by Barbara Park
Pretty soon, Daddy came back to me.
He said we would look for the monster after dinner. But first we would cook some hamburgers on the grill.
“Oh boy!” I said. “Oh boy! ’Cause hamburgers are my most favorite things in the whole wide world! Plus also I like pasketti and meatballs.”
After that, me and Daddy went outside.
He got a flipper for the hamburgers. Then he gave me a flipper, too. ’Cause I am old enough, that’s why.
I runned all over with that thing.
I flipped a rock and a flower and a dirt ball. Plus also, I flipped a dead lizard I found in the driveway.
Then Mother took my flipper away.
’Cause I am not old enough, that’s why.
After dinner I took my bath.
Then Mother and Daddy read me a story. And they hugged me good night.
“See you in the morning,” said Mother.
“See you in the morning,” said Daddy.
I sat up in my bed.
“Yeah, only I can’t even sleep in here. ’Cause you guys didn’t bash that monster yet.”
Daddy rubbed his tired eyes.
“There’s no monster, Junie B. There is nothing to be afraid of,” he said.
Then he kissed me. And he went out of my room. And Mother went with him.
I quick got out of bed and followed those two.
They turned around and spotted me.
“Hello. How are you today?” I said very pleasant. “I am going to sit in the kitchen and not bother anyone. Plus also, I might watch Eyewitness News at Ten.”
Mother carried me back to bed.
I followed her out again.
“Want to bake a lemon pie? A lemon pie would be fun, don’t you think?” I asked.
This time, Mother marched me back to my room real fast.
“Do not get up again, Junie B.,” she said. “Enough is enough.”
I waited for her feet to walk away.
Then I tippytoed to my baby brother’s room. And I climbed into his crib.
It was very crowded in there.
That’s how come I had to get out and put baby Ollie on the floor.
Then I climbed in his crib again. And I pulled up the blanket all warm and cozy.
Only too bad for me, ’cause just then that crybaby baby started to scream.
Daddy runned into the room speedy quick.
He turned on the light and saw me.
I did a gulp.
“Hello. How are you today?” I said kind of nervous. “I am all warm and cozy.”
Daddy quick swished me out of there.
Then he put baby Ollie back in the crib.
And he took me to my bed again.
“Okay. This is it,” he grouched. “This is the last time I want to have to come in here. Do you understand, missy? Do not get out of this bed one more time.”
I started to cry a teeny bit.
“Yeah, only what about the monster?” I said. “’Cause he is still under my bed, I think.”
Daddy throwed his hands in the air.
Then he turned on my light. And he looked for the monster all over the place.
First, he looked under my bed. Then he looked in my closet. And in my drawers. And in my trash can. Plus also, he looked in my crayon box.
“No monster, Junie B.,” he said. “No monster anywhere. You’re going to have to believe me. Monsters are not real!”
He sat down on my bed.
“I’m going to go now,” he said. “I’m going to leave your door open. And I’m going to leave the hall light on. But this is it, okay? You have to trust me, Junie B. There is no monster under your bed.”
I holded onto his shirt.
“Yeah, only tuck in my sheets. Okay? Tuck them in real tight. Or else my feet might hang over the side. And piggy toes look like little wiener sausages.”
Daddy tucked in my sheets. “There. Now good night.”
“Yeah, only get my teddy. Okay, Daddy? Plus also get my Raggedy Ann named Ruth. And my Raggedy Andy named Larry. And get my stuffed elephant named Philip Johnny Bob.”
Daddy got all those guys for me. He tucked them in my bed.
“There. That’s it. Now good night,” he said.
He walked right out of my room. And he kept on going down the hall.
I looked all around in the dark.
It was spooky and scary in there.
“PHILIP JOHNNY BOB WANTS A DRINK OF WATER!” I shouted out real loud.
I waited and waited.
“YEAH, ONLY HE REALLY, REALLY NEEDS ONE! ON ACCOUNT OF HE IS HAVING A PROBLEM WITH HIS TRUNK!”
Daddy didn’t come.
“RAGGEDY RUTH NEEDS A KLEENEX!” I yelled next.
After that, my voice got quieter.
“Raggedy Larry wants a cookie,” I said.
But still Daddy didn’t come.
5/My Worstest Night Ever
It was my worstest night ever.
I didn’t sleep any winks.
That’s because I had to keep my eyes open. Or else the monster wouldn’t stay invisible.
I heard Mother and Daddy go to bed.
“GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY! GOOD NIGHT! IT’S ME! IT’S JUNIE B. JONES! I AM STILL AWAKE IN HERE. ’CAUSE I CAN’T EVEN CLOSE MY EYES OR THE MONSTER WILL COME!”
Mother and Daddy didn’t yell back.
“PLUS HERE’S ANOTHER THING I NEED TO TELL YOU! DON’T TURN OUT THE HALL LIGHT. PLUS DON’T SHUT MY DOOR! PLUS DON’T SHUT YOUR DOOR, EITHER!”
“Go to sleep!” grouched Mother.
I smiled very relieved.
“It was good to hear your voice,” I said kind of quiet.
After that, Mother and Daddy got in bed. And they turned out their light.
Daddy started to snore.
“Oh no,” I said. “Now he won’t even be awake to save me if the monster comes.”
I pulled Philip Johnny Bob out of my covers.
“I will save you,” he said. “I will squirt water in the monster’s face. Plus I will stomple him with my giant elephant feet. And so now you can close your eyes. And you don’t even have to worry about that guy.”
I looked and looked at him.
“Yeah, only here’s the problem,” I said. “You’re not actually strong ’cause you just have fluffy in you. Plus also you can’t really squirt water. And so who am I kidding here?”
Philip Johnny Bob stared at me a real long time.
Then he went back under the covers.
All of a sudden I heard feet in the hall.
It was monster feet, I think!
They kept getting closer and closer to me.
Then pretty soon they runned right in my room!
And guess what?
It was my dog, Tickle! That’s what!
“Tickle! Tickle! I am so glad to see you! ’Cause now you can protect me from the monster! And so why didn’t I think of this before?”
I pulled back my covers and patted for him to jump up.
“Here, Tickle! You can sleep right on my pillow! ’Cause Mother won’t even find out about this!”
Tickle springed right up there. He runned all around on my bed.
He put his head under my sheets and runned down to my feet.
“No, Tickle! No! No! You have to come back up here! Or else how will you even protect me?”
I pulled him back up.
He put his paws on Raggedy Larry. And chewed his red hair.
“No, Tickle! No! No!” I said.
Just then, Tickle springed over me. And he landed on my elephant named Philip Johnny Bob.
He holded him by his trunk. And shaked that guy all around.
I saved Philip Johnny Bob just in time.
Then I pushed Tickle off my bed. And he runned out of my room.
Philip Johnny Bob was very upset.
I petted his trunk.
Also, I hugged Raggedy Larry.
Only too bad for me. ’Cause just then Raggedy Ruth fell right
out of my bed. On account of the dumb sheets weren’t tucked in anymore.
Me and Raggedy Larry peeked over the side at her.
“Get her,” said Raggedy Larry.
“Yeah, only I can’t get her,” I said real upset. “Or else the monster will grab my hand and pull me right under the bed.”
I thought about what to do.
Then—all of a sudden—I picked up all my friends in my arms.
“We have to make a run for it,” I told them. “We have to sleep with Mother and Daddy tonight. ’Cause we will be safe with them. Plus they won’t even know we’re there probably. ’Cause their bed is the size of a king.”
I stood on the side of my bed. Then I jumped way out to the middle of the floor. And I quick picked up Raggedy Ruth.
I ran to Mother and Daddy’s room.
They were sleeping and snoring.
“Shh,” I said to Raggedy Larry.
“Shh,” I said to Philip Johnny Bob.
Then all of us crawled down the middle of their bed. And we sneaked under their covers.
Only too bad for me. ’Cause Mother rolled right over on Philip Johnny Bob’s trunk. And it waked her right up.
She turned on the light.
I did a gulp.
“Hello. How are you today? Me and my friends are sleeping here. ’Cause we didn’t think you’d mind, probably.”
Mother carried me back to my room zippity quick.
Then she leaned close to my ear. And she talked very scary with her teeth closed.
“Do…not…get…out…of…bed…one…more…time,” she said.
And so guess what?
I didn’t.
6/Flatsos
The next day at school, I was pooped and tired.
I opened one eye with my fingers. And I drawed a picture for art.
It did not turn out that professional.
After that, I holded up my head with my hands. And I waited for school to be over.
Me and that Grace rode home on the bus together.
I yawned and yawned.
“Darn it, Grace. I wish you never even told me that monsters can turn invisible. ’Cause now I can’t even close my eyes at night.”
“I can,” said that Grace. “That’s because I don’t have a monster under my bed anymore. My mom figured out how to get rid of it.”
My eyes got big and wide.
“How, Grace? How did she do that?”
“Easy,” said that Grace. “First, she sucked it up in the vacuum cleaner. Then she put the vacuum cleaner bag in the trash compactor. And she squished the monster into a flatso.”
Just then, I hugged and hugged that girl! ’Cause that was brilliant, of course!
“Thank you, Grace! Thank you! Thank you! ’Cause I have a vacuum cleaner right in my very own home! And so I can do that too, probably!”
After I got off my bus, I zoomed to my house speedy fast.
“GRANDMA MILLER! GRANDMA MILLER! I KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF THE MONSTER!” I hollered.
Then I runned to the closet and got Mother’s vacuum cleaner. And I pulled that big thing all the way to my room.
Grandma Miller came to my door.
I told her all about how to get rid of the monster. And guess what? She was a good sport about it!
First, she plugged the vacuum cleaner right into my wall. Then she put it under the bed. And she sucked the monster right out of there!
“HURRAY! HURRAY! YOU GOT HIM! YOU GOT THE MONSTER, GRANDMA!” I yelled real thrilled.
Grandma Miller runned with the bag to the kitchen. And she throwed it in the trash can.
“There. That ought to do the trick,” she said very happy.
I looked and looked at the trash.
Then I did a teeny frown.
“Yeah, only here’s the problem, Grandma. You didn’t actually put the bag in the trash compactor. And that is what turns the monster into a flatso.”
Grandma Miller smiled.
“Yes, but this house doesn’t have a trash compactor, Junie B.,” she said. “Your monster will just have to stay in the vacuum cleaner bag.”
My frown got bigger.
“Yeah, but what if he leaks out, Grandma? Then maybe he might float in the air. All the way back to my room. And he will get under my bed again.”
Grandma Miller tapped on the counter with her fingers. Then her cheeks filled up with air. And she let it out real slow.
“Okay…how ’bout this? What if I take it outside? I’ll take the bag outside. And I’ll push it way down in the big garbage can. And then I’ll press the lid down really tight, so he can’t get out.”
“Yeah, but he still won’t be a flatso,” I said very whining.
Just then, Grandma Miller got fusstration in her.
She grabbed the vacuum cleaner bag and ran outside.
Then she put it on the driveway.
And she got in her car.
And she backed up over that thing with her tires.
Pretty soon, she came back in the house.
She brushed her hands together.
“There! Now he’s a flatso!” she said kind of growly.
After she left, I got on the couch. And I stared very nervous at the driveway.
’Cause guess why?
A car is not a trash compactor.
That’s why.
7/Snarlies and Snufflies
That night, I heard snarlies under my bed.
Mother said it was my ’magination.
“No, it is not my ’magination,” I said. “I can hear snarlies. Plus also I hear snories and snufflies and droolies.”
Mother rolled her eyes way up at the ceiling.
“Honestly, Junie B….where in the world do you get this stuff?” she asked.
I thought and thought.
“It just automatically comes in my head,” I said. “It is a gift, I think.”
After that, I begged to sleep in her bed.
But Mother said no.
Then Daddy said no, too.
“You have to trust us, Junie B.,” he said. “We would never let anything hurt you. There’s nothing in your room to be afraid of.”
And so that’s how come I had to sleep in my own bed. For the whole entire night.
Plus also, I had to sleep there the next night. And the next night. And the next night after that, too.
That was the night when the worst thing of all happened.
’Cause I accidentally sleeped too much. And the monster must have crawled on my bed. ’Cause in the morning there was drool on my pillow!
I screamed very loud when I felt it.
“HELP! HELP! THERE’S DROOL! THERE’S DROOL! I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN! I TOLD YOU THE MONSTER WOULD COME!”
I ran in Mother and Daddy’s room and showed them my pillow.
Mother holded her head.
“When is this ever going to end?” she said. “When are you ever going to realize that there are no such things as monsters?”
She did not wait for me to answer.
“Everyone drools on their pillow sometimes,” she said. “It doesn’t mean you’re a baby. Your mouth just opens when you’re sleeping. And you drool a little bit. It’s no big deal. And it is not from monsters!”
After that, she went out of her room to the kitchen. And Daddy went to get Ollie.
I crawled into her bed and counted my piggy toes.
Good news.
There was ten.
That day at kindergarten, Mrs. had a surprise for us.
It was called our school pictures were back from the cheese man.
She passed them out to us.
Lucille got hers first.
My eyes popped out at those things!
“Lucille! Look how gorgeous they are! They are the gorgeosest pictures I ever saw!” I said.
Lucille fluffed her fluffy dress.
“I know it. I know they are gorgeous. That’s just how I look, Junie B. I can’t even help it.”
After that,
Lucille stood up at the table. And she held up her pictures for everyone to see.
Mrs. said sit down to her.
Just then, Mrs. bended down next to me. And she smoothed my hair.
“Junie B., honey? You might want to have your pictures taken again,” she said kind of quiet.
Then she handed me my envelope real secret. So nobody could see.
I sneaked a peek at those things.
My stomach felt sickish inside.
“I look like I smelled stink,” I said.
I quick tried to hide my pictures. But Lucille grabbed them away from me.
“Eeew! Gross!” she said. “Junie B. looks gross!”
I tried to grab them back.
“YEAH, ONLY THESE ARE NOT EVEN YOUR BEESWAX, MADAM!” I yelled very mad.
Only too bad for me. ’Cause lots of other kids already saw them. And they laughed and laughed at those things.
Finally I grabbed the pictures back. And I hided them in my coat.
I didn’t talk to Room Nine for the whole rest of the day.
8/Scary-face Me!
After I got home from school, I sat on my bed. And I looked at my pictures.
“I hate these ugly, dumb things!” I said very furious. “These are the ugliest dumb pictures I ever even saw!”
I leaned over the edge and holded a picture down there.
“See this? See this, you stupid monster? This picture is just as scary as you! And so maybe I might put it right under my bed! And it will scare your whole entire pants off!”
Just then, I sat up very straight.
’Cause that might be a good idea I just thought of!
I quick found my scissors.
Then I cut my school pictures apart from each other. And I shoved them right under my bed.
“I am not even afraid of you, you dumb monster! ’Cause these ugly pictures can bite your head off!”
Just then, I heard Mother come home from work.
“Mother! Mother! My pictures came! My pictures came!” I hollered very thrilled.
She hurried up to my room.
I pointed under my bed.
“See them, Mother? See my school pictures? I spread them out under there.”
Mother looked curious at me.
She bended down and picked up a picture.
Her mouth did a gasp.
“Oh my,” she whispered.
