by Jodie Larson
His love, his passion, our life together, all of it sends tears to my eyes as I surrender to him, letting the fiery ball drop and explode around me. I cry out as my body shakes from the orgasm and he follows me, chanting my name as if it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever said.
“Promise?” I ask when my rational thoughts return.
His chest presses against mine but smiles as he kisses me lovingly on the mouth. “Promise.”
We roll onto our sides, which breaks our contact. I don’t panic at the thought of us not using a condom. Feeling him, all of him for the first time was an experience I will never forget.
James pulls me into his chest and professes his love again and again into my ear until his breathing regulates and slows, letting me know that sleep has finally taken him.
I crawl out of his grip, sliding slowly off the bed to retrieve my clothes from the floor. Once I’m fully dressed, I walk into the kitchen and tear off a sheet of paper from the tablet next to the refrigerator. Scribbling down a quick note for him, I bring it back to his bed and place it on my pillow.
“Goodbye, James. I love you.” I kiss his cheek gently before leaving the room. I hold my hand over my mouth to control my emotions, hoping it’ll keep the sobs from escaping.
I grab my phone from my purse and type a quick text to Liam, asking him to come get me from James’s house. He responds right away saying he’ll be there in a couple minutes.
I walk around his house one last time, etching everything into memory. After tomorrow, there’s a good chance I will never be back. But what I’m about to do is to protect James from Chase and everyone else who thinks they can get between us.
I just hope he understands.
THIS IS IT. THIS MUST be what it feels like to be on death row. The sweaty palms, erratic heartbeat, the fear that every breath could be your last. Okay, maybe not quite that extreme, but I feel like I’m being suffocated. There just isn’t enough air to fill my lungs as I walk down the hall to my impending doom.
Chase messaged me again a few minutes ago, making sure that I was going to show up or he was going to expose us to Mr. Leonard and ruin us. That will not happen. Not if I can help it.
“Babe,” he says as I approach, but I hold my hands up to stop him from coming any closer.
“Don’t start with that bullshit, Chase. Tell me what you want so we can get this over with.”
His smirk takes on an almost sneer as his eyes roam over my body. My skin crawls at his perusal and I’m thankful for my preemptive strike of wearing lots of layers today to avoid any further complications.
“You know what I want. I’ve been dropping not so subtle hints all year and yet you continually turn me down.”
“Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I’m not interested? That maybe I like our friendship the way it is, the way it always has been?”
He leans closer and it makes me want to run in the opposite direction. “I’ve been chasing you for years Britta, but you’ve been too stupid to notice. I could never get you away from Penny, and now that she’s got her own thing going, I figured this could finally be my shot. I could win the prize that I’ve dreamed about for years. But no, you had to go and fuck it up with him.”
The way he said that last statement has my panic rising from threat level yellow to orange. He’s been chasing me for years? How have I not noticed this?
“Chase, it’s not what you think. You’re being delusional and are obviously thinking the wrong things.”
“I don’t believe I misinterpreted his tongue down your throat or him pressing you into your car as he’s doing it,” he hisses at me in a low tone.
My worst fears come to light as the cold grip of reality sets in. Blood drains from my face, making me feel lightheaded and dizzy. I can’t hide that anymore. He knows what he saw and I can’t say that he didn’t. He knows he has me right where he wants me and I have to play his game or he’ll end James.
“What do you want?” I whisper, letting my shoulders sag in defeat.
He runs his hands up and down my arms and I fight the urge to kick him in the balls again. “You and I are going to play nice together for the rest of the school year. Real nice. I hope you didn’t already make plans for prom because guess who your date is?”
Bile rises in my throat. There’s something in his eyes that I’ve never seen before and it scares me. He’s never been this cold before, even when he wasn’t acting like himself. I try to swallow past the lump in my throat, but I can’t. His eyes narrow, creating another wave of nerves to course through my body.
“I wasn’t planning on going to prom.”
“Well, now you are.” He grabs my hand and pulls me to him with a thud. “You’ll be doing all kinds of things with me now. And everyone will know it.”
I follow his glance and realize that everyone has stopped moving around us. He’s managed to make a spectacle of this, putting us right in the limelight for everyone to see. And I’ve played right into his hand. Most everyone is either smiling or whispering to each other while they stare. A few less obvious ‘it’s about time’ comments can also be heard, mainly from the guys who are waiting for something to happen.
This is my worst fear come to light. This is the end of my happy high school career. My senior year had so much promise and now it looks as if it’ll be tarnished forever. Forced to be someone I’m not just to keep the one I love safe.
But as long as he’s safe, it’s worth the sacrifice.
“If I do this, if I agree to your demands, you have to promise me that you will leave Mr. Dumont alone,” I whisper. “Nothing will happen to him. I don’t want a word of what you saw coming out of your mouth to anyone because if something happens to him, you will pay. That I can promise you.”
Chase runs his hands down my back before pulling me flush against him. “If you stick with the plan, I’ll keep my mouth shut about your boyfriend sleeping with a student.”
I want to run, kick, or scream as if I was lit on fire while Chase caresses me. I hate this. I hate what I’m being forced to do, but I don’t have any other option. It’s the only one left.
“As long as we’re clear on that, you have a deal.”
He pulls his head back and smiles. I used to think his smile was cute, that he could win over anyone with that smile. But now as I stare at it, I see the evil behind it. It’s the smile of a man who doesn’t care who he hurts as long as he gets his way.
He grabs my arms and drags them around his neck. “You better start playing the part. Otherwise, this is going to be a long two months for you.”
Two months. Here I thought my salvation was almost here. Now I see I’m in purgatory, looking out into paradise as it sits just beyond the horizon while I'm slowly dragged to hell. His lips brush my cheek, causing my stomach to turn.
I need an excuse to get away from here and away from him. My phone beeps in my purse and I pull away quickly. “If that’s all, I need to get to my locker before class.”
I practically sprint down the hall, leaving Chase standing there with the same stupid expression on his face as when I first saw him. Pulling out my phone, my heart sinks even faster as James’s name appears on my screen.
WHY DID YOU LEAVE LAST NIGHT? WHERE ARE YOU?
You can’t fall apart right now. This is for James. I lean against my locker, feeling my heart constrict with each passing second.
AT SCHOOL. HAD TO GO SO MY PARENTS WOULDN’T SUSPECT ANYTHING. LIAM PICKED ME UP.
I KNOW. I TALKED TO HIM THIS MORNING ALREADY. HE SAID YOU WERE UPSET. TELL ME YOU HAVEN’T MET WITH CHASE YET.
I press my head against my locker, clutching my phone to my chest. This hurts worse than anything I’ve ever felt before. It feels like a betrayal even though it’s not. It may be my body that Chase has, but he will never have my mind, spirit or heart. Those things already belong to one man and he’s keeping them safe while I’m wandering the path to hell.
I HAVE TO DO THIS. PLEASE DON’T HATE ME. I CAN’T
DO THIS IF YOU HATE ME. I LOVE YOU.
I power off my phone and shove it back into my purse. I can’t read any more texts from him because if I do my resolve will diminish and I’ll cave to my need to run to him. Instead, I grab my books for my first-period class as Chase walks up behind me and brings his arms around my waist.
“Ready, babe?” he asks.
I shut my locker and free myself from his hold. “Ready,” I say dejectedly. There’s no way I’m going to sugar coat this. I can’t pretend I have feelings for someone who is using emotional blackmail to get what he wants.
Chase ignores my moodiness and grabs my hand, swinging it back and forth as we walk to our class. Chase yells his usual outbursts to his friends as we pass them in the halls, sometimes stopping briefly for them to give him a pat on the shoulder when they see our hands together. But I ignore it all, shutting my body off so it’s numb to everyone around me. That is until we round the corner and I see James standing at the end of the hall. Chase must see him too because he pulls me closer and wraps his arm around my shoulder. But I can’t move my eyes from James as I watch the pain register on his face. He knows the plan, or at least has figured it out by now.
I know this is killing him, watching Chase touch me. I know because what happens to him, happens to me. And I’m dying slowly with each passing second.
“Smile pretty for your boyfriend,” Chase whispers into my ear before his mouth crashes down on mine.
This is wrong. So, so, so, so wrong. I don’t know if I can go through with it because the way James is looking at me, at us, it hurts far worse than anything else. I thought having Chase explain things to me this morning was hard. No. Seeing James standing there, broken, is far, far worse.
“We’re going to have a good couple of months together, Britt. You better learn to kiss me better than that.” He pulls me into our classroom before I have the chance to give James another glance. But really I’m thankful because I don’t think I could bear to see the look on his face again and not break down into tears.
By the time fourth period arrives, I’m no longer surprised by anything Chase does. He’s been attached to me every step I’ve taken today. So when he announced that I was to spend my lunch hour with him in the cafeteria instead of in the teacher’s lounge, I just nodded and followed like a beaten puppy.
He knows exactly what he’s doing, taking away every opportunity I have to be close to James.
Bastard.
Penny walks past me, slows, and then stops altogether. “Britt? Hey,” she says and takes the seat next to me. Chase nods at her before continuing his conversation with some of the guys from the basketball team.
“Hey Pen,” I say quietly. I push the food around on my plate. I’m not hungry but wasn’t given the choice when Chase bought my lunch.
Penny looks at me in confusion as her eyes float between Chase and me. “So what’s going on?”
I set my fork down and force a half smile. “Didn’t you hear? Chase and I are together now.”
Tears well up in the corners of my eyes and I fight like hell to not let them fall. I didn’t consult Penny before I decided to execute this plan. Given the expression on her face, she’s completely blindsided at my statement.
“Oh, no, I hadn’t heard,” she says, grabbing my hand and squeezing it tightly.
“Yeah, Chase made it official this morning.”
At the mention of his name, Chase turns and smiles at Penny. “Yep. Finally wore her down enough until she agreed. It was all just a matter of finding her weak spot.”
Penny’s eyes grow wide. I nod in response. Yes, he knows and yes he’s blackmailing me I say in a silent communication with her. She squeezes my hand again and I look down, hoping to keep myself together so I can get through this lunch hour.
“So what are you going to do next hour? Aren’t you supposed to still be his aide?” she asks quietly.
I shake my head. “I’m skipping that period for the rest of the week. I don’t think I can do it, even though I know he won’t be there.”
Penny stands abruptly. “I need to go to the bathroom. Britt, you need to go?”
I nod and move with her, but Chase pulls me back and kisses me harshly. “Just remember our deal,” he says against my lips.
“I will. I’m just going to the bathroom. I’ll be back.”
Penny practically drags me into the bathroom around the corner. She bends down to look under the stalls before locking the door.
“Are you shitting me right now? Chase? I ought to beat the shit out of you. What were you thinking?”
I lean against the sinks and hang my head, gripping the edge of the counter so tight it turns my knuckles white. “I’m protecting James. This was the only way. I knew what Chase wanted and, unfortunately, that was me. If I didn’t agree to this, he was going to tell Mr. Leonard about us and ruin James’s career. I couldn’t let him do that. I love him too much for him to go down because of Chase Woodward.”
One tear slides down my cheek, followed by another, then another. I can’t hold them back anymore. They’ve been building the whole morning and now that the floodgates are open, I’m not sure if they’ll stop.
Penny gathers me in her arms and I cry into her shoulder. She holds me tight without saying a word because she knows there’s nothing she can say to make me feel better about my situation. A situation that I put myself in because I was too careless and too confident that we were untouchable. How stupid of me as I look back on it all.
“It’ll be okay,” she says. “How long is he going to blackmail you?”
“Until the end of the school year.” I wipe my nose with the paper towel she hands to me.
Her face falls again. “Oh. Look, if you need me to put some pressure on him, kick him around or have someone else do it, I’m more than willing to arrange it.”
I shake my head. “No, trust me, I’ve thought of that already. I just need to do this. It’s only two months. Maybe I’ll be lucky and it’ll fly right by. I mean, the two months that I’ve been sleeping with James have been nothing. It’s like I blinked and they were gone.”
Now is not the time to relive those moments. But they come unbidden, flashing quickly through my mind as I remember each and every moment I’ve spent with him in absolute bliss. We thought that as long as we were together, nothing could hurt us. Our strong, united front was greater than anything the world could throw our way. But we were delusional and reckless, blinding us to what was happening while we were lost in each other.
Deep down I knew we were vulnerable, especially after that night at Caravaggio’s when we saw Chase there. I wonder if that was the turning point. He had to have seen us, which means he’s been biding his time until he could strike and do the most damage.
And we walked right into it.
“Is there anything I can do? Pass secret notes to him for you? Arrange a sleepover and have it be at James’s place instead?”
I pull away to clean up my smudged makeup and give her reflection a sad smile. “It’s too dangerous. We’re better off playing by his rules.”
She comes closer and puts her hand on my shoulder. “What does James say about all of this?”
I turn away from her. “James wasn’t a part of this plan. But his expression when he saw us together this morning almost killed me. He’s hurting and it’s my fault.” I swipe at a tear. “But I’m doing this to save him. I just want him to understand and not give up on me.”
“He knows how much you love him. I think it’ll take more than this to scare him away. But for your sake, it’s probably better to stay away for now.”
“Good thing it’s spring break next week. That’ll give us some time apart before next trimester.” Then I smack my head and groan. “Fuck, next trimester. I have a class with him again. This is going to be difficult.”
Penny hugs me tight and brushes away the wet hair from my face. “You’ll get through it. This is just a bump in the road, but I believe it’ll make you two stronger. F
rom what I’ve seen, you have a love I’ve only ever dreamed about. You’ll be okay.”
“You’re full of shit, but it’s very sweet of you to say that.” I nod and wipe my nose again with the paper towel, not caring about the sharp bite of the scratchy material. I welcome the pain because it distracts me from my heart tearing in two. “We better get back.”
Sighing, Penny unlocks the door and we head back to the lunch room where Chase is waiting for us. He smiles and kisses my temple, making me flinch only slightly. Penny doesn’t miss it and gives me a sad smile. It hurts that I’m causing everyone around me so much pain, but I have to concentrate on the long term goal. This will be better for us because after this trial we’re free.
I skip next period as planned, hiding out in the library under the guise of finding books for Mr. Dumont. Mrs. Farnsworth doesn’t question it and just lets me go about my business. So I find a quiet corner and sit with my knees pulled up to my chest, staring out the window next to me.
Luckily there’s only one more class I have to sit through like a zombie and it’s one that I could care less about. When the bell sounds, indicating the school day is over, I walk in a daze back to my locker. Normally I’m talkative with everyone, wondering what their plans are for the rest of the day but I don’t feel like speaking to anyone right now, least of all Chase. I’ve been careful to avoid him since lunch and he hasn’t come looking for me, so that’s a plus.
A sheet of paper floats to the ground like a feather when I open my locker. I recognize the note instantly and know the words written on it are made of lead. I swallow hard as I pick it up.
My Dearest James,
I know that you won’t understand what I’m about to do, but know that it’s in our best interest right now. Whatever you hear, whatever you see, just know that it’s all pretend. There will only ever be you in my life. No one can ever replace you. Just please…wait for me.
I love you more and more each day. You are my soulmate, my match, my one true love.
Loving you always,
Britta
Britta,
