A Change of Heart

by Sonali Dev

  The glazed look disappeared so fast it was like a magic trick.

  He let go of her breast. “Why didn’t you ask me to stop?”

  “Do you want to stop?” She looked away, too afraid to hear his answer.

  It’s your whore’s body. Who can stop?

  “No.” He shook his head. “Your body . . . you’re just so damn beauti—What’s the matter? What did I say?”

  She wrapped her arms around his head and tugged him down to her breast again. “I want you to keep going. I don’t want to . . .”

  “Shhh, sweetheart,” he whispered against the breasts she was shoving into his face. He tugged her arms off his head, even as they clutched desperately to keep him in place.

  “I don’t want you to stop, Nikhil,” she sobbed. Her body suddenly filthy, numb, and caked in dirt. What was wrong with her? One moment, she wanted him so badly it raged inside her like a fever. The next moment, she was as cold and hard as marble, cracking and crumbling along the veins that should have made her beautiful.

  He clasped her waist and tried to push her away. But she didn’t want that either. She didn’t want him to stop holding her. Didn’t want herself distanced from him, but she wanted her body to have nothing to do with the way he touched her.

  His hands slipped around her again and held her for another moment. That spot at the top of her head, where his breath always landed when he held her, tingled. When had that become the most sensitive part of her body?

  “You want to talk to me?” he said.

  No. She didn’t want to talk. There was nothing to talk about.

  “I’ve told you everything. And it’s okay if you don’t want me after what I’ve told you.” Her heart begged for him to turn away from her body. Instead, he took her hand and placed it where his hot, hard length swelled his jeans. For a moment fear made her weak, but then she didn’t know if it was heat again or shame. Everything inside her blurred together.

  “You think I don’t want you?” he asked, but before another sob escaped her, she saw the wonder in his eyes. Wonder, not lust. “This guy?” he said, calling that hard, engorged thing a guy.

  She pressed her lips together. It was completely crazy to want to smile when she had been so close to tears seconds ago.

  He grinned down at her. His little-boy smile very hot and adult. “This guy hasn’t done this for two years. I had forgotten he even existed. And you think I don’t want you?”

  She looked up at him, her heart one part misery, two parts hope.

  “What is it, sweetheart? Tell me.”

  I hate my body, she wanted to tell him. Hate that it turns men into beasts. Hate that it’s all you see. But he needed her body. And maybe this curse of hers could actually give him back something he had lost. “Your guy, he . . . he really hasn’t done that in two years?”

  The dark, deep chocolate of his eyes turned opaque, his pupils dilating with pain. “I saw it happen.”

  He softened under her fingers, and without thinking about it she stroked him, making him push up against her hand again. He leaned his head back.

  “How do we keep them out? How do we make them leave us alone?” He met her eyes again. “I don’t want them here, Nikhil. But they’re here.”

  “No.” He pulled her face to his, his mouth suddenly intent on hers, his tongue stroking until those words were gone. “No, they’re not.” He tugged her head back, sucking at her throat, scouring all thought from her mind, leaving behind only sensation. “No one is here but me.” His mouth found one hard nipple. “And you.”

  Her moan turned into a scream. She arched her back and pressed her aching breast into his mouth. “Nikhil.”

  “Yes. Nikhil. Just me. Just you.”

  Her entire being centered on his swirling tongue. Pleas tangled in her throat in moans and gasps. His hands circled her waist and fitted her to him. If he had been hard before, now he raged against her, the friction of his jeans scraping her raw.

  Just when she thought she couldn’t take it anymore, just when something between her legs felt like it would unhinge and explode, he let the hard nub of one nipple pop from his mouth and turned to the other. Cool air stroked the wetness on one side while the heat of his mouth burned the other. An inferno rose inside her. She was begging, but she didn’t know for what. Her spine curved toward it, her breasts reached for it.

  She writhed beneath him, mindless as he reached down and tugged at her pants. The loss stymied her for a moment. Another set of hands coming back from the past.

  “Jess,” he said against her mouth. “It’s me. Stay with me.” His hand cupped her bare mound, and she forgot everything but his long-fingered touch. He didn’t give her a chance to leave him again. Two fingers pressed into her soaking center.

  “Nikhil.” She cried out his name.

  “Again. Say it again.” This mouth trailed wetness down her body, lower and lower.

  “Nikhil. Nikhil. Nikhil.” Sobs. Prayers. “Please.”

  His tongue dug into her navel. She screamed. He nipped a line from that dent to a lower dent.

  No.

  Before she knew what he was doing, his mouth was between her legs. His tongue dipping into her. This time her scream bordered on insanity, her mind leaving her. Sensation like she’d never known exploded where his tongue pierced her. Then everywhere. She was a storm. A tornado. Particles scattered in the air. All of her gone, exploded, nothing but sensation and more sensation.

  He didn’t let her go, moving with her as she thrust and thrashed against his mouth. Not letting up until the sensation became a crescendo. An endless dance of crests and waves. Ages passed before she came back into her body. Her head swimming, dizzy, her belly trembling, all of her slick with sweat. He came up then. His lips glistening with her madness.

  “Shh,” he said, his face over her, smiling. “Breathe.”

  She shook her head from side to side. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t process what had just happened to her.

  “I’m going to enter you now. Do you want that?” he said, reaching into the nightstand drawer and retrieving a condom.

  “Yes.” It’s what she wanted more than anything else.

  He slid on the condom and entered her. A careful, deliberate slide. He watched her face as she soaked him up. This pleasure was different, sliding against each sensitized inch still buzzing from before, bringing all that sensation back to life. And it set off another flood as he fit into her, the notching so tight, her already satiated belly cramped around her pleasure.

  “It’s me. Just me, Jess,” he whispered against her ear. But she didn’t need to be told anymore. It was him. Just him everywhere.

  He moved inside her, starting out controlled, and then his rhythm changed, tipping into her madness, his breath hissed, his eyes lost their center. He threw back his head and shuddered in her arms, mirroring the explosion that had just taken her. She wrapped her legs around his hips, her arms around his shoulders, holding him together. All of him. She wanted all of him.

  “God, Jess,” he said, his voice a million tiny sparks on her skin.

  I know, she wanted to say. God, I know. But there were no words. For this. There were no words.

  33

  I almost told Nikhil the truth today. But the phone is no way to tell someone their wife, who they thought was so smart, was an idiot who had let herself get in over her head.

  —Dr. Jen Joshi

  The last thing Rahul needed right now was another confrontation with Kimi. He knew she was angry with him. Knew that he deserved it. But he just didn’t have the time for this today. Somehow someone above him had decided that he needed to have every single inconsequential, paperwork-heavy case dumped on his head. He’d been working twelve-hour days wading through red tape and then trying to find time to hunt down the Jess Koirala trail. Kirit showed no signs of relenting about the case. Which made sense, since Rahul still had absolutely no hard evidence.

  Kimi stormed into his office, her blond-highlighted hair hangi
ng down to her waist, her jeans so tight, he could imagine every hawaldar and officer rushing to help her when she walked in, until of course they realized who she was.

  His intercom buzzed. “Sir, Kimi-madam’s here to see you,” his assistant’s voice said just as she pulled off her sunglasses and rolled her eyes at Rahul.

  “Send her in,” Rahul said drily.

  She didn’t smile.

  Her eyes looked tired and he choked back the automatic response of panic that rose up inside him. He reminded himself that she was no longer sick.

  “Sit,” he said.

  But of course she didn’t listen. She just jumped right to it. “You need to get Papa off my case. He has God knows how many bodyguards trailing me.”

  “You told me not to and I’m not. I swear.” His fingers almost pinched his throat. Their secret code when they had sworn silence as children. Of course she noticed. Her mercurial eyes widened for a second with such sadness, he almost apologized again.

  She held up a hand, cutting him off before he did any such thing. “Actually, I want you to tell him you’ll do it. Tell him you’ll follow me around and watch me like he wants you to.”

  “Kimi . . .”

  This time her eyes flashed anger. All that sadness gone. “Don’t worry, I’m not actually asking you to put up with my presence. I know how abhorrent you find it.”

  He squeezed his temples, but he couldn’t get into how he felt about her again. “I just want you to tell him you’re doing it. You don’t actually have to do it.” Hurt flashed through the anger for a moment, but she set her jaw against it. “He’ll trust you. And I won’t have to keep dodging all those idiots he’s got tailing me.”

  “I’m not going to lie to Kirit-Sir, Kimi.”

  She put both hands on her hips. “Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot. I’m the one you save your lies for.”

  “I never lied to you.”

  “Whatever.” She paced his office, studied the medals. He remembered taking each one of them to show her after he’d won them. Remembered her delight at each and her tears of pride. “What if I try and talk to Papa about your girlfriend’s case? I can threaten to do a piece on it to get him to let you go meet with her husband.”

  Okay, now she was just trying to press his buttons. “Jen was not my girlfriend and you know it. Can you show some respect?”

  She rolled her eyes again, but it had none of her usual good humor.

  “Please don’t interfere in this case, Kimi.” Kirit would shut down even more if she got involved.

  “Okay. I’ll stay out of it. But you know what you need to do.”

  He groaned.

  “Get those bodyguards off me.” With that she was gone, leaving nothing but the scent of her perfume behind. Tuberoses and mint. Her two favorite things.

  He sank into his chair, not even fighting the sense of loss he felt every time he was subjected to her distant anger. If she had come to him for help, she had to be at her wits’ end. Kirit must really have her surrounded.

  Question was, why was the minister so terrified for her safety suddenly?

  34

  I may be stupid in telling you all this, in putting all my secrets inside you. But it’s what I’ve decided to do. Keep them safe.

  —Dr. Jen Joshi

  Nikhil was fast asleep, but she still turned on the faucet to drown out the sound before taking the phone into the shower stall and dialing.

  The text from Naag had been ominous. A fitting punishment for what she’d just let happen.

  I have some good news for you.

  He wasn’t quite as cryptic when she called him on the phone. “You’ve been there for two weeks. You think I paid for a ticket so you could holiday in America?”

  “You have my son under threat in Mumbai, and you think I’m on holiday?” she almost said.

  Her tongue might’ve loosened far more than it needed to with Nikhil, but she hadn’t entirely lost her mind yet. The usual silkiness of his voice was stretched tight today, and it twisted into a noose around her neck.

  “I texted you. We’ve been searching through all of Jen’s things. I swear.”

  “Seems to me like you’re particularly enjoying searching through one of her things.”

  Her heart froze. Did he have someone watching her here?

  “So I’m right then,” he said, recognizing her silence for the admission it was.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Jen just did a really good job hiding it.” Because she knew bastards like you would go to any lengths to undo her work.

  “Really? And it looks like I did a really bad job in choosing you. I gave you the diary six months ago. You’ve had a chance to pore over it for six months. Anyone with half a brain would have figured out where Dr. Joshi put the evidence from that alone. You’re in her home with her husband, and you want me to believe you can’t figure it out?” He sounded unusually desperate today. Something was very wrong. Whatever he had at stake was in danger. She couldn’t afford for him to feel threatened. When powerful people felt threatened, people like her got shot down in the crossfire.

  “I swear I’m trying. I’m close. I can feel it. Her husband is really looking now. I know it took me long to get him there. But he is now. We’ll find it.” Nikhil really was searching in earnest now. She wished she didn’t know this. She wished she didn’t know all she knew about him.

  “Then you better get back to healing the good doctorsaab. I didn’t pick you for your brain. That body should pull him right out of his stupor.”

  Every inch of skin Nikhil had touched burned.

  You’re so damn beautiful.

  She felt sick. Helplessness churned her insides. But Naag hadn’t picked her for her body. He’d picked her for her vulnerability. Joy.

  “I’m doing everything I can. I swear. If the evidence is here, we’ll find it.”

  “You better make sure that you do. Oh, and I’m off to Calcutta to see an old friend. Maybe I can look up some of your old friends while I’m there?”

  She slid down to the floor of the shower stall. The water so loud in her ears, she lost him for a moment.

  “What? You’re so touched, you lost your voice?”

  Not this. Please.

  “I told you I’ll find it.”

  “So sensitive about Calcutta. I wonder what that’s about.” He waited, but she could barely breathe, let alone respond. The idea of Joy ever finding out was unthinkable. She would commit murder to prevent it. Do anything.

  “If you even think of double crossing me, remember this—if your son disappears, no one will even bother looking for the little bastard’s body. You understand?”

  “Why would I double cross you? He’s my son.”

  “So asking your faggot friend to disappear with your son isn’t double crossing me?”

  All she could manage was another stunned silence. And he read it like a book.

  “You think I’d invest all this money in you and not even tap your phone? How stupid do you think I am? I know what’s happening with him and that male TV star he’s fucking. I’ll have them both thrown in jail if he tries anything funny. I personally have nothing against people fucking whomever they wish to fuck, but our law sees these sodomizing bastards as criminals, and I’m more than happy to help our executive branch get them off our roads.”

  “I told you. I’ll find it. Nikhil is cooperating. I’ve worked him over like you said. Please don’t bring Sweetie into this. Please.”

  “That’s better. You have one more week. I’m tired of waiting.”

  She tamped down on the panic and rose to her feet. His desperation had been a live thing today. She felt it in her gut. If he was really going to Calcutta to track down her past, she was out of time.

  When he had taken Joy and explained to her what she needed to do, she hadn’t had to think about it for even a moment. She would have done anything to get Joy back. Letting them carve a scar into her chest was nothing. Cheating an innocent man was nothing.


  The yearning to speak to her baby boy was so strong, she had to force herself not to call him. It was too late in India and he was probably fast asleep.

  Plus, suddenly, she felt dirtier than she had ever felt, and she couldn’t speak to him until she found a way to be his mamma again, not this woman who had let her body ruin everything again.

  She splashed her face with cold water and tried to towel off her burning neck. Her too-sensitive skin, despite Nikhil’s gentleness, was marked where he had kissed her, sucked on her. Between her legs was a soreness that had felt intimate and warm when she’d snuck out of bed, taking care not to wake him, reminding herself not to linger and stare like some desperado. Now it felt dirty. The marks on her skin felt shameful, like tattoos they branded whores with in a bygone era.

  What kind of mother had sex when her child was under threat? When her child was alone and unprotected? What kind of mother let hope and dreams seep into her heart when there were monsters with their guns pointed at her child?

  She scrubbed her face on the towel, refusing to let tears mingle with the water beaded on her skin. No more tears.

  Come on, Jen, please, please help me. Where did you put it? I need to get my baby out of danger. Please.

  She’d gone into the bathroom with her heart full. When she let herself out she was a paper doll, a balloon animal, thin membranes filled with nothing but air and space. A prick away from deflating to nothingness.

  * * *

  Nikhil listened for her. His senses tuned in to every little sound that came from the bathroom. But all he heard was the water she had turned on the moment she went in there. Other noises had also started up in his head from the moment she had turned the water on.

  He glanced once more at the boxes, at the closed laptop. These were the last remaining places where he could hope to find the evidence. To do right by Jen. To keep his promise to Jess.

  Jess.

  He could still feel her skin against his, her breath, how she had bared everything, her trust, her courage. The force of her will as she fought to leave her past behind.