shouldn't have been so quick to assume that it would. Sickness or not, Miana was impossibly strong. If anyone could endure, it would be her—
"Wait, he told you?" said Rallis, as the rest of her words caught up with him. "Naravi told you?"
She blinked. "Yes. He and Lieutenant Harn were brought here because the hospital was growing too crowded. Why?"
"He's alive?"
"Yes," she said slowly, and then, "Nur's heart, you didn't know? I told you days ago!"
But he hadn't read any of her messages because he couldn't bear the idea of the contents—the fear, the desperation, the questions he would need to answer. He had covered his ears and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. "I…didn't know."
Ah, Nur, it really was over. It was all over, and they had all made it through. Rallis didn't even try to stop the smile pulling at his mouth. "I thought…Nur's heart, I thought I was going to have to tell you he had died."
Miana laughed. "Not yet, though gods know he's doing his best. But he's fine. He said it was like an earthquake. It just shook him up."
"That's incredible," said Amun, a grin dawning on his face. "I'm very glad to hear it. And Nasir is alive as well?"
A queer expression crossed Miana's face, just for a moment, before she turned her attention to Amun. "Yes. He was injured, but he's doing very well. The physician expects him to make a full recovery. He's here now, since the hospital is full."
"Can we see them?" Rallis asked.
"Of course." She took him by the hands and drew him into the front courtyard, Amun and Legionnaire Saura following, Iayan and Kirra bringing up the rear with the luggage. "You look exhausted. You'll need to tell me what's been happening on Jev, but I'm sure you want to rest first." In the cool of the motherhouse foyer, she released him but stayed close to his side as she led him toward the back. That was unusual for Miana too—she may not have been on Jev with them, but she had suffered and changed in her own ways, these last few weeks. Rallis would need to sit down with her in a quiet moment. They had a lot to talk about.
In the sleeping chamber, Lieutenant Harn was in Naravi's bed, dressed in Adesi-style clothes with his hair hanging in his face and bandages wrapped around his shoulder and neck. He looked half-asleep, but stirred as they came in. "Amun—"
"You're alive," said Amun, striding toward him as best he could. "What in the world happened?"
"I fell from Jevell." Lieutenant Harn snorted. "I don't recommend it." His eyes went to Rallis. "Citizen Yy. I'm glad to se
e you're doing well. I heard what happened with Suul Thrun."
"Ah," said Rallis. "Yes."
"The entire thing is a disgrace to Jev. It was our fault this happened. I apologize for your family's involvement."
"What do you mean?"
"If Jev had done our due diligence in investigating the attacks, it's possible we could have realized sooner that he was behind them. But it was easier and more beneficial to assume the Adesi were responsible, so we weren't diligent." His expression darkened. "That was our mistake."
"But not your mistake," said Amun lightly, "so there's no sense in blaming yourself for it. I'm equally responsible. And neither of us is as responsible as most everyone else involved in this debacle."
"I was the one who—"
"Enough. I'm very glad you're not too hurt. Will you be able to use your arm soon?"
"In a week or so." Lieutenant Harn eyed Amun's hand where it was pressed against his side. "What happened to you?"
As Amun launched into an explanation, Rallis soaked in the world around them, half-listening, savoring the moment. There, in the sleeping chamber, with golden light pouring in from the afternoon sun outside, everything felt as serene as one of the legends of Nur. The warm air through the window buzzed with the sound of cicadas calling from the trees ringing the courtyard. Miana, at his side, looked surprisingly healthy, considering the stress she had no doubt been under: her color was good and her features were soft and full, not sunken with illness. When she laughed at one of Amun's jokes, her breath came easily. Amun was animated and cheerful as he spoke, displaying little of the pain that had been plaguing him since he was hit. Even Lieutenant Harn appeared to be doing well, despite the bandages covering his shoulder and chest.
"And you told me that I was putting myself in danger," he said wryly when Amun had finished. "At least I didn't—"
He fell silent, eyes going behind Rallis and Miana. The air had suddenly turned frigid. As one, they all followed his gaze.
Naravi was in the doorway. Oh, Nur, Rallis had never been so happy to see him. The relief that swamped him was as intoxicating as good ymmet, as sweet as the sight of the sunrise over Kavck.
