5th page of the diary
I have seen what I wanted to see. And it was a nice world to live in. I am feeling happy that I was a part of it once. I have got more than I deserved. I don’t deserve anything. Why? What is the use anyway but at-least I got a chance to see the beauty. Which I didn’t use. I did the opposite actually. And I am going with regrets and happiness. I don’t know if I should be sad or happy because of what once happened to me in the school. There are bomb blasts and hundreds of people die and there are fires which cost people lives and bad memories. It is the bad memories and stupid thinking one should be more careful about. Not disasters and deaths. There is meaning in life and meaninglessness. Both are same things. I didn’t try harder. I should have tried harder to be happy but it depends from person to person. I just couldn’t. Perhaps I was happy all the time and wasn’t even aware about it. My father is happy with me these days and he brought various things for me sometimes before getting home. Which I consider as a great thing too. He is a lonely person by heart and he is sympathizing with me I think because now we are alike. Though, I had no problem with him before too. I always lived like I wanted so what else matters. And now that I am going to die like I want. I don’t know what is the right way to die. jhatka or halaal. Should I die painfully to wash away all my sins in hope for a reincarnation? Or should it be painless by some pills or by shooting my head out. Pity we depend so much on the knowledge, to live or to not to live.
My mind is clean now and thoughts are clear. Matter and events are so light. Like, I have surrendered myself to the absolute entity. Though, I am ashamed for the things that made me and I think about my father. If he would be sad when I will be absent. Because I am taking the only thing that he have. Which reminds him of mother. Me. this is not a suicide note. I only wanted to talk to someone and tell him about what is in my mind but there is no one to whom I can say these personal thoughts without being declared mad. And I don’t want to get insulted before leaving. What can be a better companion than a paper where I can express myself.
First of all I want to talk about the reason for this step. You only left the thing which is of no use and causing only more stress and looks like a lots of work for no reason. Life is this to me. There is only thirst and hunger remaining for me without knowing the cause and solution. One has no idea many times about the state of another person. Putting yourself in someone else shoe is one of the hardest things to do. I want someone to cry for me at-least sometimes. And I want to see their face. I would like it if someone would care. Isn’t it magical when people care for us. They would pity on me and few would say ugly things like, ‘how much stupid I was to commit it and that I waste my father’s expectations and money.’ It is exciting to think about all this.
I still have many things in mind which are waiting to be done. Small things. Like going on my roof and talking to my neighbor and buying something from the nearby shop. Sipping some drink on my balcony and thinking about the people who would be going from below. Why I am not doing that? why? why? Wish it is as easy for me as for others. Even picking up the soap from the ground is hard. For such a small task I have to think and rethink and rethink, again and again and again before doing. Sometimes I try to behave normally and to do what others are doing. Today, I went to the main gate of my house and looked at the girl who was standing outside the door and was talking to her friend. I tried to look at her and to like her. What a joke? I thought about her hairs and her cloths. I thought that those were pretty nice and sexy thing. I tried to think, how she might look with a shy glance if I would crack an obscene joke. It was a funny idea because I was actually trying to acquire a taste. I tried to concentrate on my dick and glance harder at her curves. Everything was going deep inside my head. It was only going towards the core of all the things and the essence of substances.. I tried to look at another girl and I had the same thing, same results. I was just not into it. They seemed like radio and cup or any other tool device etc. It was making me cry. Then I went to my room and open the songs which everyone was listening these days for another try. And trust me if you don’t like anything then you don’t like it just. What else to say. You are helpless when chicken and pulses taste the same. Though, there are possessions in my room which I like and wouldn’t like to share those with anyone for any greed. It includes a piece of wire and a spoon which I found once while walking on the road. It is an aluminum spoon which slums people use because it cost very low and heat up soon with the hot food. There is a carving of the leaf on its handle. I eat with it sometimes and put it near me while going to sleep. There is a small iron toy car which I like. It is in my another hand right now and it is very small. A finger’s size. It runs on the ground when you push it with hand lightly but children used to do it fast sometimes. I push it lightly always because it is very important for me. Father brought it for me when I was six year old. I play with it and I change its tires with the tires of a new toy car. And I clean it and put it on the place where no one can find it. I have some money in my room too which is here so I could use it for shopping. I use this to buy cigarettes and eggs. Which I eat raw. Because I don’t like to cook. Sometimes I do house hold works too. I went to the watch repair shop to repair the old wall clock. It was made of wood and it reminds me of cartoon movie. It had a sparrow inside it which doesn’t work anymore. But I wanted it to move so I took it to the watch repair shop and he repaired the sparrow. Sparrow started coming out after each hour and then I hated the sparrow because it came out even when I didn’t want to listen to its chirping. So I caught its head as it came out one day at 4 P.M and squash and rotate it. Poor sparrow died. But, I still love that sparrow because it is a good sparrow. If I love it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean that I would show mercy on seeing it again. So I was saying that I do household things few times when I want to. And I fill water in the filter everyday. I do that so I can watch at the television while filling the water but that is not important. Water is filled and that’s what one should care about. My father watches the television at that time so I stand close to him while the water fills the filter and look at him. He gives me the remote after two or three minutes. And then I surf all the channels randomly. Sometimes I stay at movies channel and craft channel which are meant for kids. I like it. Then I put the water-filter back on the chair (we use a chair to put the filter. Isn’t it royal?) and put the remote near my father so he could see the channels of his choice now. He does. I come back to my room to do other stuff.
I eat the food father bring for me while coming from work. It is mostly sandwiches and Chinese noodles. I eat it with cold-drink or tea. Sometimes there is juice. I prefer juice but I don’t tell this to father. I don’t want to bother him by telling him my choices. He brings something to fill my stomach and that’s enough for me. He cooks for himself in the kitchen. He cooks pulses and chapattis. Sometimes he eats bread with cream. He eats a lot of tasteless things. He likes living this way. Just minding his own business.
He is easy to understand and simple. Simple like a table or window. He isn’t like a computer or Sony music system. Or an electric fuse. Enough. One day I was imagining how I would treat my own kid. I would dominate him on every field of his life and would try to influence all the area of his activities. I would keep him under my shadow and would beat him on mistakes like old fathers. Yes, I would buy him toys sometimes. Toys of my choice. I would let him watch television too but I wouldn’t hand him the remote. Perhaps I would even teach him against his own mother. I would punish him sometimes on disobedience. I would make sure that he would hate me. And then i would show him his right place(below me).
Of course, that is never going to happen because I don’t want to bear life that far. This is too much for now. Thank you god for giving me all that I deserved or didn’t. And thank you all of you for looking after me and feeding me with food, eyes and ice. No hard shit, no regrets (no). And I have told my heart out on this piece of pape
r. This is the best thing that happen today. What can one say if one is saying for the last time? Nothing. I put my belongings like that spoon and car in a handkerchief and kept it on the bed with a slip that says, ‘my dear things’. I know my father would keep those on the upper self of his study table. And I know that he would eat with the aluminum spoon occasionally on being too lazy to go to kitchen. He is like this. Hunger is more important than emotions for him. And I don’t complain. I would like him eating with this spoon. He can take care of himself. Everyone can take care of themselves or they got no right to live in this world. Like me. Personal opinion sucks. Personal opinions make people do things which are not appropriate. Personal opinions destroy relationships. Personal opinions ruin lives and make people stubborn. Personal opinions make people cut their own hands and vanish themselves. May be it is good to have some kind of personal opinion to declare your thinking and mind. Like I am doing right now. I would be declared by this step. Hell, I talk funny sometimes.
Batch of 1999 Page 26
